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(Slate)   Oinophobia is the fear of wine. Ohnoinophobia is the fear of ordering the wrong wine with your meal. Lucky for you, there's a handy chart to help you conquer this phobia that subby just made up   (slate.com) divider line 84
    More: Spiffy, Merlot  
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3811 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Dec 2013 at 11:13 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



84 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2013-12-08 11:14:07 AM  
Drink beer instead?
 
2013-12-08 11:14:40 AM  
I hate talking about wine.  I hate being around people talking about wine.
 
2013-12-08 11:16:29 AM  
Trick question: Boone's Farm goes with anything.
 
2013-12-08 11:16:38 AM  
farm3.staticflickr.com
 
2013-12-08 11:19:48 AM  
Here's FrancoFile's 2-sentence guide to wine pairing.

Consider everything about the taste, body, and texture of the meal: protein, sauce, sides, seasoning.  Then choose a wine that either complements those elements (spicy goes with spicy, delicate goes with delicate, etc.) or contrasts with those elements (spicy vs. sweet, rich vs. clean, cold vs. hot, earthy vs. fruity).
 
2013-12-08 11:22:36 AM  
We don't go to restaurants. Problem solved.
 
2013-12-08 11:23:26 AM  

CipollinaFan: Drink beer instead?


Like there aren't beer snobs ready to sneer at whatever you drink.
 
2013-12-08 11:23:58 AM  
I have OingoBoingophobia.

Which is the fear of Tim Burton movies.
 
2013-12-08 11:24:03 AM  

noitsnot: I hate talking about wine.  I hate being around people talking about wine.


I hate people complaining about people talking about wine.
 
2013-12-08 11:25:01 AM  
www.lyricsfreak.com

I have Onophobia
 
2013-12-08 11:25:03 AM  
Step one: make sure it's French or Italian, and doesn't say the grape on the bottle.
 
2013-12-08 11:26:15 AM  
There's also tannins to consider.  Full bodied wines with lots of tannins in them, your average cabernet savignon from California for example, can start out sweet, sour, and have lots of different interesting things going on, but as you keep drinking it becomes more and more just sour/bitter.  The tannins are sticking to your tastebuds and preventing you from tasting the sweet parts of the wine, that's why you can't replicate that nice first sip.  The solution is to pair a more full bodied wine with a fatty food, like a steak or some olive oil.  The fat forms little complexes called micelles with the tannins and removes them from your tongue.  Tada!  First sip all over again.
 
2013-12-08 11:27:11 AM  

DirtyDeadGhostofEbenezerCooke: CipollinaFan: Drink beer instead?

Like there aren't beer snobs ready to sneer at whatever you drink.


That's because really bad beer is much more common than really bad wine.  Everybody knows only hobos drink Mad Dog or Thunderbird.  But somehow people drinking Budweiser or MGD are given a pass, when it's obvious that they have no taste buds.
 
2013-12-08 11:28:10 AM  
Just splurge! Tell the waiter to bring you some fresh wine. The freshest they've got - this year! No more of this old stuff.  Then maybe they'll realize they're dealing with sophisticated people.
 
2013-12-08 11:30:51 AM  

noitsnot: I hate talking about wine.  I hate being around people talking about wine.


Talking about wine takes away from quality drinking time.
i.imgur.com
 
2013-12-08 11:31:22 AM  
I prefer the spelling "oenophobia" but I guess that "oinophobia" is an acceptable variant spelling.

SpdrJay: I have OingoBoingophobia.

Which is the fear of Tim Burton movies.


Ha!
 
2013-12-08 11:33:41 AM  
Then there's "oikophobia" which is the fear of getting another ticket.
 
2013-12-08 11:36:54 AM  

Copper Spork: Step one: make sure it's French or Italian, and doesn't say the grape on the bottle.


Major fail.

Killer wines from Italy and France with the grape name in the appellation
Muscadet de Sevre et Marne
Alsace *anything*
Sauvignon de Sant-Bris
Montipulciano d'Abruzzo
Aglianico del Vulture
 
2013-12-08 11:39:53 AM  

FrancoFile: Copper Spork: Step one: make sure it's French or Italian, and doesn't say the grape on the bottle.

Major fail.

Killer wines from Italy and France with the grape name in the appellation
Muscadet de Sevre et Marne
Alsace *anything*
Sauvignon de Sant-Bris
Montipulciano d'Abruzzo
Aglianico del Vulture


Do they let the grapes fall off the vine and die naturally?
 
2013-12-08 11:43:21 AM  

tillerman35: Just splurge! Tell the waiter to bring you some fresh wine. The freshest they've got - this year! No more of this old stuff.  Then maybe they'll realize they're dealing with sophisticated people.



Oh, you magnificent farker you!

+1
 
2013-12-08 11:43:55 AM  
When in doubt just order champagne.  It goes with everything.
 
2013-12-08 11:45:02 AM  
White, and local. Which means Millbrook, or the Finger Lakes.
 
2013-12-08 11:46:10 AM  
The right wine is the one you feel like drinking.
 
2013-12-08 11:46:29 AM  
Half the fun is trying new wines.  I try to always order something I've never had.

/current fan of South American malbecs
 
2013-12-08 11:47:54 AM  
"Wine tasters refer to a wine's aroma as its "nose." This wine's nose was a rectum. If this wasn't wine, I had somehow stumbled upon the recipe for Prison Stink Bombs. Forget about drinking it, I was afraid of getting it on me. "
--Steve, Don't Eat It, VOL 8
 
2013-12-08 11:48:12 AM  

CipollinaFan: Drink beer instead?


2.bp.blogspot.com
 
2013-12-08 11:52:17 AM  

eyeq360: I prefer the spelling "oenophobia" but I guess that "oinophobia" is an acceptable variant spelling.

SpdrJay: I have OingoBoingophobia.

Which is the fear of Tim Burton movies.

Ha!


Myself I don`t regard oinology as a real word. It`s oenology.
 
2013-12-08 11:52:59 AM  

SpdrJay: I have OingoBoingophobia.

Which is the fear of Tim Burton movies.


[smart][funny]
 
2013-12-08 11:55:24 AM  
Which is the one where you have a fear of plants, because you have a fear they'll plant seeds in you and slowly grow through your body and slowly take you over? Despite knowing that doesn't happen. Asking for a friend.
 
2013-12-08 12:01:28 PM  

monkeysinmybag.files.wordpress.com

Luposlipaphobia: The fear of being pursued by timber wolves around a kitchen table while

wearing socks on a newly waxed floor.

 
2013-12-08 12:02:50 PM  

FrancoFile: Here's FrancoFile's 2-sentence guide to wine pairing.

Consider everything about the taste, body, and texture of the meal: protein, sauce, sides, seasoning.  Then choose a wine that either complements those elements (spicy goes with spicy, delicate goes with delicate, etc.) or contrasts with those elements (spicy vs. sweet, rich vs. clean, cold vs. hot, earthy vs. fruity).


Yup, with a steak I'd rather have a dry white than a sweet red (if those are the only choices)

One of the best restaurants I ever ate at had a waiter training to be a sommelier, just told him to bring us whatever he thought would go best with the meal. He never failed us.

/he recommended a Salice Salentino that is still my favorite wine ever
//he let me buy out their stock of it at cost
 
2013-12-08 12:05:05 PM  
This goes with everything but I've found it best paired with a glass.
 
2013-12-08 12:07:10 PM  

JoieD'Zen: This goes with everything but I've found it best paired with a glass.


oops!
forgetburgundy.files.wordpress.com
 
2013-12-08 12:09:54 PM  

noitsnot: I hate talking about wine.  I hate being around people talking about wine.


My upcoming wine blog will really piss you off then.

/Nice chart by the way
 
2013-12-08 12:12:51 PM  
I prefer to drink a good Cabernet Sauvignon when I eat.  Wine rules of for pretentious pricks.  White wine is like lite beer to me, I will not say no to a free glass but I am not paying for that crap.
 
2013-12-08 12:18:29 PM  

Stavr0: [monkeysinmybag.files.wordpress.com image 476x289]Luposlipaphobia: The fear of being pursued by timber wolves around a kitchen table while wearing socks on a newly waxed floor.


Came for this. So glad you saved me the time looking for that image.
 
2013-12-08 12:21:15 PM  
I need a poster telling me what soda to order with what fast food.
 
2013-12-08 12:32:10 PM  

Pichu0102: Which is the one where you have a fear of plants, because you have a fear they'll plant seeds in you and slowly grow through your body and slowly take you over? Despite knowing that doesn't happen. Asking for a friend.


That one is called "seek help". ;)
 
2013-12-08 12:39:21 PM  

stevenvictx: I need a poster telling me what soda to order with what fast food.


Simple.  If your BMI is below 25 order whatever you want.  If your BMI is 26 or above, order the largest Diet Coke possible so you can order twice as much food. "It's OK for me to get 2 Big Macs and 2 jumbo fries because I'm having a Diet Coke".
 
2013-12-08 12:39:39 PM  

Jument: Pichu0102: Which is the one where you have a fear of plants, because you have a fear they'll plant seeds in you and slowly grow through your body and slowly take you over? Despite knowing that doesn't happen. Asking for a friend.

That one is called "seek help". ;)


Sea kelp? That's it!
 
2013-12-08 01:15:42 PM  
I have  a fear of pretentious douchebags.
 
2013-12-08 01:17:35 PM  
The trick is to guzzle whatever kind of wine you like best ahead of time. Then you won't care what the fark you're eating. It's the perfect pairing every time, guaranteed.
 
2013-12-08 01:22:53 PM  
I have no problems Subs when I get my wine.

www.bumwine.com
 
2013-12-08 01:24:13 PM  
Or just use this method:

paxarcana.files.wordpress.com
 
2013-12-08 01:27:42 PM  
I went to a London fine dining restaurant where the cheapest bottle was £80. This was not on the company dime- and the server kept recommending bottles at three times the price. It ruined the meal ( the price, not the wine). Gordon Ramsey is an asshole.
 
2013-12-08 01:29:06 PM  
 Most wine snobs tend to lean toward Night Train. It has a light fruity zest that goes with almost any meal.
 
2013-12-08 01:29:31 PM  

Handy List of Which Wine to Serve Based on the Music Playing During Dinner

Mozart --- Champagne or sparkling wine
Beethoven --- Claret (Burgundy)
Klezmer --- Concord grapes (red)
Vivaldi's Seasons --- White wine spritzers
Barry White -- Have some Madiera, m'dear
Phish - White wine
I Got My Thrills on Blueberry Hill - Two Dollar Chuck
Reggae - Red, red wine
George Takei sings - Tokay
Leonard Nimoy sings - One bottle of red, one of white
Willam Shatner sings - Canadian port or sherry and keep 'em coming
Morman Tabernacle Choir - Virgin White Russians (lots of luck finding some)
Pop music - boxed wine, screw top wine
Bubblegum - Creme de minthe until you puke
House - Mike's Hard lemonade ditto ditto ditto
Country and Western (traditional) - Two dollar chuck
Country and Western (with sequins) - Cristal
Queen - Pink champagne
AC-DC -  Pink gin
Pink - Pimm's Number One Cup
Grunge - Gin
Garage - Screwdrivers
Christian Rock - Purple Jesus
Death Metal - Battery acid
Gangsta - Cristal
White Supremacist Rock - see Death Metal
Calypso - Beaujolais nouveau
Lounge music - Planter's Punch
Easy Listening - Mousseux
 
2013-12-08 01:42:33 PM  
Oingoboingophobia: Fear of Danny Elfman soundtracks.
 
2013-12-08 01:44:12 PM  

Mugato: I have  a fear of pretentious douchebags.


There is nothing pretentious about wanting to pair the right wine with the right food.
 
2013-12-08 01:53:06 PM  
I don't fear wine, I'm mildly allergic to the added sulfites. I like to be able to breath through my nose.
 
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