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(Fark)   Fark's 2013 Headline of the Year contest: Puns and Wordplay headlines   ( ) divider line
    More: HOTY, wordplay, Contests  
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4320 clicks; posted to Main » on 20 Dec 2013 at 3:57 PM (2 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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2013-12-20 01:30:34 PM  
Nearly all Fark headlines have some element of wordplay, many also use puns, but sometimes a submitter really goes for it. These are those headlines. Warning: if you don't like puns, this thread may cause your head to explode.

People have asked about voting for the other threads. Voting on the mainpage and tab headlines is open until tonight at midnight EST. Voting for yesterday's context contests and this contest will be open through Sunday midnight EST.
2013-12-20 01:30:50 PM  
Scientists come upon Down off switch
2013-12-20 01:31:05 PM  
Woman will have toupee after she wigs out and yanks off a friend's artificial hair. Florida has weaved yet another sordid story
2013-12-20 01:31:20 PM  
Man calls police to report some rat stole his hamster. Detectives hope to ferret out some answers from the usual weasels. Richard Gere
2013-12-20 01:31:36 PM  
Police officer injured after being stabbed with a screwdriver. The suspect was quickly nailed, and the judge will undoubtedly drop the hammer on him, though it's unclear if anyone saw what happened
2013-12-20 01:31:51 PM  
Why do puns, even from such brilliant minds as Cicero, Quintilian, Shakespeare, Groucho Marx, Victor Borge, William Safire and Rodney Dangerfield, get no respect -- no respect, et al?
2013-12-20 01:32:08 PM  
Irish man who lost his nose to cancer will grow a new one on his arm. Doctors assure it will be quicker than just going to the olfactory
2013-12-20 01:33:11 PM  
The Lord works in listerious wheys
2013-12-20 01:33:26 PM  
Acute algebra teacher in trouble for show a student her box and whisker plot
2013-12-20 01:34:13 PM  
Tampon thief asks cops to go with the flow. Cops say she's trying to string them along
2013-12-20 01:34:28 PM  
Pygmy pachyderms passing, possibly pesticide poisoning. Pending proof, palm product plantation probable
2013-12-20 01:34:42 PM  
SEC plays ketchup on trades made before the Heinz takeover. They will work quickly before getting all mustard out. I relish these moments
2013-12-20 01:38:10 PM  
Prosthetic hands stolen from car, victim unable to come to grips with loss
2013-12-20 01:38:25 PM  
Counterfeit Cardinal crashes conclave. Cathedral cops capture conman cleric, confiscate costume, commence collared custody
2013-12-20 01:38:42 PM  
Massive Lego spill shuts down West Virginia highway. Whoa, that's just a few blocks down the road
2013-12-20 01:39:00 PM  
Glazed over DUI suspect, 51, caught doing donuts in a damaged Jeep that was missing a tire found herself in a hole
2013-12-20 01:39:16 PM  
Man tries to kill woman by putting poison in her shoes - thereby becoming her arch nemesis
2013-12-20 01:39:32 PM  
Eighty-year-old woman dies after falling down garbage chute; coroner to perform a compost-mortem
2013-12-20 01:39:48 PM  
Suspect gets grilled after a charcoal path leads police to a stolen barbecue. What an ashhole
2013-12-20 01:40:06 PM  
Drunk man tossed from hotel, accused of stealing shuttle. Only an Enterprising Challenger would take on such an Endeavor
2013-12-20 01:40:20 PM  
Man accused of taking Rogaine from a pharmacy shelf with no intention toupee
2013-12-20 01:40:34 PM  
Holy mackerel, some bottom feeder was arrested hook, line, and sinker for stealing her grandfather's fishing poles. I don't mean to keep carping, but this sea hag really has no sole
2013-12-20 01:40:49 PM  
Barber dies after getting into fist fight with coworker over pair of broken clippers. Cops suspect cause of death to be fail pattern brawlness
2013-12-20 01:41:07 PM  
In an effort not to offend their Muslim hosts in Bali, Miss World pageant bans bikinis. Two sarongs don't make it right
2013-12-20 01:41:27 PM  
Woman, 45, drinks two liters of blood a month from willing donors. No, that's not a type O
2013-12-20 01:41:41 PM  
There once was a maid from Hong Kong, did her mistress a horrible wrong. Like in the old joke, but instead of a Coke, She put wang in the tea of her Wong
2013-12-20 01:41:56 PM  
Previously unknown swastika forest found in Germany. Seed Heil
2013-12-20 01:42:12 PM  
Woman delivers baby after being struck by lightning, remains positive throughout ordeal
2013-12-20 01:43:20 PM  
Student is blue about her cheese phobia, camember what caused it. That's not gouda
2013-12-20 01:43:35 PM  
Man accused of killing his cellmate with toilet paper. He sounds like a charmin individual
2013-12-20 01:43:52 PM  
Cops forced to lay down the law after thief ruffles a few feathers by stealing a bag of potato chips. No word when he'll be frito go, but let this be a lesson to all that cheetos never win
2013-12-20 01:44:10 PM  
Bull Bear burglar beats brig bars, breaks building. Bobby's bag bid brings bad brake, bangs badge buggy. Bad Bull Bear busted by backyard
2013-12-20 01:44:50 PM  
Palestinian prisoner shows spunk, smuggles sperm out of prison to impregnate wife. Israeli authorities wonder who else had a hand in it
2013-12-20 01:45:05 PM  
GM cuts the price of the Chevy Volt by 13%. Company admits that the higher price tag was just getting too much resistance
2013-12-20 01:45:21 PM  
Indian man arrested for 'suspicious tea-drinking.' Judge makes brisk work of charges. Says police took a steep path, not to hold him oolong
2013-12-20 01:45:41 PM  
Ordered pair of morons in Utah coordinate a scheme to intercept $15K worth of graphing calculators, creating a negative slope toward Pound-Me-In-The-Asymptote prison, where their concavities will become other prisoners' domain
2013-12-20 01:46:07 PM  
Woman injured when she tried to be swift in rescuing birds from aviary, may have egrets and grouse, bittern after hearing shrikes from the 18 consumed by the flicker of flames. Let osprey
2013-12-20 01:46:18 PM  
TB or not TB, that is the congestion
2013-12-20 01:46:48 PM  
"What's it like to be a mathematician?" Presumably, it's a derivative existence full of pluses and minuses
2013-12-20 01:48:31 PM  
Search for Amelia Earhart to resume on remote Pacific Island. Others, however don't think it's worth looking for her atoll
2013-12-20 01:48:47 PM  
Dick who supervised the soldiers that had the balls to make the urination video has finally pissed off the wrong people is to be discharged. Serves the prick right to get a flogging like that
2013-12-20 01:50:07 PM  
Violin played by Titanic bandmaster as the ship sank goes up for auction. Nearer my cod to thee
2013-12-20 01:50:21 PM  
"Sandwich Teacher Wins State's Top Education Honor." Why? She never needed a sub. She had no condiment but mayo issue a meaty statement with relish later; she doesn't want to be a ham
2013-12-20 01:50:37 PM  
Community divided over death of math teacher. Outrage multiplies as details add up
2013-12-20 01:51:01 PM  
Thieves fleece town of Wool of 160 sheep. They were really baaaaad. This is not just some yarn subby just spun for a greenlight
2013-12-20 01:51:20 PM  
Mushroom Council promotes mushrooms by showing their health benefits, their nutritional value, their cleanliness and high morel standing
2013-12-20 01:51:37 PM  
Ron Jeremy hospitalized and it sounds like he's in pretty deep. Doctor Kandi Cummings quoted as saying "it's a hard case but I'm on top of it and banging out a solution. If anyone can pull out of it and come from behind to beat this thing it's him"
2013-12-20 01:51:51 PM  
♫ Oh Johnny was a doctor, a doctor he is no more...for what he thought was HC2H3O2 was H2S04 ♫
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