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(The Duffel Blog)   I'm pretty sure every veteran on Fark will back me up and say, "yes, this is exactly what would happen if the military was issued light sabers"   (duffelblog.com) divider line 112
    More: Satire, Prisoner abuse, military  
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16732 clicks; posted to Main » on 16 Nov 2013 at 4:45 AM (35 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



112 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2013-11-15 09:51:33 PM
I'm surprised they issue real bullets and not blanks to most people.
 
2013-11-15 09:56:42 PM
I'm fairly certain my entire company would have been dead or wounded within three hours of those being issued.
 
2013-11-15 10:38:23 PM
www.galacticbinder.com

I'd picture this, with more dismemberment.
 
2013-11-15 10:46:18 PM
These guys give The Onion a run for its money. ;)
 
2013-11-15 11:11:17 PM
fc06.deviantart.net


More believable
 
2013-11-15 11:55:10 PM
Honestly, I don't care for satire that often, I find that reality is ridiculous enough without exaggerating it.  That being said, I got a pretty decent chuckle out of this piece.  So, thanks subby.
 
2013-11-16 01:11:57 AM
"Even with having the most professional military in the world," said Pentagon spokesman George Little, "we did not anticipate the unintended consequences. Apparently, when you give soldiers a weapon they've dreamed about their entire lives, their intelligence drops to the level of a retarded monkey."

I am amused.
And yeah, I could see this happening.
 
2013-11-16 04:47:22 AM
I disagree, subby. They would probably say, "...if the military WERE issued light sabers".
 
2013-11-16 04:48:40 AM
This wouldn't happen if they were in the Marine Core.
 
2013-11-16 04:55:27 AM
I wish they had played it a bit straighter. "retarded monkey" comments make the satire less biting.
 
2013-11-16 04:55:30 AM
How about the President?

www.esreality.com
 
2013-11-16 04:57:12 AM
well, duh..........
 
2013-11-16 05:00:40 AM
The test program - which was supposed to last three months - was pulled less than 36 hours later. The final nail in the coffin came when Private Derrick Jones asked a seemingly innocent question.

"Dude," said Jones. "Do you think I could block a bullet?"


I would expect that to happen sooner than 36 hours in.
 
2013-11-16 05:01:43 AM

FatherChaos: How about the President?

img.fark.net


Wait... aren't sith supposed to have colors like red or something?
 
2013-11-16 05:02:40 AM
I find your lack of faith HILARIOUS!
 
2013-11-16 05:03:47 AM

Weatherkiss: This wouldn't happen if they were in the Marine Core.


Know how I know you're not a Marine?
 
2013-11-16 05:04:53 AM

I Like Bread: I disagree, subby. They would probably say, "...if the military WERE issued light sabers".


No they wouldn't. They would say "if the military be issued lightsabers."
 
2013-11-16 05:06:18 AM

HindiDiscoMonster: FatherChaos: How about the President?

[img.fark.net image 500x362]

Wait... aren't sith supposed to have colors like red or something?


farm3.staticflickr.com
 
2013-11-16 05:06:56 AM

kgloverfl: Weatherkiss: This wouldn't happen if they were in the Marine Core.

Know how I know you're not a Marine?


Don't be funning with the Marine Corpse.
 
2013-11-16 05:09:53 AM

I Like Bread: I disagree, subby. They would probably say, "...if the military WERE issued light sabers"

.

I disagree, Bread. They would probably say, "...if the military WERE issued light sabers in this area, at this time." Because militry inteligence.
 
2013-11-16 05:20:49 AM
that was pretty dumb
 
2013-11-16 05:22:30 AM
OK, I LOL'd. Probably wouldn't really be that bad that fast, but yeah - every service has a few Hold My Beer And Watch This kinda people.

I worked in that hospital in Germany they mention, and we got our share of the results of folks doing dumb things - guys trying to rappel out the 4th floor window, putting someone in a metal locker and throwing him out the 2nd floor window, sliding down a freshly-waxed hallway and imbedding a doorstop in the thigh, etc.
 
2013-11-16 05:25:37 AM
Another responsible lightsaber owner.
 
2013-11-16 05:27:07 AM

phrawgh: kgloverfl: Weatherkiss: This wouldn't happen if they were in the Marine Core.

Know how I know you're not a Marine?

Don't be funning with the Marine Corpse.


Seems they'll let anyone inside the Marine Corpse these days.

justalittlefurther.com
 
2013-11-16 05:39:01 AM

kgloverfl: Weatherkiss: This wouldn't happen if they were in the Marine Core.

Know how I know you're not a Marine?


spelling 'corps' as 'core' is a Fark meme that pops up occasionally.

here's the origin from 2007
 
2013-11-16 05:43:41 AM
The military keeps a ton of crap locked up tight, for good reason.  A lightsaber is the ultimate skeleton key.
 
2013-11-16 05:50:54 AM
Please tell me this is a joke.......please!!!!

/bwahahahahahaha
 
2013-11-16 06:03:53 AM

Rani13: Please tell me this is a joke.......please!!!!

/bwahahahahahaha


Well I'd assume Duffle Blog is the same as ARRSE (Army Rumour Service) just one is American and the other British.

OTOH it is probably an accurate description of what would happen if you gave squaddies lightsabres.
 
2013-11-16 06:05:28 AM
MadameX: every service has a few Hold My Beer And Watch This kinda people.

Yeah, on subs they are called Auxiliary Division, aka A-Gang. Great guys individually, but a bunch of redneck cluebags as a group generally. Were this real, the number of boats that would never return to port would be terrifying. But the antics that led up to that would be hilarious.
 
2013-11-16 06:20:54 AM
36 hours? You know that got revoked by local command in 36 minutes.
 
2013-11-16 06:25:04 AM
i135.photobucket.com


And yes there is always one in every company...

i135.photobucket.com
 
2013-11-16 06:28:14 AM
They took our bayonets away in Bosnia. Swear to Effin' God. Because dudes were screwing around and cutting themselves.
 
2013-11-16 06:32:14 AM
Okay, YOU try controlling a weapon with no weight, air resistance, heat, or other way to tell just where the fark it is in spatial relation to yourself, without the Force, subby.
 
2013-11-16 06:33:36 AM

HindiDiscoMonster: FatherChaos: How about the President?

[img.fark.net image 500x362]

Wait... aren't sith supposed to have colors like red or something?


No, that`s the bad guys. You know, the red side.
 
2013-11-16 06:34:35 AM

kgloverfl: Weatherkiss: This wouldn't happen if they were in the Marine Core.

Know how I know you're not a Marine?


Know how I know you're new here?
 
2013-11-16 06:37:43 AM

Alocksly: They took our bayonets away in Bosnia. Swear to Effin' God. Because dudes were screwing around and cutting themselves.


I can believe it, two weeks after we got the new "high intensity flashlights" (aka mag lights) they were recalled because battery use had skyrocketed due to "lightsaber" fights, also less than a week after we got our night vision goggles (this was early 80s when the only experience we had with NVG was from movies) the word came down from on high that "no, NVGs CANNOT see through walls and anyone found using them outside the female latrine would be called in for office hours
 
2013-11-16 06:55:33 AM
Alocksly: They took our bayonets away in Bosnia. Swear to Effin' God. Because dudes were screwing around and cutting themselves.

Oh, I believe it. The Marines had a massive safety standown after 3 of 'em got their green laser less-than-lethal "dazzler" mixed up with a long range laser designator.

"Hey, let's see what this thing does to people!"
"Ow! I can't see!"
"Naaah you pansy, it's just a dazzler. Here, let me see it!
"Ow! I can't see!"
Rinse - Repeat
 
2013-11-16 07:10:15 AM
Anyone who has ever seen that certain twinkle of stupidity, fear and power in someone's eyes the first time they handle a hand grenade knows this is accurate.
 
2013-11-16 07:12:37 AM
there's always a learning curve with a new weapons system.
My guys would have tried to shave with the darn things.


Airborne
 
2013-11-16 07:27:16 AM

MadameX: OK, I LOL'd. Probably wouldn't really be that bad that fast, but yeah - every service has a few Hold My Beer And Watch This kinda people.

I worked in that hospital in Germany they mention, and we got our share of the results of folks doing dumb things - guys trying to rappel out the 4th floor window, putting someone in a metal locker and throwing him out the 2nd floor window, sliding down a freshly-waxed hallway and imbedding a doorstop in the thigh, etc.



Frankly, I'm amazed this thing didn't send half my troop to the hospital during (reserve) basic training:
 www.parish-supply.com

The urge to stand on it and spin around was overwhelming, but virtually guaranteed to generate stupid injuries.
 
2013-11-16 07:36:40 AM

FatherDale: kgloverfl: Weatherkiss: This wouldn't happen if they were in the Marine Core.

Know how I know you're not a Marine?

Know how I know you're new here?


Give him a break; I bet he's a real soldier in the Core. Me, I went to Annapolis with five dependents and then made O5 in 3 weeks.
 
2013-11-16 07:42:47 AM
You sound old
 
2013-11-16 07:45:12 AM

FatherDale: kgloverfl: Weatherkiss: This wouldn't happen if they were in the Marine Core.

Know how I know you're not a Marine?

Know how I know you're new here?


You sound old
 
2013-11-16 07:47:10 AM

kgloverfl: FatherDale: kgloverfl: Weatherkiss: This wouldn't happen if they were in the Marine Core.

Know how I know you're not a Marine?

Know how I know you're new here?

You sound old


Geezerly, even.
 
2013-11-16 07:50:28 AM
It doesn't matter what a group of GI's get a hold of, they will most certainly find a way to use it for amusement.  A light saber would be no different, just more lethal.

/aircraft maintenance
 
2013-11-16 07:51:13 AM

kgloverfl: FatherDale: kgloverfl: Weatherkiss: This wouldn't happen if they were in the Marine Core.

Know how I know you're not a Marine?

Know how I know you're new here?

You sound old


Don't take it hard, junior. Everyone was new at some point.
 
2013-11-16 07:52:14 AM

FatherDale: kgloverfl: FatherDale: kgloverfl: Weatherkiss: This wouldn't happen if they were in the Marine Core.

Know how I know you're not a Marine?

Know how I know you're new here?

You sound old

Geezerly, even.


Now that we got that settled, GET OFF MY LAWN!
 
2013-11-16 07:56:57 AM
What about light cutlasses?
 
2013-11-16 08:03:46 AM
Because Marine Oorah is no substitute for Jedi stoicism.
 
2013-11-16 08:07:12 AM

starsrift: Okay, YOU try controlling a weapon with no weight, air resistance, heat, or other way to tell just where the fark it is in spatial relation to yourself, without the Force, subby.


Heck, the first thing Luke does when handed it is to point it directly at his eyeball
 
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