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(BBC)   Bad Sex in Fiction prize winner for 2013:"We streak like superheroes past suns and solar systems, we dive through shoals of quarks and atomic nuclei. In celebration of our breakthrough fourth star, statisticians the world over rejoice"   (bbc.co.uk ) divider line
    More: Amusing, Literary Review, Manil Suri, Anna Karenina, Woody Guthrie, Norman Mailer  
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1859 clicks; posted to Main » on 04 Dec 2013 at 12:16 PM (2 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



25 Comments   (+0 »)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

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2013-12-04 12:19:35 PM  
I'm a big fan of any series or book that describes sex using the adjectives crazy and monkey.
 
2013-12-04 12:23:48 PM  
Top or bottom quarks?
 
2013-12-04 12:24:06 PM  
She was hot, like the wife's friend and she gave him a wink, like the wife's hot friend did to me when the wife went to the bathroom. Only this time, she, the chick that looked like the wife's hot friend, meant to wink at him and it wasn't because she had something in her eye. So he went to her and unlike my case, she did not refuse his advances, hip flexings nor did she knee him in the peas and run screaming from McDonald's. They had sex and it was not at all like sitting alone in McDonald's eating a Big Mac and waiting for the cops.
 
2013-12-04 12:25:02 PM  
"We streak like superheroes past suns and solar systems"
So, you take millions of years in an cold, airless, empty void traveling inconceivable distances while being exposed to skin-melting levels of radiation and praying that your super powers don't suddenly give out.
 
2013-12-04 12:27:22 PM  
That read like a Rush lyric.
 
2013-12-04 12:28:32 PM  
Who needs bad sex in fiction when there is so much of it in real life?  Mine all ends in me apologizing profusely and promising to clean it up later.
 
2013-12-04 12:29:56 PM  
I don't know about you but that sounds like good sex to me
 
2013-12-04 12:31:19 PM  
My blubbering manmeat whimpered in anticipation but suddenly collapsed into itself, her laughter knocking me backward off the bed and into a crumpled heap of shivering humiliation.

But I think deep down she enjoyed it.
 
2013-12-04 12:37:27 PM  
I had sex in the back of a Nova.
 
2013-12-04 12:46:00 PM  
What?  Fifty Shades didn't retire this prize for all time? Or did they just slap a Lifetime Achievement Award on it and declare in ineligible?


I personally think this prize needs to be awarded on  a nationally televised awards show with Gilbert Godfred as the permanent host whose duty it is to read all the nominated passages out loud
 
2013-12-04 12:48:20 PM  
She had breasts like a woman and there were two. One on the left and the other directly adjacent to the first. Her hand softly caressed them like Walter Ray Williams Jr does to a bowling ball just before he begins his 3 step delivery to pick up a 6-7 split. Soft, circular motions: careful and curious fingers feeling the soft surface and AMF logo.

She said seductively, "I've got nothing better to do for the next five minutes and I'm pretty sure I'm in remission." The way she said it was playful, informative.

He rushed to her, his manhood pointing towards the heavens. "Remove your manhoodie, so I can see you better," she intoned seriously. "Besides, your hoodie point makes you look like a conehead."

"Conehead," he said. "I think you're older than your Facebook profile says you are."

"Oh you know just what to say to a woman! The Coneheads is a cultural reference that transcends time. Touch me everywhere but the four serious spots. I need to get the pumps going!"

"With or without these metal gauntlets?" He suddenly remembered that he was a knight and this was pre-1960s ancient Britain, Europe or Germany.

"Without!" she cried. "Tetanus shots have yet to be invented and your armor plated breast has long since lost it's sheen!" she Procol Harumed.

He touched her everywhere but the money zones. He wanted to but he was a knight and that's one of those things they had to do or they get tossed from the union. Oh yeah. She's been naked since the first paragraph. And she really looked naked. It wasn't like naked and no one would notice. It was like "That chick, in that field way over there? She's naked and looking good."

He groped at her like a drunken female stranger on a medieval bus. And like that drunken medieval stranger, she was totally in to it. "Access has been approved for hands to access areas one and two. Access to areas three and four still pending" she cooed. So he totally went there.

They rolled around in a field of lilacs which covered their horrible body odors pretty well. She said "Take me! Take me now! " And he did.

The End
 
2013-12-04 01:03:12 PM  
I put on my robe and wizard hat.
 
2013-12-04 01:05:17 PM  
It was light and then it was dark.
It was light and then it was dark.
It was light and then it was dark.
It was light and then it was dark.
It was light and then it was dark.
It was light and then it was dark.
Then BANG I went off.

From Confessions of a .38 Special
 
2013-12-04 01:06:38 PM  
The words she spoke in between moans as she came were like a freight train crashing into a milk truck stopped on the railroad tracks at Mingo Junction in Youngstown, Ohio.
 
2013-12-04 01:16:41 PM  
Quarks are power-bottoms.
 
2013-12-04 02:20:27 PM  

Delta1212: Top or bottom quarks?

strange, definitely strange quarks.

My manhood was like the Large Hadron Collider, buried deep inside her earth, fertile like the Swiss soil after a summer rain, but less rocky and mountainous.  As I thrusted many times, not as many times as the number of collisions that occur during an average day of high-energy particle physics experiments at Fermi Labs in Batavia, Illinois, I had achieved a level of excitement that only sub-atomic particles like the top quark achieve at high energies.  My seed shot out of me at high speeds and into her female cavity, millions of sperm making tracks like a cloud chamber, traveling at non-relativistic speeds of course, not relativistic, mind you, and we merged as one, like a proton/anti-proton collision.
It felt like an eternity before we could finally speak.
"So, how was it?"
She replied, "It was as good as discovering the Higgs Boson, and I state this with a six sigma level of statistical confidence."
 
2013-12-04 02:24:54 PM  

iheartscotch: I'm a big fan of any series or book that describes sex using the adjectives crazy and monkey.


Then your love my new up coming book, What We Learned from the Monkeys. It's a romantic fiction about a passionate love affair with Jane Goodall, weeks in the sweaty Congo mountain tops learning the ways of crazy monkey sex by watching and imitating the apes.

/It'll be available on Amazon somewhere in between the week before Christmas and never.
 
2013-12-04 02:45:37 PM  

tjsands1118: iheartscotch: I'm a big fan of any series or book that describes sex using the adjectives crazy and monkey.

Then your love my new up coming book, What We Learned from the Monkeys. It's a romantic fiction about a passionate love affair with Jane Goodall, weeks in the sweaty Congo mountain tops learning the ways of crazy monkey sex by watching and imitating the apes.

/It'll be available on Amazon somewhere in between the week before Christmas and never.


Someone has probably written it already. If you can come up with dinosaur erotica, which is a lucrative business; gay cuttlefish erotica; gay shape-shifting kitten/firefighter erotica; miniature women/ant colony porn; garden gnome gangbangs and other inanimate objects; and Bigfoot, anything is possible.
Jane Goodall being influenced by the chimps of Gombe is NOTHING.
 
2013-12-04 03:15:06 PM  

eyeq360: Delta1212: Top or bottom quarks?
strange, definitely strange quarks.

My manhood was like the Large Hadron Collider, buried deep inside her earth, fertile like the Swiss soil after a summer rain, but less rocky and mountainous.  As I thrusted many times, not as many times as the number of collisions that occur during an average day of high-energy particle physics experiments at Fermi Labs in Batavia, Illinois, I had achieved a level of excitement that only sub-atomic particles like the top quark achieve at high energies.  My seed shot out of me at high speeds and into her female cavity, millions of sperm making tracks like a cloud chamber, traveling at non-relativistic speeds of course, not relativistic, mind you, and we merged as one, like a proton/anti-proton collision.
It felt like an eternity before we could finally speak.
"So, how was it?"
She replied, "It was as good as discovering the Higgs Boson, and I state this with a six sigma level of statistical confidence."


I am going to now officially rename  gay sex in my mind as the Large hard-on Collider
 
2013-12-04 03:17:39 PM  

Magorn: eyeq360: Delta1212: Top or bottom quarks?
strange, definitely strange quarks.

My manhood was like the Large Hadron Collider, buried deep inside her earth, fertile like the Swiss soil after a summer rain, but less rocky and mountainous.  As I thrusted many times, not as many times as the number of collisions that occur during an average day of high-energy particle physics experiments at Fermi Labs in Batavia, Illinois, I had achieved a level of excitement that only sub-atomic particles like the top quark achieve at high energies.  My seed shot out of me at high speeds and into her female cavity, millions of sperm making tracks like a cloud chamber, traveling at non-relativistic speeds of course, not relativistic, mind you, and we merged as one, like a proton/anti-proton collision.
It felt like an eternity before we could finally speak.
"So, how was it?"
She replied, "It was as good as discovering the Higgs Boson, and I state this with a six sigma level of statistical confidence."

I am going to now officially rename  gay sex in my mind as the Large hard-on Collider


Um...you're welcome?
 
2013-12-04 03:39:23 PM  
pocket ninja beats the pants off this guy
 
2013-12-04 06:12:02 PM  

medius: pocket ninja beats the pants off this guy

Pocket Ninja is in a league of his own.  He is the Shakespeare of such posts.
I think that if you compiled all of his posts into one document, it would make for a better book than most of the bestsellers out there.  In my opinion, his stream of consciousness posts seem natural and unforced, and not mental diarrhea composed of disjointed words and phrases.  Of course, some of his better posts, to the untrained reader, seem like aphasic word salads that do not make any sense, but they have an inner structure and a lyrical and poetic nature that create a kaleidoscope of mental images that make for sheer Internet win.  The phrases tickle the mind with their cleverness and word usage.  He is an original that is often imitated by lesser FARK denizens, but cannot be outdone, as it is a style of his own.
 
2013-12-05 01:26:03 AM  
I did your Mom last night.

There .. that's way worse ..
 
2013-12-05 02:36:46 AM  
They missed the best one.
img.fark.net
Next year I hope to nominate the erotic fanfiction with Chell from Portal and Gordon Freeman from Half Life.
 
2013-12-05 10:08:53 AM  

Magorn: What?  Fifty Shades didn't retire this prize for all time? Or did they just slap a Lifetime Achievement Award on it and declare in ineligible?


I still giggle at "puckered love cave." If you really want a laugh at some similar treasures, here's the tumblr account for it (NSFW).
 
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