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(Guardian)   Scientists share their favorite nerdy jokes. "So an electron and a positron walk into a bar"   (theguardian.com) divider line 85
    More: Amusing, electronics, genetically engineer, positrons, scientists, marine conservation, developmental biology, favorites, atmospheric physics  
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5350 clicks; posted to Geek » on 29 Dec 2013 at 3:45 PM (51 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-12-29 02:34:52 PM  
A engineer was walking down the sidewalk one day when his friend, another engineer, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle.

The first engineer was stunned by his friend's sweet ride and asked, "WOW! Where did you get such a nice bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'"

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
 
2013-12-29 03:41:37 PM  
Werner Heisenberg is driving down the road and gets pulled over by a cop.

"Dr. Heisenberg, do you know why I pulled you over?"

"No, officer."

"Well, I just clocked you going exactly 100 miles per hour."

"Oh, thanks for nothing! Now I'm lost."
 
2013-12-29 04:02:34 PM  
A statistician would determine from that article that nerd jokes are *never* funny
 
2013-12-29 04:03:38 PM  
There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets, and
 
2013-12-29 04:04:20 PM  
Wasn't there a link a month or so ago about the "best" science jokes. Many of those were pretty funny.

/At least the ones I got made me smile
 
2013-12-29 04:05:06 PM  

BKITU: Werner Heisenberg is driving down the road and gets pulled over by a cop.

"Dr. Heisenberg, do you know why I pulled you over?"

"No, officer."

"Well, I just clocked you going exactly 100 miles per hour."

"Oh, thanks for nothing! Now I'm lost."


Thanks. That's one of my favorite. Also:
What's brown and sticky?
 
2013-12-29 04:14:14 PM  
Biology

What's gray and comes in quarts?

An elephant.
 
2013-12-29 04:25:39 PM  
A physics student riding in a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited he asks, "Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?"
 
2013-12-29 04:30:09 PM  
Little Timmy took a drink, but he will drink no more,
for what he thought was H2O, was H2SO4.

I was actually a little surprised I got this joke when I first heard it. I never considered myself very science literate.
 
2013-12-29 04:31:52 PM  
3.bp.blogspot.com
 
2013-12-29 04:34:56 PM  

GRCooper: A statistician would determine from that article that nerd jokes are *never* funny


A statistician would tell you that nerd jokes aren't funny 19 times out of 20.
 
2013-12-29 04:53:34 PM  
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

Nothing. You can't cross a vector with a scalar.
 
2013-12-29 05:13:14 PM  
Neutron walks into a bar, asks the bartender how much for a beer.  Bartender says, for you, no charge.
 
2013-12-29 05:19:45 PM  
That's no hydroxyl ion, that's my wife!!
 
2013-12-29 05:22:27 PM  
Heisenberg, Godel and Chomsky walk into a bar.

Heisenberg says, "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we tell if it's funny or not?"

So Godel says, "Well we can't know for sure, because we're inside the joke."

To which Chomsky replies, "Of course it's funny, it's just not being told properly."
 
2013-12-29 05:23:15 PM  
A higgs boson walks into a church.
 
2013-12-29 05:24:07 PM  
The other version of the Heisenberg joke has the cop asking him if he knows how fast he was going. Heisenberg replies "No, but I know exactly where I am!"
 
2013-12-29 05:29:47 PM  
A graduate student, a postdoc, and their professor are walking through a park on the way to lunch.
One of them finds a lamp, and rubs it.

*poof* out pops a genii.

"I only grant three wishes," the genii says, "so I will give each of you one wish."

"Me first!" screams the postdoc. "I want to be on a beach in Hawaii, with two SI models at my side and a cold margerita in my hand". *poof* - the postdoc disappears.

"My turn!" says the graduate student. "I want to be on a speedboat roaring through the Keys with two professional volleyball players at my side." *poof* - the grad student disappears.

The genii then turns to the professor and says "Your turn".

The professor says "I want those two back in the lab after lunch".
 
2013-12-29 05:31:45 PM  
Face it--he cleverer the scientific joke, the harder the groan. And that's if you even get it.

They're only actually funny if they can also be mean.
 
2013-12-29 05:48:39 PM  
So y = r cubed over 3. And if you determine the rate of change in this curve correctly, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
 
2013-12-29 06:02:03 PM  

flaminio: There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets, and


... those who know that past performance is not indicative of future results.
 
2013-12-29 06:06:34 PM  
img854.imageshack.us

/oblig
 
2013-12-29 06:13:05 PM  
A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer were each asked to establish the volume of a red rubber ball. The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated the volume as a triple integral. The engineer found the spec sheet for the ball on the vendor's web site.
 
2013-12-29 06:13:51 PM  
Two fermions walk into a bar. The first says "I'd like a vodka martini with a twist." The second says "Dammit, that's what I wanted!"
 
2013-12-29 06:14:56 PM  
A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer stay in a hotel. During the night, the engineer is awakened by a smell and gets up to check it. He finds a fire in the hallway, sees a nearby fire extinguisher and after extinguishing it, goes back to bed.

Later that night, the physicist gets up, again because of the smell of fire. He quickly gets up and sees the fire in the hallway. After calculating air pressure, flame temperature and humidity as well as distance to the fire and projected trajectory, he extinguishes the fire with the least amount of fluid.

At last, the mathematician awakes, only again to find a fire in the hallway. He instantly sees the extinguisher and thinks, "A solution exists!" and heads back into his room.
 
2013-12-29 06:15:35 PM  
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of a lethal dose.
 
2013-12-29 06:16:17 PM  

UseUrHeadFred: [img854.imageshack.us image 459x185]

/oblig


www.smbc-comics.com
 
2013-12-29 06:16:27 PM  
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 ft. to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 ft. to the right. The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
 
2013-12-29 06:16:56 PM  
An atom walks into a bar and asks the bartender if someone found his lost electron. "Are you sure you lost it here?" asks the bartender. To which the atom replies "I'm positive".

This About That: flaminio: There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets, and

... those who know that past performance is not indicative of future results.


Past performance does not guarantee future performance, but past performance is the best predictor of future performance we have.

GRCooper: A statistician would determine from that article that nerd jokes are *never* funny


A 6' statistician crosses a stream with an average depth of 3'. He drowned.

endosymbiont: What's brown and sticky?


A plantation worker after a long, sweaty day picking cotton?
 
2013-12-29 06:17:12 PM  
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?  He's 0K now.
 
2013-12-29 06:17:56 PM  
Q. Two kittens are on a sloped roof. Which one slides off first?
A. The one with the lowest mew.
 
2013-12-29 06:18:43 PM  
A programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
 
2013-12-29 06:21:03 PM  
A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies "No, I'm traveling light."
 
2013-12-29 06:22:18 PM  
The bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers in here."

A time traveler walks into a bar.
 
2013-12-29 06:23:00 PM  
A wife walks in on her husband, a string theorist, who's in bed with another woman. He shouts, "I can explain everything!"
 
2013-12-29 06:23:07 PM  
Why do computer scientists always mix up Christmas and Halloween?

Because 25DEC == 31OCT
 
2013-12-29 06:23:27 PM  

acohn: Q. Two kittens are on a sloped roof. Which one slides off first?
A. The one with the lowest mew.


My favorite.

There's also some good integral limerics, but I can't remember any.
 
2013-12-29 06:23:42 PM  
Why do programmers confuse Christmas with Halloween?

Because 25 DEC == 31OCT
 
2013-12-29 06:24:24 PM  
A programmer goes to take a shower. He has a new shampoo, so he reads the directions on the side of the bottle. He's never seen again.
 
2013-12-29 06:25:47 PM  
A biologist, a mathematician, and a physicist are sitting at a bus station near a house. They see two people go into the house. A little time passes, and then they see three people exiting the house. The biologist says they reproduced, the physicist says the initial sample size was wrong, and the mathematician says that exactly one person needs to enter the house for it to be empty.
 
2013-12-29 06:26:30 PM  
Fact: There is a herd of buffalo on the grounds of Fermilab. They're called... the Higgs Bison.
 
2013-12-29 06:27:25 PM  
A Higgs Boson walks into a Catholic church and the priest stops him at the door, "Hey, we don't allow your kind in here!" To which he replies, "But you know you can't have Mass without me."
 
2013-12-29 06:27:37 PM  
That sounds like a recipe for disaster, if you ask me...
 
2013-12-29 06:29:05 PM  
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide and seek. Einstein is "it," so he closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them.

Pascal is nowhere to be seen. However, Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.

Einstein says "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!"

Newton says, "No, no, Albert! You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
 
2013-12-29 06:30:12 PM  
On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution, a jailer led a priest, a drunkard, and an engineer to the guillotine. The executioner asks the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up, so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. The executioner raises the blade of the guillotine and releases it. It comes speeding down but suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. The executioner raises the blade of the guillotine and releases it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.

Next is the engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up. As the executioner slowly raises the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says, "Hey, I see what your problem is ..."
 
2013-12-29 06:30:54 PM  
An engineer, a mathematician and a statistician all encounter the same problem -their trashcan is on fire. The engineer puts the fire out with water. The mathematician calculates the EXACT amount of water to put the fire out, precisely measures it in time to put it out at time t. The statistician decides that the sample size isn't large enough, so he sets other trash cans on fire to study the problem more.
 
2013-12-29 06:31:52 PM  
A mathematician and a mechanical engineer agree to a psychological experiment. The (hungry) mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and his favorite meal, perfectly prepared, is placed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every minute, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the meal." The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the food!" And he gets up and storms out.

The psychologist ushers the mechanical engineer in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach the food?" The mechanical engineer smiles and replies: "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!"
 
2013-12-29 06:32:31 PM  
Two (male) mathematicians go to a restaurant. The first one complains to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer "One-third x cubed."

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point. He will ask the waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks, "What is the integral of x squared?".

The waitress answers, "One-third x cubed" and, while walking away, mutters under her breath, "plus a constant!"
 
2013-12-29 07:28:10 PM  
An electron and a positron walk into a bar.  There were no survivors.

/chemists do it periodically on a table
 
2013-12-29 07:45:12 PM  

Bondith: /chemists do it periodically on a table


I LOL'ed.  Better yet, I'm going to buy the T-shirt
 
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