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(Telegraph)   Caption this snake handler and/or his serpent   ( divider line
    More: Caption, Contests  
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1849 clicks; posted to Main » on 26 Nov 2013 at 8:01 AM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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2013-11-25 12:49:01 PM  
2013-11-25 12:55:06 PM  
"OK, now I need a volunteer to come up here and bend over..."
2013-11-25 01:08:05 PM  
"And so it was written, that during that taping of Saturday Night's Main Event, the prophet Jake, bless his name, dropped thine serpent atop the Giant Andre, and he was smited with his fury!"
2013-11-26 08:04:06 AM  
Snake:"I hope you signed up for Obamacare because this sh*t is gonna hurt."
2013-11-26 08:12:49 AM  
"Use Jimmy Tango's method, and within days you'll drop more weight than a Tijuana crack whore! Hey! If you're a porky puke, don't be afraid! Come "Ride The Snake!"  "
2013-11-26 08:13:16 AM  
"No seriously, it was as big around as this snake. I opened my mouth this wide, but I still didn't think it was going to fit."
2013-11-26 08:15:44 AM  
"I thought he was supposed to offer me an apple?"
2013-11-26 08:22:58 AM  
"Muthaf***ing snakes in my muthaf***ing hands!!!"
2013-11-26 08:38:50 AM  
Playing "What is it?" at the Nation Convention for the Blind takes a bad turn. After learning that he was holding a rattlesnake, Johnnie Crappants defensively flung the serpent in to the audience. This caused a few more rounds of "What is It?" from audience members and then screams and panic.

Quite a few people were trampled despite the clearly marked and well labelled exits. Oh... riiiight. Sorry.
2013-11-26 08:43:47 AM  
The auctioneer said, I'm not through yet,
Here's a snake the likes of which you've never seen,
And the straw hats in the sun, with a face beneath each one,
Shown doubtful and the auctioneer got mean.
Do you think that you can find a snake like this every day?
I don't think there's any better on this earth,
And the more you pay, the more it's worth.
Then out she came, a slithery beast,
Hissin' and a strikin' in the silver sun,
They watched her from behind, as she did her bump and grind,
Slidin' naked, sad and graceful for their fun.
Oh how I wished I could afford that lady diamond back,
A queen with high nobility of birth,
But the more you pay, the more it's worth.
My pockets hung with empty blues,
Hissing fangs were standin' on my growin' pains,
My bid was not too bad, two bits was all I had,
And the stable boy just handed me the snake.
Well the gallery went wild, and the auctioneer half smiled,
What we don't sell we shoot or give away,
'Cause the more you pay, the more it's worth.
And where was the boy, who rode on her back,
With his arms holding tight round her neck?
How tightly he clung,
When they both were young,
And fate had not let this poor girl be so
2013-11-26 08:47:23 AM  
2013-11-26 09:21:22 AM  
One question: which one of you assholes gets to die trying to stick me?
2013-11-26 09:44:13 AM  
"Hey look, I'm an idiot!"
2013-11-26 10:00:45 AM  
Guy: "Behold the power of the Almighty as He turns this snake into a stick!"

Snake: "Dude, you're not Moses"
2013-11-26 10:31:02 AM  
"...and the Lord spake unto Eve, 'Thou shalt go forth from this garden, and to atone thy descendents shall lay with dweebs who hath bad haircuts and gay sweater vests!'"

(and thy male dscendents shall always forget to enable voting the first time!)
2013-11-26 11:20:07 AM  
Now, I had the time of my life and I owe it all to you-oo-oo.
2013-11-26 11:25:44 AM  
Would you like to handle my snake, if you know what I mean?
2013-11-26 12:05:12 PM
2013-11-26 12:19:33 PM  
Going once, going twice. Sold! To the gentleman with turban and basket!
2013-11-26 12:20:29 PM  
Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. ...
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