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(Mother Jones)   What would happen if our military had an actual real "War on Christmas"?   (motherjones.com) divider line 46
    More: Interesting, Gulf of Alaska, carrier group, Andrew Exum, Barrow, ray guns, Army Rangers, means of production, North Pole  
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4074 clicks; posted to Main » on 18 Dec 2013 at 12:43 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-12-18 12:03:08 PM  
We don't have to go to war with Santa Claus.   NORAD tracks his every move through DSP and SBIS infrared satellites, and I'm sure the NSA is listening to all of his communications.

We've got him under surveillance so tight, that we can just watch him and counter his moves effectively if he tries to pull some sith.  We don't need to destroy him, because we've got him *CONTAINED*.  That fortress that is the North Pole is also effectively a prison.
 
2013-12-18 12:09:08 PM  
Well, we have lost about every other war(or police action) since 1945.
 
2013-12-18 12:17:49 PM  
i219.photobucket.com
 
2013-12-18 12:39:59 PM  
I don't know exactly, but I'm positive the Heat Miser and Snow Miser would rise to power and profit in the vacuum left by the toppling of the Santa Regime.

photos1.blogger.com
img.fark.net
 
2013-12-18 12:45:51 PM  
We'd spend a lot of money and see little in the results.

/but some of the legislator's country club buddies would get some sweet government contracts.
 
2013-12-18 12:47:27 PM  

Bareefer Obonghit: I don't know exactly, but I'm positive the Heat Miser and Snow Miser would rise to power and profit in the vacuum left by the toppling of the Santa Regime.

[photos1.blogger.com image 400x237]
[img.fark.net image 401x271]


Yeah, but we'll be paid back in presents. The reindeer will treat us like liberators.
 
2013-12-18 12:47:42 PM  

dittybopper


That fortress that is the North Pole is also effectively a prison.


It's a prison that he conveniently escapes at will EVERY SINGLE YEAR.

The best approach is interrupt his supply lines: he's not making toys out of snow and reindeer droppings.


At least I hope he isn't.
 
2013-12-18 12:48:19 PM  
Thanks for the smile, Subby! :)
 
2013-12-18 12:51:50 PM  
Wade into the elves. Spill THEIR hot cocoa. Give THEM a pink belly. When you put your hand into a bunch Goo Goo pies that a moment before was your best friend's present, you'll know what to do.

Now, there's one thing that you men will be able to say when you get back home. And you may thank God for it. Thirty years from now when you're sitting around your fireside with your grandson on your knee, and he asks you: "What did you do in the great War on Christmas?" You won't have to say, "Well, I shoveled marked-down crap part-time at Target."
 
2013-12-18 12:51:58 PM  
I was with the Third Satanist Second Division - the fighting humanist - during the first war on Christmas.  I can still see the scorched fir trees and smell burning wrapping paper when I try to sleep.  I know most didn't see much action but I was in the middle of it so close I could hear the hymns the pro-Christmas forces would sing before starting another suicide attack.  Take it from a vet, we don't need another war let them celibrate their way and we can do our thing.
 
GBB
2013-12-18 12:52:23 PM  
www.leemajors.us
Psychos seize Santa's Workshop.
Only Lee Majors can stop them.
 
2013-12-18 12:52:54 PM  
The only front I care about is how corporations try to keep pushing Christmas songs closer and closer through the DMZ that is after Halloween and before Thanksgiving.

WHERE WERE YOU BASTARDS THEN?
 
2013-12-18 12:53:02 PM  
1.bp.blogspot.com
 
2013-12-18 12:53:52 PM  
Christmas barely beat the Roundheads, and then only with Dickens reinforcement.
 
2013-12-18 12:54:01 PM  

Englebert Slaptyback: dittybopper

That fortress that is the North Pole is also effectively a prison.


It's a prison that he conveniently escapes at will EVERY SINGLE YEAR.


And every time he does, we know precisely where he is at all times, and we have ever since MIDAS was put into orbit to track Soviet ICBMs.  Santa *KNOWS* this, of course, and that keeps him on the straight and narrow.
 
2013-12-18 12:55:02 PM  

Cheron: Take it from a vet, we don't need another war let them celibrate their way and we can do our thing.


Is that like partying but without the drunken sex afterwards?
 
2013-12-18 12:59:57 PM  
Cue the picture of Cpl Hicks.
 
2013-12-18 01:00:21 PM  
Don't forget who's got Santa's back if it comes to hostilities:

smhttp.14409.nexcesscdn.net
 
2013-12-18 01:03:59 PM  
 
2013-12-18 01:05:38 PM  
Santa has experience.
img.fark.net
 
2013-12-18 01:06:05 PM  

Snarcoleptic_Hoosier: Bareefer Obonghit: I don't know exactly, but I'm positive the Heat Miser and Snow Miser would rise to power and profit in the vacuum left by the toppling of the Santa Regime.

[photos1.blogger.com image 400x237]
[img.fark.net image 401x271]

Yeah, but we'll be paid back in presents. The reindeer will treat us like liberators.


Christmission accomplished
 
2013-12-18 01:07:28 PM  
Until we pass some laws to arrest poor people for possession of presents with intent to distribute and to classify xmas decorations as paraphernalia, we don't have a real war on xmas.
 
2013-12-18 01:09:01 PM  

Trebuchet-Farker: Cue the picture of Cpl Hicks.


s3.amazonaws.com

I'm Hudson.  He's Hicks.
 
2013-12-18 01:11:36 PM  
What would happen if our military had an actual real "War on Christmas"?

We would have atheists in foxholes?
 
2013-12-18 01:23:41 PM  
www.tensionnot.com
 
2013-12-18 01:27:45 PM  
I'd worry more about the War on X-Mas."He knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you're on the can.He'll hunt you down and blast your ass, from here to Pakistan.Oh!You'd better not breathe, You'd better not move,You're better off dead, I'm telling you, dude.Santa Claus is gunning you down!"
 
2013-12-18 01:29:19 PM  
Hoping Sarah Palin is the first casualty
 
2013-12-18 01:29:27 PM  
What if the military waged war on Christmas? Well, for one, it would probably destroy the natural beauty of the island, and really piss off the Australians.

/I know people can get a little weirded-out during the red crab migration, but that's no reason to get the military involved.
 
2013-12-18 01:33:01 PM  
Santa is white.  When was the last time we went to war with white people?  Hah!  Ain't gonna happen.
 
2013-12-18 01:36:28 PM  
Wait, what about the war Xmas waged on the great festival of Yule!?!?! Ye stole all are shiate, and then acted like it was yerz!
 
2013-12-18 01:41:42 PM  
 
2013-12-18 01:50:13 PM  
Two Scimitar light tanks destroyed with five British soldiers wounded and one killed?
 
2013-12-18 02:05:17 PM  
076dd0a50e0c1255009e-bd4b8aabaca29897bc751dfaf75b290c.r40.cf1.rackcdn.com
Better watch out. Santa's elves not only have attitude, but tinsel that cuts through metal bars.
 
2013-12-18 02:08:12 PM  

dittybopper: We don't have to go to war with Santa Claus.   NORAD tracks his every move through DSP and SBIS infrared satellites, and I'm sure the NSA is listening to all of his communications.

We've got him under surveillance so tight, that we can just watch him and counter his moves effectively if he tries to pull some sith.  We don't need to destroy him, because we've got him *CONTAINED*.  That fortress that is the North Pole is also effectively a prison.


RTFA, this has already been addressed. The North Pole is under some legal dispute, which makes military action there run the possibility of sparking WWIII, and NORAD might track him, but we don't have a good track record shooting down missiles.

Plus, never attack someone in a cold climate during winter.
 
2013-12-18 02:08:36 PM  
Considering how the wars on Poverty, Drugs and Terrorism have gone, the survival of Christmas would be assured. The U.S. military would invade Easter Island, certain that they were seeking to obtain weapons of Midnight Mass distraction. Shipments of yellow cake would be carefully scrutinized. The price of frankincense and myrrh would skyrocket, but they'd be readily available via the black market. Elves would start wearing bling and writing popular music containing copious profanity and denigrating reindeer. Misletoe "dispensaries" would pop up in California, and Georgia would move to legalize it.

Eventually, christmas would last from mid-November until mid-January.
 
2013-12-18 02:32:43 PM  
If we start a war on Christmas then it should be done by Teatime. It shouldn't be that hard. Just be sure to have auditors check the

/And we'll be back home in time for New Year's day
 
2013-12-18 03:17:38 PM  
Funny article, best part was the last two lines-- the italicized ones.
 
2013-12-18 03:45:11 PM  
Why can't Obama just use his time machine to go kill Mary? We wouldn't need to have a war on Christmas if there was no Christmas.
 
2013-12-18 04:00:50 PM  
img194.imageshack.us

It's go time!
 
Pav
2013-12-18 04:25:37 PM  
The war on Christmas was decided long ago.  Jesus lost.  Santa won.
 
2013-12-18 04:41:24 PM  

dome maravilloso: Why can't Obama just use his time machine to go kill Mary? We wouldn't need to have a war on Christmas if there was no Christmas.


Who do you think impregnated her?
 
2013-12-18 04:41:55 PM  
The Air Force reports that they have defoliated 45% of the coniferous forest of the United States and Canada, causing Christmas tree prices to spike to $65 a foot, including branchless trunk. There are still sporadic outbreaks of insurgent mistletoe and holly, however, in the the North East where the naval blockade has failed to keep out British imports.

Terrorist knitting circles have blanketed Southern California and bits of the Rocky Mountain Zone with scarves, stockings and ugly sweaters but the cotton fields of Texas have been napalmed, reducing macramé and stuffed toys by 85%.

Imports of Brazil nuts have been totally stopped, but peanuts and cashews are still getting through because of smugglers in Mexico and the Caribbean.
 
2013-12-18 04:48:17 PM  
From a battle-hardened Warrior on Christmas:


Sargeant Elf:  Elf patrol 13 has captured Rush Limbaugh, sir!
Invader Zim:  Throw him into the really strong Jingle-Cage! And then release the Angry Face-Eating Baboon from
Ren & Stimpey.
 
2013-12-18 05:26:47 PM  
 
2013-12-18 07:05:05 PM  
See the Futurama Xmas episode
 
2013-12-19 02:11:40 AM  
It isn't necessary. It wouldn't be a war, it would be a rescue. Poor misunderstood Santa. He is a helpless captive

Nicholas Was...

older than sin, and his beard could grow no whiter. He wanted to die.

The dwarfish natives of the Arctic caverns did not speak his language, but conversed in their own, twittering tongue, conducted incomprehensible rituals, when they were not actually working in the factories.

Once every year they forced him, sobbing and protesting, into Endless Night. During the journey he would stand near every child in the world, leave one of the dwarves' invisible gifts by its bedside. The children slept, frozen into time.

He envied Prometheus and Loki, Sisyphus and Judas. His punishment was harsher.

Ho.

Ho.

Ho.
 
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