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(The Raw Story)   Jesus was a "man's man" who "smelled bad" and had "big, bulging biceps and big ole veins popping out of his arms"   (rawstory.com ) divider line
    More: Obvious, LGBT, Right Wing Watch, Son of God, Jerry Boykin  
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3266 clicks; posted to Politics » on 18 Nov 2013 at 5:51 PM (2 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-11-18 04:25:34 PM  
"Do you think he looked like the effeminate picture that we always see of him?" Boykin asked. "He didn't look like that. He had big ole calluses over his hands, right? I imagine he probably lost a nail or two, he probably hit it with a hammer or something."

img2-2.timeinc.net
 
2013-11-18 04:27:11 PM  
"He had big ole calluses over his hands, right? I imagine he probably lost a nail or two, he probably hit it with a hammer or something.  You think his biceps weren't big bulging biceps, big ole veins popping out of his arms, thin waist, strong shoulders from lifting? He smelled bad! Why? Because he sweated, he worked. You think I'm sacrilegious because I said Jesus smelled bad? No, he was a man! He was a man's man."

That is somewhere between Tom of Finland Gay and Top Gun Volleyball Gay. And I don't know which is more gay.
 
2013-11-18 04:33:51 PM  
Dude, go ahead an invent whatever homoerotic fantasy feel like worshipping. It's fine with me. But don't go pretending that we have to respect opinions and rules that were invented whole cloth by "the church" just because that's where they happened to originate.
 
2013-11-18 04:33:53 PM  
Ah yes.  A man living in the Middle East 2000 years ago looked exactly like he grew up on a 1950s ranch in West Texas and *not* like someone who would be eyed with suspicion boarding an airplane...
 
2013-11-18 04:39:56 PM  
Boykin.  A slightly less uncivilized Fred Phelps.

F*ck that guy.
 
2013-11-18 04:40:54 PM  
Not to be sacrilegious or anything, but how good of a carpenter could He have been if He hung it up to jump into the high paying world of itinerant preaching?
 
2013-11-18 04:46:53 PM  
Gay for Jesus. That was almost satire how latent homosexual erotic that was.
 
2013-11-18 04:47:06 PM  
I don't think a guy wearing a shirt like that should be commenting on what is or is not effeminate.
 
2013-11-18 04:51:14 PM  
Well, now I can say I finally know where the phrase "Jesus, put on some deodorant" comes from.
 
2013-11-18 04:53:22 PM  
Oh, and he was black.

i50.photobucket.com
 
2013-11-18 04:54:49 PM  
What do you mean? I'm the most devout member of your flock.

Portraying Jesus has nothing to do with religious devotion. It's all about the abs.

What?!

You're too fat. Look at any crucifix. Jesus is always shredded.

images.tvrage.com

/Did he talk about the "savior bulge"?
 
2013-11-18 04:56:08 PM  
Wow, talk about projection.

It's not gay if the balls don't touch it's Jesus.
 
2013-11-18 05:01:56 PM  
img.fark.net

img.fark.net

img.fark.net
 
2013-11-18 05:03:20 PM  
sounds like this guy has spend a LOT of time thinking about Jesus' bulging muscles.
 
2013-11-18 05:04:35 PM  

FlashHarry: sounds like this guy has spend a LOT of time thinking about Jesus' bulging muscles.


One of Jesus's lesser known miracles was turning the anus from an exit into an entrance.
 
2013-11-18 05:05:16 PM  
WOW! That was..... odd.  You know I really thought it was just a stereotype that homophobes were really repressed gay individuals but in all my years I have never heard a penthouse style letter featuring Jesus but that sure was the opening paragraph.
 
2013-11-18 05:07:10 PM  

vernonFL: Gay for Jesus. That was almost satire how latent homosexual erotic that was.


I think it actually made me a little straight.
 
2013-11-18 05:08:45 PM  

gunslinger_RG: WOW! That was..... odd.  You know I really thought it was just a stereotype that homophobes were really repressed gay individuals but in all my years I have never heard a penthouse style letter featuring Jesus but that sure was the opening paragraph.


Dear Lay Witness

I never really thought this would happen to me, but today, I felt the holy spirit inside me... DEEP INSIDE ME.
 
2013-11-18 05:13:09 PM  
so, we are talking about a guy that hung around with a bunch of other guys all the time, never got married and had no kids... and he's a "man's man"?

I'm pretty sure Stephen Lynch has a song about this... yup
 
2013-11-18 05:13:13 PM  

FirstNationalBastard: gunslinger_RG: WOW! That was..... odd.  You know I really thought it was just a stereotype that homophobes were really repressed gay individuals but in all my years I have never heard a penthouse style letter featuring Jesus but that sure was the opening paragraph.

Dear Lay Witness

I never really thought this would happen to me, but today, I felt the holy spirit inside me... DEEP INSIDE ME.


Communion just a got whole lot kinkier.

"Eat this.  Drink this."

"Yes SIR!"
 
2013-11-18 05:13:25 PM  
The Totally Not Gay Lt. Gen. Jerry Boykin:
img.fark.net
"I enjoy thinking of sweaty, smelly men with bulging muscles."
 
2013-11-18 05:16:41 PM  
I just have to put this out there:

"You think his biceps weren't big bulging biceps, big ole veins popping out of his arms, thin waist, strong shoulders from lifting?" he continued. "He smelled bad! Why? Because he sweated, he worked. You think I'm sacrilegious because I said Jesus smelled bad? No, he was a man! He was a man's man."

OK, I'm now laughing out loud.  Seriously - if that isn't soft-core gay porn, I don't know what is.
 
2013-11-18 05:21:06 PM  
Little known fact: Jesus did curls in the squat rack.
 
2013-11-18 05:24:08 PM  
you could probably build a papier maché igloo with all the soiled copies of Muscle & Fitness this guy has gone through over the past couple of years.
 
2013-11-18 05:29:41 PM  
Those stars on his shoulders are just to show you where to put your hands.
 
2013-11-18 05:36:43 PM  
Jesus was an architect previous to his career as a prophet.
 
2013-11-18 05:40:04 PM  
if jesus smelled bad knocking up a couple of door frames, how bad does god smell after knocking up the whole farking universe?
 
2013-11-18 05:54:07 PM  
loltheists.com
 
2013-11-18 05:57:48 PM  
farm2.staticflickr.com
 
2013-11-18 05:58:01 PM  
imageshack.us

Sounds like soldier boy is bitter because he can't accept that his Jesus was quite effeminate. The earliest depictions of Jesus show him wearing flowing gowns and soft pastels. And most importantly, in pink. And these go back to the 15th century. Apparently, people back then knew something about Jesus that modern day Christians are trying so hard to deny and hide.

General sweaty muscles wants to change Jesus. Jesus isn't macho enough for him. He wants to make a man out of him. If not, he can break his limp wrists!
 
2013-11-18 05:58:59 PM  
media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com

/GIS muscle jesus
 
2013-11-18 05:59:16 PM  
I'm pretty sure he's referring to Jesus "Profit" Quintana, currently serving 25-life in Singsing
 
2013-11-18 05:59:21 PM  
Bears for Jesus
 
2013-11-18 06:00:14 PM  
Jesus probably was fairly tough, but he wouldn't have looked like a modern bodybuilder the way this guy seems to be describing.
 
2013-11-18 06:00:24 PM  
No, you're thinking of the Hulk. Try again.
 
2013-11-18 06:00:45 PM  
Jesus? You wanna hear about Jesus? He were six foot ten with a beard that people sometime mistook for a grizzly bar and he swung a hammer as big as a gawdurn anvil. He made hisself clothes of tiger pelts and over his shoulder were slung the biggest meanest rifle you ever did see. Across his chest he wore a bandolier filled with steel-banded orca teeth and that's what he shot outta that gun of his, that is, if he aimed to just wound ya so he could give ya a good talkin' to about needin' to repent. For demons and such he had special ammo in a pouch like you see in them old timey Liefeld comics and lord them shells exploded like nobody's business, tweren't nothin' left when he put one o' them into somethin'. His voice was like a jet engine and he smelled like ten tons of weightlifting gorilla. A real man's man, that Jesus.
 
2013-11-18 06:00:47 PM  
wp.patheos.com.s3.amazonaws.com
 
2013-11-18 06:01:48 PM  

Monkeyfark Ridiculous: Jesus? You wanna hear about Jesus? He were six foot ten with a beard that people sometime mistook for a grizzly bar and he swung a hammer as big as a gawdurn anvil. He made hisself clothes of tiger pelts and over his shoulder were slung the biggest meanest rifle you ever did see. Across his chest he wore a bandolier filled with steel-banded orca teeth and that's what he shot outta that gun of his, that is, if he aimed to just wound ya so he could give ya a good talkin' to about needin' to repent. For demons and such he had special ammo in a pouch like you see in them old timey Liefeld comics and lord them shells exploded like nobody's business, tweren't nothin' left when he put one o' them into somethin'. His voice was like a jet engine and he smelled like ten tons of weightlifting gorilla. A real man's man, that Jesus.


OMG....Chuck Norris is Jesus!
 
2013-11-18 06:02:25 PM  
Where is your God now?

Apparently hanging out in an airport men's room.
 
2013-11-18 06:02:53 PM  

Monkeyfark Ridiculous: Jesus? You wanna hear about Jesus? He were six foot ten with a beard that people sometime mistook for a grizzly bar and he swung a hammer as big as a gawdurn anvil. He made hisself clothes of tiger pelts and over his shoulder were slung the biggest meanest rifle you ever did see. Across his chest he wore a bandolier filled with steel-banded orca teeth and that's what he shot outta that gun of his, that is, if he aimed to just wound ya so he could give ya a good talkin' to about needin' to repent. For demons and such he had special ammo in a pouch like you see in them old timey Liefeld comics and lord them shells exploded like nobody's business, tweren't nothin' left when he put one o' them into somethin'. His voice was like a jet engine and he smelled like ten tons of weightlifting gorilla. A real man's man, that Jesus.


TO BILL BRASKY... I mean JESUS OUR SAVIOR.
 
2013-11-18 06:03:44 PM  
he probably lost a nail or two, he probably hit it with a hammer or something

Nope, he actually gained a nail or two. And the Romans were the ones hitting them with hammers.
 
2013-11-18 06:04:35 PM  

Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: "Do you think he looked like the effeminate picture that we always see of him?" Boykin asked. "He didn't look like that. He had big ole calluses over his hands, right? I imagine he probably lost a nail or two, he probably hit it with a hammer or something."

[img2-2.timeinc.net image 300x300]


Beat me to it.
 
2013-11-18 06:05:28 PM  
I bet Jesus smelled like sperm and blood.
 
2013-11-18 06:05:59 PM  
Um, Jesus was a Rabbi, he probably hadn't sweated once in his life after childhood helping around the shop, that was like the one job in Roman times that literally involved no physical labor whatsoever.

I mean, theoretically... in actual terms, the guy never historically existed (as a single person, at least, he appears to be 8 or 10 different legends squished together from a time period where if you pulled ten random people form Judea at least 3 of them would claim to be the Christ).
 
2013-11-18 06:07:21 PM  
Well, duh.

Jesus built up some muscles and a good sweat from all that yard work.

latimesblogs.latimes.com
 
2013-11-18 06:07:46 PM  
Do you think he looked like the effeminate picture that we always see of him? He didn't look like that. He had big ole calluses over his hands, right? I imagine he probably lost a nail or two, he probably hit it with a hammer or something.

You think his biceps weren't big bulging biceps, big ole veins popping out of his arms, thin waist, strong shoulders from lifting? He smelled bad! Why? Because he sweated, he worked. You think I'm sacrilegious because I said Jesus smelled bad? No, he was a man! He was a man's man.

Every night you come into my room, Jesus, and pin me down with your strong arms. You pin me down, and I try to fight you, but you come inside me, you fill me up... It's just two men sharing the night, it might seem wrong, but it's just right! It's just two men sharing each other, it's just two men like loving brothers. One on top and one on bottom, one inside and one is out, one is screaming he's so happy, the other's screaming a passionate shout.

Yeah.
 
2013-11-18 06:08:35 PM  
Made me think of:

Rachel Hansen: Better that you find this out now before you come home and find her in bed with Lars from Norway.

Tom: Who's Lars from Norway?

Rachel Hansen: Just some guy she met at the gym with Brad Pitt's face and Jesus' abs.
 
2013-11-18 06:09:42 PM  
"He was a tough guy, and that's the Jesus I want to be like," he insisted. "But we feminize Jesus in the church and men can't identify with him anymore, not the kind of men I want to hang out with."

General Boykin is into bears.
 
2013-11-18 06:10:52 PM  
He was a man's man. When he siddled back behind you, and he spit on your man clam, you just gritted your teeth and let him do god's work. Not sissy jesus. He just wailed on that prostate like you knew he meant it. and he'd bear hug you with those bulging arms so there was no point in struggling. He wouldn't waste his time jerking you off. It wouldn't matter anyway, because you were stiff as a board in awe of his hammer skills and overt masculinity. That's my jesus. Not some fruit.
 
2013-11-18 06:12:56 PM  
Not a new idea

But the whole point of big religions is that people can read pretty much whatever they want in them. If he wants to imagine a Jesus as a bear, then a bear Jesus will be.
 
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