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(The Duffel Blog)   I'm pretty sure every veteran on Fark will back me up and say, "yes, this is exactly what would happen if the military was issued light sabers"   (duffelblog.com) divider line 112
    More: Satire, Prisoner abuse, military  
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16736 clicks; posted to Main » on 16 Nov 2013 at 4:45 AM (40 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



112 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2013-11-15 09:51:33 PM
I'm surprised they issue real bullets and not blanks to most people.
 
2013-11-15 09:56:42 PM
I'm fairly certain my entire company would have been dead or wounded within three hours of those being issued.
 
2013-11-15 10:38:23 PM
www.galacticbinder.com

I'd picture this, with more dismemberment.
 
2013-11-15 10:46:18 PM
These guys give The Onion a run for its money. ;)
 
2013-11-15 11:11:17 PM
fc06.deviantart.net


More believable
 
2013-11-15 11:55:10 PM
Honestly, I don't care for satire that often, I find that reality is ridiculous enough without exaggerating it.  That being said, I got a pretty decent chuckle out of this piece.  So, thanks subby.
 
2013-11-16 01:11:57 AM
"Even with having the most professional military in the world," said Pentagon spokesman George Little, "we did not anticipate the unintended consequences. Apparently, when you give soldiers a weapon they've dreamed about their entire lives, their intelligence drops to the level of a retarded monkey."

I am amused.
And yeah, I could see this happening.
 
2013-11-16 04:47:22 AM
I disagree, subby. They would probably say, "...if the military WERE issued light sabers".
 
2013-11-16 04:48:40 AM
This wouldn't happen if they were in the Marine Core.
 
2013-11-16 04:55:27 AM
I wish they had played it a bit straighter. "retarded monkey" comments make the satire less biting.
 
2013-11-16 04:55:30 AM
How about the President?

www.esreality.com
 
2013-11-16 04:57:12 AM
well, duh..........
 
2013-11-16 05:00:40 AM
The test program - which was supposed to last three months - was pulled less than 36 hours later. The final nail in the coffin came when Private Derrick Jones asked a seemingly innocent question.

"Dude," said Jones. "Do you think I could block a bullet?"


I would expect that to happen sooner than 36 hours in.
 
2013-11-16 05:01:43 AM

FatherChaos: How about the President?

img.fark.net


Wait... aren't sith supposed to have colors like red or something?
 
2013-11-16 05:02:40 AM
I find your lack of faith HILARIOUS!
 
2013-11-16 05:03:47 AM

Weatherkiss: This wouldn't happen if they were in the Marine Core.


Know how I know you're not a Marine?
 
2013-11-16 05:04:53 AM

I Like Bread: I disagree, subby. They would probably say, "...if the military WERE issued light sabers".


No they wouldn't. They would say "if the military be issued lightsabers."
 
2013-11-16 05:06:18 AM

HindiDiscoMonster: FatherChaos: How about the President?

[img.fark.net image 500x362]

Wait... aren't sith supposed to have colors like red or something?


farm3.staticflickr.com
 
2013-11-16 05:06:56 AM

kgloverfl: Weatherkiss: This wouldn't happen if they were in the Marine Core.

Know how I know you're not a Marine?


Don't be funning with the Marine Corpse.
 
2013-11-16 05:09:53 AM

I Like Bread: I disagree, subby. They would probably say, "...if the military WERE issued light sabers"

.

I disagree, Bread. They would probably say, "...if the military WERE issued light sabers in this area, at this time." Because militry inteligence.
 
2013-11-16 05:20:49 AM
that was pretty dumb
 
2013-11-16 05:22:30 AM
OK, I LOL'd. Probably wouldn't really be that bad that fast, but yeah - every service has a few Hold My Beer And Watch This kinda people.

I worked in that hospital in Germany they mention, and we got our share of the results of folks doing dumb things - guys trying to rappel out the 4th floor window, putting someone in a metal locker and throwing him out the 2nd floor window, sliding down a freshly-waxed hallway and imbedding a doorstop in the thigh, etc.
 
2013-11-16 05:25:37 AM
Another responsible lightsaber owner.
 
2013-11-16 05:27:07 AM

phrawgh: kgloverfl: Weatherkiss: This wouldn't happen if they were in the Marine Core.

Know how I know you're not a Marine?

Don't be funning with the Marine Corpse.


Seems they'll let anyone inside the Marine Corpse these days.

justalittlefurther.com
 
2013-11-16 05:39:01 AM

kgloverfl: Weatherkiss: This wouldn't happen if they were in the Marine Core.

Know how I know you're not a Marine?


spelling 'corps' as 'core' is a Fark meme that pops up occasionally.

here's the origin from 2007
 
2013-11-16 05:43:41 AM
The military keeps a ton of crap locked up tight, for good reason.  A lightsaber is the ultimate skeleton key.
 
2013-11-16 05:50:54 AM
Please tell me this is a joke.......please!!!!

/bwahahahahahaha
 
2013-11-16 06:03:53 AM

Rani13: Please tell me this is a joke.......please!!!!

/bwahahahahahaha


Well I'd assume Duffle Blog is the same as ARRSE (Army Rumour Service) just one is American and the other British.

OTOH it is probably an accurate description of what would happen if you gave squaddies lightsabres.
 
2013-11-16 06:05:28 AM
MadameX: every service has a few Hold My Beer And Watch This kinda people.

Yeah, on subs they are called Auxiliary Division, aka A-Gang. Great guys individually, but a bunch of redneck cluebags as a group generally. Were this real, the number of boats that would never return to port would be terrifying. But the antics that led up to that would be hilarious.
 
2013-11-16 06:20:54 AM
36 hours? You know that got revoked by local command in 36 minutes.
 
2013-11-16 06:25:04 AM
i135.photobucket.com


And yes there is always one in every company...

i135.photobucket.com
 
2013-11-16 06:28:14 AM
They took our bayonets away in Bosnia. Swear to Effin' God. Because dudes were screwing around and cutting themselves.
 
2013-11-16 06:32:14 AM
Okay, YOU try controlling a weapon with no weight, air resistance, heat, or other way to tell just where the fark it is in spatial relation to yourself, without the Force, subby.
 
2013-11-16 06:33:36 AM

HindiDiscoMonster: FatherChaos: How about the President?

[img.fark.net image 500x362]

Wait... aren't sith supposed to have colors like red or something?


No, that`s the bad guys. You know, the red side.
 
2013-11-16 06:34:35 AM

kgloverfl: Weatherkiss: This wouldn't happen if they were in the Marine Core.

Know how I know you're not a Marine?


Know how I know you're new here?
 
2013-11-16 06:37:43 AM

Alocksly: They took our bayonets away in Bosnia. Swear to Effin' God. Because dudes were screwing around and cutting themselves.


I can believe it, two weeks after we got the new "high intensity flashlights" (aka mag lights) they were recalled because battery use had skyrocketed due to "lightsaber" fights, also less than a week after we got our night vision goggles (this was early 80s when the only experience we had with NVG was from movies) the word came down from on high that "no, NVGs CANNOT see through walls and anyone found using them outside the female latrine would be called in for office hours
 
2013-11-16 06:55:33 AM
Alocksly: They took our bayonets away in Bosnia. Swear to Effin' God. Because dudes were screwing around and cutting themselves.

Oh, I believe it. The Marines had a massive safety standown after 3 of 'em got their green laser less-than-lethal "dazzler" mixed up with a long range laser designator.

"Hey, let's see what this thing does to people!"
"Ow! I can't see!"
"Naaah you pansy, it's just a dazzler. Here, let me see it!
"Ow! I can't see!"
Rinse - Repeat
 
2013-11-16 07:10:15 AM
Anyone who has ever seen that certain twinkle of stupidity, fear and power in someone's eyes the first time they handle a hand grenade knows this is accurate.
 
2013-11-16 07:12:37 AM
there's always a learning curve with a new weapons system.
My guys would have tried to shave with the darn things.


Airborne
 
2013-11-16 07:27:16 AM

MadameX: OK, I LOL'd. Probably wouldn't really be that bad that fast, but yeah - every service has a few Hold My Beer And Watch This kinda people.

I worked in that hospital in Germany they mention, and we got our share of the results of folks doing dumb things - guys trying to rappel out the 4th floor window, putting someone in a metal locker and throwing him out the 2nd floor window, sliding down a freshly-waxed hallway and imbedding a doorstop in the thigh, etc.



Frankly, I'm amazed this thing didn't send half my troop to the hospital during (reserve) basic training:
 www.parish-supply.com

The urge to stand on it and spin around was overwhelming, but virtually guaranteed to generate stupid injuries.
 
2013-11-16 07:36:40 AM

FatherDale: kgloverfl: Weatherkiss: This wouldn't happen if they were in the Marine Core.

Know how I know you're not a Marine?

Know how I know you're new here?


Give him a break; I bet he's a real soldier in the Core. Me, I went to Annapolis with five dependents and then made O5 in 3 weeks.
 
2013-11-16 07:42:47 AM
You sound old
 
2013-11-16 07:45:12 AM

FatherDale: kgloverfl: Weatherkiss: This wouldn't happen if they were in the Marine Core.

Know how I know you're not a Marine?

Know how I know you're new here?


You sound old
 
2013-11-16 07:47:10 AM

kgloverfl: FatherDale: kgloverfl: Weatherkiss: This wouldn't happen if they were in the Marine Core.

Know how I know you're not a Marine?

Know how I know you're new here?

You sound old


Geezerly, even.
 
2013-11-16 07:50:28 AM
It doesn't matter what a group of GI's get a hold of, they will most certainly find a way to use it for amusement.  A light saber would be no different, just more lethal.

/aircraft maintenance
 
2013-11-16 07:51:13 AM

kgloverfl: FatherDale: kgloverfl: Weatherkiss: This wouldn't happen if they were in the Marine Core.

Know how I know you're not a Marine?

Know how I know you're new here?

You sound old


Don't take it hard, junior. Everyone was new at some point.
 
2013-11-16 07:52:14 AM

FatherDale: kgloverfl: FatherDale: kgloverfl: Weatherkiss: This wouldn't happen if they were in the Marine Core.

Know how I know you're not a Marine?

Know how I know you're new here?

You sound old

Geezerly, even.


Now that we got that settled, GET OFF MY LAWN!
 
2013-11-16 07:56:57 AM
What about light cutlasses?
 
2013-11-16 08:03:46 AM
Because Marine Oorah is no substitute for Jedi stoicism.
 
2013-11-16 08:07:12 AM

starsrift: Okay, YOU try controlling a weapon with no weight, air resistance, heat, or other way to tell just where the fark it is in spatial relation to yourself, without the Force, subby.


Heck, the first thing Luke does when handed it is to point it directly at his eyeball
 
2013-11-16 08:11:31 AM

Weatherkiss: This wouldn't happen if they were in the Marine Core.


As stale as this joke is, I still laugh every time.
 
2013-11-16 08:16:18 AM
They forgot the random private who, within a half-hour of being issued his lightsaber, would have managed to break it.
 
2013-11-16 08:19:17 AM

Alocksly: They took our bayonets away in Bosnia. Swear to Effin' God. Because dudes were screwing around and cutting themselves.


They took away our grenades.
 
2013-11-16 08:19:43 AM

Fano: starsrift: Okay, YOU try controlling a weapon with no weight, air resistance, heat, or other way to tell just where the fark it is in spatial relation to yourself, without the Force, subby.

Heck, the first thing Luke does when handed it is to point it directly at his eyeball


Well that would have shortened the movie considerably.

"Your father's lightsaber. This is the weapon of... wait, don't hold it like that."
"What's this button d-[fshzzzz] AAAAAA!"
"[sigh] Oh dear. That boy was our last hope. Pity he was so very stupid."
 
2013-11-16 08:23:51 AM
Had an instructor put it this way... "One of you could be locked in a padded cell, naked with a bowling ball. Half an hour later the bowling ball would be broken into two pieces, one of which would be missing."
 
2013-11-16 08:27:21 AM
Yuuuuuup.

Those things would interfere with the reflective belts that keep you safe ... somehow.
 
2013-11-16 08:28:41 AM
At my unit, there is an NCO who keeps a replica of a thermal detonator on his desk.

Some guys have dummy grenades, he kept a thermal detonator.  Most people didn't get it.  They thought it was a fancy paperweight, or some kind of art sculpture, or some weird electronic game, or just an unrecognizable knickknack.

I was the first person to identify it as what it was.  I told him I'd see his thermal detonator and raise him a lightsaber.  Considered bringing in my replica lightsaber.   Thought better of it.

Yes. . .if they made real, working lightsabers and issued them to the troops it would end an awful lot like that.
 
2013-11-16 08:32:19 AM
This is farkin' hilarious.
 
2013-11-16 08:48:34 AM
Do you think the author ever read this?

Je' die
 
2013-11-16 08:49:01 AM
"Apparently, when you give soldiers a weapon they've dreamed about their entire lives, their intelligence drops to the level of a retarded monkey.""

Or approximately that of the average Star Wars fanboy.
 
2013-11-16 09:18:07 AM
Wouldn't casually walking down the street with the light saber on be the same as walking down the street while holding a gun that's randomly firing?
 
2013-11-16 09:20:59 AM
After witnessing the number of horrible marksman while in the military, at least having a light saber would guarantee contact with the enemy ... as long as you turned and pushed them in the right direction... ;)
 
2013-11-16 09:21:02 AM

WittyReference: Had an instructor put it this way... "One of you could be locked in a padded cell, naked with a bowling ball. Half an hour later the bowling ball would be broken into two pieces, one of which would be missing."


I am confused....
 
2013-11-16 09:33:33 AM

One Bad Apple: [fc06.deviantart.net image 750x600]


More believable


I guarantee you that guy actually did that. First, he's not on base- he's in front of a shooting range. Second, that chainsaw is the insides of a Harbor Freight electric chain saw. Sure, getting power to it wuld be a pain, but obviously, this guy did it for shiats and giggles anyways.
 
2013-11-16 09:43:29 AM

Gonz: They forgot the random private who, within a half-hour of being issued his lightsaber, would have managed to break it.


If you want to learn an item's MTBF, just give it to a junior sailor. They can break anything in 60 minutes or less, guaranteed.

/sailor proof?
//no such thing
 
2013-11-16 09:45:14 AM
Yes, this is exactly what would happen if the military was issued light sabers.
 
2013-11-16 09:47:01 AM

Maul555: WittyReference: Had an instructor put it this way... "One of you could be locked in a padded cell, naked with a bowling ball. Half an hour later the bowling ball would be broken into two pieces, one of which would be missing."

I am confused....


I had a Drill Sergeant tell me the same little joke.

It's remarking on the incredible incompetence of new privates (as in still in Basic or only recently graduated) to find ways to break ANYTHING, even things that are supposed to be unbreakable. . .then somehow they'll even manage to lose the parts to what they broke to make it harder to fix.

No matter how toughened and hardened, how idiot-proof, simplified and ruggedized you make something, they'll still find ways to break it.
 
2013-11-16 09:48:26 AM
Yes, this is exactly what would happen if the military was issued light sabers.

/Veteran
 
2013-11-16 10:11:47 AM
During the Cuban Crisis our small Air Force installation (in the States) required us to stand guard duty. After one guy fired his carbine when he couldn't figure any other way to empty it, They taped the clips to the stock, but we still had to stand guard. It was about this time I realized the military life wasn't for me.
 
2013-11-16 10:12:45 AM
Completely believable. One of the worst physical injuries my oldest son got while playing Doc for the Marines was a broken thumb while "play" fighting with some jarhead. Horsing around is probably the main cause of non-combat related injuries.
 
2013-11-16 10:34:48 AM
I once broke a guys ankle when we were playing soccer for PT one day. We were all wearing our boots because.
 
2013-11-16 10:36:27 AM

Silverstaff: Maul555: WittyReference: Had an instructor put it this way... "One of you could be locked in a padded cell, naked with a bowling ball. Half an hour later the bowling ball would be broken into two pieces, one of which would be missing."

I am confused....

I had a Drill Sergeant tell me the same little joke.

It's remarking on the incredible incompetence of new privates (as in still in Basic or only recently graduated) to find ways to break ANYTHING, even things that are supposed to be unbreakable. . .then somehow they'll even manage to lose the parts to what they broke to make it harder to fix.

No matter how toughened and hardened, how idiot-proof, simplified and ruggedized you make something, they'll still find ways to break it.


rofl, ok now that is funny as hell
 
2013-11-16 10:37:56 AM
At some point you'd have a couple guys facing off in the barracks and it will go something like this...

Marine 1: Helmet! So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time.

Marine 2: You have the ring, and I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now let's see how well you handle it.

/cue lightsabers swinging and something getting destroyed right as the drill sergeant walks in
 
2013-11-16 10:41:15 AM

Pribar: And yes there is always one in every company...


The guy in his undies just woke up due to a taliban attack. So, I don't think it's really fair to call him an idiot. That said, it does look funny as hell.
 
2013-11-16 10:48:06 AM
Personally I'd rather have a Zat'nik'tel.
 
2013-11-16 10:52:08 AM

Lachwen: The test program - which was supposed to last three months - was pulled less than 36 hours later. The final nail in the coffin came when Private Derrick Jones asked a seemingly innocent question.

"Dude," said Jones. "Do you think I could block a bullet?"

I would expect that to happen sooner than 36 hours in.


Yup.
 
2013-11-16 11:05:41 AM
I can imagine it now.
Drill Sergeant to new recruits in basic: "Dirtbags, this is the MR2D2 light saber. It's not as clumsy or random as rifles. With it you can effectively cripple an enemy without killing them. When you remove a limb, it cauterizes as you cut in order to minimize blood loss. It can also go through solid steel or stone and can be used to get through barriers you ordinarily wouldn't be able to pass..."

Private who's only half paying attention to the speech is toying with his and manages to turn it on while it's pointed at the soldier next to him...
 
2013-11-16 11:12:09 AM
Yes, this is exactly what would happen if the military was issued light sabers.
 
2013-11-16 11:33:35 AM

JohnAnnArbor: What about light cutlasses?


I want a light claymore.
 
2013-11-16 11:39:37 AM
Hmm light chakram...
 
2013-11-16 11:46:39 AM

Richard C Stanford: Pribar: And yes there is always one in every company...

The guy in his undies just woke up due to a taliban attack. So, I don't think it's really fair to call him an idiot. That said, it does look funny as hell.


I know the backstory but think of it this way, you are in a combat zone, on a forward base at that, knowing that at any time day or night you could be attacked:
1-why would you wear, even to rack out, something that will draw the eye, and thus the fire, of anyone within a 2 mile radius
2-would you really want THAT to be the last thing you ever wore?
 
2013-11-16 12:09:07 PM

Silverstaff: No matter how toughened and hardened, how idiot-proof, simplified and ruggedized you make something, they'll still find ways to break it.


Nature's response to an idiot-proof system is to evolve a better idiot.
 
2013-11-16 12:24:39 PM

Mirandized: During the Cuban Crisis our small Air Force installation (in the States) required us to stand guard duty. After one guy fired his carbine when he couldn't figure any other way to empty it, They taped the clips to the stock, but we still had to stand guard. It was about this time I realized the military life wasn't for me.


During the (first) Gulf War, I occasionally had to do guard duty.    We were issued magazine pouches with loaded magazines, but with instructions not to load the weapon unless fired upon.  

Apparently some of the troops were pilfering ammo out of the mags because they started issuing magazine pouches taped closed with tamper-evident tape.   Good thing we never came under attack because you'd be dead by the time you got the pouch open. 

A few of the more responsible airmen were told (privately, unofficially, and off the record) to buy their own magazine and ammo and keep it out of sight.

A buddy of mine in the ANG told me how they had to guard a shipment of ammo, but weren't issued any for their weapons.  The person in charge of the detail took the initiative to crack open one of the boxes and issue rounds to the platoon, then box everything back up just before they arrived.
 
2013-11-16 12:28:37 PM
Want to see a lifer senior NCO sweat?  First day taking boots to the range.
 
2013-11-16 12:36:34 PM

2wolves: Want to see a lifer senior NCO sweat?  First day taking boots to the range.


I could see them sweating there, but for real good heavy sweat I gotta go with live grenade exercise day.
 
2013-11-16 12:47:37 PM

Gleeman: Gonz: They forgot the random private who, within a half-hour of being issued his lightsaber, would have managed to break it.

If you want to learn an item's MTBF, just give it to a junior sailor. They can break anything in 60 minutes or less, guaranteed.

/sailor proof?
//no such thing


I fetched the chief 6 foot of water-line without breaking it!
 
2013-11-16 12:49:09 PM
These tales of military incompetence and shenannigans are brightening my day for some reason.
 
2013-11-16 12:52:30 PM
What they wouldnt hook then to Humvee wheels and reenact the chariot race from Spartacus?
 
2013-11-16 01:04:24 PM

Dingleberry Dickwad: 2wolves: Want to see a lifer senior NCO sweat?  First day taking boots to the range.

I could see them sweating there, but for real good heavy sweat I gotta go with live grenade exercise day.


The live grenade NCO has the worst job in the entire military. About 300 trainees coming through in a morning, and no way to tell which one has the butterfingers.
 
2013-11-16 01:29:12 PM

ZeroPly: Dingleberry Dickwad: 2wolves: Want to see a lifer senior NCO sweat?  First day taking boots to the range.

I could see them sweating there, but for real good heavy sweat I gotta go with live grenade exercise day.

The live grenade NCO has the worst job in the entire military. About 300 trainees coming through in a morning, and no way to tell which one has the butterfingers.


Or which one is going to be the one that forgets to have their fingers over the "spoon" when they pull the pin. I always wondered why they never had the recruits do a practice with a couple smoke grenades first, less chance of serious injury.

Either way I'll never forget my day on the grenade range. We're standing in line with our flak jackets on, when we get our grenades they opened up those heavy black cardboard tubes and handed us two of the bottom halves of the tubes each with a grenade in them. Our drill sergeants instructed us to clutch them to our chest and stand in line with them like that. Drill Sergeant Bidlack, who looked exactly like the old WWF wrestler Sgt Slaughter in his smokey the bear hat, sunglasses and mustache, walked by and unbeknownst to us recruits had dropped a pin and spoon to the floor next to me. He bellows "Private, what the hell are these doing here!" and points to the floor. I freak the hell out, put my grenades on the floor and run the hell off as far as I could in the bunker we were in. Everyone that was near me starts freaking the hell out and the whole time the Drill Sergeants are laughing their asses off at our expense. He then bends down and pulls my two grenades out of the tubes, both which have the pin and spoon in place, and shows us.

/yeah yeah, csb
 
2013-11-16 01:56:16 PM

Combustion: Gleeman: Gonz: They forgot the random private who, within a half-hour of being issued his lightsaber, would have managed to break it.

If you want to learn an item's MTBF, just give it to a junior sailor. They can break anything in 60 minutes or less, guaranteed.

/sailor proof?
//no such thing

I fetched the chief 6 foot of water-line without breaking it!


Sure, but you probably got relative bearing grease all over it first.

/not veteran, but a navy brat
 
2013-11-16 02:12:53 PM

Dingleberry Dickwad: I always wondered why they never had the recruits do a practice with a couple smoke grenades first, less chance of serious injury.


We did practice with fused dummy grenades. The entire fusing system on the M67 screws into the body on the grenade. They have grenade bodies that have been drilled and had the explosives removed. The grenade range instructors put new fuses in them and you practice with those. They work just like the real thing and make a loud pop when they go off. After that the instructor just unscrews the old fuse, puts a new one in and it's ready to be used again.

At the range, first you start out with the lecture/instruction, then go through the hand motions, then dummy grenades with no fuses, then dummies with fuses as described above, then finally 2 of the real deal. When I went through, if you messed up at all on any of the practice throws at any point before the real grenades, you got sent back to start the entire training session over again. There are always stories of "I heard two cycles before this a drill sergeant got killed at the grenade range", but I never saw it or met anyone else who actually saw it. Just rumors.
 
2013-11-16 02:24:14 PM

taurusowner: Dingleberry Dickwad: I always wondered why they never had the recruits do a practice with a couple smoke grenades first, less chance of serious injury.

We did practice with fused dummy grenades. The entire fusing system on the M67 screws into the body on the grenade. They have grenade bodies that have been drilled and had the explosives removed. The grenade range instructors put new fuses in them and you practice with those. They work just like the real thing and make a loud pop when they go off. After that the instructor just unscrews the old fuse, puts a new one in and it's ready to be used again.

At the range, first you start out with the lecture/instruction, then go through the hand motions, then dummy grenades with no fuses, then dummies with fuses as described above, then finally 2 of the real deal. When I went through, if you messed up at all on any of the practice throws at any point before the real grenades, you got sent back to start the entire training session over again. There are always stories of "I heard two cycles before this a drill sergeant got killed at the grenade range", but I never saw it or met anyone else who actually saw it. Just rumors.


Now that you mention it, that does sound familiar. I seem to recall a grenade "course" where you could earn your grenade badge in basic that had the simulated grenades that you mentioned. You had to identify certain grenades, take 2 of the simulated grenades and get within a certain distance of the target and a few other things. Of course that grenade badge was pretty much worthless after you got out of AIT.

/can't believe it's been almost 20 years now since basic.
 
2013-11-16 02:37:27 PM
I seem to recall a bulletin from the Navy Safety Center about laser safety. There had apparently been a rash of non-combat-related injuries among sailors and Marines over in the sandbox from misusing the green laser pointers they'd been issued. Some of these dumbshiats had filmed themselves using the lasers as lightsabers while pretending to fight each other with them.

Note that these were not the usual laser pointers. These were over-powered green laser target designators, and were intended for use in directing fire during night engagements and dazzling enemy shooters. Allow me to repeat that: lasers issued for the express purpose of dazzling enemy combatants were being used by idiot sailors and Marines to play Jedi in-country. I believe a couple of them ended up with permanent damage to their eyes.

It's sorta heretical coming from an ex-squid, but I actually appreciate Marines. The problem is, constantly teaching 18-25 year old males that they're Superman has its drawbacks.

/"Boundless confidence is a force multiplier."- Gen. Colin Powell
//"It's also a casualty multiplier, dumbass!" - Historical evidence
 
2013-11-16 02:49:08 PM

Pribar: Richard C Stanford: Pribar: And yes there is always one in every company...

The guy in his undies just woke up due to a taliban attack. So, I don't think it's really fair to call him an idiot. That said, it does look funny as hell.

I know the backstory but think of it this way, you are in a combat zone, on a forward base at that, knowing that at any time day or night you could be attacked:
1-why would you wear, even to rack out, something that will draw the eye, and thus the fire, of anyone within a 2 mile radius
2-would you really want THAT to be the last thing you ever wore?


1) If you are on deployment, you are going to wear whatever makes your feel comfortable and sane when you go to bed. I read the story awhile back and he bought those boxers at a NYC airport en route to Afghanistan.
2) That would be the last thing I would be worried about if I came under attack.
 
2013-11-16 03:24:21 PM
If they were to magically appear, then yeah.

If they were developed and tested and used for ages, no, no different than a firearm or grenade.  Aside from your random farkwhit who would "play" with those too.
 
2013-11-16 03:27:10 PM

ChemOpsFTW: 1) If you are on deployment, you are going to wear whatever makes your feel comfortable and sane when you go to bed.


Sanity is 1-overrated and 2-useless if you are dead, any of my guys that brought "look at me" shiat from home were required to leave it in the rear, wear what ya want when you are off line but when we are on the front you damn well wont wear anything that will draw fire, its bad enough that his spotlighting himself might get himself scragged leaving a hole in my TO&E but it also risks the rest of his fireteam all because he wants to stand out.
 
2013-11-16 03:31:17 PM

Pribar: ChemOpsFTW: 1) If you are on deployment, you are going to wear whatever makes your feel comfortable and sane when you go to bed.

Sanity is 1-overrated and 2-useless if you are dead, any of my guys that brought "look at me" shiat from home were required to leave it in the rear, wear what ya want when you are off line but when we are on the front you damn well wont wear anything that will draw fire, its bad enough that his spotlighting himself might get himself scragged leaving a hole in my TO&E but it also risks the rest of his fireteam all because he wants to stand out.


You're "that guy" aren't you?
 
2013-11-16 04:04:58 PM
Thank you, Subby, this made my freakin' day.
 
2013-11-16 04:41:02 PM

LazarusLong42: Combustion: Gleeman: Gonz: They forgot the random private who, within a half-hour of being issued his lightsaber, would have managed to break it.

If you want to learn an item's MTBF, just give it to a junior sailor. They can break anything in 60 minutes or less, guaranteed.

/sailor proof?
//no such thing

I fetched the chief 6 foot of water-line without breaking it!

Sure, but you probably got relative bearing grease all over it first.

/not veteran, but a navy brat


Not a problem, if he(?) remembered to tighten the nuts on the MPA.
 
2013-11-16 05:11:17 PM

No Such Agency: MadameX: OK, I LOL'd. Probably wouldn't really be that bad that fast, but yeah - every service has a few Hold My Beer And Watch This kinda people.

I worked in that hospital in Germany they mention, and we got our share of the results of folks doing dumb things - guys trying to rappel out the 4th floor window, putting someone in a metal locker and throwing him out the 2nd floor window, sliding down a freshly-waxed hallway and imbedding a doorstop in the thigh, etc.


Frankly, I'm amazed this thing didn't send half my troop to the hospital during (reserve) basic training:
 [www.parish-supply.com image 650x592]

The urge to stand on it and spin around was overwhelming, but virtually guaranteed to generate stupid injuries.


img.fark.net
I know, right?
 
2013-11-16 05:27:02 PM

jiesenPSD: img.fark.net
I know, right?


I think i pissed myself laughing. NICE!!!
 
2013-11-16 06:33:13 PM

Son of Thunder: Fano: starsrift: Okay, YOU try controlling a weapon with no weight, air resistance, heat, or other way to tell just where the fark it is in spatial relation to yourself, without the Force, subby.

Heck, the first thing Luke does when handed it is to point it directly at his eyeball

Well that would have shortened the movie considerably.

"Your father's lightsaber. This is the weapon of... wait, don't hold it like that."
"What's this button d-[fshzzzz] AAAAAA!"
"[sigh] Oh dear. That boy was our last hope. Pity he was so very stupid."


I'm always sorry when I read these things the next day.
 
2013-11-16 06:45:40 PM

NewportBarGuy: jiesenPSD: img.fark.net
I know, right?

I think i pissed myself laughing. NICE!!!


Sadist.
 
2013-11-16 06:48:18 PM
This assumes of course that they are shipped with the correct batteries which they won't be. No one was harmed.
 
2013-11-16 09:57:10 PM
Larry Niven introduced a version of the "sword that can cut anything" in one of his Ringworld novels without actually calling it a lightsaber. His was a handle that formed a stasis field around a length of monomolecular fiber to keep it rigid, with a red ball on the end of the fiber. The red ball was to give you an idea where the farking thing was, since it was virtually weightless, had little to no resistance no matter what it encountered, and was almost invisible.
 
2013-11-16 10:06:04 PM

Bendal: no matter



*snicker*
 
2013-11-16 10:35:23 PM

Uisce Beatha: MadameX: every service has a few Hold My Beer And Watch This kinda people.

Yeah, on subs they are called Auxiliary Division, aka A-Gang. Great guys individually, but a bunch of redneck cluebags as a group generally. Were this real, the number of boats that would never return to port would be terrifying. But the antics that led up to that would be hilarious.


With lightsabers, we wouldn't have had to dance with each other to clear out a bar of skimmers to have it to ourselves for a couple days.

/MM2(SS)
 
2013-11-17 12:22:48 AM
taurusowner:

You're "that guy" aren't you?

i124.photobucket.com
 
2013-11-17 01:53:50 AM

DirtyDeadGhostofEbenezerCooke: Do you think the author ever read this?

Je' die


This one works well too: http://www.darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0779.html
 
2013-11-17 02:12:27 AM

Bendal: Larry Niven introduced a version of the "sword that can cut anything" in one of his Ringworld novels without actually calling it a lightsaber. His was a handle that formed a stasis field around a length of monomolecular fiber to keep it rigid, with a red ball on the end of the fiber. The red ball was to give you an idea where the farking thing was, since it was virtually weightless, had little to no resistance no matter what it encountered, and was almost invisible.


The variable sword.  I'd forgotten about that thing.
 
2013-11-17 02:25:22 AM
Screw the light sabers, THIS is much more relevant to my interests:

http://www.duffelblog.com/2012/10/breastfeeding-moms-by-infantry-bar ra cks-not-fooling-anyone/
 
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