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(Slate)   A Ken-Burns style documentary on the War on Christmas. It must be real, then   (slate.com ) divider line
    More: Amusing, documentary  
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4249 clicks; posted to Main » on 23 Dec 2013 at 12:37 PM (2 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-12-23 12:38:50 PM  
Will there be War on Christmas reeneactments 100 years from now?
 
2013-12-23 12:40:11 PM  
Why don't we hear about the war on Ramadan, Hanukkah or Diwali?
 
2013-12-23 12:41:52 PM  
Christmas, HUH! Good God, y'all. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing!
 
2013-12-23 12:43:00 PM  

whatshisname: Why don't we hear about the war on Ramadan, Hanukkah or Diwali?


Because the idiots running around with knives can't find any inflatable dreidels or what not to slash.
 
2013-12-23 12:43:43 PM  
Would it be considered irony that everyone who cries about the war on Christmas, those who keep declaring the United States a Christian nation hold beliefs that are the polar opposite of what Christ supposedly stood for? No? Yeah, the concept of irony is a liberal book lernin concept.
 
2013-12-23 12:45:21 PM  
 
2013-12-23 12:46:15 PM  
The real war on Christmas? Saturation into oblivion. Keep hammering this point, Sarah Palin & Fox Noise, until we'd all rather watch house paint dry than hear your dog whine voice again.

/criminey
 
2013-12-23 12:46:21 PM  
Fake video is faked. :(
 
2013-12-23 12:47:19 PM  
This is going to be my Wednesday, when everything to my family is part of the war on xmas, including calling it xmas.


Of course these are people who keep the bible on display next to whatever conservative blowhard book that just came out.
 
2013-12-23 12:49:18 PM  
So up to this point, Santa has had an all volunteer force of elves at the north Pole and unfortunately only 1% of the world's elf population have volunteered for North Pole Duty. It's really a shame that the Elven political system is so out of touch with the elven population that  so few of their children have ever served. You'd never see many of them sending their elf children off to make toys and slave 364 days a year.
I wouldn't be surprised if they have to broaden the force to sustain a secondary South Pole shop that we'd have to reinstate an elven draft to cover two front,  year around manufacturing. It's usually the really patriotic, lower income, opportunity and socio-cocnomic classes of elves that bear the brunt of Santa's Secret Service.
 
2013-12-23 12:49:48 PM  
You see me now a veteran of a thousand Christmas Wars.
 
2013-12-23 12:50:37 PM  
From the letters of Mister Bill O'Reilly, we can get the picture of how the War on Christmas was going in 2013:

(Narrator's Voice)
Dearest Wife, I am still here at the front lines of the War on Christmas but I expect to be home by Boxing Day. Read these words and know in your hearth that her man is fighting for the Jebus and for the God we know and love.

Today, I admonished a worker at Wendy's for wishing me a "Happy Holiday". My blood does boil when these low paid lackeys listen to the serpent tongued "Big Money Christmas Profiteers" who refuse to accept Christmas for what it is: A celebration of God and Godliness and Jebus.

To my dearest wife, I respectfully ask you to respect the many packages that have been parcelled to our home. For while I am away, fighting the money changers and advertising mavens, I do not wish to ignore my family duties! There are tasteful gifts for all. There is a loofah/falafel sponge that I shall forward to a co-worker. It is merely a gift, Dear Wife. It would not interest you.

Now, I must return to the front lines for I hear that there is a street corner Santa telling all who care to hear that Christmas is about presents and I shall confront the deceitful man about this.

Take car, my wife and know that my heart is with you this Christmas.
(signed)
Bill "Been to War" O'Reilly
 
2013-12-23 12:51:12 PM  
I really love the Dust Bowl documentary.  It is so captivating.
 
2013-12-23 12:55:57 PM  
Happy Holidays.

/if this pisses you off, YOU are the broken one
 
2013-12-23 12:56:42 PM  
Great, Now how long until my mom forwards me a link to the "documentary".
 
2013-12-23 12:57:24 PM  
FTA: Every year around this time, you'll hear a chorus of conservatives lament the secularization of Christmas

It's not the secularization they care about.  They're completely fine if your store opens at 6:00AM on Sunday so that shoppers can take advantage of the great deals on a new big screen TV, so long as you call it a "Christmas Sale" and the helpful clerk taking my money doesn't say "Happy Holidays."

The real War on ChristmasTM is being perpetrated by from the pundits who confuse gift shopping for anything Christ-like.
 
2013-12-23 12:59:47 PM  
I got PTSD from the Christmas War.
 
2013-12-23 01:07:58 PM  
New game: Every time you hear the phrase "War on Christmas," take a shot. Enjoy!

DRINK!
 
2013-12-23 01:08:23 PM  
Dear Madam,
I have been shown in the files of the War Department a statement of the Adjutant General that you are the mother of five sons who have died gloriously on the field of battle in the War on Christmas. I feel how weak and fruit-cake-less must be any word of mine which should attempt to beguile you from the grief of a manufactured, self-righteous rage so overwhelming. But I cannot refrain from tendering you the consolation that may be found in the thanks of the Holy Holiday they died to save. I pray that Jesus is the Reason for the Season may assuage the anguish of your bereavement, and leave you only the cherished memory of your little brats ripping open presents under a tree, and the solemn pride that must be yours to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of CHRISTmas.
Yours, very sincerely and respectfully,
The President
 
2013-12-23 01:12:50 PM  
Christ taught that tolerance is a virtue and that pride is a sin.

Conservatives are proud of their "zero-tolerance" attitude.

Nuff said.
 
2013-12-23 01:13:15 PM  
It's not a real war until the drone strikes start....
 
2013-12-23 01:14:13 PM  
It's more of a battle than a war.
 
2013-12-23 01:15:39 PM  
Why can't things go back to the way they were in my fantasies and childhood ignorance?
 
GBB
2013-12-23 01:17:58 PM  

FarkingReading: Dear Madam,
I have been shown in the files of the War Department a statement of the Adjutant General that you are the mother of five sons who have died gloriously on the field of battle in the War on Christmas. I feel how weak and fruit-cake-less must be any word of mine which should attempt to beguile you from the grief of a manufactured, self-righteous rage so overwhelming. But I cannot refrain from tendering you the consolation that may be found in the thanks of the Holy Holiday they died to save. I pray that Jesus is the Reason for the Season may assuage the anguish of your bereavement, and leave you only the cherished memory of your little brats ripping open presents under a tree, and the solemn pride that must be yours to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of CHRISTmas.
Yours, very sincerely and respectfully,
The President


images1.wikia.nocookie.net
 
2013-12-23 01:18:34 PM  
While reading this thread, I'm listening to this. Adds to the flavor.
 
2013-12-23 01:25:45 PM  
I'm compelled to say this: Ken Burns-style documentary. I'm sorry. I know, I'm sick.
 
2013-12-23 01:29:58 PM  

Garaba: This is going to be my Wednesday, when everything to my family is part of the war on xmas, including calling it xmas.


Of course these are people who keep the bible on display next to whatever conservative blowhard book that just came out.


Does English have a word that means something like "being offended or outraged over a misconception"?  Because the whole idea that referring to Christmas as "Xmas" is some sort of attempt to take Christ out of Christmas is a pretty good example of that, and of someone being pretty ignorant of their own religion.
 
2013-12-23 01:35:49 PM  

ciberido: Does English have a word that means something like "being offended or outraged over a misconception"?


Derp?
 
2013-12-23 01:39:49 PM  

Fart_Machine: You see me now a veteran of a thousand Christmas Wars.


Your outrage is spent at last, and your fruitcake is destroyed.
 
2013-12-23 01:47:51 PM  

browntimmy: Why can't things go back to the way they were in my fantasies and childhood ignorance?


There's a book called The Way We Never Were that explores how different the 1950s were in the USA from the way they're commonly depicted today.  It's by Stephanie Coontz.
 
2013-12-23 01:54:45 PM  
Who is ken burns? I only ever heard of him from Dr. Dre on that one Eminem track.
 
2013-12-23 02:06:03 PM  
Eh...

Funny idea.  Mediocre execution.
 
2013-12-23 02:10:25 PM  
The real war is on Thanksgiving. Christmas in the retail stores begins in October, wipes out Halloween, and continues on through December. There is now a 12-hour break to celebrate Thanksgiving, from about 6 a.m. until the stores reopen on Thanksgiving night with their big sales.

War on Christmas? Christmas has nuked every other fall and winter holiday out of the calendar.
 
2013-12-23 02:35:49 PM  

Mugato: Would it be considered irony that everyone who cries about the war on Christmas, those who keep declaring the United States a Christian nation hold beliefs that are the polar opposite of what Christ supposedly stood for? No? Yeah, the concept of irony is a liberal book lernin concept.


I wonder how many Christmas warriors lead  the charge on Black Friday?
 
2013-12-23 02:37:31 PM  
Now I have that damn civil war music in my head.
 
2013-12-23 02:38:39 PM  
Poor Christianity. Stuck between the older and wiser world of Judaism and the newer, perfected faith of Islam. So hard to have it both ways.
 
2013-12-23 02:40:16 PM  
I just saw an ad for an after-Christmas sale that starts today.  Seriously.
 
2013-12-23 04:15:48 PM  
I just heard self-centered twatwaffles biatching about their kids getting treats from school.

Oh, and something about acceptance... but it's their acceptance that is right and what is being taught is wrong.
 
2013-12-23 04:20:48 PM  

AteMyBrain: Eh...

Funny idea.  Mediocre execution.


Yeah, I could see this working if someone other than Slate did it.

"New York City, December 17,
At dawn we made our move for the Grand Army of the Secularists. Our mission: to assassinate the Macy's Santa and replace him with a non-denominational, non-gendered mascot called The Winter Living Creature, designed not to offend anyone based on race, nationality, religion, gender, sex, self-identified gender, self-identified mental state, or self-identified species, a clear symbol that our dastardly PC secularism has triumphed. But the monkey like Christians had some-how struggled through their heavily inbred retardation and set up barricades around the store, and ambushed us as we approached. We formed a line and let fly with our mighty pepper spray, but the Christians AR-47s proved too effective a weapon, and we bate hasty retreat back to our camp at 44th."
Thus, the First Battle of Macy's had ended in a catastrophic defeat for the G.A.S. Better weapons would be requested, as the battle had shown the ineffective of pepper spray as an infantry weapon, but the command would be slow to issue weapons as, to quote Grand Womyn Jadee Ché Murphy-Holstoff: "Guns! No one needs that kind of fire-power! Guns kill people! If the enemy is firing at you, try to diffuse the conversation by inviting them to a poetry slam. Now, lets get out their and fight this War On Christmas. And remember, you all get trophies just for participating.

"December 19, Savanna.
The filthy pagans have attempted to invade our fair city. With hell fire in their commie eyes they tore down a plastic Santa and started tangling our Christmas lights! With cries of "Happy Holidays" they marched through the streets. The Holy Patriot Militia for Jebus struck, punching a McDonalds clerk in his commie face for saying happy holidays. Soon, we had begun our holy crusade for Christmas! We charged towards a Waffle House, guns a blazing and hoverrounds whirring. Most spectacular of all was the charge of the Heavy Brigade. They went at breakneck speeds, maybe up to 5 MPH, and took out the hated G.A.S position behind the Walgreens. Their kale and tofu fed bodies were unable to compete with our Twinkie and Manwich meat fed power, and they fled. We took the prisoners, and crucified them on telephone poles, just like Santa Claus, who was defiantly not a negro or china-man but an honest white man, died for your sins.
General O'reilly says we might take San Fransico by next year.
-Sergeant Cleavon Jr.
 
2013-12-23 04:39:26 PM  
The concept of giving toys to children offends me. Farkin' kids. If they want toys so damn bad, why don't they get jobs and BUY their toys? I'll tell you why...they're too lazy and self-entitled to lift themselves up by their booty-straps.
 
2013-12-23 06:28:13 PM  
Dear god bothering fark wits - the "war on Christmas" was fought and lost by you 50 years ago. Santa and rampant capitalism won.
 
2013-12-23 07:11:00 PM  
hisvorpal.files.wordpress.com

"Greta, my love for you is deathless.  If I should not return from the tearing down of the detested Festivus Pole and I perish at the hands of the paganists, know that my last thoughts will be of you, and of how I longed to feel your moist lantern jaws ranging purposefully across my inner thighs; damn, girl."
 
2013-12-23 07:33:10 PM  
Will Ken Burns make the soundtrack all dirge-y versions of bounce, happy Christmas songs?
 
2013-12-23 09:27:14 PM  
But it never said when the show would air. :p
 
2013-12-24 01:02:56 AM  
if someone is waging a war against Christmas, then they are an asshole.
 
2013-12-24 11:55:13 AM  

drxym: Dear god bothering fark wits - the "war on Christmas" was fought and lost by you 50 years ago. Santa and rampant capitalism won.


But, see...if they claim that they were on commercialism's side all along, then they WON.
 
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