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(ESPN)   'Twas the week before playoffs and all through the sport / NFL hopefuls were coming up short / But postseason seeding is no cause for thanking / Well, not next to this week's ESPN Rankings   (espn.go.com) divider line 145
    More: Amusing, NFL, Luke Kuechly, playoffs, rankings, Kellen Clemens, Darren Sproles, Julian Edelman, Brian Westbrook  
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1910 clicks; posted to Sports » on 24 Dec 2013 at 3:53 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



145 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2013-12-24 11:02:00 AM  
The Hawks of Seattle are perched at the top
While Manning on offense just cannot be stopped
The Panthers behind them, the Niners then Pats
Behind them, please kindly remind me "Who dat?"

Cincy and Indy and up come the Cards
The Chiefs find that playing some good teams is hard
The Eagles and Chargers stand over the Bears
The Ravens and Cowboys just glad to be there

The Fins and the Packers both still have a chance
As do the Steelers should the get several hands
The Rams showing promise; at least they are trying
Sadly the same can't be said for the Lions

The Titans and Jets barely stand o'er the Bills
The Giants don't lose and for that they are thrilled
The Vikes, Bucs, and Falcons just can't catch a break
The Browns just now find Campbell was a mistake

The Jags and the Raiders both manage four wins
That's one more than managed by RGIII's 'Skins
Completing the list, team that fell like a brick
Merry Christmas to Houston, you'll need that first pick
 
2013-12-24 11:05:49 AM  

sakanagai: The Hawks of Seattle are perched at the top
While Manning on offense just cannot be stopped
The Panthers behind them, the Niners then Pats
Behind them, please kindly remind me "Who dat?"

Cincy and Indy and up come the Cards
The Chiefs find that playing some good teams is hard
The Eagles and Chargers stand over the Bears
The Ravens and Cowboys just glad to be there

The Fins and the Packers both still have a chance
As do the Steelers should the get several hands
The Rams showing promise; at least they are trying
Sadly the same can't be said for the Lions

The Titans and Jets barely stand o'er the Bills
The Giants don't lose and for that they are thrilled
The Vikes, Bucs, and Falcons just can't catch a break
The Browns just now find Campbell was a mistake

The Jags and the Raiders both manage four wins
That's one more than managed by RGIII's 'Skins
Completing the list, team that fell like a brick
Merry Christmas to Houston, you'll need that first pick


Wow.  The first (and likely last) time the Power Rankings thread has ever been done in one.

assets0.ordienetworks.com
 
2013-12-24 11:21:23 AM  

sakanagai: The Hawks of Seattle are perched at the top
While Manning on offense just cannot be stopped
The Panthers behind them, the Niners then Pats
Behind them, please kindly remind me "Who dat?"

Cincy and Indy and up come the Cards
The Chiefs find that playing some good teams is hard
The Eagles and Chargers stand over the Bears
The Ravens and Cowboys just glad to be there

The Fins and the Packers both still have a chance
As do the Steelers should the get several hands
The Rams showing promise; at least they are trying
Sadly the same can't be said for the Lions

The Titans and Jets barely stand o'er the Bills
The Giants don't lose and for that they are thrilled
The Vikes, Bucs, and Falcons just can't catch a break
The Browns just now find Campbell was a mistake

The Jags and the Raiders both manage four wins
That's one more than managed by RGIII's 'Skins
Completing the list, team that fell like a brick
Merry Christmas to Houston, you'll need that first pick


So full of Holiday Win!
 
2013-12-24 12:07:03 PM  
The only thing that can even compete with the poetic version is redoing the graphs with Christmas-themed stuff.  And even then, it'll be tough.
 
2013-12-24 12:10:08 PM  

Harv72b: sakanagai: The Hawks of Seattle are perched at the top
While Manning on offense just cannot be stopped
The Panthers behind them, the Niners then Pats
Behind them, please kindly remind me "Who dat?"

Cincy and Indy and up come the Cards
The Chiefs find that playing some good teams is hard
The Eagles and Chargers stand over the Bears
The Ravens and Cowboys just glad to be there

The Fins and the Packers both still have a chance
As do the Steelers should the get several hands
The Rams showing promise; at least they are trying
Sadly the same can't be said for the Lions

The Titans and Jets barely stand o'er the Bills
The Giants don't lose and for that they are thrilled
The Vikes, Bucs, and Falcons just can't catch a break
The Browns just now find Campbell was a mistake

The Jags and the Raiders both manage four wins
That's one more than managed by RGIII's 'Skins
Completing the list, team that fell like a brick
Merry Christmas to Houston, you'll need that first pick

Wow.  The first (and likely last) time the Power Rankings thread has ever been done in one.


With all due respect to the poem, the Power Rankings thread is not done until The Graf is posted, the quiz answers appear, and The Jake has been awarded.
 
2013-12-24 12:28:36 PM  
This is not a bookmark.
 
2013-12-24 12:30:00 PM  

rumpelstiltskin: With all due respect to the poem, the Power Rankings thread is not done until The Graf is posted, the quiz answers appear, and The Jake has been awarded.


We're going to need a substitute GRAFfer, as Di said she is not at work and does not have access to her spreadsheets.
 
2013-12-24 12:48:22 PM  
Irrational Productions presents...
The Great NFL Tiebreaker Spreadsheet
with your host, RminusQ

Today's episode: 2013 Week 16


One week to go. Sixteen games left, and right now the only thing that appears in my bracket besides the dates of this year's playoff games is "5 Kansas City" in the AFC half. I can't even be sure that the winner of any particular division will go in any slot. It's madness. MADNESS I TELLS YA.
justpredictions.webs.com
The craziest thing is that with one spot left in the AFC, after both Baltimore and Miami lost last week, neither of them controls their own destiny. I've said this in a few threads since Sunday, but both teams could be waiting in their locker rooms for a good three hours after their game, waiting to find out if they are in or out, to be decided by the Chargers-Chiefs game.

justpredictions.webs.com
The reason is that even though Baltimore would win a two-way tiebreaker with Miami (head-to-head) or San Diego (conference record), a three-way tie would skip head-to-head and go right to conference record, where Miami prevails. This is only good at 9-7, as should Miami lose, they would fall behind the Jets in the division. The Jets are stuck with a head-to-head loss and a worse conference record than Baltimore, so they can't qualify under any situation, but should Pittsburgh win, they'd move ahead of Baltimore. A three-way NYJ/PIT/SD tie would go to the Steelers on conference record, and they'd grab the 6 seed. Crazy, yes? As seen in the MNF thread:
imageshack.com

The NFC table has the only two pairs of cells with text but no color: a MIN/ATL tie could be decided on similar games or strength of victory. In fact it's the only tie left that could possibly go to strength of victory, and that would happen only if Atlanta ties Carolina. All this work I put into the spreadsheet, again, and then the ties resolve themselves so nicely. The other uncolored boxes are Chicago/Green Bay which are in the unique situation of being separated by half-a-game with only a head-to-head game left. It is impossible for them to tie, so they get "N/A" in their boxes.

justpredictions.webs.com
I looked at the NFC scenarios and could not be arsed to put it in visual form. You'll get text lists in a later post. Cardinals are going to be this year's hard-luck team on the outside looking in, and what's interesting is that should they beat San Francisco, they'd have a better similar-games record (due to wins over Carolina and Indianapolis) but a worse division record (due to a loss to St. Louis) which would keep them behind the Niners. The Eagles would take the 3 seed with a win. If the Cowboys win, they would be 3 seed ahead of Green Bay or 4 seed behind Chicago depending on who won that game (I wonder if NBC wishes they had a mulligan now that Romo is out).

justpredictions.webs.com
One week left to determine the draft order, but since it's all divisional games, it's not that big of a discrepancy from what we have here. If Houston wins, Washington gets the first pick with a loss. If Washington wins, Jacksonville might steal the second pick with a loss. Ties within a conference are broken by standard tiebreakers, ties across conference by coin flip as shown.
/wow, my screencaps are looking particularly grimy today
//I would normally include the playoff bracket, but as I said, that's still completely useless this week
 
2013-12-24 12:54:03 PM  
Twas two nights before Christmas, Matt Ryan intercepted...the end.
 
2013-12-24 01:06:51 PM  
Easier to understand chart:
i.imgur.com
 
2013-12-24 01:13:04 PM  
Plinko version:

i.imgur.com
 
2013-12-24 01:14:46 PM  

i.imgur.com

On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me...
(let me know who is under my christmas tree for all 12 days of Christmas)

1 defensive pass interference call all season for a team:

2 Kick Return TDs this season:

3 Defensive Safeties for a team:

4 Passes Intercepted this week:

a.espncdn.com:

6 Defensive Interceptions all season (worst in the league):

7 Extra points kicked this week:

8 defensive interceptions for a single player:

9 missed field goals:

10 pass completions in a shutout loss this season (the worst):

11 losses, 3 wins in December over his career:

12 rushing touchdowns:
 
2013-12-24 01:18:59 PM  
It will piss the Dolphins and Steelers off, but Andy Reid sits his starters. He's been in that spot four times, where the last game can't affect his playoff position, and he's sat them every time. So I expect Alex Smith and Jamaal Charles will sit. Maybe play one series. That lazy fark Dwayne Bowe, we won't be able to tell. Maybe DJ and Tamba Hali will sit too, but the rest of the defense needs the practice. Although exercise, not practice, may be all they get, chasing Chargers down the field.
 
2013-12-24 01:27:04 PM  
Okay everybody, it's time for the last FARK/FAIL ratings of the season:

1) Seattle (1)
2) Denver (2)
3) Carolina (3)
4) San Francisco (4)
5) New England (5)
6) Kansas City (10)
7) New Orleans (6)
8) Cincinnati (7)
9) Arizona (9)
10) Indianapolis (8)
11) Philadelphia (11)
12) San Diego (12)
13) Baltimore (14)
14) Miami (16)
15) Dallas (15)
16) Chicago (13)
17) Pittsburgh (18)
18) Green Bay (17)
19) St. Louis (19)
20) Detroit (20)
21) Tennessee (21)
22) New York Jets (22)
23) Buffalo (23)
24) New York Giants (24)
25) Tampa Bay (26)
26) Atlanta (27)
27) Cleveland (28)
28) Minnesota (25)
29) Oakland (30)
30) Jacksonville (29)
31) Washington (31)
32) Houston (32)

Parentheses, as always, are ESPN's ranks.

The Vikings Are Too Damn High: -3 compared to ESPN
The Chiefs Are Too Damn Low: +4 compared to ESPN

Thanks everybody for a great season of Power Rankings threads, and for putting up with my quixotic hobby of being more accurate (in my estimation) than ESPN. I'll see you all in the game threads. Merry Christmas and happy New Year.
 
2013-12-24 01:45:33 PM  
Treygreen13:

1 defensive pass interference call all season for a team: No idea, Falcons?

2 Kick Return TDs this season: Jacoby Jones

3 Defensive Safeties for a team: Chiefs

4 Passes Intercepted this week: Matt Stafford

5 a.espncdn.com: Gooolden Taaaate

6 Defensive Interceptions all season (worst in the league): Steelers

7 Extra points kicked this week: Nick Folk (Eagles kicker, in case I'm getting his name wrong)

8 defensive interceptions for a single player: No idea

9 missed field goals: Graham Gano

10 pass completions in a shutout loss this season (the worst): Eli Manning

11 losses, 3 wins in December over his career: Blaine Gabbert

12 rushing touchdowns: Jamaal Charles

/hoping I get at least two.
 
2013-12-24 01:46:55 PM  

Treygreen13: [i.imgur.com image 257x297]On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me...
(let me know who is under my christmas tree for all 12 days of Christmas)

1 defensive pass interference call all season for a team:

Bills?

2 Kick Return TDs this season: Cordarelle Patterson

3 Defensive Safeties for a team: Eagles (they have at least one ;_; )

4 Passes Intercepted this week: Carson Palmer (but he won, too!)

5  [a.espncdn.com image 350x254]: Golden (rings a bell) Tate

6 Defensive Interceptions all season (worst in the league): Houston

7 Extra points kicked this week: Henery

8 defensive interceptions for a single player: Sherman

9 missed field goals: Hartley

10 pass completions in a shutout loss this season (the worst): Tannehill

11 losses, 3 wins in December over his career: Stafford? (Only since I know it's not Romo, what other team completely collapses down the stretch?)

12 rushing touchdowns: Jamaal Charles
 
2013-12-24 01:50:59 PM  

Triumph: Plinko version:

[i.imgur.com image 425x320]


Nice. The one thing I did which makes it more visually complicated was putting SD/KC at the bottom, but I did that because it's a 4:25 kick.
 
2013-12-24 01:52:01 PM  
AFC Scenarios by position
AFC Homefield
Denver with (a) win; (b) NE loss
New England with win and DEN loss

AFC #2
Denver with loss and NE win
New England with (a) win and DEN win; (b) CIN loss and IND loss
Cincinnati with win and NE loss
Indianapolis with win and NE loss and CIN loss

AFC bye
New England with (a) win; (b) CIN loss and IND loss
Cincinnati with win and NE loss
Indianapolis with win and NE loss and CIN loss

AFC #3
New England with (a) loss and CIN win and IND loss; (b) loss and CIN loss and IND win
Cincinnati with (a) win and NE win; (b) loss and IND loss
Indianapolis with (a) win and NE win and CIN loss; (b) win and NE loss and CIN win

AFC #4
New England with loss and CIN win and IND win
Cincinnati with loss and IND win
Indianapolis with (a) loss; (b) NE win and CIN win

AFC Scenarios by team
Denver - clinched bye
#1 with (a) win; (b) NE loss
#2 with loss and NE win

New England
#1 with win and DEN loss
#2 with (a) win and DEN win; (b) CIN loss and IND loss
Bye with (a) win; (b) CIN loss and IND loss
#3 with (a) loss and CIN win and IND loss; (b) loss and CIN loss and IND win
#4 with loss and CIN win and IND win

Cincinnati
#2/bye with win and NE loss
#3 with (a) win and NE win; (b) loss and IND loss
#4 with loss and IND win

Indianapolis
#2/bye with win and NE loss and CIN loss
#3 with (a) win and NE win and CIN loss; (b) win and NE loss and CIN win
#4 with (a) loss; (b) NE win and CIN win
 
2013-12-24 01:53:45 PM  
NFC scenarios by position
NFC South and bye
Carolina with (a) win/tie; (b) NO loss
New Orleans with win and CAR loss

NFC West and bye
Seattle with (a) win/tie; (b) SF loss/tie
San Francisco with win and SEA loss

NFC Homefield
Seattle with (a) win/tie; (b) SF loss/tie
San Francisco with win and SEA loss and CAR loss/tie
Carolina with win and SEA loss and SF win

NFC #2
San Francisco with win and SEA loss and CAR win
Carolina with (a) win and SEA win/tie; (b) win and SF loss/tie; (c) loss and NO loss/tie; (d) tie
New Orleans with win and CAR loss

NFC #3
Philadelphia with win/tie
Dallas with win and CHI loss/tie
Chicago with win and PHI loss

NFC #4
Dallas with win and CHI win
Chicago with (a) win and PHI win/tie; (b) tie
Green Bay with win

NFC #5
Seattle with loss and SF win
San Francisco with (a) win and SEA win; (b) loss and NO loss
Carolina with loss and NO win and SF loss
New Orleans with win and SF loss and CAR win

NFC #6
San Francisco with loss and NO win
Arizona with win and NO loss
Carolina with loss and NO win and SF win
New Orleans with (a) loss and ARZ loss; (b) CAR win and ARZ loss

In
Arizona with win and NO loss
New Orleans with (a) win; (b) ARZ loss

NFC scenarios by team
Arizona
In/#6 with win and NO loss
Out with (a) loss; (b) NO win

Carolina - in
#1 with win and SEA loss and SF win
#2 with (a) win and SEA win; (b) win and SF loss; (c) loss and NO loss
South/bye with (a) win; (b) NO loss
#5 with loss and NO win and SF loss
#6 with loss and NO win and SF win

New Orleans
#2/South/bye with win and CAR loss
#5 with win and CAR win and SF loss
#6 with (a) loss and ARZ loss; (b) CAR win and ARZ loss
In with (a) win; (b) ARZ loss
Out with loss and ARZ win

San Francisco - in
#1 with win and SEA loss and CAR loss
#2 with win and SEA loss and CAR win
West/bye with win and SEA loss
#5 with (a) win and SEA win; (b) loss and NO loss
#6 with loss and NO win

Seattle - in
#1/West/bye with (a) win; (b) SF loss
#5 with loss and SF win
 
2013-12-24 01:55:27 PM  

nmrsnr: Treygreen13:

1 defensive pass interference call all season for a team: No idea, Falcons?

2 Kick Return TDs this season: Jacoby Jones

Jones does have 2 TDs this year, but one was on a TD pass

3 Defensive Safeties for a team: Chiefs

4 Passes Intercepted this week: Matt Stafford


5 a.espncdn.com: Gooolden Taaaate

6 Defensive Interceptions all season (worst in the league): Steelers While the Steelers are certainly woeful this season on INTs, they have 9 and are tied for next to last, so good guess

7 Extra points kicked this week: Nick Folk Alex Henery(Eagles kicker, in case I'm getting his name wrong)

8 defensive interceptions for a single player: No idea

9 missed field goals: Graham Gano
As much as I like the "Graham Gano-good" meme he has only missed 3 this year for the Panthers

10 pass completions in a shutout loss this season (the worst): Eli Manning

11 losses, 3 wins in December over his career: Blaine Gabbert
 Gabbert has only played 4 December games. He is 1-3.

12 rushing touchdowns: Jamaal Charles

/hoping I get at least two.

You have 3 correct!
 
2013-12-24 02:00:05 PM  

sakanagai: Treygreen13: [i.imgur.com image 257x297]On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me...
(let me know who is under my christmas tree for all 12 days of Christmas)

1 defensive pass interference call all season for a team: Bills?


2 Kick Return TDs this season: Cordarelle Patterson

3 Defensive Safeties for a team: Eagles (they have at least one ;_; )

4 Passes Intercepted this week: Carson Palmer (but he won, too!)

5  [a.espncdn.com image 350x254]: Golden (rings a bell) Tate

6 Defensive Interceptions all season (worst in the league): Houston

7 Extra points kicked this week: Henery

8 defensive interceptions for a single player: Sherman


9 missed field goals: Hartley Shankapotamus has only missed 8 this year

10 pass completions in a shutout loss this season (the worst): Tannehill

11 losses, 3 wins in December over his career: Stafford? (Only since I know it's not Romo, what other team completely collapses down the stretch?)

12 rushing touchdowns: Jamaal Charles


9 out of 12! Well done.
 
2013-12-24 02:05:39 PM  

Treygreen13: 9 out of 12! Well done.


Wow. Much better than I expected. Can't quite believe there's a worse kicker than Hartley this season or that Stafford really is allergic to December.
 
2013-12-24 02:10:36 PM  

sakanagai: Treygreen13: 9 out of 12! Well done.

Wow. Much better than I expected. Can't quite believe there's a worse kicker than Hartley this season or that Stafford really is allergic to December.


I was shocked to see the other guy with 8 misses - Sebastian Janikowski. Upon further review he's had a terrible year going 21/29.
 
2013-12-24 02:16:21 PM  

Treygreen13: sakanagai: Treygreen13: 9 out of 12! Well done.

Wow. Much better than I expected. Can't quite believe there's a worse kicker than Hartley this season or that Stafford really is allergic to December.

I was shocked to see the other guy with 8 misses - Sebastian Janikowski. Upon further review he's had a terrible year going 21/29.


Crikey. And he doesn't even have the excuse of his team sending him out on 70-yarders this season.
 
2013-12-24 02:34:48 PM  
Staying steady at #2 again this week, the team with the highest-scoring QB in the history of the National Football League, AND you're AFC West Champions for a 3rd consecutive year...

THE DENVER BRONCOS!!! :D

i1182.photobucket.com
 
2013-12-24 02:38:31 PM  

Treygreen13: On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me...
(let me know who is under my christmas tree for all 12 days of Christmas)

1 defensive pass interference call all season for a team:

2 Kick Return TDs this season:

3 Defensive Safeties for a team:

4 Passes Intercepted this week:

5  :

6 Defensive Interceptions all season (worst in the league):

7 Extra points kicked this week:

8 defensive interceptions for a single player:

9 missed field goals:

10 pass completions in a shutout loss this season (the worst):

11 losses, 3 wins in December over his career:

12 rushing touchdowns:


GOLDEN TAAAAAATE
 
2013-12-24 02:47:07 PM  
Whatever your opinion of anything, this is quite the telling stat:

"How impressive are Peyton Manning's 51 touchdown passes? Twenty-one teams don't have 51 touchdown passes over the past two seasons combined."
 
2013-12-24 02:47:51 PM  
Not moved from 11? FARK OFF ESPN!
 
2013-12-24 02:55:58 PM  

dletter: Whatever your opinion of anything, this is quite the telling stat:

"How impressive are Peyton Manning's 51 touchdown passes? Twenty-one teams don't have 51 touchdown passes over the past two seasons combined."


He has more 4th qtr TDs than the jets have had in all quarters combined all season
 
2013-12-24 02:56:48 PM  
GO PACK GO.

Honestly can't believe they're starting cutler.
 
2013-12-24 02:58:08 PM  
pbs.twimg.com

Unbelievable we still have a chance, but a chance is better than nothing.

GO PIT
 
2013-12-24 03:02:06 PM  

thecpt: dletter: Whatever your opinion of anything, this is quite the telling stat:

"How impressive are Peyton Manning's 51 touchdown passes? Twenty-one teams don't have 51 touchdown passes over the past two seasons combined."

He has more 4th qtr TDs than the jets have had in all quarters combined all season


He is responsible for 30% of the passing TDs surrendered by the Ravens this season.

And 27% of those given up by the Titans.
 
2013-12-24 03:12:03 PM  

Harv72b: thecpt: dletter: Whatever your opinion of anything, this is quite the telling stat:

"How impressive are Peyton Manning's 51 touchdown passes? Twenty-one teams don't have 51 touchdown passes over the past two seasons combined."

He has more 4th qtr TDs than the jets have had in all quarters combined all season

He is responsible for 30% of the passing TDs surrendered by the Ravens this season.

And 27% of those given up by the Titans.


But wait, there's more!

Peyton's worst QB rating this season was 70.4, compiled in their loss to New England.  His brother's season rating is 69.8.
Peyton has recorded a QB rating under 93 in three games this year (and one of those was a 92.9).  Eli has achieved a mark above 93 in two.
 
2013-12-24 03:36:15 PM  

RminusQ: rumpelstiltskin: With all due respect to the poem, the Power Rankings thread is not done until The Graf is posted, the quiz answers appear, and The Jake has been awarded.

We're going to need a substitute GRAFfer, as Di said she is not at work and does not have access to her spreadsheets.


Is the SOV table updated? That one's WAY easier to improvise.
 
2013-12-24 03:37:16 PM  

eddievercetti: Not moved from 11? FARK OFF ESPN!


Who above you should you be above?   I guess maybe Arizona since you did beat them, and you could make a case you are better than KC, so, maybe 9th?

But, the "power rankings" in general depend way too much on "W-L" standings than current actual "Power"... if a team lost its two top players, they'd still keep them up at the top until they started a big losing streak, even though you'd be able to go "yeah, this team is now pedetrian".... it is basically just "look at the standings, and flip around a few teams near each other based on how we think they really are".
 
2013-12-24 03:52:06 PM  
I'm actually surprised the Cowboys didn't get dinged a few spots after the news of Romo's injury broke.
 
2013-12-24 03:56:16 PM  

Di Atribe: I'm actually surprised the Cowboys didn't get dinged a few spots after the news of Romo's injury broke.


Don't you mean "bumped up a few spots"?

/Sorry, low-hanging fruit, etc.
 
2013-12-24 03:59:11 PM  

Di Atribe: I'm actually surprised the Cowboys didn't get dinged a few spots after the news of Romo's injury broke.


This goes to my statement that the "Power Rankings" are really just the W-L standings with a few adjustments.... in a real "right today Power Rankings", losing Romo would make the Cowboys about 20th.


Another interesting tidbit (unfortunately for me as a Bears fan)... ugh, the D is bad this year:

"Remember when the Bears played defense? Opponents have scored at least 40 points against Chicago four times this season, the same number as the previous nine seasons combined."
 
2013-12-24 04:04:09 PM  
Friends,

We have gathered here today to celebrate a remarkable achievement.  Not only that, of course, but a festival filled with love and laughter.  A holiday meant to celebrate the spirit of goodwill between men, of charity and grace, when the traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin.

No, I'm not talking about how the Atlanta Falcons managed to blow another game right at the very end last night.

I'm talking about Christmas.

Famous not only for the birth of Jesus and the colloquialisms heard in major department stores that have formed the crucible over which whole swaths of our society choose to wage war, this season of giving is just perfect for our weekly celebrations, is it not?  The less fortunate of the franchises continually receive grand donations from some big quarterbacking names around the league, it's very true.  However, before you think that the little guys aren't also called upon to reach deep in their pocket, fall back into the same, and give wholeheartedly to the idea that sometimes your opponent just needs a beautifully wrapped present, think again.   The many quarterbacks who have engaged in our weekly reindeer games have varied wildly in both league experience and name recognition, but perhaps the most jinxed name in this season's contests has been...

Matt.

Whether the Week 7 record efforts of a benchwarmer following the same path to wild NFL success as other USC luminaries ranging from Palmer to Sanchez...


static6.businessinsider.com

Or the Week 8 showing by the same overrated doofus who provided such hearty amusement just 24 hours ago...

i63.photobucket.com

Then there was the Week 12 performance by the gunslinger with the most pleasantly plump face in the league, a true harbinger of the surrendered division to come...

www1.pictures.zimbio.com

And fark, as at least an honorable mention, we must note the unfrozen caveman quarterback whose failure to capture this award at least once this season can only be chalked up to his being so putrid at his profession that he was actually replaced under center by something called a Case Keenum...

 www.gettinafterit.com

Into this glorious tradition steps this week's winner, a man who some might be surprised to find out hasn't previously found any plays of his chronicled in these wonderful stories.

intheneutralzone.com

Previously famous solely for being the luckiest NFL lotto winner until a certain Green Bay Packer, then Seattle Seahawk, then Oakland Raider, then Green Bay Packer once more came along and got paid millions for a single game - hey, wait a minute!

d8bixwancjkpp.cloudfront.net

Such the motif.  But I digress.

Having been paid all that cabbage, our man settled into life as a punchline.  A fortunate fluke whose good fortune came entirely at the expense of a bronzed buttchinned superstar's shredded ACL.  With a 6 year contract worth $62.7 million from the Kansas City Chiefs turned into an outright release after managing to get courageously benched in favor of Brady Quinn and bizarrely benched so that the audience both at home and in the stadium could behold The Tyler Palko Era, this quarterback had ultimately enjoyed quite the storied career thus far.  A roster spot with the abysmal Minnesota Vikings in hand, one last amusing label of "Not As Good As Christian Ponder" firmly attached to his forehead, this week's protagonist did manage to secure a Week 4 start due to a rib injury for that same starter.

After that, though?  Killing time and cashing checks, as much as he might have hated it.  He was a
starter, damn it...sure, he looked bad before, but he also looked good.  Damn good.  All he needed was another shot to show that he still could be somebody in this league.

That of course lasted for ten weeks, when fate once again tapped him on the shoulderpads, this time in the form of the aforementioned Ponder discovering how to count to potato against the Chicago Bears.

Now the rest of the season was in his hands.  Now, with ownership seemingly sick of their shiatty starter at long last, he could stake his claim on what he once so tragically frittered away.

Stepping onto the field against the Cincinnati Bengals, he felt good.  Hell, he felt confident.  Being on the road against top flight competition didn't scare him, he'd faced better back in New England and he had survived.  He had
thrived.  Settling under center to start the game, he sharply barked his commands to his offense, ready to do battle and show everyone watching what he was made of.

As another beloved fable of the yuletide tells us, though, cockiness is not a virtue and getting that one special gift for Christmas isn't always a good thing.

Sometimes, well...

Sometimes, you'll shoot your eye out.

And it just might have been that a one-eyed man might've done better on that gridiron Sunday.  For fark's sake, he couldn't have done much worse - a fumble in the opening 96 seconds of the contest, a pick 6 INT to kick off the second quarter and another interception on the very next possession, his day was pretty much garbage from the word go.

True, his team's defense had been served a steaming hot fortyburger midway into the third quarter, but did he
have to seal this award late in the 4th quarter with a miserable duck that itself looked ashamed to have been thrown?

Not at all.

But we are so glad that he did it, and why?  Because these award-winning performances are like these players' presents to all of us, and this week was Matt Cassel dressing up in the Santa suit and falling face first down the chimney.

We are indeed so very grateful for that, and don't you worry, Matt - we will NOT need the receipt.

For reminding us of the reason for the season, for giving us a gift that looks so much prettier than that sweater our grandmas knitted since March, for letting us know that all of us here were truly on his shopping list, I am proud to present The Jake for Week 16 of the 2013 NFL season to Matt Cassel of the Minnesota Vikings.


i63.photobucket.com

Anything to add, Matt?

extras.mnginteractive.com

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
 
2013-12-24 04:06:24 PM  

robsul82: e Jake for Week 16 of the 2013 NFL season to Matt Cassel of the Minnesota Vikings.


I think it's even more deserved after smacking the crap out of the Eagles last week and then going out and doing this. What a maroon.
 
2013-12-24 04:13:52 PM  

robsul82: For reminding us of the reason for the season, for giving us a gift that looks so much prettier than that sweater our grandmas knitted since March, for letting us know that all of us here were truly on his shopping list, I am proud to present The Jake for Week 16 of the 2013 NFL season to Matt Cassel of the Minnesota Vikings.


i1182.photobucket.com
 
2013-12-24 04:16:39 PM  
bravo
 
2013-12-24 04:17:40 PM  

robsul82: And fark, as at least an honorable mention, we must note the unfrozen caveman quarterback whose failure to capture this award at least once this season can only be chalked up to his being so putrid at his profession that he was actually replaced under center by something called a Case Keenum...


That picture....

img.fark.net

It looks like his face is imploding; did his sinus cavity turn into a tiny black hole?
 
2013-12-24 04:19:33 PM  

UNC_Samurai: robsul82: And fark, as at least an honorable mention, we must note the unfrozen caveman quarterback whose failure to capture this award at least once this season can only be chalked up to his being so putrid at his profession that he was actually replaced under center by something called a Case Keenum...

That picture....



It looks like his face is imploding; did his sinus cavity turn into a tiny black hole?


It would be a great "sort of want" meme
 
2013-12-24 04:21:12 PM  

Di Atribe: RminusQ: rumpelstiltskin: With all due respect to the poem, the Power Rankings thread is not done until The Graf is posted, the quiz answers appear, and The Jake has been awarded.

We're going to need a substitute GRAFfer, as Di said she is not at work and does not have access to her spreadsheets.

Is the SOV table updated? That one's WAY easier to improvise.


I have my graf/stats up-to-date, so I can at least provide that (but not the SOV chart). Back in a few minutes...
 
2013-12-24 04:22:09 PM  

Harv72b: Don't you mean "bumped up a few spots"?

/Sorry, low-hanging fruit, etc.


Harv, it's Christmas, so I won't point out how your Steelers are below .500 and the only way they're getting into the playoffs is if half the league gets hit with a meteor.


dletter: "Remember when the Bears played defense? Opponents have scored at least 40 points against Chicago four times this season, the same number as the previous nine seasons combined."


That is truly a jaw-dropping stat. Wow.


OK, back up to read the Jake!
 
2013-12-24 04:25:24 PM  
Time for your answers for NFL Trivia!

12 rushing touchdowns(best in the league):
Jamaal Charles

11 losses, 3 wins in December over his career:
Matt "throw it near Megatron" Stafford, who is close to having as many December losses as Tony Romo in a mere 14 games!

10 Completions in a shutout loss this week (worst in a shutout this year):
Ryan Tannehill, which says a lot about his shiattyness when he's worse than Eli Manning at getting blown the fark out

9 missed field goals (worst in the league):
Randy Bullock, the Texans kicker. Another little element that explains the Texans historic demise.

8 defensive interceptions (best in the league):
Richard Sherman, who has more INTs by himself than the Texans and one less than the Raiders, Falcons, and Steelers

7 extra points kicked this week:
Alex Henery who benefited from the Bears rolling over and dying

6 team interceptions (fewest in the league):
Houston Texans another abysmal stat for the most overhyped failure in recent memory

5 GOOOOOOOOLDEN TAAAAAAATES

4 Passes Intercepted this week:
Carson Palmer who was narrowly bailed out by Matt Cassel for winning a Jake this week

3 Defensive Safeties for a team (best in the league):
The Jacksonville Jaguars, proving that they finally lead the league in a positive stat! Congrats Bunny de Ville!

2 Kick Return TDs (most in the league):
Cordarrelle Patterson

1 Defensive Pass Interference call all season for a team:
The Washington Redskins, who still managed to give up 30 points a game in spite of only moving the chains once on DPI.

Thanks for playing!
 
2013-12-24 04:32:22 PM  
Ugh.  I don't have a good feeling about my Saints.  They just don't seem right lately.

/Someone talk me off the ledge
 
2013-12-24 04:38:49 PM  
CSB:  Ok, so my teams coaches and QB's are awful. Well known. I say it all the time.

Thing is, I have 6 buddys I play Xbox with ALOT.

They are fans of:

Packers
Saints
Falcons
Lions
Texans
Cowboys

So because I do nip at the Haterade once in a while, I do think it would be HILARIOUS if not one of our teams made it in. Which is possible with the Eagles, Bears and Cardianls winning with the Saints losing.

/end CSB
 
2013-12-24 04:39:25 PM  
The backup throws the GRAF, and it's......... INTERCEPTED!

No, wait, there it is...

fubegra.net
(click for full size)

...and the Texans, after landing with a thud, bounced like a dead cow (that is, not at all). I definitely don't think the Seahawks should have held on to the #1 spot after losing to the Cardinals, though.

Biggest jump: +3 (Chargers, Cowboys)
Biggest drop: -4 (Chiefs)
Biggest overall jump: +20 (Panthers)
Biggest overall drop: -25 (Falcons, Texans)
Lowest fluctuation: 3 (Broncos, Jaguars)
Highest fluctuation: 28 (Falcons, Texans)
Average fluctuation: 13.469
Lowest fluctuation travel: 6 (Jaguars)
Highest fluctuation travel: 62 (Eagles)
Average fluctuation travel: 32.875

Unchanged from last week: Seahawks (1), Broncos (2), Eagles (11), Bears (13), Titans (21), Jets (22), Jaguars (29), Raiders (30), Redskins (31), Texans (32)
Back at initial rank: Seahawks (1), Browns (28), Jaguars (29)
At maximum rank: Seahawks (1), Panthers (3), Jaguars (29)
At minimum rank: Redskins (31), Texans (32)
 
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