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(io9)   10 most unintentionally funny lines in all of Star Trek   (io9.com ) divider line
    More: Amusing, Star Trek  
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14325 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 26 Nov 2013 at 9:34 PM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-11-27 08:11:46 AM  
BATMANATEE: Mugato: BATMANATEE: You've forgotten the 1937 Ford half-ton that starts on the first try after floating in space for 200 years.

.. and when it starts, it backfires startling Tuvok(sp?) the highly trained tactical officer, causing to look behind him then up to the ceiling.

If you can't tell a noise came from in front and below you, perhaps you shouldn't be a tactical officer.

// Welcome to the idiocy that is... Voyager.
 
2013-11-27 08:14:35 AM  
Kif, I've mated with a woman. Inform the crew.
 
2013-11-27 08:15:47 AM  
Eh, there were a handful of good Voyager episodes.  I've been selectively viewing them via Netflix.  Yep, the doc and 7 of 9 were the standouts.  All of the other characters were bland though they tried and tried to liven them up. There's a reason most of these actors didn't go anywhere.

I did like the Delta Flyer race episode, it was a fresh idea.  The Q on trial was good.  What happens to explorers who have explored everything?  Good sci-fi.  I quit around season 5 but I'm not plowing through the bad shows for a gem or two.

I think this weekend I'll finally watch the last few episodes and see how they get home.
 
2013-11-27 08:24:22 AM  

Tannhauser: I think this weekend I'll finally watch the last few episodes and see how they get home


Spoiler Alert: it's stupid.
 
2013-11-27 08:30:29 AM  

puckrock2000: [images3.wikia.nocookie.net image 325x396]

"Do not hug me."
"Sir, I protest; I am not a merry man!"
"You are an insulting pompous fool, and if you were not an ambassador I would disembowel you right here!"
"Nice hat."


"You are fully dilated, you may now deliver the baby."
 
2013-11-27 08:41:52 AM  
"Excuse me... What does God need with a dildo?" (Offscreen: 'a starship!') "A starship, that's the line? Well that doesn't make any sense either!"
 
2013-11-27 09:15:36 AM  

born_yesterday: Quick!  Someone show this guy Jeri Ryan's tits!

/Apparently worked on the rest of the viewers
//Pretty sure Berman's motto was LOL Star Trek


As a female I am immune to Tits of Borg and her ever tightening corset.  Now bring me a lubed Jason Carter (Marcus from B5) in the Chippendale outfit and I might be more liniment.

Seriously the worse that shows ratings got the tighter they laced Jeri.
 
2013-11-27 09:16:17 AM  
All there comments, and not one  "Are you out of your Vulcan Mind!?!?"

No nerds in here.
 
2013-11-27 09:24:05 AM  

Vaneshi: born_yesterday: Quick!  Someone show this guy Jeri Ryan's tits!

/Apparently worked on the rest of the viewers
//Pretty sure Berman's motto was LOL Star Trek

As a female I am immune to Tits of Borg and her ever tightening corset.  Now bring me a lubed Jason Carter (Marcus from B5) in the Chippendale outfit and I might be more liniment.

Seriously the worse that shows ratings got the tighter they laced Jeri.


See also Enterprise:  Uh oh, ratings are dropping!  Time for another oiled-up decontamination room scene!
 
2013-11-27 09:31:21 AM  

born_yesterday: See also Enterprise:  Uh oh, ratings are dropping!  Time for another oiled-up decontamination room scene!


Pilot episode.  Transporters are mentioned now being human rated and certified for all uses, although the crew 'distrust' them.  That's the crew of a starship with a prototype and untested matter/anti-matter reactor at its heart... distrust a piece of technology that has more safety certificates than their ships own engine.

So a lot of those oiled up scenes they didn't need to do if the crew of the most advanced human made starship weren't complete technophobes.

And don't get me started on the time travelling alien Nazi's with laser shooting Stuka's.
 
2013-11-27 09:43:57 AM  

born_yesterday: Quick! Someone show this guy Jeri Ryan's tits!


lh3.ggpht.com

Will this do?
 
2013-11-27 09:45:39 AM  

Vaneshi: Pilot episode.  Transporters are mentioned now being human rated and certified for all uses, although the crew 'distrust' them.  That's the crew of a starship with a prototype and untested matter/anti-matter reactor at its heart... distrust a piece of technology that has more safety certificates than their ships own engine.


Yeah it sucks that they immediately had the transporter. In fact all their tech was too advanced.
 
2013-11-27 09:52:12 AM  

Mugato: Vaneshi: Pilot episode.  Transporters are mentioned now being human rated and certified for all uses, although the crew 'distrust' them.  That's the crew of a starship with a prototype and untested matter/anti-matter reactor at its heart... distrust a piece of technology that has more safety certificates than their ships own engine.

Yeah it sucks that they immediately had the transporter. In fact all their tech was too advanced.



The transporter was always impossible. Roddenberry came up with it as a way of getting the actors to the "planet" sets without having to have shots of them getting into shuttles and flying to the surface. It saved time and money when the show was always short of both.
 
2013-11-27 09:53:26 AM  
1.bp.blogspot.com
"Data was available, I took him, we came"

/Just thought of that one a cpl days ago, after literally 20 years
//Can't seem to make the picture smaller
 
2013-11-27 10:00:10 AM  

GRCooper: It wasn't a line, but it was pretty funny when Luke kissed his sister


i756.photobucket.com
 
2013-11-27 10:06:16 AM  

Mugato: In fact all their tech was too advanced.


And too primitive at the same time. NX-01's computer didn't even have basic voice controls, a feature that is available on all top tier modern cell phones and considering it was designed to fight it lacked ablative armour, something you'd find on a lot of modern tanks.  It was also nothing more than an inverted Akira class, which the design team openly admitted so the ship looked way more advanced and Federation that it should of from the outset.

Then we come to Star Trek: Nemesis and the QuickShot Pro control column...  because yes a 4 axis 2 button joystick is a perfect control interface for something that can move freely in all 3 dimensions.
 
2013-11-27 10:16:38 AM  

give me doughnuts: The transporter was always impossible. Roddenberry came up with it as a way of getting the actors to the "planet" sets without having to have shots of them getting into shuttles and flying to the surface. It saved time and money when the show was always short of both.


I don't know, teleportation may well be possible with a few unpleasant side effects such as for an instant there would be two of you; before the transmitting station literally killed the old you.  And there may be long term and cumulative degenerative side effects of being reassembled repeatedly due molecules not necessarily being put back where they should.

I admit there is a great deal of difference between teleporting a few photons and a complex organism but perhaps in 200 years or so someone would think of a way of doing it; not that I'd want to use it with out the scifi bollocks of the Heisenberg compensator you understand.

But yes the Trek transporter system was 'invented' because the shimmer effect was cheaper than building a shuttle set.  Hence Roddenberry wrote a specific episode that made use of the shuttle.
 
2013-11-27 10:29:23 AM  

vudukungfu: All there comments, and not one  "Are you out of your Vulcan Mind!?!?"

No nerds in here.


Thank you!  I was looking for this one.  Not even a Trekkie and I still use this one all of the time.
 
2013-11-27 10:32:48 AM  

fusillade762: "You became sexually aroused in my body!"

I'm not sure that one qualifies as "unintentionally" funny.


A lot of those "unintentionally funny" lines were intentional, though I'll admit some were funnier than others in practice.
 
2013-11-27 10:41:30 AM  
3) "I did fall asleep reading a particularly erotic chapter in my grandmother's journal." - TNG, "Sub Rosa"

Not funny. just creepy.
 
2013-11-27 10:46:33 AM  
J.J. Abrams blinding lens flares are pretty funny lines.
 
2013-11-27 11:06:32 AM  

Vaneshi: give me doughnuts: The transporter was always impossible. Roddenberry came up with it as a way of getting the actors to the "planet" sets without having to have shots of them getting into shuttles and flying to the surface. It saved time and money when the show was always short of both.

I don't know, teleportation may well be possible with a few unpleasant side effects such as for an instant there would be two of you; before the transmitting station literally killed the old you.  And there may be long term and cumulative degenerative side effects of being reassembled repeatedly due molecules not necessarily being put back where they should.

I admit there is a great deal of difference between teleporting a few photons and a complex organism but perhaps in 200 years or so someone would think of a way of doing it; not that I'd want to use it with out the scifi bollocks of the Heisenberg compensator you understand.



Tracking and cataloging the exact position and energy state of every elementary particle in a human body (a number rivaled by the number of stars in the Universe); converting all of that matter into energy (BOOOOOM!); transmitting it to another location (without melting the transmitter and antenna, or the spot where you want to reassemble); and then converting it back into (living) matter?

A recent study quoted by the National Institute of Health estimated that there are approximately 3.72 X 10^13 cells in an adult human body.
There are an estimated 10^14 atoms in each of those cells.

That's about 3.72 X 10^27 atoms (3,720,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000), each of which contains varying numbers of  protons, neutrons, and electrons. Each of which will need to have a few bits of RAM dedicated to remembering position, speed, spin, and energy level, etc.
 
2013-11-27 11:18:07 AM  
give me doughnuts: ...  A recent study quoted by the National Institute of Health estimated that there are approximately 3.72 X 10^13 cells in an adult human body.There are an estimated 10^14 atoms in each of those cells.

That's about 3.72 X 10^27 atoms (3,720,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000), each of which contains varying numbers of  protons, neutrons, and electrons. Each of which will need to have a few bits of RAM dedicated to remembering position, speed, spin, and energy level, etc.


If I clear out some of my porn stash, I just might have enough space on my external drive.
 
2013-11-27 11:18:23 AM  

Vaneshi: Then we come to Star Trek: Nemesis and the QuickShot Pro control column... because yes a 4 axis 2 button joystick is a perfect control interface for something that can move freely in all 3 dimensions.


www.ejectionsite.com
Seems to work OK. Just needs a twist rudder axis.

Not like ships in Star Trek obeyed the laws of physics to being with, they fly around like they are in an atmosphere all the time. Momentum and inertia, how the fark do they work?
 
2013-11-27 11:51:43 AM  

Vaneshi: And too primitive at the same time. NX-01's computer didn't even have basic voice controls, a feature that is available on all top tier modern cell phones and considering it was designed to fight it lacked ablative armour, something you'd find on a lot of modern tanks.  It was also nothing more than an inverted Akira class, which the design team openly admitted so the ship looked way more advanced and Federation that it should of from the outset.


No.They.Did.Not. One designer even posted an aircraft carrier from 1940 with its 2000-era counterpart, with many of the same exact design points as an example of basic designs that last for decades.
As for controls, they were trying to not be too advanced because it was a prequel to TOS.

Then we come to Star Trek: Nemesis and the QuickShot Pro control column...  because yes a 4 axis 2 button joystick is a perfect control interface for something that can move freely in all 3 dimensions.

That was Insurrection.
Nemesis had the dune buggy.
 
2013-11-27 12:48:23 PM  
I once handed our office IT guy an old, malfunctioning Bberry for inspection before requesting a replacement.  He fiddled with it awhile then looked up at me with a grim expression and said, "She's dead, Jim."

Which instantly made that my favorite ST line.
 
2013-11-27 12:50:34 PM  

SoupJohnB: I once handed our office IT guy an old, malfunctioning Bberry for inspection before requesting a replacement.  He fiddled with it awhile then looked up at me with a grim expression and said, "She's dead, Jim."

Which instantly made that my favorite ST line.

Meant to say, my name ain't 'Jim.'

 
2013-11-27 12:54:59 PM  

give me doughnuts: The transporter was always impossible. Roddenberry came up with it as a way of getting the actors to the "planet" sets without having to have shots of them getting into shuttles and flying to the surface. It saved time and money when the show was always short of both.


I heard they couldn't afford a shuttelcraft in the first season. I don't think it as an issue of time. They could easily cut from the shuttle bay to the planet without a detailed travel log of their journey. Instead they have a goofy plot device that really doesn't make much sense. At the very least they could have found a way to weaponize it beyond the one time in that one V'ger episode.

Vaneshi: teleportation may well be possible with a few unpleasant side effects such as for an instant there would be two of you; before the transmitting station literally killed the old you.


I think that would be a deal breaker, you're literally committing suicide every time you want to get somewhere without a shuttle. And just like using the transporter as a weapon, they only used it to cure a disease once before forgetting about it.

The reboot could have fixed a lot of this but didn't.
 
2013-11-27 01:18:25 PM  
peterthx:

No.They.Did.Not.

They can be quoted as saying fans of the Akira are going to love the NX-01.   It's an upside down Akira with some very minor tinkering.

And yes it's a prequel to TOS... with instrumentation that is more primitive than people have on their desks currently.
 
2013-11-27 01:19:48 PM  

Gleeman: Not like ships in Star Trek obeyed the laws of physics to being with, they fly around like they are in an atmosphere all the time. Momentum and inertia, how the fark do they work?


Depends which Star Trek you're talking about. It wasn't until DS9 that we ever saw a star-ship swoop. Prior to that, they mostly behaved like naval ships. "Balance of Terror" (easily the most thrilling TOS episode) treated them like submarines.
 
2013-11-27 01:45:41 PM  

Mugato: give me doughnuts: The transporter was always impossible. Roddenberry came up with it as a way of getting the actors to the "planet" sets without having to have shots of them getting into shuttles and flying to the surface. It saved time and money when the show was always short of both.

I heard they couldn't afford a shuttelcraft in the first season. I don't think it as an issue of time. They could easily cut from the shuttle bay to the planet without a detailed travel log of their journey. Instead they have a goofy plot device that really doesn't make much sense. At the very least they could have found a way to weaponize it beyond the one time in that one V'ger episode.

Vaneshi: teleportation may well be possible with a few unpleasant side effects such as for an instant there would be two of you; before the transmitting station literally killed the old you.

I think that would be a deal breaker, you're literally committing suicide every time you want to get somewhere without a shuttle. And just like using the transporter as a weapon, they only used it to cure a disease once before forgetting about it.

The reboot could have fixed a lot of this but didn't.


They had a shuttlecract in the first season and an episode all about it - "The Galileo Seven." The reason given and generally accepted is that showing a ship of any kind landing on a different planet every week was incredibly expensive.  We never actually saw the shuttlecraft land in any episode it was featured in.

This had nothing to do with the time it took to show the crew boarding a shuttlecraft.  Many episodes used the turbolift to allow time to use in exposition before beaming down - these scenes could easily have been used for boarding and flying if that was the case.

(In LOST IN SPACE, which I do like quite a bit, they showed the Jupiter-2 and their Space Pod landing a few times, but because of the re-use of SFX in the day, they were only shown occasionally).

The transporters were incredibly cost-effective.  They didn't even have to show the crew beaming both off and on - just have them go to the platform, then shift over to the controls, then jump to the planet for the beam in.
 
2013-11-27 02:09:14 PM  

COMALite J: So, why didn't Voyager go home right then and there!? They could easily have Warp 10ed to Deep Space Nine or some Starbase, then beamed everyone aboard, restoring their molecular backups (making one shortly prior to Warp 10 just to be safe and to have the most recent version) in the process!


I'm sure lots of other people noticed this, just as I did, but it's curiously refreshing to see it in print. Thank you. Together, we survivors can overcome the psychological horror of the suckfest that was  Voyager.
 
2013-11-27 03:06:59 PM  
Star Trek... not a funny show.
 
2013-11-27 03:24:23 PM  

t3knomanser: Depends which Star Trek you're talking about. It wasn't until DS9 that we ever saw a star-ship swoop. Prior to that, they mostly behaved like naval ships. "Balance of Terror" (easily the most thrilling TOS episode) treated them like submarines.


This was a limitation of how the effects were created giving rise to an art style more than anything.  You have a sculpted model on a gimble.  There are only so many directions it can move in at once without resetting and even moving to a different model with a different mount point.

The cut over to CGI is most apparent in Voyager of all places, the season 3 opened with Species 8473 (or was it S4?) Voyager moves smoothly through all 3 axis to avoid incoming fire whilst the nacelle animation plays. That was not something that could of been done with a model.  The downside of CGI, that everything tends to look shiny and new, works to the benefit of Star Trek as Federation ships are somewhat uniform white.

Unfortunately they never really show that sort of manoeuvrability again.
 
2013-11-27 03:24:59 PM  
8472 bah.
 
2013-11-27 03:57:10 PM  

OnlyM3: BATMANATEE: Mugato: BATMANATEE: You've forgotten the 1937 Ford half-ton that starts on the first try after floating in space for 200 years.
.. and when it starts, it backfires startling Tuvok(sp?) the highly trained tactical officer, causing to look behind him then up to the ceiling.

If you can't tell a noise came from in front and below you, perhaps you shouldn't be a tactical officer.

// Welcome to the idiocy that is... Voyager.


SF Debris' Star Trek reviews are a highlight of my Saturdays
 
2013-11-27 06:14:14 PM  
Slightly off topic, but does JJ Abrams remind anybody else of Joel Fleischman from Northern Exposure?
 
2013-11-27 06:24:44 PM  

t3knomanser: Gleeman: Not like ships in Star Trek obeyed the laws of physics to being with, they fly around like they are in an atmosphere all the time. Momentum and inertia, how the fark do they work?

Depends which Star Trek you're talking about. It wasn't until DS9 that we ever saw a star-ship swoop. Prior to that, they mostly behaved like naval ships. "Balance of Terror" (easily the most thrilling TOS episode) treated them like submarines.


Almost forgot that episode. The conversation also reminds me of Star Wars, space combat in those 3 films were basically WW2 aerial battles set in space.


But they almost always get a pass from fans, because Star Wars...

Currently skipping through DS9 on Netflix, one thing that bugs me about that show is how shield effectiveness is so arbitrary. Just about every significant battle has early direct hits on the runabouts or station regardless of shield status, basically the Worf Effect on all the equipment in the show. The JemHadar weapons can find our shield frequency? "Oh no we have to rotate shield frequency!" Apparently everyone in Star Fleet completely forgot anything they learned fighting the Borg...never mind the idea of shields having a frequency...or shields for that matter.

They also did away with the NextGen spherical shield scattering the phasers effect, which was disappointing.
 
2013-11-27 06:33:53 PM  

Vaneshi: COMALite J: dithering idiots

And that's why the whole series is known as "Kathy can't drive".  The show is a mess from start to finish, in the same episode with the floating space truck you have the Helmsman state a speed for the ship... which may or may not be accurate compared to other in universe fluff:

1.  Nobody corrects him, nobody even looks surprised at him over stating the ships capabilities, its implied he is correct.
2. That speed puts Voyager less than 10 years from Sol.

Voyager is a deep space long rage scout, it's top of the line and fully stocked for an extended cruise, the Federation are well aware and make use of stasis systems.  Federation technology is exceptionally reliable.   At no point does Kathy throw everyone in to stasis pods and let the computer drive them home at max speed.   The Borg would of ignored it, the Kazon and others wouldn't of been able to catch it. And anything it couldn't outrun the computer could of nailed to the wall with vastly superior, Federation, weapons of which it had lots..

At a few points they state their location, they are moving AWAY FROM not towards Sol.

Speaking of the Borg, the queen is demonstrated to be exceptionally capricious, easily angered and not very bright.  Janeway simply needed to tell her directly that the Kazon thought they could take the Borg (i.e. lie) and let the fireworks happen whilst she legged it. Hell the queen would of probably had that sphere TOW the ship through the transwarp network in exchange for all those new people to 'help towards perfection'.

If that show had a bible, a big document that writers had to refer to in order to make the show consistent, it had only these words in it "LOL Star Trek".


That was beautiful, man.
 
2013-11-27 08:50:58 PM  
My favorite Trek quote is from ToS:

'Logic is a wreath of pretty flowers, that smell bad'
  - Spock

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wlMegqgGORY

END COMMUNICATION
 
2013-11-28 01:04:24 AM  
This is a deleted scene.

Spocks Brain. McCoy is "piloting" spock's body with his laughable remote. Nimoy is doing that zombie walk but his sleeve snags a branch just enough to throw his stride slightly.

Doohan, re the automation device, ad libs: I think she pulls to one side, doctor.

// I am the Croesus of nerd points.
 
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