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(Salon)   "Only one man in 100 reaches beyond the 5-to-7-inch average. Why are men lying, and why do women expect more?" Well, have you tried dating lately? That kind of lie works   (salon.com) divider line 82
    More: Obvious, Kinsey Institute, Archives of Sexual Behavior, Samuel Pepys, gays  
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15704 clicks; posted to Main » on 23 Nov 2013 at 11:39 PM (43 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-11-23 11:02:45 PM
33 votes:
If the average penis is just under six inches, and the average vagina is approximately 8-inches deep, there is over 4,734 miles of unused pussy in the United States.
2013-11-23 09:16:17 PM
20 votes:
It's not how big it is, it's how sincere your tearful apology is twenty-four seconds later.
2013-11-24 12:02:30 AM
14 votes:

Phil Clinton: It may look like a needle, but it works like a sewing machine *wink* *wink*...


it leaves them in stiches?
2013-11-23 11:47:57 PM
13 votes:
One of the best things about being gay is that if I'm disappointed, I can just flip him over.
2013-11-23 10:00:09 PM
13 votes:
We are the 99%! Occupy Vagina!
2013-11-24 12:15:31 AM
12 votes:
You want to pump up your man's self esteem, ladies, with just one word? Try "ouch".

I heard that once. Turns out I was leaning on her hair.
2013-11-23 09:24:33 PM
10 votes:

Mr. Coffee Nerves: It's not how big it is, it's how sincere your tearful apology is twenty-four seconds later.


Twenty four seconds? Thanks for setting the bar impossibly high.
ZAZ [TotalFark]
2013-11-23 07:23:29 PM
10 votes:
If I ran a dating web site I would put in an entry for penis length in men's profiles and let women search on it. Then I would secretly let women leave feedback on their dates' penises. Then I would show men what each woman was really looking for in penis size, and show women what past dates had said about each man. Then I would publish the results, die in a mysterious fire, or both.
2013-11-23 11:42:31 PM
8 votes:

UNAUTHORIZED FINGER: If the average penis is just under six inches, and the average vagina is approximately 8-inches deep, there is over 4,734 miles of unused pussy in the United States.


and that's just your mom.
2013-11-24 02:39:43 AM
7 votes:
Hello.
2013-11-23 09:53:30 PM
6 votes:
Heterosexual men think of other men's penis a little too much.
2013-11-23 07:45:13 PM
6 votes:
It's OK because I can lick my eyebrows because my eyebrows come off for some reason.

*waggles eyebrows*

*puts eyebrows in eyebrow carrying case*

*catches cab*

*goes home*

*makes grilled cheese sandwich*

*checks email*

*goes to bed*
2013-11-23 10:38:21 PM
5 votes:
3 inches high, 8 inches wide. Looks like a bundt cake with cool whip in the middle for serving.
2013-11-23 09:08:41 PM
5 votes:
5 to 7?   HA!  LOSERS!

Oh wait.  That's not metric.

Never mind.
2013-11-23 07:08:29 PM
5 votes:
Yay for being a one percenter
2013-11-24 01:58:05 AM
4 votes:
It's not my fault if my penis is larger than most people I see in the locker room.

They should have an erection like I always do.
2013-11-24 12:16:57 AM
4 votes:
Short and thick does the trick,
Long and thin just gets in,
But thick and meaty makes me greedy.
2013-11-24 12:01:06 AM
4 votes:

BECAUSE MARKETING


Most women look like pear shaped bags of cottage cheese in America yet Victoria's Secret keep posting profits. Can't explain that.
2013-11-23 10:11:04 PM
4 votes:
Her: "Who ya gonna please with that little thing?"

Me: "ME!"
2013-11-24 05:40:12 AM
3 votes:

Mikey1969: Bucky Katt: Mikey1969: I'm curious how people can even measure the length of their johnson in the first place. I can't be alone, but I would bet that my wood can vary by at least an inch in length and as much in girth depending on any number of factors. it also varies greatly in length at parade rest. I'm just not sure how they can come up with an "average" if every guy has variations like this.

As for me, I feel no need to lie, my wife has never complained, so it doesn't really matter to me how I "measure up"...

You're overthinking it.

How? It's never quite the same size twice in a row, so I have seriously wondered how they could have established an "average" in the first place. I don't know how that's overthinking anything.


Its all in how you measure. I hook the tape measure in my asshole.
2013-11-24 12:13:01 AM
3 votes:

gunsmack: craigdamage: I lost 60 lbs last year.

god!!  my dick looks huge!

*knucks*

Only about 40, but I know the feeling.


I need to lose hundreds, hundreds of pounds I tell ya.
2013-11-24 12:06:26 AM
3 votes:
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I can't draw a bong to save my life
2013-11-23 09:52:33 PM
3 votes:
i236.photobucket.com
2013-11-23 09:51:22 PM
3 votes:
Who's lying?  5-7 is the "average" size.  So for every Ken Jeong a motherfarker like me comes along swinging a Paul Bunyan wood to average it all out.

If you get any lip about your cock just turn it back on her.  "You know, you're the first woman I've slept with where it's really difficult to feel anything.  I've never experienced that before.  It's like your vagina is extra big, you know?  Like a Kardashian's.  Maybe you should see a doctor about it."
2013-11-24 09:14:03 AM
2 votes:
Finally I can consider myself a 1 Percenter in both Categories.

I knew I was born with something special, especially in my late 20's when women started referring their friends to me based on size.  (I am not kidding, and these were not wa-hores either, they were professional women.)  But I had no idea that 8" by 6" was that rare.

No wonder my ex-wife and her GF told me I should be a porn star.  lol.

I am going to take my newly found ego-trip to the max now!
2013-11-24 05:09:51 AM
2 votes:

Lady Indica: Small penis humiliation is so profitable though!


Hey dont be hatin' on my hummer dealership across the street from the penis enlargement clinic.
2013-11-24 04:59:59 AM
2 votes:
I'm black, so I'm getting a kick...
2013-11-24 02:16:03 AM
2 votes:

GungFu: It's not my fault if my penis is larger than most people I see in the locker room.

They should have an erection like I always do.


Your penis is larger than people?  Yikes!
2013-11-24 02:04:40 AM
2 votes:

GungFu: It's not my fault if my penis is larger than most people I see in the locker room.

They should have an erection like I always do.


My one brief foray onto a nude beach in Europe ended unceremoniously after an hour when my wife realized my erection was never going to go away.  I don't know what the hell she was thinking when she suggested we go to one.  I almost got rid of it but then other people started staring and there was absolutely no cooperation from the nether region at all.
2013-11-24 01:20:32 AM
2 votes:
I had penis reduction to 5". Most women still have difficulty accommodating that width.
2013-11-24 01:11:22 AM
2 votes:
Richard Pryor:
Biatch, I'm gonna find me some new pn55y.
N!663r, you had two more inches of dick, you'd find some new pn55y right here.

Classic.
2013-11-24 01:05:47 AM
2 votes:
Zzzzzzziiiiiippppp...*thunk*
2013-11-24 12:35:18 AM
2 votes:
Solution: date shorter women. I'm 5'2" and you cannot fit a semi truck in a single car garage.

/have a big tonker? you are not welcome here
//my vagina is not taking resumes at the moment so don't ask
2013-11-24 12:32:57 AM
2 votes:
BUT I WAS SWIMMING ALL DAY!
2013-11-24 12:21:06 AM
2 votes:

LikeALeafOnTheWind: Phil Clinton: It may look like a needle, but it works like a sewing machine *wink* *wink*...

it leaves them in stiches?


You keep your damned fingers away it.
2013-11-24 12:08:45 AM
2 votes:
======D


not a bong
2013-11-24 12:07:47 AM
2 votes:

wellreadneck: One of the best things about being gay is that if I'm disappointed, I can just flip him over.


Well that's one of the most succinct brilliant comments I have ever read...

/straight girl
//jealous
2013-11-24 12:05:17 AM
2 votes:
When things start heating up at the bar, and I feel like it's time to make a move, I just whisper into her ear: "I can lick your bellybutton..... from the inside."

Phil Clinton: It may look like a needle, but it works like a sewing machine *wink* *wink*...


I've seen a few Jap porn videos that seam to follow that thread.
2013-11-23 11:55:59 PM
2 votes:
Oh... The headline was about length...

*Come on, Stumpy. We're outta here*
2013-11-23 11:52:42 PM
2 votes:
If you gals weren't stuffing your galdang koonts with pooltoys an' huge dildos, us average guys with nominally sized whales peni wouldn't be all shunned by you hallway ramming stampeding the exit showcase inflatable pool toy gash stashers.
2013-11-23 10:02:48 PM
2 votes:
Just putting this out there, I've never whipped out a ruler at go-time. I assume many guys know, because bored dork, but I just don't think that many women care about the actual number.

Math is hard, after all.
2013-11-24 09:59:42 PM
1 votes:
Size doesn't matter that much, most women don't have the spatial skills to tell the difference between 5 inches and 7 inches.

What matters is you don't have some dried up mutilated circumsized dick.  Ain't no woman got time for that.
2013-11-24 04:23:33 PM
1 votes:
5-7" is a pretty big margin of error. I heard that 6.25" was the actual average point. Another report I heard was 6.5". Still doesn't matter, I'm beyond both. Not that it's getting used at the moment thanks to the wifes lack of interest.
2013-11-24 02:13:44 PM
1 votes:

cgremlin: El Pachuco: and isn't shaped like a letter from the Russian alphabet


Pretty sure mine is shaped like a letter from the Ukranian one, which is almost the same, but still has  yi.

Ї
2013-11-24 10:58:32 AM
1 votes:

UNAUTHORIZED FINGER: If the average penis is just under six inches, and the average vagina is approximately 8-inches deep, there is over 4,734 miles of unused pussy in the United States.


And that's where I come in.

/see?  double entendres for everyone.
2013-11-24 10:38:26 AM
1 votes:

wellreadneck: One of the best things about being gay is that if I'm disappointed, I can just flip him over.


...Baaaaaarf
2013-11-24 08:05:20 AM
1 votes:
Hej Raring!   Jag har en tolv tums penis!
2013-11-24 04:56:03 AM
1 votes:

lewismarktwo: Oldiron_79: Mr. Coffee Nerves: It's not how big it is, it's how sincere your tearful apology is twenty-four seconds later.

LOL good one.

As an ugly man with a large cawk Id gladly trade an inch or two of length for a point of two of looks because having a big one dont help you till you get the woman to fark you in the first place. Ill garantee you a 7 with a 5" cawk gets more pussy than a 5 with a 7" cawk.

Have you tried being rich?


Im sure it would help.
2013-11-24 04:55:19 AM
1 votes:

El Pachuco: From browsing 4chan, I have learned that it wasn't my above-average length or girth that made me popular.  It was because what I have isn't buried in fat or hair, and isn't shaped like a letter from the Russian alphabet, and lasts more than 14 seconds.  Ladies, you have my sympathy - I've never met a single vajayjay as weird as a 4chan poster's dick.


I think I just woke up half the neighborhood.
2013-11-24 04:24:01 AM
1 votes:
static.giantbomb.com
2013-11-24 03:11:38 AM
1 votes:

casual disregard: hervatski: Heterosexual men think of other men's penis a little too much.

Hey now, there's nothing we love more than a nice big penis.

The way I think about it is there are women (and men I guess) for whom size matters and then there are those for whom it does not matter. If your partner does not like your body, you don't need a new body, you need a new partner.

Strictly speaking in terms of size preference, though, women certainly have the advantage. A woman unsatisfied by the size of her partner's penis can most likely find a new partner with a better penis. The dude who gets left behind is rather attached to his own penis.


Unless his last partner studied under Lorena Bobbitt.
2013-11-24 02:34:38 AM
1 votes:
Ringshadow:
I'd rather have your problems. People look at me and think I'm travelsized :\ It's like uh, no.

Again this is just my logic. Then again whoever designed humans seems to have assigned our anatomy at random, so other peoples' mileage my vary.

/aromantic, 30, no kids
//I did not mean to cast aspersions, rogue_L_chick, I apologize


New Word Alert!
aromantic
a-ro-man-tic,
~~/ehrōˈmantik/
 adjective
Does it mean:
A.) to not be romantic
B.) to be in love with the smell of sex
C.) to be in love with the smell of butt sex
2013-11-24 02:29:57 AM
1 votes:

OgreMagi: I was in the pool!  There was shrinkage!


I don't know how you walk around with those thing?
2013-11-24 02:29:47 AM
1 votes:

Dreamless: GungFu: It's not my fault if my penis is larger than most people I see in the locker room.

They should have an erection like I always do.

Your penis is larger than people?  Yikes!



I knew that was coming.

Damn Fark for no edit function and my no Preview.
 
/penis goes limp
2013-11-24 02:15:55 AM
1 votes:
Guys= Who has the biggest cock? Wins the ladies.
Gals= Who has the most money? Wins the ladies.
2013-11-24 01:52:47 AM
1 votes:

Kyoki: Richard Pryor:
Biatch, I'm gonna find me some new pn55y.
N!663r, you had two more inches of dick, you'd find some new pn55y right here.

Classic.


What is this pn55y Richard Pryor was talking about?

The joke would have been much funnier if Pryor had been discussing pussy. Well, I guess even the legends don't always hit a home run.
2013-11-24 01:46:02 AM
1 votes:

Ringshadow: Solution: date shorter women. I'm 5'2" and you cannot fit a semi truck in a single car garage.

/have a big tonker? you are not welcome here
//my vagina is not taking resumes at the moment so don't ask




Oh, shiat. I'm 5'10"...thanks to you, now I have to worry that I have a parking garage betwixt my thighs.

/thank goodness for all the kegels
//shorter chicks are already cuter, why do you get tighter clams, too?
2013-11-24 01:45:45 AM
1 votes:

Notabunny: Mr. Coffee Nerves: It's not how big it is, it's how sincere your tearful apology is twenty-four seconds later.

years of practice set me head and shoulders above the rest


Roses are red
Violets are flowers
I can keep going
for hours and hours
2013-11-24 01:37:02 AM
1 votes:
From browsing 4chan, I have learned that it wasn't my above-average length or girth that made me popular.  It was because what I have isn't buried in fat or hair, and isn't shaped like a letter from the Russian alphabet, and lasts more than 14 seconds.  Ladies, you have my sympathy - I've never met a single vajayjay as weird as a 4chan poster's dick.
2013-11-24 01:30:13 AM
1 votes:
Excuse me while I whip this out...
2013-11-24 01:18:45 AM
1 votes:

Ringshadow: Solution: date shorter women. I'm 5'2" and you cannot fit a semi truck in a single car garage.

/have a big tonker? you are not welcome here
//my vagina is not taking resumes at the moment so don't ask


This makes me feel suddenly insecure about how many women 5'4" and below I've dated. And it's not like I intentionally date women a full foot shorter than me.
2013-11-24 01:11:20 AM
1 votes:
I got a 12" dick and a dozen roses, and a pick-up truck, hubba hubba hubba hey!--RODNEY CARRINGTON
2013-11-24 01:11:02 AM
1 votes:

sleeper2995: Woman talk about not dating men with a average penis size and no one bats an eye. Say you don't date girls because of their waist size and everyone loses their minds.


Similar pet peeve: Women's ads commonly require a minimum height. A 5'5" woman will want a man at least 6 ft. But if I were to say "no one under a D-cup," I'd be an arsehole.

When I first read the title, I thought it meant 5'7" tall. "Cool," I thought, "I'm taller than that." Then I realized it was about weiners, and now I'm feeling really good: "hell, mine's at least 5'10"."

/gotta hang it over my shoulder
//don't hate me because it's beautiful
2013-11-24 01:09:35 AM
1 votes:

Bareefer Obonghit: 3 inches high, 8 inches wide. Looks like a bundt cake with cool whip in the middle for serving.


Dude, stop doing that to the bundt cake, you'll go blind!
2013-11-24 12:52:59 AM
1 votes:

fusillade762: Are penises, then, like people, getting bigger?

Why would getting fat make your penis bigger?


Leon's getting llllllarger
2013-11-24 12:52:57 AM
1 votes:
We'll stop lying about our penis size when women stop using pictures that are from 10 years and 50 lbs ago.

/I've never lied about my penis size
//I'm average
2013-11-24 12:45:38 AM
1 votes:
Woman talk about not dating men with a average penis size and no one bats an eye. Say you don't date girls because of their waist size and everyone loses their minds.
2013-11-24 12:41:34 AM
1 votes:

ThatGuyFromTheInternet: So this id the part where I'm subtle about offering WIE and being over 7" right?


WIE = Wang In Ear?
2013-11-24 12:33:40 AM
1 votes:

Sock Ruh Tease: Guys can make up for a small penis in one of two ways:

1) Money
2) Cunnilingus

Works every time


okay like about how much money are we talking here? Not the "oh god oh god oh god" amount just the "oh god" amount...how much is that?
2013-11-24 12:33:27 AM
1 votes:

FarkinHostile: I blame my dad.

(Hangs head)


Why? Us ladies thank him!
2013-11-24 12:27:20 AM
1 votes:

Mr. Coffee Nerves: It's not how big it is, it's how sincere your tearful apology is twenty-four seconds later.


years of practice set me head and shoulders above the rest
2013-11-24 12:08:02 AM
1 votes:
I lost 60 lbs last year.

god!!  my dick looks huge!
2013-11-24 12:06:41 AM
1 votes:

dahmers love zombie: Well, I don't know.  I'm around 7 inches if the Cialis really kicks in, but we've got this big pink 9 inch latex monstrosity that vibrates, and when you put my wife together with THAT thing PLUS her Hitachi Magic Wand in the other hand, really all I need to do is fetch her a drink when she's done.


FTFY
2013-11-24 12:04:15 AM
1 votes:
2013-11-24 12:03:19 AM
1 votes:

Smeggy Smurf: That has to be the most farked up thing I've seen in my 10 years on Fark.  Well played snarkmeister


You are welcome come coming commminng cooominnning. aaaaaahhhhhhh gggrrrasghhhhhhhhhh
ahhhhhhhhhhh
2013-11-24 12:01:53 AM
1 votes:

Lsherm: Who's lying?  5-7 is the "average" size.  So for every Ken Jeong a motherfarker like me comes along swinging a Paul Bunyan wood to average it all out.

If you get any lip about your cock just turn it back on her.  "You know, you're the first woman I've slept with where it's really difficult to feel anything.  I've never experienced that before.  It's like your vagina is extra big, you know?  Like a Kardashian's.  Maybe you should see a doctor about it."


But I thought guys like blow jobs, why would you be so mean? OH, my mistake; you said lips about your cock, not around.
2013-11-23 11:56:00 PM
1 votes:
It may look like a needle, but it works like a sewing machine *wink* *wink*...
2013-11-23 11:51:03 PM
1 votes:

Mister Buttons: Sock Ruh Tease: Guys can make up for a small penis in one of two ways:

1) Money
2) Cunnilingus

Works every time

You forgot big SUVs and trucks.  Maybe that falls under the money category though.


I could see it falling under the cunnilingus category.
2013-11-23 11:41:44 PM
1 votes:
Guys can make up for a small penis in one of two ways:

1) Money
2) Cunnilingus

Works every time
2013-11-23 11:40:16 PM
1 votes:
Can you make me come? Can you do it again?

Then I don't care how long it is, sweetie.
2013-11-23 11:40:14 PM
1 votes:
Well, I don't know.  I'm around 7 inches if the Cialis really kicks in, but we've got this big pink 9 inch latex monstrosity that vibrates, and when you put my wife together with THAT thing PLUS her Hitachi Magic Wand in the other hand, really all I need to do is wait until her breathing comes back under control, divest her of her electrical accoutrements, put her feet up on my shoulders and give her twenty minutes or so of varied speed and depth.  All she can do is gasp  "oh shiat" and "God yes fark me with your cock".  So I figure that a combination of natural enhancement, plus allowing her the mechanical aids that I simply cannot DREAM to match, and I can pretty regularly take care of her needs.

There's another way, but it involves an hour or more of neck and tongue ache, and even then there's only about a one in three chance that Dinah-Moe will hum, so I've somewhat less eager to go that route.  Guess it's just the way they're designed...
2013-11-23 09:56:47 PM
1 votes:

Lsherm: If you get any lip about your cock just turn it back on her.


So, jam it in her pooper without lube?
 
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