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(Slate)   Forget bears. Forget spiders. Forget killer bees. It's the anacondas that are coming for you   (slate.com) divider line 52
    More: Florida, Everglades  
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6373 clicks; posted to Main » on 15 Nov 2013 at 5:08 PM (22 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-11-15 05:09:20 PM
And they don't want none unless you got buns, hun.
 
2013-11-15 05:11:02 PM

The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves: And they don't want none unless you got buns, hun.


Reason No2 why Jenifer Lopez should be very afraid.
 
2013-11-15 05:11:09 PM

The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves: And they don't want none unless you got buns, hun.



*Shaking my fist*

/Hope to bag a Bremelo this weekend.
 
2013-11-15 05:13:51 PM
How about a bear wrapped in an anaconda and when they open their mouths, they shoot killer bees and spiders at you, respectively.
 
2013-11-15 05:14:17 PM
Done in one
 
2013-11-15 05:17:03 PM
Where's Ice Cube when you need him?
 
2013-11-15 05:18:03 PM
The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case an anaconda attacks you.
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic.
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic.
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.
 
2013-11-15 05:21:57 PM
There's snakes out there this big?!
 
2013-11-15 05:25:04 PM
I'll forget the Anacondas because they aren't a problem in North Georgia.  Killer bees, on the other hand, have recently been sighted here.  My friend's wife got attacked and wound up in the hospital for a week.
 
2013-11-15 05:25:05 PM

I want your skull: The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case an anaconda attacks you.
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic.
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic.
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.


But they don't allow knives on planes. So if that anaconda is on a plane, you're screwed.
 
2013-11-15 05:26:49 PM
Florida tag get swallowed by the anaconda?
 
2013-11-15 05:27:30 PM

The_Sponge: The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves: And they don't want none unless you got buns, hun.


*Shaking my fist*

/Hope to bag a Bremelo this weekend.


Not sure whats worse. That I know what a Bremelo is, or that you actually want to bag one.
 
2013-11-15 05:28:52 PM

Honest Bender: There's snakes out there this big?!


I'm pretty sure that yes there are.  I know there is a picture out in the inter-tubes of a diver next to a massive anaconda.
 
2013-11-15 05:30:10 PM
Big reticulated pythons? Really? They'd be dangerous...if we were mice. All you have to do is walk away; snakes don't chase prey, snakes are ambush predators. Just don't go into a buch of foliage!

/ what's really scary are rattleless rattlesnakes; people tend to kill rattlesnakes that rattle. So a subset of rattlesnakes no longer rattle.
 
2013-11-15 05:35:02 PM

Grapple: Honest Bender: There's snakes out there this big?!

I'm pretty sure that yes there are.  I know there is a picture out in the inter-tubes of a diver next to a massive anaconda.


I know it's a daily fail link but... the balls on this guy http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2230499/Diver-braves-waters-s w im-deadly-26-foot-anaconda.html
 
2013-11-15 05:41:41 PM

Honest Bender: There's snakes out there this big?!


thetorchonline.com
 
2013-11-15 05:43:12 PM

Honest Bender: There's snakes out there this big?!


photos.mongabay.com
 
2013-11-15 05:44:41 PM
And finally:

www.adventured.com
 
2013-11-15 05:49:47 PM

AltheaToldMe: And finally:


MOTHER. OF. GOD!
 
2013-11-15 06:02:39 PM
i1.ytimg.com
Watch out for snakes!
 
2013-11-15 06:17:13 PM
This is so farking obvious that you'd have to be buried under a rock to not realize what is happening. Floriduh is a great environment for all sorts of kill-your-family creatures.
 
2013-11-15 06:20:06 PM
i1182.photobucket.com
 
2013-11-15 06:20:40 PM

Packersfan823: [i1.ytimg.com image 480x360]
Watch out for snakes!


And horny immortal cavemen
 
2013-11-15 06:23:16 PM
this might be the funniest thing i've read in a long time:

Really large anacondas are rarely reported by white people, but African-Americans who live in or near the Everglades tell stranger stories. White people there usually go fishing the same way that I do-noisily and conspicuously. Standing up, constantly casting, and moving along to new spots when nothing is happening. But African-Americans of the Everglades have different fishing traditions. They sit very still and quietly along the water for a very long time with a piece of live or cut bait under a bobber.

/damn racist snakes
 
2013-11-15 06:30:28 PM
The green anaconda is one of the species that the GOP managed to spare from a US import and interstate trade ban last year. Four of nine proposed species did have trade bans instituted, including yellow anacondas, which should boost import and sales of green anacondas and the other remaining freely tradable reptiles. It's a bit like the boost to gun sales when gun rights opponents are elected. There's concern that the increased trade of a more limited number of species will hasten and spread establishment of wild breeding colonies.

GOP: Invasive snakes a Florida problem, not national issue excerpts: US Rep Southerland "says the bill amounts to an egregious attempt by an overbearing government to rein in helpless small businesses, jeopardizing a $1.4 billion reptile industry." US Rep Fleming "mocked testimony that Burmese pythons...have killed several small children. He also dismissed warnings that global warming will increase the range of deadly snakes and other invasive species." (To be fair, most Americans killed by Burmese pythons are teens, not small children, and the rate is around one death per year). Fleming introduced the Expedited Departure of Certain Snake Species Act a few months ago to repeal last year's trade ban, which restricted trade in Burmese pythons.
 
2013-11-15 06:42:29 PM

The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves: And they don't want none unless you got buns, hun.


All the Internets to you, clever wordsmith.
 
2013-11-15 07:05:25 PM

Honest Bender: There's snakes out there this big?!


But, snakes don't eat people!?!
 
2013-11-15 07:09:11 PM

I want your skull: The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case an anaconda attacks you.
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic.
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic.
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.


So begins my weekend of nightmares...
 
2013-11-15 07:13:52 PM
subby:  Forget bears. Forget spiders. Forget killer bees. It's the anacondas that are coming for you.


cdn.niketalk.com

surbrook.devermore.com

We already have spiderbears.
greencottagegallery.files.wordpress.com
 
2013-11-15 07:15:38 PM
And anyway, you forgot sharks:
holykaw.alltop.com
 
2013-11-15 07:16:39 PM

Honest Bender: There's snakes out there this big?!


Yes, twenty feet long.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F000UK_kUq4
 
2013-11-15 07:17:17 PM
Relax.
www.vuilblog.co.za
He's no threat.
 
2013-11-15 07:21:33 PM

I want your skull: The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case an anaconda attacks you.
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic.
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic.
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.


Just in case anyone is actually worried:

Forwarded email purports to share instructions from a U.S. government Peace Corp manual on what to do if an anaconda or python attacks you in the wild.
Description:
Viral joke
Circulating since: 1998 / Earlier?
Status: False (see details below)
 
2013-11-15 07:26:14 PM

I want your skull: The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case an anaconda attacks you.
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic.
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic.
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.


Don't snakes start eating animals or people for that matter, from the head downwards?
 
2013-11-15 07:26:22 PM

The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves: And they don't want none unless you got buns, hun.


You fools!  Snakes can't do side-bends or sit-ups!
 
2013-11-15 07:31:03 PM
 
2013-11-15 07:56:56 PM

BitTwist: The_Sponge: The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves: And they don't want none unless you got buns, hun.


*Shaking my fist*

/Hope to bag a Bremelo this weekend.

Not sure whats worse. That I know what a Bremelo is, or that you actually want to bag one.



I'm in a slump, DON'T JUDGE!

/Overweight and out of shape with a triple chin,
//Her brassiere strikes fear in the hearts of men,
///The girls a bremelo
 
2013-11-15 08:00:41 PM
Just let me know when the special on boots starts.
And, I could use a new suitcase.
 
2013-11-15 08:15:30 PM

I want your skull: The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case an anaconda attacks you.
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic.
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic.
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.


I thought it was going to be like this one:
a2.l3-images.myspacecdn.com
 
2013-11-15 08:21:14 PM

The_Sponge: The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves: And they don't want none unless you got buns, hun.


*Shaking my fist*

/Hope to bag a Bremelo this weekend.


Gonna have to round up my posse on Broadway and go hunting as well.

/swass
 
2013-11-15 08:35:37 PM
s3.amazonaws.com
 
2013-11-15 08:48:01 PM

T Baggins: The green anaconda is one of the species that the GOP managed to spare from a US import and interstate trade ban last year. Four of nine proposed species did have trade bans instituted, including yellow anacondas, which should boost import and sales of green anacondas and the other remaining freely tradable reptiles. It's a bit like the boost to gun sales when gun rights opponents are elected. There's concern that the increased trade of a more limited number of species will hasten and spread establishment of wild breeding colonies.

GOP: Invasive snakes a Florida problem, not national issue excerpts: US Rep Southerland "says the bill amounts to an egregious attempt by an overbearing government to rein in helpless small businesses, jeopardizing a $1.4 billion reptile industry." US Rep Fleming "mocked testimony that Burmese pythons...have killed several small children. He also dismissed warnings that global warming will increase the range of deadly snakes and other invasive species." (To be fair, most Americans killed by Burmese pythons are teens, not small children, and the rate is around one death per year). Fleming introduced the Expedited Departure of Certain Snake Species Act a few months ago to repeal last year's trade ban, which restricted trade in Burmese pythons.


To be fair, it IS highly unlikely that any of these large constrictors will become established very far north of their current range, even with global warming.  The first climate model that projected them reaching halfway up the US was an alarmist bit of work that has since been criticized repeatedly in the scientific community.  Also, climate isn't the only limiting factor.  Big snakes need large stands of unbroken habitat to survive, which is one of the reasons why they do so well in south Florida.  If they travel much farther north, they run into more populated/agricultural/disturbed areas where they will be easy targets for cars, predators, rednecks, and other folks with guns.

The threat is also widely overstated.  Wild pythons and anacondas from their native habitats/ranges have eaten people so rarely that it isn't even worth mentioning.  The people who typically get killed by them are pet owners (or their family members) who don't keep them properly, and even then it is almost never a feeding response where the snake actually tried to eat the human.  Usually, it is a case of the python escaping on a cool night and then coiling around what it views as a heat source and then suffocating a child simply as a result of its mass.  Alternatively, people may take the snake out and try to handle it on their own, but even a 6-foot juvenile boa constrictor can wrap around someone's neck and asphyxiate them if it is handled improperly, simply as a result of trying to "hold on" and not get dropped to the floor.

There are a lot worse things to worry about than big snakes.  They ARE an ecological disaster, but no more so than feral cats, feral pigs, and habitat destruction.  Getting them out of the 'glades is also going to be impossible.  They're here to stay whether we like it or not.
 
2013-11-15 08:56:24 PM

OhioKnight: I want your skull: The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case an anaconda attacks you.
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic.
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic.
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.

Just in case anyone is actually worried:

Forwarded email purports to share instructions from a U.S. government Peace Corp manual on what to do if an anaconda or python attacks you in the wild.
Description: Viral joke
Circulating since: 1998 / Earlier?
Status: False (see details below)


Damn you! *shakes fist*

I hoped one of two things would happen with this. A) It was old enough that nobody remembered it, or B) if someone did remember it, they would keep their trap shut and let me have my fun messing with the ophidiophobes.

/I guess not
//This is why we can't have nice things
 
2013-11-15 09:13:47 PM

I want your skull: OhioKnight: I want your skull: The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case an anaconda attacks you.
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic.
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic.
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.

Just in case anyone is actually worried:

Forwarded email purports to share instructions from a U.S. government Peace Corp manual on what to do if an anaconda or python attacks you in the wild.
Description: Viral joke
Circulating since: 1998 / Earlier?
Status: False (see details below)

Damn you! *shakes fist*

I hoped one of two things would happen with this. A) It was old enough that nobody remembered it, or B) if someone did remember it, they would keep their trap shut and let me have my fun messing with the ophidiophobes.

/I guess not
//This is why we can't have nice things


Sorry, but I read this and it freaked me out.
Then I thought "naaahh".
Then I looked it up.

/yes, I'm an idiot
 
2013-11-15 09:18:49 PM
Snakes! Why did it have to be snakes?
 
2013-11-15 09:31:50 PM

OhioKnight: I want your skull: OhioKnight: I want your skull: The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case an anaconda attacks you.
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic.
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic.
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.

Just in case anyone is actually worried:

Forwarded email purports to share instructions from a U.S. government Peace Corp manual on what to do if an anaconda or python attacks you in the wild.
Description: Viral joke
Circulating since: 1998 / Earlier?
Status: False (see details below)

Damn you! *shakes fist*

I hoped one of two things would happen with this. A) It was old enough that nobody remembered it, or B) if someone did remember it, they would keep their trap shut and let me have my fun messing with the ophidiophobes.

/I guess not
//This is why we can't have nice things

Sorry, but I read this and it freaked me out.
Then I thought "naaahh".
Then I looked it up.

/yes, I'm an idiot


Nah, it's all good.
 
2013-11-15 11:31:08 PM

T Baggins: The green anaconda is one of the species that the GOP managed to spare from a US import and interstate trade ban last year. Four of nine proposed species did have trade bans instituted, including yellow anacondas, which should boost import and sales of green anacondas and the other remaining freely tradable reptiles. It's a bit like the boost to gun sales when gun rights opponents are elected. There's concern that the increased trade of a more limited number of species will hasten and spread establishment of wild breeding colonies.

GOP: Invasive snakes a Florida problem, not national issue excerpts: US Rep Southerland "says the bill amounts to an egregious attempt by an overbearing government to rein in helpless small businesses, jeopardizing a $1.4 billion reptile industry." US Rep Fleming "mocked testimony that Burmese pythons...have killed several small children. He also dismissed warnings that global warming will increase the range of deadly snakes and other invasive species." (To be fair, most Americans killed by Burmese pythons are teens, not small children, and the rate is around one death per year). Fleming introduced the Expedited Departure of Certain Snake Species Act a few months ago to repeal last year's trade ban, which restricted trade in Burmese pythons.


Its not a national issue. These snakes are restricted to Florida and thus the only place where they are a danger to the environment is Florida.

Last, based on population models, I believe by the University of Florida, climate change would likely restrict there range more, not expand it.
 
2013-11-15 11:37:14 PM
Relevant:  (not a rickroll, I promise)  http://youtu.be/F000UK_kUq4
 
2013-11-15 11:41:45 PM
"Really large anacondas are rarely reported by white people, but African-Americans who live in or near the Everglades tell stranger stories."

Really?
 
2013-11-16 10:52:05 AM

Thorny: T Baggins: The green anaconda is one of the species that the GOP managed to spare from a US import and interstate trade ban last year. Four of nine proposed species did have trade bans instituted, including yellow anacondas, which should boost import and sales of green anacondas and the other remaining freely tradable reptiles. It's a bit like the boost to gun sales when gun rights opponents are elected. There's concern that the increased trade of a more limited number of species will hasten and spread establishment of wild breeding colonies.

GOP: Invasive snakes a Florida problem, not national issue excerpts: US Rep Southerland "says the bill amounts to an egregious attempt by an overbearing government to rein in helpless small businesses, jeopardizing a $1.4 billion reptile industry." US Rep Fleming "mocked testimony that Burmese pythons...have killed several small children. He also dismissed warnings that global warming will increase the range of deadly snakes and other invasive species." (To be fair, most Americans killed by Burmese pythons are teens, not small children, and the rate is around one death per year). Fleming introduced the Expedited Departure of Certain Snake Species Act a few months ago to repeal last year's trade ban, which restricted trade in Burmese pythons.

Its not a national issue. These snakes are restricted to Florida and thus the only place where they are a danger to the environment is Florida.

Last, based on population models, I believe by the University of Florida, climate change would likely restrict there range more, not expand it.


You absolutely fail at understanding how Mama Nature works.
 
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