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(Slate)   Help, my new wife, who told me she was agnostic, was already married to Christ. Now she wants to Menage a Trois with our Lord and Savior. Help   (slate.com) divider line 84
    More: Amusing, Bride of Christ, jesus, marriage counsels, bait and switches, Gone Girl, Emily Yoffe, faiths  
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10313 clicks; posted to Main » on 25 Nov 2013 at 4:36 PM (51 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-11-25 04:36:55 PM  
Don't let him "Peg" you.
 
2013-11-25 04:38:04 PM  
Guess she wanted Jesus inside her.
 
2013-11-25 04:38:47 PM  
Jesus' boner is the alpha and omega too, imagine how emasculated you'll feel around that massive ween.
 
2013-11-25 04:39:12 PM  
Having read TFA, that's a big old "WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP" warning going off.  Don't even bother with counseling, get a lawyer right now and get an annulment.  False pretenses and all that.
 
2013-11-25 04:40:16 PM  
Helloooooo fraudulent annulment....
 
2013-11-25 04:41:10 PM  

was already married to Christ


She was a nun?

*goes to RTFA*
 
2013-11-25 04:41:23 PM  
I'm thinking in a predominantly Christian country that'd be a hard annulment to get, but not a hard divorce.
 
2013-11-25 04:41:29 PM  
Contrary to popular belief, the surprisology faction of the Catholic church hasn't been dying off, but rather simply lying in wait.
 
2013-11-25 04:41:50 PM  
Now, instead of our not wanting any kids, she wants at least five and maybe more. Instead of no religion, she wants strict adherence to her religion. I feel I've been duped and that she's lied to me about herself. Is there any way out of this short of divorce?

Until she drops all her demands, only stick it in her pooper.

Either way you'll come out ahead and she'll come out behind.
 
2013-11-25 04:42:06 PM  
Get a lawyer and get an annulment.  He married her under false pretenses, borderline fraud really, and an annulment will give him more legal protection than a divorce.

I hope to God he didn't stick his carrot in that crazy-hole too many times and won't have to worry about child-support.
 
2013-11-25 04:42:49 PM  
Wait...this is a thing? People lie about being religious to "trap" their partner into marriage?

How do then handle the premarital sex bit?
 
2013-11-25 04:44:30 PM  
She left me for jesus and that just aint fair
She says that he's perfect how could I compare
She says I should find him and I'll know peace at last
If I ever find jesus I'm kickin his ass
 
2013-11-25 04:45:10 PM  
 
2013-11-25 04:45:18 PM  

what_now: Wait...this is a thing? People lie about being religious to "trap" their partner into marriage?

How do then handle the premarital sex bit?


By being tremendous hypocrites, just like everything else.
 
2013-11-25 04:46:33 PM  
Sounds fake to me.  I never met a fervent Christian that could keep it under wraps.  Unless she's one of those girls that simply said anything it took to rope a hubby in and now she's going to implement her "real" plan.  In which case you pack your shiat and leave immediately.
 
2013-11-25 04:49:54 PM  
Even Prudie knows this one is fake, and publishes it anyhow.
Are these supposed to be funny or something?
 
2013-11-25 04:50:00 PM  

Marcus Aurelius: Sounds fake to me.  I never met a fervent Christian that could keep it under wraps.  Unless she's one of those girls that simply said anything it took to rope a hubby in and now she's going to implement her "real" plan.  In which case you pack your shiat and leave immediately.


And don't ever, ever look back. Not even for a second. If it's not fake, it's Grade A crazy that you don't want to be within 100 miles of, religion or not.
 
2013-11-25 04:50:41 PM  
There should be some religious rule about lying.
 
2013-11-25 04:50:54 PM  

vudukungfu: Don't let him "Peg" you.


And when she smiles for the camera you know they'll love it.
 
2013-11-25 04:51:17 PM  
This missionary dating business (mentioned later in the column)  sounds like an urban legend to me. Snopes needs to get on it. The letter sounds fake, too, but who really knows is this crazy mixed up world.
 
2013-11-25 04:52:16 PM  
 
2013-11-25 04:52:42 PM  
Prudence sure has a fertile imagination. As soon as I saw Slate and 'Help, my new wife...' I pretty much knew what was coming.  She needs to answer an honest mundane question from a real person to shake things up... "Help Prudence, my pet turtle has intractable diarrhea..." instead of the fake "my female boss is going to fire me unless I perform oral sex on her at work daily under the desk while she talks to clients, what do I do.." stuff.
 
2013-11-25 04:54:10 PM  
Why do the modmins keep greening fake articles? Kickbacks?
 
2013-11-25 04:57:59 PM  
The story in the article aside, "agnostic" does not mean "not religious" or "atheist". It's more of a "decline to state".
 
2013-11-25 05:02:01 PM  
Jesus in the devil's three-way?
 
2013-11-25 05:02:28 PM  

StopLurkListen: The story in the article aside, "agnostic" does not mean "not religious" or "atheist". It's more of a "decline to state".


Not quite. It literally means someone who deems the existence of god unknowable, and in any case pretty much always precludes being religiously devout.

/when even Prudie calls it out you know that sh*t is faaaaaaaaake
 
2013-11-25 05:02:59 PM  
According to the Bible, their daughters should also be involved.

But only if he's drunk.
 
2013-11-25 05:10:47 PM  
If it's that big of a deal, it's a breach of contract, file for an annulment.
 
2013-11-25 05:10:54 PM  

berylman: Prudence sure has a fertile imagination. As soon as I saw Slate and 'Help, my new wife...' I pretty much knew what was coming.  She needs to answer an honest mundane question from a real person to shake things up... "Help Prudence, my pet turtle has intractable diarrhea..." instead of the fake "my female boss is going to fire me unless I perform oral sex on her at work daily under the desk while she talks to clients, what do I do.." stuff.


That's not diarrhea (nsfs).
 
2013-11-25 05:12:47 PM  

Marcus Aurelius: Sounds fake to me.  I never met a fervent Christian that could keep it under wraps.  Unless she's one of those girls that simply said anything it took to rope a hubby in and now she's going to implement her "real" plan.  In which case you pack your shiat and leave immediately.


A friend of mine was young and naive, got married to a really nice guy who turned out to be a closet fundie nutjob. Days after the marriage he bought her a bunch of skirts and cut up all her pants, etc. I didn't get all the details but it sounds like it got pretty bad before she finally found a way out.
 
2013-11-25 05:13:02 PM  

StopLurkListen: The story in the article aside, "agnostic" does not mean "not religious" or "atheist". It's more of a "decline to state".


No, that is not true. Not even close. Look it up.

Assuming article is true (unlikely) then yeah, annul the hell out of that and get out of Dodge.
 
2013-11-25 05:15:07 PM  

berylman: Prudence sure has a fertile imagination. As soon as I saw Slate and 'Help, my new wife...' I pretty much knew what was coming.  She needs to answer an honest mundane question from a real person to shake things up... "Help Prudence, my pet turtle has intractable diarrhea..." instead of the fake "my female boss is going to fire me unless I perform oral sex on her at work daily under the desk while she talks to clients, what do I do.." stuff.


go on..
 
2013-11-25 05:19:37 PM  
Since it's technically Jesus Christ, God the Father, the Holy Ghost, and her husband, isn't that more of a gang bang?
 
2013-11-25 05:23:07 PM  
He should have known something was suspicious when she only wanted to have sex in the missionary position.

\\\ Aisle seat, please.
 
2013-11-25 05:23:53 PM  

INeedAName: Marcus Aurelius: Sounds fake to me.  I never met a fervent Christian that could keep it under wraps.  Unless she's one of those girls that simply said anything it took to rope a hubby in and now she's going to implement her "real" plan.  In which case you pack your shiat and leave immediately.

A friend of mine was young and naive, got married to a really nice guy who turned out to be a closet fundie nutjob. Days after the marriage he bought her a bunch of skirts and cut up all her pants, etc. I didn't get all the details but it sounds like it got pretty bad before she finally found a way out.


You don't get into those situations without knowing what is up. She probably thought she had herself a fixer-upper.
 
2013-11-25 05:27:13 PM  

what_now: Wait...this is a thing? People lie about being religious to "trap" their partner into marriage?

How do then handle the premarital sex bit?


Most of the extremely religious girls I have dated justify the sex as a way to bring me to Christ and save my soul.  The small wrongdoing on her part is excusable because the higher purpose of bringing me to Christ outweighs it.

The fact that I practice Asatru might also have something to do with it.
 
2013-11-25 05:29:30 PM  
Devil's 3 way thread?
 
2013-11-25 05:31:00 PM  
If she is THAT religious he should play the "I'm the man of the house and you should be subservient to your husband like the Bible says. Then tell her to shut her mouth about all that children crap, Sunday is for football not church, and now go in the kitchen to make him a sammich.

If she doesn't like it she can go back to being the agnostic he married or slam the door behind her on the way out.

Seriously though, if someone starts acting like that to you your best course of action is to do the same in return.
 
2013-11-25 05:34:50 PM  
He should RP Jesus when they are in the sack until the process server arrives, then gtfo.
 
2013-11-25 05:38:28 PM  
I dated my wife for three years before we married. We were both in our 30s and had had all of the important discussions before we decided to marry (kids, religion, etc.). At the time, she told me she was agnostic, and not really into "the whole religion thing." Now, less than six months into our marriage, she tells me she's joined a church and expects me to join her for Sunday services. It's only now that I learn that she has extremely right-wing, religious views. After talking with some of her friends, they couldn't believe I didn't know this about her. I asked them why they wouldn't have mentioned this when they found out we weren't having a church wedding and they told me that was probably done for my benefit. Now, instead of our not wanting any kids, she wants at least five and maybe more. Instead of no religion, she wants strict adherence to her religion. I feel I've been duped and that she's lied to me about herself. Is there any way out of this short of divorce?

RUN.  You got off cheap.
 
2013-11-25 05:38:51 PM  

basemetal: If it's that big of a deal, it's a breach of contract, file for an annulment.


Interestingly, I always thought an annulment was strictly a catholic / religious thing.  Looking it up, it seems that it can be a legal thing in certain limited circumstances.  Fascinating.
 
2013-11-25 05:39:02 PM  
she tells me she's joined a church and expects me to join her for Sunday services.

Um, No!
I reluctantly do a lot of things for my wife but I told her in no uncertain terms, go to church if you want but don't ever, EVER expect that I will go with you. Not happening.
 
2013-11-25 05:40:53 PM  
Assuming it's legit: Get an annulment yesterday and run far, far away.
 
2013-11-25 05:46:47 PM  

abhorrent1: she tells me she's joined a church and expects me to join her for Sunday services.

Um, No!
I reluctantly do a lot of things for my wife but I told her in no uncertain terms, go to church if you want but don't ever, EVER expect that I will go with you. Not happening.


I am very upfront with women I date. I may step in a church to appreciate the architecture (some of them are pretty damned cool, particularly in Europe), and I will attend when someone gets married, dies, or is born. I'm not going for myself or for a deity, but because the building is pretty, or because the event is important to someone I care about.
 
2013-11-25 05:47:05 PM  

exick: Marcus Aurelius: Sounds fake to me.  I never met a fervent Christian that could keep it under wraps.  Unless she's one of those girls that simply said anything it took to rope a hubby in and now she's going to implement her "real" plan.  In which case you pack your shiat and leave immediately.

And don't ever, ever look back. Not even for a second. If it's not fake, it's Grade A crazy that you don't want to be within 100 miles of, religion or not.


I dont "this" often

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^this^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
 
2013-11-25 05:47:15 PM  
Re: the veracity of the man's 'letter'...

CSB:   In the 1980's I began to date a woman.  Things went great.  We talked, and agreed upon many issues.  Kids? Yep, a couple.  Religion?  Nope, atheists both.  Politics? Liberal both.  etc. etc. right down the line.  Perfect.  After a year she moved in with me.  Perfect.  Until it all unravelled in one morning:
Me:  Nice day, what about an outing?  Zoo?  Waterfront?
Her:  Nope, can't today.
Me: Oh, not well? Better idea?
Her:  No, just can't go out today.
Me:  Why not?  You're sure you're ok?
Her:  No, I can't!!  It's not the right day.
Me:  Right day?  Explanation?
Her:  My chart.  My chart says I can't go out today.
Me:  What chart? To what do you refer?
Her:  <shows me an astrological chart, very detailed for each day, clearly says to stay indoors that day>
Me:  WTF etc.
Her:  <crying>  I knew this would happen, I knew it....

Subsequent conversation revealed that she paid an astrologer $100 a month for this detailed chart and she farking well followed it and had done so for many years.   I am a card-carrying skeptic and her not revealing this during courtship as well as the mere fact that she would follow this woo-woo astrology shiat (or that I  would never do so)  ended the relationship then and there.

So potential partners DO hide stuff about themselves in order to further a relationship.  Even deep core values.

Bonus punchline:  Her 'chart' about me called me the best husband material she could ever find.  She showed it to me as a 'reason' we should stay together and try to work things out.

Yeah, right.
 
2013-11-25 05:49:47 PM  

spiderpaz: Now, instead of our not wanting any kids, she wants at least five and maybe more.


well think of it this way --  at least your wife wants sex
 
2013-11-25 05:55:49 PM  

Marcus Aurelius: Sounds fake to me.  I never met a fervent Christian that could keep it under wraps.  Unless she's one of those girls that simply said anything it took to rope a hubby in and now she's going to implement her "real" plan.  In which case you pack your shiat and leave immediately.


Given that one of the, if not the, main things about being a fervent Christian is NOT keeping it under wraps, I have to assume that the wife is not the only loon here.
 
2013-11-25 06:02:36 PM  

Charlie Chingas: Guess she wanted Jesus inside her.


Oh God, YES!

lh4.ggpht.com
 
2013-11-25 06:07:08 PM  
Is subby sure that she wasn't really asking for a MFM with the yard guy?  His name is pronounced a little differently than you might think.
 
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