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(Slate)   Help, my new wife, who told me she was agnostic, was already married to Christ. Now she wants to Menage a Trois with our Lord and Savior. Help   (slate.com ) divider line
    More: Amusing, Bride of Christ, jesus, marriage counsels, bait and switches, Gone Girl, Emily Yoffe, faiths  
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10357 clicks; posted to Main » on 25 Nov 2013 at 4:36 PM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-11-25 06:18:11 PM  
I like Pru's answer. "...you should go directly to a lawyer, or try a stab...". What? There's more. Whist.
 
2013-11-25 06:24:56 PM  

what_now: Wait...this is a thing? People lie about being religious to "trap" their partner into marriage?


I wondered that, too.  Someone in the comments section on Slate said there's a "thing" called "missionary marriage" whereby Christians marry (and then forcibly convert?) their atheist/agnostic/unbelieving/unChristian spouses.
 
2013-11-25 06:29:18 PM  

Tax Boy: spiderpaz: Now, instead of our not wanting any kids, she wants at least five and maybe more.

well think of it this way --  at least your wife wants sex



He could secretly get snipped and fark her brains out in revenge (provided she has any brains at all).
 
2013-11-25 06:29:45 PM  
the amusing thing here is the way that internet atheists are too farking dumb (or perhaps just willfully obtuse) to grasp the idea that agony aunts make up the letters they answer
 
2013-11-25 06:33:17 PM  

letrole: the amusing thing here is the way that internet atheists are too farking dumb (or perhaps just willfully obtuse) to grasp the idea that agony aunts make up the letters they answer


You're still boring.
 
2013-11-25 07:04:12 PM  
Send her off to meet Jesus and get things started.
Tell her you will join them later.
 
2013-11-25 07:06:41 PM  
She sounds real solid on her most personal views and values since she was ashamed to share them with a guy she was considering marrying.
 
2013-11-25 07:10:14 PM  
That can't possibly be real?
 
2013-11-25 07:21:17 PM  
Compromise:  You do the religious thing but she has to obey the husband as the bible says.

Sounds like a pretty easy answer to me.  :)
 
2013-11-25 07:30:05 PM  

BolshyGreatYarblocks: Charlie Chingas: Guess she wanted Jesus inside her.

Oh God, YES!

[lh4.ggpht.com image 400x228]


It's not known as "The Ecstasy of Saint Theresa" for nothing, ya know.

"I saw in his hand a long spear of gold, and at the point there seemed to be a little fire. He appeared to me to be thrusting it at times into my heart, and to pierce my very entrails; when he drew it out, he seemed to draw them out also, and to leave me all on fire with a great love of God. The pain was so great, that it made me moan; and yet so surpassing was the sweetness of this excessive pain, that I could not wish to be rid of it...http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teresa_of_%C3%81vila
 
2013-11-25 07:47:34 PM  

Heamer: Contrary to popular belief, the surprisology faction of the Catholic church hasn't been dying off, but rather simply lying in wait.


You know, we really should have seen that coming.
 
2013-11-25 08:02:23 PM  

cnocnanrionnag: Re: the veracity of the man's 'letter'...

CSB:   In the 1980's I began to date a woman.  Things went great.  We talked, and agreed upon many issues.  Kids? Yep, a couple.  Religion?  Nope, atheists both.  Politics? Liberal both.  etc. etc. right down the line.  Perfect.  After a year she moved in with me.  Perfect.  Until it all unravelled in one morning:
Me:  Nice day, what about an outing?  Zoo?  Waterfront?
Her:  Nope, can't today.
Me: Oh, not well? Better idea?
Her:  No, just can't go out today.
Me:  Why not?  You're sure you're ok?
Her:  No, I can't!!  It's not the right day.
Me:  Right day?  Explanation?
Her:  My chart.  My chart says I can't go out today.
Me:  What chart? To what do you refer?
Her:  <shows me an astrological chart, very detailed for each day, clearly says to stay indoors that day>
Me:  WTF etc.
Her:  <crying>  I knew this would happen, I knew it....

Subsequent conversation revealed that she paid an astrologer $100 a month for this detailed chart and she farking well followed it and had done so for many years.   I am a card-carrying skeptic and her not revealing this during courtship as well as the mere fact that she would follow this woo-woo astrology shiat (or that I  would never do so)  ended the relationship then and there.

So potential partners DO hide stuff about themselves in order to further a relationship.  Even deep core values.

Bonus punchline:  Her 'chart' about me called me the best husband material she could ever find.  She showed it to me as a 'reason' we should stay together and try to work things out.

Yeah, right.


CSB backatcha:

Dated a woman for over 6 years, late 20's to early 30's. Both of us young, educated, white collar professionals. Her family were Holy Rollers; Jesus was a part of most discussions and her mother spoke in tongues during services. Their daughter was, how shall I say, not so straight and narrow. She and all her friends smoked pot, she liked to get freaky, and she was apologetic about her crazy family when they laid on the proselytizing especially heavy at Easter, Christmas, etc. We both just smiled and nodded a lot when with her family and there was no conflict. At all. We moved in together after the first year, and had been blissfully happy for over four years when I proposed and she accepted.

The engagement announcement to her family was met with two reactions. Publicly they hugged me, said congratulations, and told me welcome to the family. Behind closed doors they took my fiance aside and told her I'd need to convert and become born again if I was going to marry their daughter. She resisted at first, but about the time we're sending out wedding invitations she comes home and announces that she's been re-baptized and has accepted Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior. I'm dumbfounded, but I tell her if it makes her happy then we'll make it work.

A few weeks later we head over to her parents' house for dinner. No special occasion, just a family dinner. When I walk in the door there are 25+ people crammed in the living room all seated in a semi-circle and looking at me. My fiance's mother then announces that this is an intervention for my eternal soul, and I see the crowd includes their pastor, extended family, and even a couple of our "mutual" friends that attended the same church. I felt like I'd just walked into the mating ceremony in Rosemary's Baby. The pastor then explains that everyone in the room loves me and that my fiance had arranged the intervention so that I could find Christ. It then is made clear that if I'm not willing to get born again my fiance is planning to call off the wedding. After talking with her privately for a few minutes I said goodbye and left without a word to the assembled cabal.

I saw my former fiance once after that; she came to our condo with a bunch of dudes to remove her belongings and take half of mine. I didn't object- it was a small price to pay for being saved.
 
2013-11-25 08:10:07 PM  
This is so obviously fake, even the Agony Aunt it's written to suspects as much. The primary reason being because Catholic and most Protestant/Evangelical/Fundie teaching states you shouldn't marry nonbelievers.

Some redditor or /b/tard is laughing his ass off over all the erstwhile secularists clucking their tongues indignantly because of his little troll.

Of course somebody had to create a Wikipedia page about this new phenomenon of missionary dating. It references an about.com article and an atheist dating guide, both of which mention their examples are strictly hypothetical. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Missionary_dating

I swear, sometimes people are so credulous.
 
2013-11-25 08:20:28 PM  

exick: Marcus Aurelius: Sounds fake to me.  I never met a fervent Christian that could keep it under wraps.  Unless she's one of those girls that simply said anything it took to rope a hubby in and now she's going to implement her "real" plan.  In which case you pack your shiat and leave immediately.

And don't ever, ever look back. Not even for a second. If it's not fake, it's Grade A crazy that you don't want to be within 100 miles of, religion or not.


Only 100? How about 2000 or across large bodies of water. If you can't make it impossible for them to get to you, then you can at least have enough distance so that you can see them coming on the horizon and prepare your tower defense.
 
2013-11-25 08:28:57 PM  
Had a few Mormon friends who described a conversion strategy they had been taught at church: "Date 'em, Dunk 'em, Dump 'em. The three D's.". I became aware of this when one of my friends warned me off dating a cute guy from her church because he had declared me a target of such actions.

"He would never marry you even if you did convert," this friend confided. (As if I was worried about MARRYING someone at the age of 17!) "His family has been Mormon for generations, they frown on wedding converts."

I was so skeeved out at this.
I believe missionary dating exists, but I bet it came into existence as a way for some religious people to justify feelings they had for people it would be utterly unacceptable for them to persue otherwise.
 
2013-11-25 09:13:27 PM  
"Like weaving a rope from hemp, it takes three to make a successful marriage" - actual nautically-themed sermon at the first church wedding I attended. "Husband, wife, and Jesus Christ".

I realized about then that the church's greatest source of power was being able to pimp out the poontang. If the only way to get nookie was to be married and the only way to get married was through church, then suddenly every policy they have about sex and childbirth makes sense behind the lens of growing their population of loyal minions.
 
2013-11-25 09:22:15 PM  

letrole: the amusing thing here is the way that internet atheists are too farking dumb (or perhaps just willfully obtuse) to grasp the idea that agony aunts make up the letters they answer


Trolling is a religion
 
2013-11-25 09:55:05 PM  
I'd be inclined to give her an ultimatum. Reject God and abandon her church, or divorce. Win-win.
 
2013-11-25 09:55:57 PM  

Kymry: Had a few Mormon friends who described a conversion strategy they had been taught at church: "Date 'em, Dunk 'em, Dump 'em. The three D's.". I became aware of this when one of my friends warned me off dating a cute guy from her church because he had declared me a target of such actions.

"He would never marry you even if you did convert," this friend confided. (As if I was worried about MARRYING someone at the age of 17!) "His family has been Mormon for generations, they frown on wedding converts."

I was so skeeved out at this.
I believe missionary dating exists, but I bet it came into existence as a way for some religious people to justify feelings they had for people it would be utterly unacceptable for them to persue otherwise.


If you're dumb enough to date a hyper-religious person, you deserve whatever you get.
 
2013-11-25 10:16:11 PM  

Begoggle: letrole: the amusing thing here is the way that internet atheists are too farking dumb (or perhaps just willfully obtuse) to grasp the idea that agony aunts make up the letters they answer

Trolling is a religion


His surname is Le Trôle.

/my surname is yeah right
 
2013-11-25 10:45:50 PM  
www.blogforarizona.com
 
2013-11-25 11:23:15 PM  

Mouser: Marcus Aurelius: Sounds fake to me.  I never met a fervent Christian that could keep it under wraps.  Unless she's one of those girls that simply said anything it took to rope a hubby in and now she's going to implement her "real" plan.  In which case you pack your shiat and leave immediately.

Given that one of the, if not the, main things about being a fervent Christian is NOT keeping it under wraps, I have to assume that the wife is not the only loon here.



Fervent christians lie all the time. If anything I think their religion makes them more likely to lie, not less. While this letter may very well be made up I don't think the story is all that far-fetched.
 
2013-11-26 12:48:06 AM  

Marcus Aurelius: Sounds fake to me. I never met a fervent Christian that could keep it under wraps. Unless she's one of those girls that simply said anything it took to rope a hubby in and now she's going to implement her "real" plan. In which case you pack your shiat and leave immediately.


I think that's exactly what it is--rope-a-hubby.
 
2013-11-26 02:00:57 AM  

StopLurkListen: The story in the article aside, "agnostic" does not mean "not religious" or "atheist". It's more of a "decline to state".


O.o
 
2013-11-26 05:16:06 AM  

StopLurkListen: BolshyGreatYarblocks: Charlie Chingas: Guess she wanted Jesus inside her.

Oh God, YES!

[lh4.ggpht.com image 400x228]

It's not known as "The Ecstasy of Saint Theresa" for nothing, ya know.

"I saw in his hand a long spear of gold, and at the point there seemed to be a little fire. He appeared to me to be thrusting it at times into my heart, and to pierce my very entrails; when he drew it out, he seemed to draw them out also, and to leave me all on fire with a great love of God. The pain was so great, that it made me moan; and yet so surpassing was the sweetness of this excessive pain, that I could not wish to be rid of it... "  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teresa_of_%C3%81vila


Farking catholics, what a twisted bunch.
 
2013-11-26 06:51:34 AM  

cnocnanrionnag: Re: the veracity of the man's 'letter'...

CSB:   In the 1980's I began to date a woman.  Things went great.  We talked, and agreed upon many issues.  Kids? Yep, a couple.  Religion?  Nope, atheists both.  Politics? Liberal both.  etc. etc. right down the line.  Perfect.  After a year she moved in with me.  Perfect.  Until it all unravelled in one morning:
Me:  Nice day, what about an outing?  Zoo?  Waterfront?
Her:  Nope, can't today.
Me: Oh, not well? Better idea?
Her:  No, just can't go out today.
Me:  Why not?  You're sure you're ok?
Her:  No, I can't!!  It's not the right day.
Me:  Right day?  Explanation?
Her:  My chart.  My chart says I can't go out today.
Me:  What chart? To what do you refer?
Her:  <shows me an astrological chart, very detailed for each day, clearly says to stay indoors that day>
Me:  WTF etc.
Her:  <crying>  I knew this would happen, I knew it....

Subsequent conversation revealed that she paid an astrologer $100 a month for this detailed chart and she farking well followed it and had done so for many years.   I am a card-carrying skeptic and her not revealing this during courtship as well as the mere fact that she would follow this woo-woo astrology shiat (or that I  would never do so)  ended the relationship then and there.

So potential partners DO hide stuff about themselves in order to further a relationship.  Even deep core values.

Bonus punchline:  Her 'chart' about me called me the best husband material she could ever find.  She showed it to me as a 'reason' we should stay together and try to work things out.

Yeah, right.


Seems to me you missed the opportunity to slip the astrologer $200 a month, and get the perfect wife for the rest of your life.  "Oh, no, honey, your chart says it's 'Steak and BJ Day' again...third time this week.  What are the odds?"
 
2013-11-26 07:22:52 AM  

Albertan: This is so obviously fake, even the Agony Aunt it's written to suspects as much. The primary reason being because Catholic and most Protestant/Evangelical/Fundie teaching states you shouldn't marry nonbelievers.

Some redditor or /b/tard is laughing his ass off over all the erstwhile secularists clucking their tongues indignantly because of his little troll.

Of course somebody had to create a Wikipedia page about this new phenomenon of missionary dating. It references an about.com article and an atheist dating guide, both of which mention their examples are strictly hypothetical. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Missionary_dating

I swear, sometimes people are so credulous.


I don't believe you.
 
2013-11-26 08:23:43 AM  

caddisfly: I saw my former fiance once after that; she came to our condo with a bunch of dudes to remove her belongings and take half of mine. I didn't object- it was a small price to pay for being saved.


Why did they take half your stuff?
 
2013-11-26 09:37:05 AM  
The ones I feel bad for are the couples that have a multi-year marriage with a lot of time and emotional investment, then seemingly out of nowhere one of them (usually the wife) decides to get some Jesus and goes fundamental.  Suddenly after 20 years dude is looking for something to do five nights a week while she's hanging out at the Vision of Life Redeemed By His Love Church of Everlasting Truth (Primative-Reformed).
 
2013-11-26 10:19:35 AM  

SBinRR: The ones I feel bad for are the couples that have a multi-year marriage with a lot of time and emotional investment, then seemingly out of nowhere one of them (usually the wife) decides to get some Jesus and goes fundamental.  Suddenly after 20 years dude is looking for something to do five nights a week while she's hanging out at the Vision of Life Redeemed By His Love Church of Everlasting Truth (Primative-Reformed).


Most of these situations the wife(or husband, it happens the other way sometimes too) was already Christian, and is reacting to a traumatic life event.
 
2013-11-26 10:41:37 AM  

ikanreed: SBinRR: The ones I feel bad for are the couples that have a multi-year marriage with a lot of time and emotional investment, then seemingly out of nowhere one of them (usually the wife) decides to get some Jesus and goes fundamental.  Suddenly after 20 years dude is looking for something to do five nights a week while she's hanging out at the Vision of Life Redeemed By His Love Church of Everlasting Truth (Primative-Reformed).

Most of these situations the wife(or husband, it happens the other way sometimes too) was already Christian, and is reacting to a traumatic life event.


That happened to my sister and her hubby. He tried to hang on for a few years after she went all fundie, but eventually he divorced her. He just couldn't take it anymore. I'm of the opinion that she has an undiagnosed personality disorder that has gotten worse over the years. And I think that her love of the Fox/Beck/Palin insanity machine over the years didn't help things. She didn't work and had all the time in the word to be exposed to the "liberal" media, while he was working 2 jobs to support them.
 
2013-11-26 10:48:15 AM  

Satanic_Hamster: Now, instead of our not wanting any kids, she wants at least five and maybe more. Instead of no religion, she wants strict adherence to her religion. I feel I've been duped and that she's lied to me about herself. Is there any way out of this short of divorce?

Until she drops all her demands, only stick it in her pooper.

Either way you'll come out ahead and she'll come out behind.


Marcus Aurelius: Sounds fake to me.  I never met a fervent Christian that could keep it under wraps.  Unless she's one of those girls that simply said anything it took to rope a hubby in and now she's going to implement her "real" plan.  In which case you pack your shiat and leave immediately.


make up your minds guys, who's shiat is getting packed here?
 
2013-11-26 11:26:55 AM  

Medic Zero: StopLurkListen: BolshyGreatYarblocks: Charlie Chingas: Guess she wanted Jesus inside her.

Oh God, YES!

[lh4.ggpht.com image 400x228]

It's not known as "The Ecstasy of Saint Theresa" for nothing, ya know.

"I saw in his hand a long spear of gold, and at the point there seemed to be a little fire. He appeared to me to be thrusting it at times into my heart, and to pierce my very entrails; when he drew it out, he seemed to draw them out also, and to leave me all on fire with a great love of God. The pain was so great, that it made me moan; and yet so surpassing was the sweetness of this excessive pain, that I could not wish to be rid of it... "  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teresa_of_%C3%81vila

Farking catholics, what a twisted bunch.


Nothing like repressed sexual desires in plaid skirts...
 
2013-11-26 12:37:29 PM  

Satanic_Hamster: caddisfly: I saw my former fiance once after that; she came to our condo with a bunch of dudes to remove her belongings and take half of mine. I didn't object- it was a small price to pay for being saved.

Why did they take half your stuff?


I never asked. We lived together for over 5 years. She took half of everything I owned as if it were some kind of divorce (when she arrived with the van and her friends I left for a fishing trip). I was simply happy to simply move on.
 
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