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(The Epoch Times)   The profile of the California Megamillions jackpot winner as a "doll clothes collector" who vowed to use his newfound fortune to get Ted Cruz & his "amazing smirk" elected president...yeah, not so much   (theepochtimes.com) divider line 42
    More: Amusing, Ted Cruz, Mega Millions, Paul Horner, California, mess, clothing  
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10742 clicks; posted to Main » on 22 Dec 2013 at 8:26 PM (17 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



42 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2013-12-22 06:00:50 PM
So a news article stating that an article on a satire site was satire?  Slow news day, I guess.
 
2013-12-22 06:28:51 PM

NeoCortex42: So a news article stating that an article on a satire site was satire?  Slow news day, I guess.


I think the article is that people were originally reporting it as real, but I could be mistaken.
 
2013-12-22 06:35:32 PM
inyourfaceradio.net

Don't you just want to pinch his little cheeks!
 
2013-12-22 07:04:55 PM
Life is difficult for people who take everything at face value.
 
2013-12-22 07:59:09 PM

fusillade762: [inyourfaceradio.net image 190x265]

Don't you just want to pinch his little cheeks!


I want to give him noogies!
 
2013-12-22 08:17:23 PM

fusillade762: [inyourfaceradio.net image 190x265]

Don't you just want to pinch his little cheeks!


He has a textbook backpfeifengesicht.
 
2013-12-22 08:20:53 PM

shanrick: fusillade762: [inyourfaceradio.net image 190x265]

Don't you just want to pinch his little cheeks!

I want to give him noogies!


I would like to put doll clothes on him then spank him.

/then stick him in a dumpster.
 
2013-12-22 08:31:42 PM
If I were the real winner, I'd be happy as hell that this guy did that.  Gives a bit of a smokescreen for the real winner, when he comes forward.
 
2013-12-22 08:38:22 PM
i sent the national report story and a real article about the GA winner to some folks at work. we'll see how that plays out :)
 
2013-12-22 08:41:04 PM

fusillade762: [inyourfaceradio.net image 190x265]

Don't you just want to pinch his little cheeks!


Oh yeah....with an industrial metal crimper.
 
2013-12-22 08:41:24 PM

fusillade762: [inyourfaceradio.net image 190x265]

Don't you just want to pinch his little cheeks!


With a couple large pairs of vice grips.

/ I'd call him a douchenozzle, but I don't want to give the impression I think he's useful.
 
2013-12-22 08:41:53 PM
You could tell it was fake the moment it said a person supported Ted Cruz
 
2013-12-22 08:45:33 PM
The real winner should say he's going to buy some politicians, open a couple of whorehouses in Nevada and open a straight only version of Disneyland.  Nobody will believe him either
 
2013-12-22 08:46:32 PM
3.bp.blogspot.com
 
2013-12-22 08:54:00 PM
The Onion Syndrome
 
2013-12-22 08:56:17 PM

fusillade762: [inyourfaceradio.net image 190x265]

Don't you just want to pinch his little cheeks!


uh, no.
 
2013-12-22 08:58:05 PM
This man is my idoll. His penchant for dolly duds may seem like an adollescent fantasy, but now that he has won millions of dollars, who is laughing now? Besides the dollphins. Those damn things are always laughing. But I'll show them. I'll show them right in their laughhole.
 
2013-12-22 09:00:31 PM
An obsession with collecting children's clothes was the claim to fame of one of the creepy suspects/characters in the movie I saw a few months back, "Prisoners."
 
2013-12-22 09:00:59 PM
I have no problem believing that Ted Cruz is a doll clothes collector.
 
2013-12-22 09:01:26 PM

NeoCortex42: So a news article stating that an article on a satire site was satire?  Slow news day, I guess.


Yeah, I don't see where they say what news outlets ran with the story.
 
2013-12-22 09:07:11 PM
So this is a shiattier imitation of the already shiatty The Daily Currant?

Noted.
 
2013-12-22 09:11:56 PM

Some Coke Drinking Guy: If I were the real winner, I'd be happy as hell that this guy did that.  Gives a bit of a smokescreen for the real winner, when he comes forward.


www.brianrxm.com
 
2013-12-22 09:12:23 PM

shanrick: fusillade762: [inyourfaceradio.net image 190x265]

Don't you just want to pinch his little cheeks!

I want to give him noogies!


I read that as "moogles"

/too lazy to find a pic
//kupo
 
2013-12-22 09:15:24 PM

Apos: So this is a shiattier imitation of the already shiatty The Daily Currant?

Noted.


Hey,the Daily Currant seems to suck in the Okie Fundies on my Facebook on a pretty regular basis.

/Not that that is a challenge
//Okie Fundies are a "special" breed of fundies
 
2013-12-22 09:24:03 PM
I cannot imagine sitting on a ticket worth 100s of millions of $$$ for days and days. I would be camped out in front of whatever office you claim your winnings at that very night waiting for them to open first thing in the morning. I know there's some shiat to work out regarding taxes and finances, but that's a couple of cell phone calls to my tax accountant and my financial adviser while I'm en route to the lottery office. If you lose the ticket, that's it. You lose. If it gets stolen, you lose. If it gets destroyed, you lose. I would sit there and stare at it unblinking until I handed it over to the lottery officials.

/I'm pretty clumsy and absent minded, though
 
2013-12-22 09:30:51 PM

shower_in_my_socks: I cannot imagine sitting on a ticket worth 100s of millions of $$$ for days and days. I would be camped out in front of whatever office you claim your winnings at that very night waiting for them to open first thing in the morning. I know there's some shiat to work out regarding taxes and finances, but that's a couple of cell phone calls to my tax accountant and my financial adviser while I'm en route to the lottery office. If you lose the ticket, that's it. You lose. If it gets stolen, you lose. If it gets destroyed, you lose. I would sit there and stare at it unblinking until I handed it over to the lottery officials.

/I'm pretty clumsy and absent minded, though


I would sit on it while I talked to a lawyer and accountant to get a plan on what to do with the money BEFORE I collected it. 

/Revise will, set up trust funds for kids, etc.
//Probably keep ticket with lawyer or in a safe deposit box till I'm ready to collect.
 
2013-12-22 09:32:19 PM

Smeggy Smurf: The real winner should say he's going to buy some politicians, open a couple of whorehouses in Nevada and open a straight only version of Disneyland.  Nobody will believe him either


The real winner should say that he prefers vagina to anus and is going to spend his money on politicians who agree with that.
 
2013-12-22 09:34:23 PM

stilted: shower_in_my_socks: I cannot imagine sitting on a ticket worth 100s of millions of $$$ for days and days. I would be camped out in front of whatever office you claim your winnings at that very night waiting for them to open first thing in the morning. I know there's some shiat to work out regarding taxes and finances, but that's a couple of cell phone calls to my tax accountant and my financial adviser while I'm en route to the lottery office. If you lose the ticket, that's it. You lose. If it gets stolen, you lose. If it gets destroyed, you lose. I would sit there and stare at it unblinking until I handed it over to the lottery officials.

/I'm pretty clumsy and absent minded, though

I would sit on it while I talked to a lawyer and accountant to get a plan on what to do with the money BEFORE I collected it. 

/Revise will, set up trust funds for kids, etc.
//Probably keep ticket with lawyer or in a safe deposit box till I'm ready to collect.


True, true, but I couldn't let it out of my sight. And most or all of the legal stuff could be done in a day. Just call an estate planning attorney and offer him 10x his usual rate if he can get the paperwork finished in the next two hours.
 
2013-12-22 09:38:00 PM

shower_in_my_socks: stilted: shower_in_my_socks: I cannot imagine sitting on a ticket worth 100s of millions of $$$ for days and days. I would be camped out in front of whatever office you claim your winnings at that very night waiting for them to open first thing in the morning. I know there's some shiat to work out regarding taxes and finances, but that's a couple of cell phone calls to my tax accountant and my financial adviser while I'm en route to the lottery office. If you lose the ticket, that's it. You lose. If it gets stolen, you lose. If it gets destroyed, you lose. I would sit there and stare at it unblinking until I handed it over to the lottery officials.

/I'm pretty clumsy and absent minded, though

I would sit on it while I talked to a lawyer and accountant to get a plan on what to do with the money BEFORE I collected it. 

/Revise will, set up trust funds for kids, etc.
//Probably keep ticket with lawyer or in a safe deposit box till I'm ready to collect.

True, true, but I couldn't let it out of my sight. And most or all of the legal stuff could be done in a day. Just call an estate planning attorney and offer him 10x his usual rate if he can get the paperwork finished in the next two hours.


If the ticket was worth that much money, I'd take the time to try and set up a trust so that I could claim anonymously.  As much as I'd love to collect the winnings immediately and not worry about the ticket, not being hounded by every family member and con artist out there for years afterward would be even more desirable.
 
2013-12-22 09:38:44 PM

stilted: shower_in_my_socks: I cannot imagine sitting on a ticket worth 100s of millions of $$$ for days and days. I would be camped out in front of whatever office you claim your winnings at that very night waiting for them to open first thing in the morning. I know there's some shiat to work out regarding taxes and finances, but that's a couple of cell phone calls to my tax accountant and my financial adviser while I'm en route to the lottery office. If you lose the ticket, that's it. You lose. If it gets stolen, you lose. If it gets destroyed, you lose. I would sit there and stare at it unblinking until I handed it over to the lottery officials.

/I'm pretty clumsy and absent minded, though

I would sit on it while I talked to a lawyer and accountant to get a plan on what to do with the money BEFORE I collected it. 

/Revise will, set up trust funds for kids, etc.
//Probably keep ticket with lawyer or in a safe deposit box till I'm ready to collect.


Do blackjack and hookers really require that much planning?
 
2013-12-22 09:43:18 PM

NeoCortex42: If the ticket was worth that much money, I'd take the time to try and set up a trust so that I could claim anonymously.  As much as I'd love to collect the winnings immediately and not worry about the ticket, not being hounded by every family member and con artist out there for years afterward would be even more desirable.


Yeah, that's true. I wonder if there's an insurance policy that you can buy should the ticket get lost. I get putting it into a safe deposit box until you get things sorted out.
 
2013-12-22 09:47:41 PM

shower_in_my_socks: NeoCortex42: If the ticket was worth that much money, I'd take the time to try and set up a trust so that I could claim anonymously.  As much as I'd love to collect the winnings immediately and not worry about the ticket, not being hounded by every family member and con artist out there for years afterward would be even more desirable.

Yeah, that's true. I wonder if there's an insurance policy that you can buy should the ticket get lost. I get putting it into a safe deposit box until you get things sorted out.


If you wanted to insure it for the jackpot value, you'd probably have to get it certified as genuine first.  The only way to do that would be to turn it in to the lottery office as part of claiming the prize.
 
2013-12-22 10:26:51 PM

shower_in_my_socks: Smeggy Smurf: The real winner should say he's going to buy some politicians, open a couple of whorehouses in Nevada and open a straight only version of Disneyland.  Nobody will believe him either

The real winner should say that he prefers vagina to anus and is going to spend his money on politicians who agree with that.


That's not screwed up enough.  He should say he's a baaaaaaaaad man in the sack
 
2013-12-22 11:05:43 PM
Craiglists Nazi doll gay guy?
 
2013-12-22 11:10:35 PM

NeoCortex42: shower_in_my_socks: stilted: shower_in_my_socks: I cannot imagine sitting on a ticket worth 100s of millions of $$$ for days and days. I would be camped out in front of whatever office you claim your winnings at that very night waiting for them to open first thing in the morning. I know there's some shiat to work out regarding taxes and finances, but that's a couple of cell phone calls to my tax accountant and my financial adviser while I'm en route to the lottery office. If you lose the ticket, that's it. You lose. If it gets stolen, you lose. If it gets destroyed, you lose. I would sit there and stare at it unblinking until I handed it over to the lottery officials.

/I'm pretty clumsy and absent minded, though

I would sit on it while I talked to a lawyer and accountant to get a plan on what to do with the money BEFORE I collected it.

/Revise will, set up trust funds for kids, etc.
//Probably keep ticket with lawyer or in a safe deposit box till I'm ready to collect.

True, true, but I couldn't let it out of my sight. And most or all of the legal stuff could be done in a day. Just call an estate planning attorney and offer him 10x his usual rate if he can get the paperwork finished in the next two hours.

If the ticket was worth that much money, I'd take the time to try and set up a trust so that I could claim anonymously.  As much as I'd love to collect the winnings immediately and not worry about the ticket, not being hounded by every family member and con artist out there for years afterward would be even more desirable.


That's not a bad idea.  If I had the ticket, my first instinct would be to call a trusted financial adviser and inquire about long-term investments that pay out slowly and can't be withdrawn early, thus making it impossible for someone to guilt me or con me into spending it all on them.

Assuming the ticket hasn't been lost or something like that, lying low is actually a pretty smart move.
 
2013-12-22 11:41:25 PM
I read a couple of other articles on the Nation Report website since I'm easily amused (and they are pretty creative IM).  Then I noticed they use the name Paul Horner over and over.  So if you ever see a dubious story where that name shows up, it might be a clue...

Here's a couple others where he's "the guy" in the story.

http://nationalreport.net/tag/paul-horner/
 
2013-12-23 12:54:31 AM
If I hit a big jackpot, it might be fun to troll the media.  Ideas:
1. Whenever a reporter calls, promise to meet them somewhere and give them an "Exclusive." Then when they show up for the interview hand them a Chris Brown CD.  (Google it.)
2. Call a press conference and say "First of all, I promise to take ALL your questions.  But to avoid being asked the same question multiple times, I'm going to pass around this clipboard and get you to write your questions down and note your name and media outlet.  Leave a couple of inches between questions so that if someone sees his question has already been asked, he can just add his name and media outlet to the list.  When you're done, pass the clipboard up to the front."  Then let them spend half an hour writing stuff down. When clipboard comes back up, I'd say "well, I promised to take all your questions" and then leave (taking all their questions with me).
3. When they call, admit being the person they're looking for but pretend I didn't win anything.  Then give them the number of someone with a similar name and say he's the person they want and I'm tired of getting calls for him.  And then do the same thing when I pull into my driveway in a brand new Ferrari.
 
2013-12-23 01:57:38 AM

NeoCortex42: Some Coke Drinking Guy: If I were the real winner, I'd be happy as hell that this guy did that.  Gives a bit of a smokescreen for the real winner, when he comes forward.

[www.brianrxm.com image 720x540]


Interesting fact: the picture they used for the false winner in Willy Wonka was Martin Bormann, Hitler's personal secretary. Therefore this thread, and Willy Wonka, has been Godwined.


/Merry Christmas
 
2013-12-23 02:19:07 AM
If I won a big lottery ....

*fuzzy fadeout*

How much would it cost to build and operate an abortion clinic?

Cuz I would find a few acres of rural land in a pitiful little red state, acres that are NOT subject to zoning regulations due to fear of "big gubbermint tellin' me what I cain't do with my propitty," slap a fence around it and build something that would actually be useful.
 
2013-12-23 04:32:00 AM
National Report is my new least favorite site, narrowly beating out the Daily Fail (now that I can automatically close out of any Fark links to it). It's not as witty as the Onion, trying far too hard to push various outrage buttons with every story, and it shows up constantly in all kinds of formerly clean places suddenly. Like Fark's manufactured trolls....
 
2013-12-23 04:33:43 AM

Huck And Molly Ziegler: If I won a big lottery ....

*fuzzy fadeout*

How much would it cost to build and operate an abortion clinic?

Cuz I would find a few acres of rural land in a pitiful little red state, acres that are NOT subject to zoning regulations due to fear of "big gubbermint tellin' me what I cain't do with my propitty," slap a fence around it and build something that would actually be useful.


With one of these big lotto wins? You could build a whole network of abortion clinics! Or one giant  Abortionplex.
I
would try to make this dream come true:  http://www.theonion.com/articles/planned-parenthood-opens-8-billion-a b ortionplex,20476/
 
2013-12-23 10:18:09 AM

mamoru: fusillade762: [inyourfaceradio.net image 190x265]

Don't you just want to pinch his little cheeks!

He has a textbook backpfeifengesicht.


I am amazed by this word. It would be great if it could sink in for immediate recall when needed, but I feel better just knowing it now.
 
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