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(Vanity Fair)   For you Farkers that have jobs, and would like to keep them .....How to behave at your Work Christmas Party   (video.vanityfair.com) divider line 169
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5568 clicks; posted to Main » on 11 Dec 2013 at 5:01 PM (33 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



169 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2013-12-11 04:11:59 PM
I just won't attend the Work Christmas Party.

/I go where the Hobbits grow.
 
2013-12-11 04:28:13 PM
Show up wasted drunk.
 
2013-12-11 04:33:36 PM
Our party is tonight and we opened some champagne at 10 this morning.
 
2013-12-11 04:34:48 PM
I can't watch a video at work.

Great, and the party's at 5 o'clock tonight...
 
2013-12-11 04:42:21 PM
Stay aloof, stay employed.
 
2013-12-11 05:02:26 PM
I got drunk and banged the president's daughter. She had great tits and I never liked that job anyway.
 
2013-12-11 05:03:31 PM
We had a Christmas party when the super big-wigs came in from our national HQ. One of our local bosses got shiat-faced, started drinking wine straight from the bottles and started telling some pretty sexist jokes right in front of one of our female senior VP's. I was freaking amazed when he still had a job a week later.
 
2013-12-11 05:03:45 PM
Pretend to enjoy the  Hot Cocoa Sampler Box.
 
2013-12-11 05:04:59 PM
Our holiday party is an annual free breffis.  Hopefully I'll be sober by then.
 
2013-12-11 05:05:01 PM
God I farking hate work Christmas parties
 
2013-12-11 05:05:58 PM
So, none of this?

i.dailymail.co.uk
 
2013-12-11 05:06:05 PM
Bring lots of cocaine, so you can drink everyone under the table.
 
2013-12-11 05:06:45 PM
Not going.
But, I'm going to sneak my SS gift in before the party, after hours
 
2013-12-11 05:08:41 PM
The worst work xmas party I ever went to was a real doozy - A group of terrorists lead by some classically educated guy took over the building and killed our boss intending to rob the place and blow up the building.  Luckily some lady's husband was a cop and ended up getting us out safely.
 
2013-12-11 05:08:57 PM
Don't smack your boss's/boss's so's ass. Try not to have sex with chubby Pam on the copy machine. At the very least, attempt to keep your pants on.
 
2013-12-11 05:09:46 PM
Stick your dick in the mashed potatos.
 
2013-12-11 05:10:17 PM
I plan to bang the copier on top of the secretary while she's running.
 
2013-12-11 05:11:35 PM

res_nihil: The worst work xmas party I ever went to was a real doozy - A group of terrorists lead by some classically educated guy took over the building and killed our boss intending to rob the place and blow up the building.  Luckily some lady's husband was a cop and ended up getting us out safely.


That was Die Hard; possibly White House Down.

/ I thought White House Down was a very funny movie
 
2013-12-11 05:12:11 PM
Office party? Luxury! I'll get my hot cocoa sampler box and be thankful for it.
 
2013-12-11 05:12:59 PM
Oh, and I'm sure that Tina Brown's company parties were always models of decorum and gentility.
 
2013-12-11 05:13:21 PM
Workplace = extra work, and since they don't pay me to do it I rather go get blasted with folks I actually enjoy being around.
 
2013-12-11 05:13:43 PM

res_nihil: The worst work xmas party I ever went to was a real doozy - A group of terrorists lead by some classically educated guy took over the building and killed our boss intending to rob the place and blow up the building.  Luckily some lady's husband was a cop and ended up getting us out safely.


ho,ho,ho...now I have a machine gun.
 
2013-12-11 05:14:18 PM
I figure as long as I don't stick my dick in the mashed potatoes, I'm doing OK.
 
2013-12-11 05:15:02 PM

Bslim: Workplace party  = extra work, and since they don't pay me to do it I rather go get blasted with folks I actually enjoy being around.



FTFM
 
2013-12-11 05:16:17 PM
a day late a buck short
 
2013-12-11 05:16:36 PM
The office Xmas parties I went to were always a blast.  The company rented a good space, had excellent catering, a fun band, and you got to spend time with people who had been working on other projects that you hadn't seen in long time.

Whenever I switched employers, I always found out from the old hands whether the party was good or not.  If not good, don't go.  It's very rare that any business with more than 20 employees takes attendance at the party...
 
2013-12-11 05:16:42 PM

W.C.fields forever: Stick your dick in the mashed potatos.



CSB:

At a previous job, Rolls Royce was once of our suppliers, and I was lucky enough to get an invite to their Christmas party.  They even had a mashed potato bar....mashed potatoes were served in large martini glasses, and then a server would add whatever you wanted....gravy, cheese, sour cream, bacon bits, green onions, etc.

/Also had an awesome seafood buffet with shrimp and oysters.
//Those Brits know how to party.
 
2013-12-11 05:16:53 PM

Bslim: Bslim: Workplace party  = extra work, and since they don't pay me to do it I rather go get blasted with folks I actually enjoy being around.


FTFM


But I'm assured you're exactly like Ebeneezer scrooge if you don't want to spend the holidays with your co-workers.
 
2013-12-11 05:16:56 PM

abhorrent1: God I farking hate work Christmas parties


Not me... Of course, out of the 100 people at my current office, 5 of us are non-sales support staff. Since we don't get commissions, we(and our spouses) are getting taken to dinner by the VP of the company. i think the tenderloin entree is something like $54, so I can't really complain about a very high end dinner with only a dozen people total and a LOT of drinking.
 
2013-12-11 05:17:04 PM
I work for a semi-big company. Our parties used to be fun and usually on a Friday, everyone went. That's when we made money. Now it's actually in the building on a Tuesday. They literally sent around a followup email to the invite asking for people to RSVP since apparently no one has.
Hard to believe people aren't in a party mood when they laid off half the employees, doubled people's workloads but didn't pay them any more.

/this place blows
 
2013-12-11 05:17:20 PM

res_nihil: The worst work xmas party I ever went to was a real doozy - A group of terrorists lead by some classically educated guy took over the building and killed our boss intending to rob the place and blow up the building.  Luckily some lady's husband was a cop and ended up getting us out safely.


media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com
 
2013-12-11 05:17:25 PM
Well my company never has a christmas/holiday party. Usually it is up to individual work sites to figure out what they want to do if anything. Last few years its been pizza and wings, no booze at work. I should have known the last company I worked for was in trouble when the holiday party went from a ballroom with an open bar to a cruddy restaurant next door with a cash bar.
 
2013-12-11 05:17:28 PM
The last big corporation I worked for charged fifty bucks per person for admission the Christmas party, then pretended to wonder why only the top execs went.
 
2013-12-11 05:17:29 PM
My office party is tonight...
Ugh.
I hate socializing...especially with drunk farkers.
I hate people.
 
2013-12-11 05:19:24 PM
Ours was last week. I just leave as soon as I start to get drunk and have never had a problem.
 
2013-12-11 05:20:01 PM

SecretAgentWoman: I can't watch a video at work.

Great, and the party's at 5 o'clock tonight...


Me too!

So... how you doin'?
 
2013-12-11 05:20:51 PM

iheartscotch: That was Die Hard; possibly White House Down.


You're supposed to make a sly reference to the movie in question, like pounddawg did.
 
2013-12-11 05:22:52 PM
At the last minute, my holiday party committee moved me to the head table. I was seated next to the deputy director's wife. She was wearing a dress that made it obvious she has rather large breasts. And then she asked me to dance while the DJ was playing Unchained Melody.

/dear penthouse...
 
2013-12-11 05:24:52 PM
working in a brewery, there is not a lot that fazes us come the holiday party or anniversery parties. In fact, it's not really considered a party if Mark doesnt get arrested.
 
2013-12-11 05:24:58 PM
No idea what the video says, but here's what I'd expect would work:

- Don't show up looking like a slob.
- Show up, greet people. Talk about pleasant things.
- Lay off the booze- one, maybe two drinks at most. You don't want to get wasted.
- Be friendly, but not too friendly. Hitting on that hot senior VP is a bad idea.
- Do try the food- it's there, may as well eat it. Just don't eat it all.
- Don't shut the place down, drink every drop of booze, and grab the ass of the owner's/boss's wife. Unless you're the owner/boss. Then you can do whatever the hell you want.
 
2013-12-11 05:24:58 PM
So, is pissing on the cheap whores I've worked with out of the question?

/bottled urine: $20.
 
2013-12-11 05:25:02 PM
Here if you don't have at least as many shots as you have years at the company don't bother showing up on Monday.
 
2013-12-11 05:25:11 PM
Yeah, Tier 1 has already told us in Tier 2 that any social media posting of anything that happens at the party WILL have repercussions...

On the bright side, even though my work is a 40 minute drive away, the party is right across the street from my house, so I won't need to worry about getting a designated driver for myself :)

(Not much of a drinker, but at least I know I can go above 0.08 with no worries)
 
2013-12-11 05:25:44 PM
I always get confused between banging the bosses daughter on the photocopier while throwing up on on the boss or banging the boss while puking on his daughter.

Who knew that such subtle details could impact a career?
 
2013-12-11 05:26:11 PM

memebot_of_doom: iheartscotch: That was Die Hard; possibly White House Down.

You're supposed to make a sly reference to the movie in question, like pounddawg did.


yippie kyay...kiay.. how the fark do you spell that?
 
2013-12-11 05:26:52 PM
Since I own the company, our office party is going to be any damn time I want it to be.  There's going to be some boozing, some singing, maybe a little fighting...  Haven't decided if it's going to be a buffet or a deli bar yet.   (I'm also the only employee)

At my other, "real" job they only throw a company party every 2 years, and this is an off year, which is nice.
 
2013-12-11 05:29:27 PM
Usually my office parties are pretty boring.  You know the story: the sad table of sad party snacks that taste like sadness, the boring conversations and the ridiculous festive ties.  No booze of course, and everyone leaves to go back to work after an hour.

One year, though, I thought I would make things more interesting.  First, I rented a cube truck with a 10-ton cargo capacity.  Then I looked up a local circus, and drove out to find it with this truck.  I managed to lure Bashful, one of the circus' Asian elephants, into the back of my truck, then I slowly drove off.

The next morning, I chained the elephant to my house, the truck, and anything else I could find.  Then I painted the elephant Christmas colours (red, green, white), and covered it with glitter.  After it stopped sneezing I managed to get it back in the truck, I drove off to my office.  The party would start at ten, and I planned on showing up just a bit late.

Luckily, Bashful fit inside the freight elevator at work.  It strained a bit getting him up to the fifth floor, but you should have seen people's delighted faces as I exited the elevator in a full Santa costume, riding on the back of this elephant. They were amazed, brought back to the time of their childhood, when anything - anything at all - was possible at Christmas-time.

After I made my entrance, I jumped down to better enjoy the party, leaving Bashful with a bowl of peanuts.  This was a mistake.  They were spicy peanuts (I honestly did not notice) and before I knew it Bashful was throwing a fit, knocking over tables and trampling people, tossing them lightly through windows with his trunk.  It was a disaster!  Needless to say I didn't keep that job for long.

So now I have learned my lesson.  No elephants at Christmas parties.
 
2013-12-11 05:30:02 PM
We had ours last Friday night at Papadeux's... I have to say it was a BIT unsatisfying... it was more like a Happy Hour... shrimp, oysters some chicken fingers and french fries...I don't eat seafood, so I had some excellent cheese, some excellent prime rib and a 3 excellent Makers' Mark's... took my ex-wife, and we had a pretty good time... the door prizes were seriously weak. Having been there so long, I have determined that you can really tell how the company is doing based on how the "Holiday Party" looks. Meh.
 
2013-12-11 05:30:37 PM
My company parties involve a bunch of people in a construction related business drinking free booze. There's food too, and it's good, but that's always secondary to the free beer.

Drinking with wasted co-workers that put up with the same crap that I do is usually a good time.
 
2013-12-11 05:34:17 PM

biglew99: We had ours last Friday night at Papadeux's... I have to say it was a BIT unsatisfying... it was more like a Happy Hour... shrimp, oysters some chicken fingers and french fries...I don't eat seafood, so I had some excellent cheese, some excellent prime rib and a 3 excellent Makers' Mark's... took my ex-wife, and we had a pretty good time... the door prizes were seriously weak. Having been there so long, I have determined that you can really tell how the company is doing based on how the "Holiday Party" looks. Meh.


Did you at least get to bang the ex?
 
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