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(Salon)   "Only one man in 100 reaches beyond the 5-to-7-inch average. Why are men lying, and why do women expect more?" Well, have you tried dating lately? That kind of lie works   (salon.com) divider line 281
    More: Obvious, Kinsey Institute, Archives of Sexual Behavior, Samuel Pepys, gays  
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15717 clicks; posted to Main » on 23 Nov 2013 at 11:39 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



281 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

First | « | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | » | Last | Show all
 
2013-11-23 07:08:29 PM  
Yay for being a one percenter
 
ZAZ [TotalFark]
2013-11-23 07:23:29 PM  
If I ran a dating web site I would put in an entry for penis length in men's profiles and let women search on it. Then I would secretly let women leave feedback on their dates' penises. Then I would show men what each woman was really looking for in penis size, and show women what past dates had said about each man. Then I would publish the results, die in a mysterious fire, or both.
 
2013-11-23 07:45:13 PM  
It's OK because I can lick my eyebrows because my eyebrows come off for some reason.

*waggles eyebrows*

*puts eyebrows in eyebrow carrying case*

*catches cab*

*goes home*

*makes grilled cheese sandwich*

*checks email*

*goes to bed*
 
2013-11-23 09:08:41 PM  
5 to 7?   HA!  LOSERS!

Oh wait.  That's not metric.

Never mind.
 
2013-11-23 09:16:17 PM  
It's not how big it is, it's how sincere your tearful apology is twenty-four seconds later.
 
2013-11-23 09:24:33 PM  

Mr. Coffee Nerves: It's not how big it is, it's how sincere your tearful apology is twenty-four seconds later.


Twenty four seconds? Thanks for setting the bar impossibly high.
 
2013-11-23 09:51:22 PM  
Who's lying?  5-7 is the "average" size.  So for every Ken Jeong a motherfarker like me comes along swinging a Paul Bunyan wood to average it all out.

If you get any lip about your cock just turn it back on her.  "You know, you're the first woman I've slept with where it's really difficult to feel anything.  I've never experienced that before.  It's like your vagina is extra big, you know?  Like a Kardashian's.  Maybe you should see a doctor about it."
 
2013-11-23 09:52:33 PM  
i236.photobucket.com
 
2013-11-23 09:53:30 PM  
Heterosexual men think of other men's penis a little too much.
 
2013-11-23 09:56:47 PM  

Lsherm: If you get any lip about your cock just turn it back on her.


So, jam it in her pooper without lube?
 
2013-11-23 10:00:09 PM  
We are the 99%! Occupy Vagina!
 
2013-11-23 10:02:48 PM  
Just putting this out there, I've never whipped out a ruler at go-time. I assume many guys know, because bored dork, but I just don't think that many women care about the actual number.

Math is hard, after all.
 
2013-11-23 10:11:04 PM  
Her: "Who ya gonna please with that little thing?"

Me: "ME!"
 
2013-11-23 10:28:25 PM  
5? I wish!
 
2013-11-23 10:38:21 PM  
3 inches high, 8 inches wide. Looks like a bundt cake with cool whip in the middle for serving.
 
2013-11-23 10:51:02 PM  
 
2013-11-23 11:02:45 PM  
If the average penis is just under six inches, and the average vagina is approximately 8-inches deep, there is over 4,734 miles of unused pussy in the United States.
 
2013-11-23 11:40:14 PM  
Well, I don't know.  I'm around 7 inches if the Cialis really kicks in, but we've got this big pink 9 inch latex monstrosity that vibrates, and when you put my wife together with THAT thing PLUS her Hitachi Magic Wand in the other hand, really all I need to do is wait until her breathing comes back under control, divest her of her electrical accoutrements, put her feet up on my shoulders and give her twenty minutes or so of varied speed and depth.  All she can do is gasp  "oh shiat" and "God yes fark me with your cock".  So I figure that a combination of natural enhancement, plus allowing her the mechanical aids that I simply cannot DREAM to match, and I can pretty regularly take care of her needs.

There's another way, but it involves an hour or more of neck and tongue ache, and even then there's only about a one in three chance that Dinah-Moe will hum, so I've somewhat less eager to go that route.  Guess it's just the way they're designed...
 
2013-11-23 11:40:16 PM  
Can you make me come? Can you do it again?

Then I don't care how long it is, sweetie.
 
2013-11-23 11:41:44 PM  
Guys can make up for a small penis in one of two ways:

1) Money
2) Cunnilingus

Works every time
 
2013-11-23 11:42:04 PM  

hervatski: Heterosexual men think of other men's penis a little too much.


That pretty much sums up the entire argument.
 
2013-11-23 11:42:31 PM  

UNAUTHORIZED FINGER: If the average penis is just under six inches, and the average vagina is approximately 8-inches deep, there is over 4,734 miles of unused pussy in the United States.


and that's just your mom.
 
2013-11-23 11:44:29 PM  
Are penises, then, like people, getting bigger?

Why would getting fat make your penis bigger?
 
2013-11-23 11:46:23 PM  

Sock Ruh Tease: Guys can make up for a small penis in one of two ways:

1) Money
2) Cunnilingus

Works every time


You forgot big SUVs and trucks.  Maybe that falls under the money category though.
 
2013-11-23 11:46:52 PM  
Yay for us big tongued guys!
 
2013-11-23 11:47:41 PM  
dahmers love zombie: ...

The three of us should hang out
 
2013-11-23 11:47:57 PM  
One of the best things about being gay is that if I'm disappointed, I can just flip him over.
 
2013-11-23 11:49:39 PM  
I don't really get how you lie about this. Is this a topic that often comes up before sex? Once you're doing the deed I'm sure many other things take priority over dick size. If you're putting this in an online profile you really need to get off the internet.
 
2013-11-23 11:51:03 PM  

Mister Buttons: Sock Ruh Tease: Guys can make up for a small penis in one of two ways:

1) Money
2) Cunnilingus

Works every time

You forgot big SUVs and trucks.  Maybe that falls under the money category though.


I could see it falling under the cunnilingus category.
 
2013-11-23 11:52:42 PM  
If you gals weren't stuffing your galdang koonts with pooltoys an' huge dildos, us average guys with nominally sized whales peni wouldn't be all shunned by you hallway ramming stampeding the exit showcase inflatable pool toy gash stashers.
 
2013-11-23 11:53:05 PM  
More men have tiny penises than big ones.  Some asian men only have an inch.  The biggest man I ever had was hung like my forearm.  Took many tries to get a condom on it rock solid, it hurt to fark him.  Most of the pleasure was in the pure freak value.  He was pretty proud of it.  I suspect he liked showing it off.
 
2013-11-23 11:55:10 PM  

Sock Ruh Tease: Guys can make up for a small penis in one of two ways:

1) Money
2) Cunnilingus

Works every time


3) Technique
 
2013-11-23 11:55:27 PM  

vudukungfu: If you gals weren't stuffing your galdang koonts with pooltoys an' huge dildos, us average guys with nominally sized whales peni wouldn't be all shunned by you hallway ramming stampeding the exit showcase inflatable pool toy gash stashers.


That has to be the most farked up thing I've seen in my 10 years on Fark.  Well played snarkmeister
 
2013-11-23 11:55:41 PM  

wellreadneck: One of the best things about being gay is that if I'm disappointed, I can just flip him over.


You realize that is about the most imminently quotable queerism ever right?

/notagay
//butthatthereisdamnfunny
///3's
 
2013-11-23 11:55:59 PM  
Oh... The headline was about length...

*Come on, Stumpy. We're outta here*
 
2013-11-23 11:56:00 PM  
It may look like a needle, but it works like a sewing machine *wink* *wink*...
 
2013-11-24 12:00:31 AM  

wellreadneck: One of the best things about being gay is that if I'm disappointed, I can just flip him over.


That one there is worth a month of TF.
 
2013-11-24 12:00:40 AM  
This one girl I know.     She is nice and shiat. But she's all clangy when she walks. You know. The locks she has implanted through her labias.  I'm no locksmith. and I hate to bring it up in polite company, but the metallic taste of her oxidation from  the locks. Well, it is is a bit of a put off, during oral sex.
Great Blow jobs and all but the though of the master locks is a bit much.
 
2013-11-24 12:01:06 AM  

BECAUSE MARKETING


Most women look like pear shaped bags of cottage cheese in America yet Victoria's Secret keep posting profits. Can't explain that.
 
2013-11-24 12:01:47 AM  
Funny. I feel bad for you *ahem* shorter guys.

/Why yes I do have farkettes to back me up.
 
2013-11-24 12:01:53 AM  

Lsherm: Who's lying?  5-7 is the "average" size.  So for every Ken Jeong a motherfarker like me comes along swinging a Paul Bunyan wood to average it all out.

If you get any lip about your cock just turn it back on her.  "You know, you're the first woman I've slept with where it's really difficult to feel anything.  I've never experienced that before.  It's like your vagina is extra big, you know?  Like a Kardashian's.  Maybe you should see a doctor about it."


But I thought guys like blow jobs, why would you be so mean? OH, my mistake; you said lips about your cock, not around.
 
2013-11-24 12:02:30 AM  

Phil Clinton: It may look like a needle, but it works like a sewing machine *wink* *wink*...


it leaves them in stiches?
 
2013-11-24 12:03:01 AM  

Prevailing Wind: wellreadneck: One of the best things about being gay is that if I'm disappointed, I can just flip him over.

You realize that is about the most imminently quotable queerism ever right?

/notagay
//butthatthereisdamnfunny
///3's


That is, seriously, the funniest gay quote I've ever read. As for the article, my schwanz is big enough for my wife and for proper bathroom etiquette. It can hide when I need to protect it. It can dangle when I need to show it off. In short, my genitals work for me, one of the few things on my worthless body that does work for me.

/stupid eyes
//and lungs
 
2013-11-24 12:03:19 AM  

Smeggy Smurf: That has to be the most farked up thing I've seen in my 10 years on Fark.  Well played snarkmeister


You are welcome come coming commminng cooominnning. aaaaaahhhhhhh gggrrrasghhhhhhhhhh
ahhhhhhhhhhh
 
2013-11-24 12:04:15 AM  
 
2013-11-24 12:05:17 AM  
When things start heating up at the bar, and I feel like it's time to make a move, I just whisper into her ear: "I can lick your bellybutton..... from the inside."

Phil Clinton: It may look like a needle, but it works like a sewing machine *wink* *wink*...


I've seen a few Jap porn videos that seam to follow that thread.
 
2013-11-24 12:05:54 AM  

whatshisname: Sock Ruh Tease: Guys can make up for a small penis in one of two ways:

1) Money
2) Cunnilingus

Works every time

3) Technique


Not much technique when you're trying to ride a rowboat on the Pacific Ocean.
 
2013-11-24 12:06:26 AM  
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I can't draw a bong to save my life
 
2013-11-24 12:06:41 AM  

dahmers love zombie: Well, I don't know.  I'm around 7 inches if the Cialis really kicks in, but we've got this big pink 9 inch latex monstrosity that vibrates, and when you put my wife together with THAT thing PLUS her Hitachi Magic Wand in the other hand, really all I need to do is fetch her a drink when she's done.


FTFY
 
2013-11-24 12:07:43 AM  
Guys who are concerned about their penis size are either

1. adolescent virgins,
2. either sexually incompetent or always going out with sexually incompetent partners, or
3. have a micropenis.

Number 3 is the only valid excuse for caring.
 
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