Do you have adblock enabled?
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Gawker)   Proclaim you don't believe in Jesus, get 126K   (gawker.com) divider line 50
    More: Ironic, XPlease  
•       •       •

14307 clicks; posted to Main » on 30 Dec 2013 at 6:46 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-12-30 06:16:04 PM  
9 votes:
simpsonswiki.com

/oblig
2013-12-30 08:11:17 PM  
6 votes:
2 old jewish guys walking down the street in florida
sid and sal pass a church were a sign out front says " covert to Catholicism and we'll pay you $5000"
sid turns to sal and says "$5000, lets do it"
sal says " no its a scam, they won't pay  it"
sid says" its a church they cant lie, i'm going in"
sal says " fine i'll wait here"
sid goes in and sal stands around waiting.
1 hour then 2 then 3 hours go by and no sign of sal
finally after 5 hours sid comes out of the curch and sal runs up to him " so, did you get the money?"
sid turns to sal and says " is that all you people think about?"
2013-12-30 07:12:23 PM  
4 votes:

part of the problem: This quote completely encapsulates what it means to be an atheist.

No matter how much rage and sarcasm they muster, this is all they will ever have, all they will ever be.

Rant away, basement dwellers...


Why don't you go back to jerking off to Duck Dynasty, godboy?
2013-12-30 07:25:15 PM  
3 votes:

Lenny_da_Hog: The woman excitedly looked each person in the face saying "Thank Jesus! Thank Jesus!" over and over again while they waited for emergency services to show up. She never thanked Harold.


Harold is the name of her god.  She prays like this: "Our Father which art in heaven, Harold be thy name."
2013-12-30 07:02:37 PM  
3 votes:

iheartscotch: Sooooooooo.... 125k? That's, what, about 2; maybe 3 demolished houses? Or 1/10th of a house in California? That's a pretty big number; maybe 3 houses repaired. Maybe they'd have some left over for food and water.


A fish and a loaf of generic white bread could feed the whole town.
2013-12-30 06:50:51 PM  
3 votes:

nekom: And they never do it in reverse.  "That sure touchdown you dropped has got to have you kicking yourself!"  "Yeah, farking Jesus screwed me up."
/not my joke, some comedian I thibj


Well, except for that time Stevie Johnson did it:
i.imgur.com
2013-12-31 12:14:04 AM  
2 votes:

dforkus: Ricki Gervais too, "I'm happy and rich and nothing happens when you die", "religion is stupid, and I'm smarter than you because I don't have one" -- you can only tweet variations on these themes so many times before it becomes incredibly tiresome.


Hold on, I have a couple more missionaries knocking on my door to tell me what a piece of shiat I am without Jesus.
2013-12-30 09:04:48 PM  
2 votes:
Nemo's Brother: The only anger and hatred I have seen in the story and in the comments on their site were from atheists.

What about on this site? In this thread? No hatred from christians?

I'll admit the atheists on Fark have been mostly ok today.  My view, help who you choose to. As a Christian, I don't mind that he choose to help only a fellow non-believer. It's just kind of odd that he did so not even caring a lick about that person.

What is odd? He clearly admitted his reasons were not altruistic. He is a professional comedian doing something dickish to be funny. Why is this surprising?

When a true Christian Scotsman gives to a cause, they don't care if a Christian, Jew, Muslim, atheist or Jedi receive the aid. They just want to help. I know the average atheist that donates feels that way as well. This guy is just a douche.

FIFY
2013-12-30 08:20:03 PM  
2 votes:

part of the problem: stewbert: part of the problem: fta.

"I didn't do it because I felt sympathy because she got all her shiat destroyed by a tornado," he said. "I did it simply to be a prick to her Okie-Christian neighbors, hoping that they were still eating off of FEMA trucks when someone drove up and presented Rebecca with a giant cardboard check."

This quote completely encapsulates what it means to be an atheist.

No matter how much rage and sarcasm they muster, this is all they will ever have, all they will ever be.

Rant away, basement dwellers...

Yeah, it even says to be a prick in the 1st Book of Dawkins in the Atheist Bible. You know, the book that all us atheists gather to study and discuss every Sunday down at the No News Church of Atheism.

I'm guessing your point was not to paint all Christians with the same stripe of paint. Maybe.


I didn't know that about the book of Dawkins... but it explains a lot. I'm simply holding up a mirror to crazy... if some people see themselves in it, maybe it will, eventually, cause them to stop and think about their preconceived notions. I don't like fundamentalists of any persuasion. People who believe that they are superior to others because God is on their side and people who believe they are superior to others because they were clever enough to figure out there isn't a God are both exactly as dangerous to everyone else.

I spend a bit of time reading the atheist blogosphere for research.... as far as I can tell the normal atheists are getting justifiably concerned about the rabid ones. But it's probably too late now. The 'movement' such as it is, no longer affirms humanism, it's devolved into.... well.... Doug Standhope.


You know if you say `gullible` slowly enough it sounds like `oranges`
2013-12-30 08:02:47 PM  
2 votes:

p89tech: I really hope Rebecca Vitsmun said "fark you" to him and shared the check with her "Okie-Neighbors".


http://www.religiondispatches.org/dispatches/guest_bloggers/7290/ath ei st_asked_by_wolf_blitzer_if_she_thanked_the_lord_after_ok_tornado_hono red/

Vitsmun says she will use the over $125,000 raised by #AtheistUnite to help her family relocate to the Seattle suburbs.

Sounds like she wants to get as far away from those Okies as she can.
2013-12-30 07:35:25 PM  
2 votes:
But I've got 48.0MB. 126K is so 1998.
2013-12-30 07:14:08 PM  
2 votes:
Devil pays better than I thought he did. Of course, I don't see any of that money. I'm an atheist pro bono.
2013-12-30 07:13:32 PM  
2 votes:

Dragonflew: part of the problem: This quote completely encapsulates what it means to be an atheist.

No matter how much rage and sarcasm they muster, this is all they will ever have, all they will ever be.

Rant away, basement dwellers...

Why don't you go back to jerking off to Duck Dynasty, godboy?



good... let the rage flow through you......
2013-12-30 07:07:30 PM  
2 votes:
I'm an Atheist, and i think this guy is a douchebag.  My feelings about him are best summed up by:

1.bp.blogspot.com
2013-12-30 06:59:40 PM  
2 votes:
I love Doug Stanhope.

i1309.photobucket.com

That said, even as an admittedly over-vocal agnostic, I LOVE the story of Jesus's life and teachings. I hate the church but I love the guy they're supposed to model their lives around.

*shrugs shoulders*
2013-12-30 06:55:54 PM  
2 votes:

stonelotus: hey Stanhope,say "hi" to your mother for me, ok?


Say 'hi' yourself, she's on stage in 5 minutes.
2013-12-30 05:49:03 PM  
2 votes:
He's exactly right. What kind of sicko thanks "God" for killing his neighbors? Shouldn't the proper answer be "God is an asshole for killing all these people and destroying all these lives. Why would I thank him?".
2013-12-30 04:53:35 PM  
2 votes:
That's how you troll
2013-12-31 05:30:21 AM  
1 votes:

Divinegrace: Churches and non-profits get the same tax breaks because they are both non-profits.


LOL

www.outofur.com
2013-12-31 02:38:40 AM  
1 votes:

Divinegrace: If given the choice of being protected by the police or protected by the mob....I would take the mob.


You already have.
2013-12-31 01:18:14 AM  
1 votes:

s2s2s2: Why would the religious be mad at creation?


Are you like, the pope of theists?
2013-12-31 12:47:28 AM  
1 votes:

Popular Opinion: of course community doesn't have to be a congregation, but it seems people hardly even know their neighbors anymore compared to when i was growing up.


Right. You can get that sense of belonging out of any other gang... Crips, Bloods, Outlaws, Hell's Angels, Baptists, Methodists....

But I was really just ridiculing any theists who think atheists are really theists who don't like to eat their vegetables or something.
2013-12-31 12:22:27 AM  
1 votes:

s2s2s2: SurfaceTension: s2s2s2: If I've got millions of children who have chosen to be on good terms with me, why should I give a fark about all you who don't visit, or go so far as to denounce me? You ain't my kids. FARK YOU!

-God.

Also, way to show it's more about your anger at god than your caring for people, Stanhope.

For the 834,727 time, Atheists (like me) are not "angry at God."  We don't consider him...we live without a belief and a faith in the divine. Please take my word for this and stop thinking otherwise.

Are you like, the pope of the atheists?


Yeah.

It's much more accurate to say that people flock to religion because they're pissed that they've figured out they're just bio-chemical reactions, no more special than bubbling soda and vinegar, that will eventually play out in an indifferent universe. You're all just angry at nature.
2013-12-30 10:02:00 PM  
1 votes:

steamingpile: I would say very few atheists have interactions with religious people as much since most people never mention religion and choose to socialize at other functions.


Hold on, I have yet another pair of Christians knocking on my door to tell me how horrible I am for not being just like them. BRB.
2013-12-30 09:43:00 PM  
1 votes:

Mr. Breeze: TV's Vinnie:

Sez you. I like how something like this totally debunks the born-again BS about "If you're not a Christian then you're an immoral monster with no love for your fellow man", as if organized religion has an exclusive patent on compassion.


Except it was done to spite religious people and not out of compassion for a fellow human being. So, yeah...


He helped a woman who wasn't going to bow down to Republican JAY-ZUSS and provided her with the means to escape Oklahoma to a place where her womb isn't the Property of The Church. I think that's Compassion with a capitol C.
2013-12-30 09:33:38 PM  
1 votes:

Lee451: How many atheists groups have bothered to help out in times of disaster?


Depends on if you count the federal government. It has a fairly substantial disaster relief program for a secular institution.
2013-12-30 08:47:55 PM  
1 votes:

Lee451: mediablitz: He's exactly right. What kind of sicko thanks "God" for killing his neighbors? Shouldn't the proper answer be "God is an asshole for killing all these people and destroying all these lives. Why would I thank him?".

Do you honestly believe that is how the survivors feel? They were grateful that they had survived. But never allow the facts to get in your way.

/Atheists tend to be a petty, miserable group


Well thank God you are here to be spiteful!

Praise the Lord I lived! Too bad he killed off all those other people. That's sad. But YAY! Thank you Jesus for sparing me!

The funny thing is you don't even GET how stupid that is. More important to call other people miserable for pointing how suck ass that philosophy on life is. Good for me! Sucks to be them! Thanks Jesus!
2013-12-30 08:40:01 PM  
1 votes:

part of the problem: This quote completely encapsulates what it means to be an atheist.

No matter how much rage and sarcasm they muster, this is all they will ever have, all they will ever be.


Yes. He is a dick. He admits it. He is proud of it. He is a professional comedian after all.

But I am glad he did it so we could have this thread. Because reading through this thread I was able to clearly see what real christian morals are.

Hate and bitterness. Rushing to paint an entire unrelated group with a poison brush because of the actions of one person.

It is funny. Normally I am commenting on all the lies and misrepresentation from christians but this thread is full of honesty in this thread. Bravo!

I love it. Who needs to bash christians? Just read the words of christians if you want to see what they are really like.
2013-12-30 08:32:23 PM  
1 votes:

Lenny_da_Hog: mediablitz: He's exactly right. What kind of sicko thanks "God" for killing his neighbors? Shouldn't the proper answer be "God is an asshole for killing all these people and destroying all these lives. Why would I thank him?".

The same sort that thanks Jesus when it's their neighbors who actually help them.

I had a friend many years ago in Alaska who was on a busy road in a snowstorm when a woman ahead of him lost control and went off the road onto a frozen lake. The surface shattered behind her car and she was sinking.

Everyone stopped, but nobody was doing anything. As the car was going under, Harold, close to 70 at the time, took off his coat and shoes and dived into the icy water, got her out of the car, and pulled her to the bank in freezing temperatures.

The woman excitedly looked each person in the face saying "Thank Jesus! Thank Jesus!" over and over again while they waited for emergency services to show up. She never thanked Harold.


I brought up this point with a believing friend. I said "so often, you see or hear about someone involved in a terrible car accident; the first civilian responders call 911 and perform first aid if they are able. The police show up and block off traffic for the fire and paramedic crews to get in and extract the person from the wreckage and begin stabilizing the patient while awaiting the LifeFlight helicopter. Once aboard, the flight nurse begins caring for the patient as the pilot and crew make a high-speed run to the nearest hospital. Once there, the patient is taken to the trauma facility, where a team of nurses begin examining and further stabilizing the patient until a doctor can arrive to administer and coordinate further care, which may involve a surgical team. Then followup care and monitoring is carried out by a dedicated medical staff. And then the person has the audacity to thank GOD. How insulting to such a large group of people."

"But don't you see?" said my friend. "God sent those people!"

Made me want to hit something before I hit him.
2013-12-30 08:30:46 PM  
1 votes:
He did this expressly to anger Christians? Well, as a Christian, I'm so infuriated by his trolling that I feel a Crusade coming on!

Wait, no, not infuriated; it's that other thing. What was it? Oh yeah:

i224.photobucket.com
2013-12-30 08:22:15 PM  
1 votes:
caltech.typepad.com
2013-12-30 08:16:34 PM  
1 votes:

steamingpile: Lenny_da_Hog: madgonad: They actually do it every damn day.

If you want to eat at the local City Union Mission - you have to go to the religious service and pray.

This is the #1 reason that religious people hate the government helping out poor people. The poors are supposed to grovel and beg for their meals. And the have to listen to the church services telling them that they are sinners and how Jesus is the only way.

My one-time employer would give the employees one day paid a year for community service. I went along with a bunch of executives to a Habitat for Humanity build.

They started off with a prayer. I just stood at the back silently looking around. Afterwards, the project manager/minister came to me and asked why I didn't pray with them. I told them I wasn't part of their religion. They told me to leave because CHRISTIANS were going to take the glory for THIS one, by God!

/still think Habitat is a good charity, but my local implementers were dicks.

That story is bullshiat because habitat accepts anyone.


You seem to have picked a very apt handle.
2013-12-30 08:11:44 PM  
1 votes:

steamingpile: That's one person's opinion and not shared by 99.9% of those in most religious following, excluding muslims of course.


Then of course, sometimes the trollerhea is right out of the gate.
2013-12-30 08:05:40 PM  
1 votes:

wxboy: I'm an Atheist, and i think this guy is a douchebag.  My feelings about him are best summed up by:

img.fark.net

Sez you. I like how something like this totally debunks the born-again BS about "If you're not a Christian then you're an immoral monster with no love for your fellow man", as if organized religion has an exclusive patent on compassion.

HairBolus: Vitsmun says she will use the over $125,000 raised by #AtheistUnite to help her family relocate to the Seattle suburbs.

Sounds like she wants to get as far away from those Okies as she can.


Wouldn't you?
2013-12-30 07:55:18 PM  
1 votes:

Lenny_da_Hog: Know what would REALLY piss off Christians?

If she shared it with the needy in her community.


Needy HOMOSEXUALS.
2013-12-30 07:54:52 PM  
1 votes:

whidbey: QuesoDelicioso: What a gyp. I've been an atheist for years, where's my payout??

Raise a bunch of money for a cause, pay yourself a salary out of the non-profit you set up .

You mean you didn't think you'd have to work for it?


This deal's getting worse all the time...
2013-12-30 07:39:22 PM  
1 votes:

part of the problem: fta.

"I didn't do it because I felt sympathy because she got all her shiat destroyed by a tornado," he said. "I did it simply to be a prick to her Okie-Christian neighbors, hoping that they were still eating off of FEMA trucks when someone drove up and presented Rebecca with a giant cardboard check."  

This quote completely encapsulates what it means to be an atheist.

No matter how much rage and sarcasm they muster, this is all they will ever have, all they will ever be.

Rant away, basement dwellers...


"Thank God for 9/11. Thank God that, five years ago, the wrath of God was poured out upon this evil nation. America, land of the sodomite damned. We thank thee, Lord God Almighty, for answering the prayers of those that are under the altar."

This quote completely encapsulates what it means to be a christian.
2013-12-30 07:35:35 PM  
1 votes:
We shall drink deeply of the bourbon, scotch and rye until such time as we are fighting drunk.

Then we shall find, and beat the asses of the nonbelievers!

i.cdn.turner.com
2013-12-30 07:28:32 PM  
1 votes:

wxboy: I'm an Atheist, and i think this guy is a douchebag.  My feelings about him are best summed up by:

[1.bp.blogspot.com image 480x360]


Except that he DID help. What he did matters more than what he said. What he said was just funny.

Religious people often say a lot of nice things, but DO harmful and/or useless things.

I'll take this over that
2013-12-30 07:28:01 PM  
1 votes:
This is like andrew dice clay gave biden the bird and sally struthers ate it like obamacare's gonna eat it because all the relief aid trucks are being robbed by warlords and poppy fields
2013-12-30 07:24:52 PM  
1 votes:

part of the problem: fta.

"I didn't do it because I felt sympathy because she got all her shiat destroyed by a tornado," he said. "I did it simply to be a prick to her Okie-Christian neighbors, hoping that they were still eating off of FEMA trucks when someone drove up and presented Rebecca with a giant cardboard check."  

This quote completely encapsulates what it means to be an atheist.

No matter how much rage and sarcasm they muster, this is all they will ever have, all they will ever be.

Rant away, basement dwellers...


Yeah, it even says to be a prick in the 1st Book of Dawkins in the Atheist Bible. You know, the book that all us atheists gather to study and discuss every Sunday down at the No News Church of Atheism.

I'm guessing your point was not to paint all Christians with the same stripe of paint. Maybe.
2013-12-30 07:11:51 PM  
1 votes:

Lenny_da_Hog: mediablitz: He's exactly right. What kind of sicko thanks "God" for killing his neighbors? Shouldn't the proper answer be "God is an asshole for killing all these people and destroying all these lives. Why would I thank him?".

The same sort that thanks Jesus when it's their neighbors who actually help them.

I had a friend many years ago in Alaska who was on a busy road in a snowstorm when a woman ahead of him lost control and went off the road onto a frozen lake. The surface shattered behind her car and she was sinking.

Everyone stopped, but nobody was doing anything. As the car was going under, Harold, close to 70 at the time, took off his coat and shoes and dived into the icy water, got her out of the car, and pulled her to the bank in freezing temperatures.

The woman excitedly looked each person in the face saying "Thank Jesus! Thank Jesus!" over and over again while they waited for emergency services to show up. She never thanked Harold.


This is my promise. The next time come out a rough situation without getting my entire ass handed to me, I'm going to thank Harold.

Of course, God will then kill Harold and hurt everyone he loves, as per protocol.
2013-12-30 06:59:35 PM  
1 votes:
So what if, a long time ago, satan devised a trap for god and it is in the shape of a church and powered by prayer?

It really would all make a lot more sense...
2013-12-30 06:57:34 PM  
1 votes:
I didn't do it because I felt sympathy because she got all her shiat destroyed by a tornado, I did it simply to be a prick to her Okie-Christian neighbors.

And what better time than christmas!
2013-12-30 06:55:54 PM  
1 votes:
The only proper time to thank Jesus is after your UFC opponent destroys his leg and career breaking his shin on a simple kick, because how else could that shiat have happened? It's a Christmas MIRACLE!
2013-12-30 06:54:44 PM  
1 votes:

WI241TH: nekom: And they never do it in reverse.  "That sure touchdown you dropped has got to have you kicking yourself!"  "Yeah, farking Jesus screwed me up."
/not my joke, some comedian I thibj

Well, except for that time Stevie Johnson did it:
[i.imgur.com image 320x184]


Well that explains why Stevie Johnson has sucked the last two years. God is punishing him for calling him out.
2013-12-30 06:54:20 PM  
1 votes:
mediablitz: He's exactly right. What kind of sicko thanks "God" for killing his neighbors? Shouldn't the proper answer be "God is an asshole for killing all these people and destroying all these lives. Why would I thank him?".

the same person who thanked the lord for their winning touchdown
2013-12-30 06:23:12 PM  
1 votes:

what_now: You know, I do understand how a deeply upset and traumatized person can react by "thanking God" for saving them, but it's always annoyed me when athletes talk about how "God" helped them score a touchdown/goal/homerun.

Millions of people in slavery, poverty and despair, but God's gonna focus on your batting average?


And they never do it in reverse.  "That sure touchdown you dropped has got to have you kicking yourself!"  "Yeah, farking Jesus screwed me up."
/not my joke, some comedian I thibj
2013-12-30 05:37:52 PM  
1 votes:
Man, is this some sort of program?  Like Obamacare?  'Cause I'd be willing to SWEAR I don't believe in Baby J for 126 large.
2013-12-30 04:41:25 PM  
1 votes:
Sign my ass up, man.  Stanhope should hang out here on Fark and see me get in trouble with the religitards on a weekly basis.
 
Displayed 50 of 50 comments

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


This thread is closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »
Advertisement
On Twitter





In Other Media


  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.

Report