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(International Business Times)   Santa Claus is a fat, elf-abusing, wormhole-using tyrant. Merry Farking Christmas   (ibtimes.com) divider line 47
    More: Stupid, Father Christmas, Santa Claus, St. Nicholas, Bad Things, Population Reference Bureau, fact checking, unfair labor practice, Pillsbury  
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2026 clicks; posted to Main » on 20 Dec 2013 at 3:12 PM (40 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



47 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2013-12-20 02:03:21 PM

i586.photobucket.com

 
2013-12-20 02:12:06 PM
Duh, Santa is the bad guy. He rewards bad children so he can make money off the toy stocks he owns. Krampus is the real hero. He punishes bad children so they can become good.

static3.wikia.nocookie.net
 
2013-12-20 02:17:27 PM
Author comes across like this guy:
content8.flixster.com
 
2013-12-20 02:29:46 PM
I first read that headline as "self-abusing" which is equally horrifying to think about.
 
2013-12-20 02:35:03 PM
I'm ready for that Fat Bastard this year.

www.colourbox.com

Asshole will think twice about not giving me the bike I wanted.
 
2013-12-20 02:42:41 PM
And?
 
2013-12-20 02:43:06 PM
Who's scruffy looking?
 
2013-12-20 02:54:17 PM
I have proof that Santa is a bastard!
 
2013-12-20 03:13:20 PM
Merlin taught him the secret of the 5th dimension.
 
2013-12-20 03:14:39 PM
I see we've reached the "postulating what fake things would be like if they were real, so I don't have to spend time on research" phase of the holidays.
 
2013-12-20 03:15:41 PM
Santa Claus is a fat, elf-abusing, wormhole-using tyrant.

But don't worry kids, he's white.
 
2013-12-20 03:16:14 PM
No, no, the elves WANT to slave countless hours in Santa's toy mines.

www.hp-lexicon.org
 
2013-12-20 03:17:30 PM
At least he doesn't star in porn.
 
2013-12-20 03:18:20 PM

lockers: At least he doesn't star in porn.


I have some bad news for you.
 
2013-12-20 03:18:53 PM
www.clownlink.com
 
2013-12-20 03:19:54 PM
If Santa comes down my chimney he will be compacted in the basement.
 
2013-12-20 03:20:51 PM

Lando Lincoln: lockers: At least he doesn't star in porn.

I have some bad news for you.


Oh God Damnit

Even Mrs Clause is in on it
 
2013-12-20 03:21:20 PM
31.media.tumblr.com
 
2013-12-20 03:23:09 PM
Follow Angry Santa Elf on Twitter. He'll give you the lowdown.
 
2013-12-20 03:23:59 PM
He sees you when you're sleeping; he knows when you're awake; his informants are everywhere.

I, for one, welcome our new, portly, elf job creating, wormhole using overlord!
 
2013-12-20 03:25:26 PM
Do elves deserve a living wage?
 
2013-12-20 03:26:05 PM
He also shoves Christmas trees up the asses of angels...

http://i456.photobucket.com/albums/qq286/xzarch/AngelTreeStory.png~o ri ginal
 
2013-12-20 03:26:29 PM
But we still love him? Is there a follow up joke? Egads, the night is empty.
 
2013-12-20 03:31:52 PM
I will be with Allah soon...

s3.vidimg.popscreen.com
 
2013-12-20 03:31:55 PM
pbs.twimg.com
l
 
2013-12-20 03:34:43 PM
ts4.mm.bing.net1.bp.blogspot.comwww.chud.com

The article's authors
 
2013-12-20 03:37:53 PM
Look here's the real truth.
I know this to be fact but I can't tell you *how* I know it.

Jesus Christ married Mary Magdalene and fathered a child with her. The child showed, from birth, miraculous powers and capabilities that only Jesus possessed in  later life. Santa is actually the immortal child of Jesus and Mary. That is why he has special powers and actually was more powerful than Jesus. Jesus dies to pass on the throne to Santa and to cover his tracks, like a suicide-to-create-a cover-story-religion. You know who actually protected this child of Jesus... Or as others referred to him, the "Holy Grail". That's right, the Knights Templar. LOOK it's right there in front of you. Knights Templar cross (croix pattee ) is red on a white background. Santa's suit is red with white fur trim. The ark of the covenant was actually a mobile STROLLER.... not carrying the bits of the ten commandants tablets but carrying the Baby Santa until he matured enough and was able to fend for himself and set up his home at the North Pole.

IT'S SO OBVIOUS.

That's why Jesus and Santa are both White and that's where the ties to ancient cultures and deities that predate our modern history stem from and then that all ties back to the Atlanteans and their ties to the aliens that have been visiting and monitoring us since we climbed out of the primordial ooze. (With their help of course)
Flying Reindeer? Shiat, Forced Genetic Mutations that have nano technology implanted. Elves? Sheeet. Again, miniature bionic, robotic, nanocelular lifeforms created just to be able to support the industry. I mean, who else can work 24/7 364 days a year without food or water or other necessities??
What are they going to eat at the farking North Pole? SNOW?!?!? What are they, mini farking Bear Grylls?? Drink their own PEE to sustain themselves?!?!??

Now that's just weird.
 
2013-12-20 03:38:26 PM
Hell, Hell, Hell, it's Satan's Claws!
 
2013-12-20 03:45:38 PM
Elves aren't human. Maybe they really like making toys and electronics identical to the ones made by major manufacturers the rest of the year. Maybe crass commercialism really gets them off.
 
2013-12-20 03:50:31 PM
While Rudolph was being bullied he stood by and did nothing. NOTHING!
 
2013-12-20 03:51:55 PM
I was under the impression that Santa was a Time Lord... his TARDIS Chamaleon Circuit got stock in the sleight shape...
 
2013-12-20 03:52:12 PM
I remember when the holidays used to be a time where people were more kind, generous, and practiced tolerance.  Now it seems it's all about calling people coonts for saying the word 'Holiday' instead of 'Christmas' and vice versa.
 
2013-12-20 03:56:17 PM
25.media.tumblr.com
 
2013-12-20 03:56:20 PM
community.us.playstation.com

Your Mistletoe is no match for my TOW missile!
 
2013-12-20 03:57:32 PM

Metaluna Mutant: Your Mistletoe is no match for my TOW missile!


That isn't a TOW missile.

/hmmph!
 
2013-12-20 03:57:37 PM
media0.giphy.com
 
2013-12-20 04:01:49 PM

Ghastly: [25.media.tumblr.com image 500x433]


Wouldn't it be Aunt Ghastly?
 
2013-12-20 04:04:38 PM

ChipNASA: Look here's the real truth.
I know this to be fact but I can't tell you *how* I know it.

Jesus Christ married Mary Magdalene and fathered a child with her. The child showed, from birth, miraculous powers and capabilities that only Jesus possessed in  later life. Santa is actually the immortal child of Jesus and Mary. That is why he has special powers and actually was more powerful than Jesus. Jesus dies to pass on the throne to Santa and to cover his tracks, like a suicide-to-create-a cover-story-religion. You know who actually protected this child of Jesus... Or as others referred to him, the "Holy Grail". That's right, the Knights Templar. LOOK it's right there in front of you. Knights Templar cross (croix pattee ) is red on a white background. Santa's suit is red with white fur trim. The ark of the covenant was actually a mobile STROLLER.... not carrying the bits of the ten commandants tablets but carrying the Baby Santa until he matured enough and was able to fend for himself and set up his home at the North Pole.

IT'S SO OBVIOUS.

That's why Jesus and Santa are both White and that's where the ties to ancient cultures and deities that predate our modern history stem from and then that all ties back to the Atlanteans and their ties to the aliens that have been visiting and monitoring us since we climbed out of the primordial ooze. (With their help of course)
Flying Reindeer? Shiat, Forced Genetic Mutations that have nano technology implanted. Elves? Sheeet. Again, miniature bionic, robotic, nanocelular lifeforms created just to be able to support the industry. I mean, who else can work 24/7 364 days a year without food or water or other necessities??
What are they going to eat at the farking North Pole? SNOW?!?!? What are they, mini farking Bear Grylls?? Drink their own PEE to sustain themselves?!?!??

Now that's just weird.


TIL: Dan Brown is a farker.
 
2013-12-20 04:12:11 PM
i1168.photobucket.com

Lobo Christmas Special.  That is all.
 
2013-12-20 04:37:06 PM
FINALLY someone posts the lobo christmas special
just wait until easter......
 
2013-12-20 04:56:15 PM
Can' believe santasm has't been posted.

I'm on tablet and babysitting so I can't link.

Get off you farking butt and google or search YouTube.

Yes it's old and NSFW!
 
2013-12-20 05:36:25 PM

fireclown: Metaluna Mutant: Your Mistletoe is no match for my TOW missile!

That isn't a TOW missile.

/hmmph!


LOL Sorry could find the right pic.

My fave line:
Fry: Please let us live! We'll put out milk and cookies for you!
Santa: You  dare bribe Santa? I'm going to shove coal so far up your stocking you'll be coughing up diamonds!
 
2013-12-20 05:54:06 PM
Elf abuse gives you pointy ears and hair on your palms.
 
2013-12-20 06:17:07 PM
Those elves had it coming.  They got what they deserved.
 
2013-12-20 06:31:28 PM

ChipNASA: Look here's the real truth.
I know this to be fact but I can't tell you *how* I know it.

Jesus Christ married Mary Magdalene and fathered a child with her. The child showed, from birth, miraculous powers and capabilities that only Jesus possessed in  later life. Santa is actually the immortal child of Jesus and Mary. That is why he has special powers and actually was more powerful than Jesus. Jesus dies to pass on the throne to Santa and to cover his tracks, like a suicide-to-create-a cover-story-religion. You know who actually protected this child of Jesus... Or as others referred to him, the "Holy Grail". That's right, the Knights Templar. LOOK it's right there in front of you. Knights Templar cross (croix pattee ) is red on a white background. Santa's suit is red with white fur trim. The ark of the covenant was actually a mobile STROLLER.... not carrying the bits of the ten commandants tablets but carrying the Baby Santa until he matured enough and was able to fend for himself and set up his home at the North Pole.

IT'S SO OBVIOUS.

That's why Jesus and Santa are both White and that's where the ties to ancient cultures and deities that predate our modern history stem from and then that all ties back to the Atlanteans and their ties to the aliens that have been visiting and monitoring us since we climbed out of the primordial ooze. (With their help of course)
Flying Reindeer? Shiat, Forced Genetic Mutations that have nano technology implanted. Elves? Sheeet. Again, miniature bionic, robotic, nanocelular lifeforms created just to be able to support the industry. I mean, who else can work 24/7 364 days a year without food or water or other necessities??
What are they going to eat at the farking North Pole? SNOW?!?!? What are they, mini farking Bear Grylls?? Drink their own PEE to sustain themselves?!?!??

Now that's just weird.


Umm... Not quite

http://imdb.com/title/tt0393685/
 
2013-12-20 07:27:55 PM
www.aaanything.net
 
2013-12-21 04:21:13 PM
cdn.ebaumsworld.com
 
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