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(Thrillist)   The list of old junk that makes a dive bar a dive bar includes old-school beer signs, limited tap selection, and bathroom graffiti. Drew is surprisingly absent from the list, unless he falls under the "Guy who has never left" category   (thrillist.com) divider line 152
    More: Amusing, bathroom graffiti, beer signs, Calcutta, Diane Keaton, Big Jim  
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4575 clicks; posted to Main » on 17 Dec 2013 at 12:23 PM (18 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-12-17 11:44:19 AM
The condom machine is also usually and helpfully graffitied with "For refund, Insert baby here".
 
2013-12-17 11:58:43 AM
No picture of Geronimo?
 
2013-12-17 11:58:56 AM
The Liberty Cafe in Fredonia, New York is the perfect example of a dive bar. Damn thing smells like a urinal, the whole thing, not just the bathroom.
 
2013-12-17 12:01:28 PM

Hector Remarkable: The condom machine is also usually and helpfully graffitied with "For refund, Insert baby here".


Also acceptable: Don't buy this gum.  It tastes like rubber.
 
2013-12-17 12:01:56 PM

Hector Remarkable: The condom machine is also usually and helpfully graffitied with "For refund, Insert baby here".


My work here is done.
 
2013-12-17 12:07:02 PM
As I've said before, actual working class people.

The more thirtysomething mustachioed people drinking PBR tallboys, the less likely you're actually in a dive bar. But whatever flips your dipper.

Cheap, cold domestic tap beer, and a menu consisting of fried foods and/or frozen pizzas.

Bonus if there is some form of gambling going on.
 
2013-12-17 12:25:11 PM

tallguywithglasseson: As I've said before, actual working class people.

The more thirtysomething mustachioed people drinking PBR tallboys, the less likely you're actually in a dive bar. But whatever flips your dipper.

Cheap, cold domestic tap beer, and a menu consisting of fried foods and/or frozen pizzas.

Bonus if there is some form of gambling going on.


So, pretty much every bar in Wisconsin not located in a major metropolitan.
 
2013-12-17 12:28:08 PM
Oblig,.....


fastfood.ocregister.com
 
2013-12-17 12:28:26 PM
It must smell like pee too.
 
2013-12-17 12:30:21 PM
Touchscreen games? Substitute with dart board or scratched up filthy pool table. At the very least a pinball machine some chick got gangraped on.
 
2013-12-17 12:31:27 PM
All that you love will be carried away
 
2013-12-17 12:33:34 PM
Some dive bars can be awesome... but probably only for the regulars. Is it weird that I prefer the Goth club? I was really sad when they finally fixed the door to the men's room - it was missing the bottom panel. You couldn't SEE anything, it just added to the atmosphere.
 
2013-12-17 12:36:02 PM

ladyfortuna: Some dive bars can be awesome... but probably only for the regulars. Is it weird that I prefer the Goth club? I was really sad when they finally fixed the door to the men's room - it was missing the bottom panel. You couldn't SEE anything, it just added to the atmosphere.


Yes, it is weird by definition.
 
2013-12-17 12:36:09 PM

tallguywithglasseson: As I've said before, actual working class people.

The more thirtysomething mustachioed people drinking PBR tallboys, the less likely you're actually in a dive bar. But whatever flips your dipper.

Cheap, cold domestic tap beer, and a menu consisting of fried foods and/or frozen pizzas.

Bonus if there is some form of gambling going on.


Three old men at the short leg of the bar grumbling about everything and breaking each others balls. A jukebox that's not connected to the internet. A pool table and only one or two functioning cues, only one of which is remotely straight. A bartender who will flip a coin for your beer when it's slow and he's bored. A bathroom with no heat. Two tv's, CRT, one for watching Yankees and one for watching Mets.

And the place inexplicably gets mobbed on random weekend nights.

I just described The Cozy Tavern in Bogota NJ during the 90's, if anyone's interested.
 
2013-12-17 12:37:44 PM
None of the toilets can work
 
2013-12-17 12:40:43 PM
Pretty sure according to Article IV..paragraph iii...sub-paragraph 4 in the U.S. Code of Dive bars that one of these is required

www.mccluretables.com
 
2013-12-17 12:40:44 PM
The dive bar near Ft Hood is either A) closed down, B) unlisted, or C) I never actually knew what it was called. Heroes Rock Bar, or something like that. I can't find any trace of it online. But still, it was my favorite dive bar. Can't even count how many times I have thrown up in/on/around that place.
 
2013-12-17 12:41:34 PM
Also missing the jars of pickled things that most sober people won't eat.
 
2013-12-17 12:41:36 PM
A horrible bathroom is the hallmark of the top-quality dive bar.  It has to scare away the weak.
clatl.com
Lenny's Atlanta (old location)


i.imgur.com
Clermont Lounge (yes, that's a pee trough)
 
2013-12-17 12:45:58 PM
The vague trace of a rotting earth odor.

And fruit flies. Always the fruit flies.

Or maybe it's just my hygiene.

/ex-bartender
 
2013-12-17 12:46:07 PM

blatz514: So, pretty much every bar in Wisconsin not located in a major metropolitan.


Pretty much, but in Wisconsin you add "kids playing video games in the corner while their parents get blotto".

In Minnesota, it's "pull tab booth and a meat raffle" (meat raffles probably in parts of WI as well).
 
2013-12-17 12:46:07 PM

Rapmaster2000: A horrible bathroom is the hallmark of the top-quality dive bar.  It has to scare away the weak.

[i.imgur.com image 768x1024]
Clermont Lounge (yes, that's a pee trough)


Ahhhh Clermont Lounge.... If dive bars are cocaine, Clermont Lounge is crack with ugly strippers mixed in.  The friends I took there are squeamish and don't ever want to go back...something to do with the midget stripper.
 
2013-12-17 12:46:27 PM
Yes you know you are in a dive bar when they are playing pool with broom sticks.

U Needa Rest, Deer Park LI...circa 1990's
 
2013-12-17 12:47:53 PM
They forgot the stage for local bands.

Gooski's in Polish Hill, Pittsburgh!
 
2013-12-17 12:48:41 PM
Marges, on Lake Ontario, Rochester, NY. Used to be a speak easy.
 
2013-12-17 12:56:29 PM
All it needs is the misspelled beer "wisdom" poster in an overused font with the same overused 1950s two-color silk screen deco.

Man, that stuff is as funny as it was over ten years ago. :|
 
2013-12-17 12:57:56 PM
What a stupid article... Plenty of regular bars have old beer signs and touchscreen games. And the jukebox, really? Once again, deadline time came at some shiatty website and someone phoned one in, I guess...

Really, a dive bar looks like it can never be actually clean, and you fear a little for your life because of the other customers in the bar, sometimes even the bartender or the owner. A good dive bar has you afraid of all 3. When the homeless people come in and actively hit you up for money while you're sitting at the bar, you're pretty close. This just looks like a hipster's version of one, even though the article makes sure to "add" them to the list...
 
2013-12-17 12:59:32 PM

Dextro: ladyfortuna: Some dive bars can be awesome... but probably only for the regulars. Is it weird that I prefer the Goth club? I was really sad when they finally fixed the door to the men's room - it was missing the bottom panel. You couldn't SEE anything, it just added to the atmosphere.

Yes, it is weird by definition.


Meh, so be it. It's a far more tolerant atmosphere in general even if you wear a flannel shirt and jeans (I've done it), and I've NEVER been hit on/harassed by the guys who go there, unlike every dive bar in existence. They've always been fairly polite.
 
2013-12-17 01:04:22 PM
- The old guys who put salt in their beer.

- Middle-aged waitress, still wearing skin-tight jeans.

- No soap dispensers in the washroom, because drunks smash them.

- Broken TV in the corner that they've been promising to replace since the 1970s.
 
2013-12-17 01:10:03 PM

Mikey1969: What a stupid article... Plenty of regular bars have old beer signs and touchscreen games. And the jukebox, really? Once again, deadline time came at some shiatty website and someone phoned one in, I guess...

Really, a dive bar looks like it can never be actually clean, and you fear a little for your life because of the other customers in the bar, sometimes even the bartender or the owner. A good dive bar has you afraid of all 3. When the homeless people come in and actively hit you up for money while you're sitting at the bar, you're pretty close. This just looks like a hipster's version of one, even though the article makes sure to "add" them to the list...


As someone that ended up in plenty of dive bars in Memphis, I agree. This list is the hipster disneyworld version. The reality is far gone alcoholics trying vainly to pull the trigger with one last glass of swill, long in the tooth whores trying to gold dig a janitor, and mentally deranged individuals holding court before an apathetic audience. Mix in aggressive thugs looking for a fight, and now you have a dive bar. You don't REALLY want to go to one, unless by accident or you have lost the will to live.
 
2013-12-17 01:10:57 PM
I worked in a dive bar in the early 80s in White Plains NY called Rene's Pub. You cannot call a bar a dive bar unless..

A) not one, but TWO bartenders are found dead in the cellar

B) you don't have "All my exes live in Texas" by George strait on your jukebox which is played 52 times in a row by a drunk golf caddy.

C) your handyman washes his sneakers in the dishwasher on a regular basis.

woopsy do...
 
2013-12-17 01:13:43 PM
your mom giving BJ's in the mens room?
 
2013-12-17 01:14:53 PM

The Southern Logic Company: Rapmaster2000: A horrible bathroom is the hallmark of the top-quality dive bar.  It has to scare away the weak.

[i.imgur.com image 768x1024]
Clermont Lounge (yes, that's a pee trough)

Ahhhh Clermont Lounge.... If dive bars are cocaine, Clermont Lounge is crack with ugly strippers mixed in.  The friends I took there are squeamish and don't ever want to go back...something to do with the midget stripper.



I've been in the Atlanta area for years and have never been there, though I have met Blondie several times at various locales, and have a couple stories.....

I'll be visiting this place next week....dive bar in the mountains.  Maybe Uncle Tom's Cabin, too, weather permitting.

farm7.static.flickr.com
 
2013-12-17 01:16:01 PM

blatz514: tallguywithglasseson: As I've said before, actual working class people.

The more thirtysomething mustachioed people drinking PBR tallboys, the less likely you're actually in a dive bar. But whatever flips your dipper.

Cheap, cold domestic tap beer, and a menu consisting of fried foods and/or frozen pizzas.

Bonus if there is some form of gambling going on.

So, pretty much every bar in Wisconsin not located in a major metropolitan.


I'd go a step further and say every bar in the nation not located in an area frequented by the upper middle and higher classes or hipsters.

//Been called a hipster, and I'm ok with that, but I don't dump the things I like because they've become mainstream.  We call those people, crazy assholes.
 
2013-12-17 01:18:51 PM
Mr. Fuzzypaws:  Damn thing smells like a urinal, the whole thing, not just the bathroom.

It's all about the aroma, and the aroma of a true dive would need Hemingway to do it justice.  Regardless of the clientele, the menu, the amusements, or the graffitti... if your nose doesn't prickle a little when you walk in the door: not up to dive standards.

An old neon beer sign flickering in the single, small, fly-specked window is extra points, but the aroma is key.
 
2013-12-17 01:19:01 PM
H31N0US:
Three old men at the short leg of the bar grumbling about everything and breaking each others balls. A jukebox that's not connected to the internet. A pool table and only one or two functioning cues, only one of which is remotely straight. A bartender who will just give you a flip a coin for your beer when it's slow and he's bored. A bathroom with no heat. Two One tv's, CRT, one for watching Yankees and one for watching Mets.  Da Bears or Cubs.  Only.  Ever.

And the place inexplicably gets mobbed on random weekend nights.

I just described The Cozy Tavern in Bogota NJ during the 90's, if anyone's interested. The Owl's Nest up the street from me.


Gawd, I loves me some simple bars.  This one has yet to be set upon by hipsters.  So far.
 
2013-12-17 01:20:47 PM
I worked the door at a private club that was open from Wed- Sun(I dont know why, thats just the days the owner set) we had a customer who had perfect attendance. If the bar was open he was in there. The place was open for 3 years and he never missed a day. We had all the sign in sheets to prove it. Never met a more lonely person in my life.
 
2013-12-17 01:21:02 PM
A jukebox with Merle Haggard and NWA? Hmm. What about "The Night Chicago Died" by Paper Lace?

Does anybody know of a real dive bar in Lexington, KY? And not the Chevy Chase Inn dammit, that's only Donald Trump's idea of slumming. Staff & patrons' being fluent in English is optional, and it's be best if I'm not the oldest guy in the joint (I'm 50).
 
2013-12-17 01:22:16 PM
I know a place that has a david allen coe SECTION on the jukebox, and a friend of mine got stabbed there back in the 90s.
 
2013-12-17 01:23:01 PM
Oh, forgot a crucial aspect of the dive bar: the gut-wrenching tragedy that won't stop drinking and smoking. You know the kind, hooked up to oxygen..honestly should stop drinking too, but nooo..
 
2013-12-17 01:25:00 PM
My favorite dive bar in Queens:
 
2013-12-17 01:26:00 PM
www.anauthenticlife.com

Should also have a fish mounted somewhere on the premises.
 
2013-12-17 01:26:18 PM
One more try:

s3-media1.ak.yelpcdn.com
 
2013-12-17 01:29:35 PM

offmymeds: [www.anauthenticlife.com image 560x375]

Should also have a fish mounted somewhere on the premises.


Will a deer head suffice?  We don't have much of a fishing culture out in these parts.
 
2013-12-17 01:29:38 PM

Satan's Bunny Slippers: This one has yet to be set upon by hipsters.


So over the Owl's Nest. It was cool before people started posting about it on fark. I go to a new dive bar now. You've probably never heard of it.
 
2013-12-17 01:31:27 PM
This place in SLC should be called Burts Tiki Toilet instead.  Plastic bottle booze and PBR in a cooler is the only beer they serve unless Joanne is there and then they bring in Bud light just for her.
And worst bathrooms ever. They need a fire hose taken to them... one that shoots fire.

static.panoramio.com
 
2013-12-17 01:32:18 PM

Lollipop165: One more try:

[s3-media1.ak.yelpcdn.com image 300x400]


That looks like the Shannon in Hoboken used to. They've since fixed it up. There are no dive bars in Hoboken anymore, really...DCs tries but it's really hipsters...I think the chilton house might qualify.

All that yuppie bro  money is too hard to resist.
 
2013-12-17 01:33:27 PM

Lollipop165: One more try:

[s3-media1.ak.yelpcdn.com image 300x400]


How'd that palce get an "A"?
 
2013-12-17 01:33:49 PM
images.citysearch.net
 
2013-12-17 01:33:49 PM
www.doblevych.com

The Brunswick Hotel in London Ontario. "The Wick". I pretty much grew up in this place.  The owner didn't read or see so well so you could give him your actual ID (the one that said you were 16) and he'd pretend to scan it for a while and then tell you to have a seat.  Or maybe he just didn't give a damn.  Either way, this was the first bar I got drunk in.  This was the first bar my band played in.  This place was my beautiful beautiful dive in London Ontario - an oasis against preppy university students (who were afraid of the place) where responsibilities vanished in smoke, bad local rock and cheap beer.

Last time I was in London I walked past the empty lot where it used to stand.

/pouring a stale, flat pony glass of 50 on the pavement
 
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