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(Quartz)   Science proves what women have known all along: IT'S YOU, NOT HER   (qz.com ) divider line
    More: Amusing, IT', University of Virginia, UVA, University of Florida  
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9058 clicks; posted to Main » on 07 Nov 2013 at 2:00 PM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-11-07 01:48:41 PM  
The authors concluded that "there is some evidence that men automatically interpret a partner's success as their own (relative) failure."

I don't think this is limited to a male reaction. People like being good at the things they've told themselves they're good at. If someone is insecure or identifies their self worth with a specific narrative they've told themselves they often don't handle it well when that perception is challenged.

An ex-bf, who was generally not insecure about much, got downright pissy when I beat him at Jeopardy two nights in a row. He was the more educated of the two of us (he had a Master's to my undergrad) and I guess he had equated that with being better at trivia, or something.
 
2013-11-07 02:05:29 PM  
My wife is smarter than me and makes more money. I console myself with drunken rants on fark.
 
2013-11-07 02:05:37 PM  
My wife and I both have master's degree, she currently makes more. A few years ago I made more. It all evens out, right now I'm just enjoying our combined income but it doesn't bother me she brings home a bigger check. Now if we were to play miniature golf and I lost, we would have a real problem

/mini golfs makes me competitive to the point of ruining the fun for everyone else
//first world problems
 
2013-11-07 02:06:20 PM  
I don't care if my partner is smarter or scores better. I hope she does.  I am confident with my upper-body strength and in a split second I pin her onto the bed for a ten count...if you now what I mean.
 
2013-11-07 02:08:41 PM  
I've never had this concern, nor would I. Make more than me? Good. Eases the burden.
 
2013-11-07 02:08:52 PM  

Fano: My wife is smarter than me and makes more money. I console myself with drunken rants on fark.


This.  Well, except I don't have as many drunken rants as I used to.  I need to step up my game.

Actually, I think that I think intelligence/success is something that I always found attractive in women, so it would be strange if I got pissy about it.
 
2013-11-07 02:10:31 PM  
Ladies, I am ready and willing to be the reason you feel like a better person. Call me.
 
2013-11-07 02:11:34 PM  
Science proves what women have known all along:

There's no G spot??
 
2013-11-07 02:12:14 PM  
I make pretty decent money but my wife makes over twice what I make.  It doesn't bother me, I'm very proud of her and her success.

/Some men are petty children.
 
2013-11-07 02:14:09 PM  

TheYeti: Fano: My wife is smarter than me and makes more money. I console myself with drunken rants on fark.

This.  Well, except I don't have as many drunken rants as I used to.  I need to step up my game.

Actually, I think that I think intelligence/success is something that I always found attractive in women, so it would be strange if I got pissy about it.


Please tell me why men say they want an engineer/scientist/professional woman as a mate BUT want her to give it all up to stay home with the kids.

Is it all about the choice/sweeping women off her feet etc?
 
2013-11-07 02:14:43 PM  

dabbletech: Science proves what women have known all along:
There's no G spot??


They're talking the G spot above a 100g a year,
 
2013-11-07 02:17:10 PM  
when i was married she made more and had better insurance - i wrangled the kids.  i was proud that my wife was smart and made a good living.  i have no idea why i left.  :(
 
2013-11-07 02:17:17 PM  
If my fiancee does something better than me, I don't care.

I'll be honest, though.  If my fiancee started making BOATLOADS more than me, I'd probably feel crappy.  Just boatloads.  As in, she's making more than double what I make.  I'd probably start job hunting out of spite.

/I've got the higher level of education and a 5 year head start in the workforce
 
2013-11-07 02:20:19 PM  

Coastalgrl: TheYeti: Fano: My wife is smarter than me and makes more money. I console myself with drunken rants on fark.

This.  Well, except I don't have as many drunken rants as I used to.  I need to step up my game.

Actually, I think that I think intelligence/success is something that I always found attractive in women, so it would be strange if I got pissy about it.

Please tell me why men say they want an engineer/scientist/professional woman as a mate BUT want her to give it all up to stay home with the kids.

Is it all about the choice/sweeping women off her feet etc?


They want someone they can come home to and have an adult conversation with.  That they can share their work and have, if not the details, then at least the impact, of what they do understood.  And that the wife understands why rigorous testing shouldn't be skimped on and that "Just make sure the UI looks good" isn't a product spec.

I mean we're trusting her with developing Me 2.0 so we want the most competent (in our view) person doing that.
 
2013-11-07 02:20:27 PM  

Coastalgrl: Please tell me why men say they want an engineer/scientist/professional woman as a mate BUT want her to give it all up to stay home with the kids.

Is it all about the choice/sweeping women off her feet etc?


No, it's about actually being able to accomplish something.  If all a girl did was look pretty and wait for Prince Charming to swoop she won't teach the kids to focus on their schooling, behavior, or career plans.  Also, it allows them to have an actual serious conversation with their wife about things.
"Hey, we got the production bonus!" should illicit the response: "Fantastic, I know you guys were pushing the sales" NOT: "Does this mean we can afford a pool?"
 
2013-11-07 02:22:08 PM  

Coastalgrl: TheYeti: Fano: My wife is smarter than me and makes more money. I console myself with drunken rants on fark.

This.  Well, except I don't have as many drunken rants as I used to.  I need to step up my game.

Actually, I think that I think intelligence/success is something that I always found attractive in women, so it would be strange if I got pissy about it.

Please tell me why men say they want an engineer/scientist/professional woman as a mate BUT want her to give it all up to stay home with the kids.

Is it all about the choice/sweeping women off her feet etc?


I have no idea.  I was a stay at home dad for quite a while after the kid came along and maternity leave ended.  I suppose if our salaries were reversed she would have been home, but that wasn't reality.
 
2013-11-07 02:22:11 PM  

MadHatter500: Coastalgrl: TheYeti: Fano: My wife is smarter than me and makes more money. I console myself with drunken rants on fark.

This.  Well, except I don't have as many drunken rants as I used to.  I need to step up my game.

Actually, I think that I think intelligence/success is something that I always found attractive in women, so it would be strange if I got pissy about it.

Please tell me why men say they want an engineer/scientist/professional woman as a mate BUT want her to give it all up to stay home with the kids.

Is it all about the choice/sweeping women off her feet etc?

They want someone they can come home to and have an adult conversation with.  That they can share their work and have, if not the details, then at least the impact, of what they do understood.  And that the wife understands why rigorous testing shouldn't be skimped on and that "Just make sure the UI looks good" isn't a product spec.

I mean we're trusting her with developing Me 2.0 so we want the most competent (in our view) person doing that.


Um... you made at least 3 coding references.  Stop programming and watch some Dr. Who or some shiat.  You're going down the rabbit hole.
 
2013-11-07 02:22:40 PM  
For me, I have my own self-worth fairly divorced from anyone I'm in a relationship with. If I feel inadequate, it's because I feel I'm not living up to my own potential. Similarly, if I am reaching my own goals, I feel good, regardless of how that compares to my partner's status.

Then again, I'm just really not a competitive person, for better and for worse.


Coastalgrl: TheYeti: Please tell me why men say they want an engineer/scientist/professional woman as a mate BUT want her to give it all up to stay home with the kids.

Is it all about the choice/sweeping women off her feet etc?


I don't personally subscribe to that logic myself, but I think some men want a woman with similar interests and aptitudes, so that they have common ground (which is great), but at the same time want a generic homemaker cliche (which can be a more problematic expectation). I think it's often just two independent yet partially-conflicting views and not always a linked, conscious process. Although I'm sure there are some men who like to "conquer" strong women.
 
kth
2013-11-07 02:23:03 PM  
We are nicely split in our house.

I've got a JD from a state school and make more money, but he's got a PhD from a top school and has his dream job. It helps that we are in polar opposite fields. My undergrad is in English/Political Science. His undergrad/masters is in photography, and his PhD is in cell biology. Fun fact, he's also a high school dropout.  He has his GED up next to his PhD in his office.
 
2013-11-07 02:23:09 PM  

mike_d85: Coastalgrl: Please tell me why men say they want an engineer/scientist/professional woman as a mate BUT want her to give it all up to stay home with the kids.

Is it all about the choice/sweeping women off her feet etc?

No, it's about actually being able to accomplish something.  If all a girl did was look pretty and wait for Prince Charming to swoop she won't teach the kids to focus on their schooling, behavior, or career plans.  Also, it allows them to have an actual serious conversation with their wife about things.
"Hey, we got the production bonus!" should illicit the response: "Fantastic, I know you guys were pushing the sales" NOT: "Does this mean we can afford a pool?"


/fistbump - missed simulpost by 8 seconds.
 
2013-11-07 02:25:30 PM  
It should bruise your ego if the weaker sex is more successful than you.
 
2013-11-07 02:26:16 PM  
I'd say this explains my brother-in-law, but he's just a jerk in general. Sister is VP of an arm of a major global corporation, BIL is a researcher who has to change his research every time she moves to a new position. She moves up, he's still in the research. Difference in income? Oh lawd. Their kids are both in ivy league schools, and she can cover tuition out of her family slush funds. I, on the other hand, fully support my wife, who makes a ton more than me. I have my habits, she has hers, but we are on a journey, not in competition. Something my BIL never learned.
 
2013-11-07 02:26:22 PM  

asciibaron: when i was married she made more and had better insurance - i wrangled the kids.  i was proud that my wife was smart and made a good living.  i have no idea why i left.  :(


Maybe you are smarter than you thought,...
 
2013-11-07 02:28:37 PM  

mike_d85: MadHatter500: Coastalgrl: TheYeti: Fano: My wife is smarter than me and makes more money. I console myself with drunken rants on fark.

This.  Well, except I don't have as many drunken rants as I used to.  I need to step up my game.

Actually, I think that I think intelligence/success is something that I always found attractive in women, so it would be strange if I got pissy about it.

Please tell me why men say they want an engineer/scientist/professional woman as a mate BUT want her to give it all up to stay home with the kids.

Is it all about the choice/sweeping women off her feet etc?

They want someone they can come home to and have an adult conversation with.  That they can share their work and have, if not the details, then at least the impact, of what they do understood.  And that the wife understands why rigorous testing shouldn't be skimped on and that "Just make sure the UI looks good" isn't a product spec.

I mean we're trusting her with developing Me 2.0 so we want the most competent (in our view) person doing that.

Um... you made at least 3 coding references.  Stop programming and watch some Dr. Who or some shiat.  You're going down the rabbit hole.


I'm the architect, not one of the coders.  Haven't done that in nearly 15 years.  And yes, I do have a version number after my name - I generalized with 2.0, actually working on release 5.
 
2013-11-07 02:29:19 PM  

Coastalgrl: Please tell me why men say they want an engineer/scientist/professional woman as a mate...


Do we really say that? I look for physical attraction and if I enjoy hanging out with her, everything else barely matters.
 
2013-11-07 02:32:55 PM  
Why the knock on Sarkozy in the article?
 
2013-11-07 02:38:19 PM  

thecpt: Why the knock on Sarkozy in the article?


Gnomes aren't supposed to marry humans.
 
2013-11-07 02:38:55 PM  

Coastalgrl: Please tell me why men say they want an engineer/scientist/professional woman as a mate BUT want her to give it all up to stay home with the kids.


I have great news! They don't say that.
 
2013-11-07 02:42:05 PM  
I would love it if my wife were more "successful".  As it stands, all of the financial burden and responsibility falls on my shoulders.  It brings me down sometimes.
 
2013-11-07 02:42:33 PM  

Fano: My wife is smarter than me and makes more money. I console myself with drunken rants on fark.


Yeah, but you married better than her.
 
2013-11-07 02:43:08 PM  
I would not feel threatened if my partner was more successful than I was, or made more, or had more prestige, and I would be glad to be a stay at home dad.  I tend to be attracted to and date professional women in higher profile careers than my own and that says something, given what I do for a living.

Of course, my relationships usually end in humorours or sad fashion, or never get off the ground, but that's besides the point.
 
2013-11-07 02:43:17 PM  
I have the exact opposite problem. I've always made more than my wife and she has, at times, resented me for it; while at other times felt bad about herself for it. I honestly couldn't care less. I've dated more successful women and have been quite happy either way.

She has often fretted about not 'contributing enough'. Seriously, if you feel like you have to compete with your S.O. you have issues. If they make you feel bad about it on purpose, then THEY have issues. It probably wouldn't work out regardless.
 
2013-11-07 02:45:14 PM  

umad: Coastalgrl: Please tell me why men say they want an engineer/scientist/professional woman as a mate BUT want her to give it all up to stay home with the kids.

I have great news! They don't say that.


I found one that did. So glad I didnt marry him.

All of the reasons discussed are solid and childcare arrangements are on a case by case basis. Whatever works. But Ive been repeatedly finding guys who specifically want the girl with the training/skills etc. specifically stating that he wants a potential mate to stay home.

So its me and the cat for now.
 
2013-11-07 02:46:43 PM  

umad: Coastalgrl: Please tell me why men say they want an engineer/scientist/professional woman as a mate BUT want her to give it all up to stay home with the kids.

I have great news! They don't say that.


Yeah. Maybe if you were to phrase the question like, "All other things being equal, would you rather be with a engineer/scientist/professional or a cashier?" I would pick the professional, but again that question is about as pertinent as, "Would you want a woman who likes the same movies as you?"
 
2013-11-07 02:48:02 PM  

Coastalgrl: umad: Coastalgrl: Please tell me why men say they want an engineer/scientist/professional woman as a mate BUT want her to give it all up to stay home with the kids.

I have great news! They don't say that.

I found one that did. So glad I didnt marry him.

All of the reasons discussed are solid and childcare arrangements are on a case by case basis. Whatever works. But Ive been repeatedly finding guys who specifically want the girl with the training/skills etc. specifically stating that he wants a potential mate to stay home.

So its me and the cat for now.


Don't worry. Soon you'll have three or four (cats).
 
2013-11-07 02:48:03 PM  

Coastalgrl: umad: Coastalgrl: Please tell me why men say they want an engineer/scientist/professional woman as a mate BUT want her to give it all up to stay home with the kids.

I have great news! They don't say that.

I found one that did. So glad I didnt marry him.

All of the reasons discussed are solid and childcare arrangements are on a case by case basis. Whatever works. But Ive been repeatedly finding guys who specifically want the girl with the training/skills etc. specifically stating that he wants a potential mate to stay home.

So its me and the cat for now.


How you doin'?
 
2013-11-07 02:48:16 PM  

Coastalgrl: specifically stating that he wants a potential mate to stay home.


The guys you're finding are children who want a mom, not men who want a partner.
 
2013-11-07 02:50:32 PM  
I tell women this all the time, "It's not you, it's me."
 
2013-11-07 02:52:43 PM  

Coastalgrl: TheYeti: Fano: My wife is smarter than me and makes more money. I console myself with drunken rants on fark.

This.  Well, except I don't have as many drunken rants as I used to.  I need to step up my game.

Actually, I think that I think intelligence/success is something that I always found attractive in women, so it would be strange if I got pissy about it.

Please tell me why men say they want an engineer/scientist/professional woman as a mate BUT want her to give it all up to stay home with the kids.

Is it all about the choice/sweeping women off her feet etc?


fark that, I wish I had a rich wife.  I'd like nothing more than to be a stay-at-home dad, so I went with the 2nd best thing, a job I can work from home at.

Now I just need the kid...
 
2013-11-07 02:53:47 PM  

hammer85: Coastalgrl: TheYeti: Fano: My wife is smarter than me and makes more money. I console myself with drunken rants on fark.

This.  Well, except I don't have as many drunken rants as I used to.  I need to step up my game.

Actually, I think that I think intelligence/success is something that I always found attractive in women, so it would be strange if I got pissy about it.

Please tell me why men say they want an engineer/scientist/professional woman as a mate BUT want her to give it all up to stay home with the kids.

Is it all about the choice/sweeping women off her feet etc?

fark that, I wish I had a rich wife.  I'd like nothing more than to be a stay-at-home dad, so I went with the 2nd best thing, a job I can work from home at.

Now I just need the kid...


You can find those anywhere. Most of them are so fat now, they can't even run away from you
 
2013-11-07 02:56:01 PM  
For those of us on cell phones for which this website won't work...

What is me, not my wife? The one with a penis?

I can confirm I have one and she doesn't... well except for 60seconds on our anniversary and birthday.
 
2013-11-07 02:57:42 PM  

Coastalgrl: umad: Coastalgrl: Please tell me why men say they want an engineer/scientist/professional woman as a mate BUT want her to give it all up to stay home with the kids.

I have great news! They don't say that.

I found one that did. So glad I didnt marry him.


Well as long as you have a good reason to use your anecdotal evidence to stereotype the rest of us.

How come women demand for men to pay their rent and car payments as a condition of dating? This happened to me once so I'm sure that all women behave in such a manner.
 
2013-11-07 02:58:40 PM  
This is why Giselle is always careful to let Tom be the pretty one
 
2013-11-07 03:01:50 PM  

CleanAndPure: For those of us on cell phones for which this website won't work...

What is me, not my wife? The one with a penis?

I can confirm I have one and she doesn't... well except for 60seconds on our anniversary and birthday.


It was a self confidence test based on an exam being given, and men faltered in confidence if told that their partner did better than them. The significance of the shift was not given. It was pretty short with little going on LIKE MY LAST 3 GFs

/amidoinitrite?
 
2013-11-07 03:06:10 PM  
Weird... I feel a spot of pride when my girlfriend succeeds.  I've always been attracted to brilliant women, to be fair.
 
2013-11-07 03:07:13 PM  
IF this hurts you, you're a pussy anyway. I want my wife to make enough that I can stop working and she's almost there. Getting up and trudging to a soul sucking job doesn't make me feel any better about my self. Now, being able to sit home and drink beer all day? That will make me feel pretty farking awesome.
 
2013-11-07 03:25:40 PM  

Coastalgrl: Please tell me why men say they want an engineer/scientist/professional woman as a mate BUT want her to give it all up to stay home with the kids.

Is it all about the choice/sweeping women off her feet etc?


Actually I'd like an engineer/scientist/professional woman as a mate and then use our formidable combined income to get some other sucker to look after the kids.
 
2013-11-07 03:28:18 PM  
Thank you thecpt...

Yeah... that sounds about write... there is more pressure on men to do better than their spouses at just about everything or risk being "unmanly."

This is why all those educated Chinese women can't find husbands despite numbers so heavily in their favour... the smart men have already married all the stupid girls... and the stupid men can't marry the girls that are left.
 
2013-11-07 03:38:51 PM  

Gothnet: Coastalgrl: Please tell me why men say they want an engineer/scientist/professional woman as a mate BUT want her to give it all up to stay home with the kids.

Is it all about the choice/sweeping women off her feet etc?

Actually I'd like an engineer/scientist/professional woman as a mate and then use our formidable combined income to get some other sucker to look after the kids.


See that's what I'm looking for. How you doin?

I'm not generalizing too much but I just keep running into the concept over the past 6 years or so. Process goes: Interested in guy, we start chatting, discovery of "me man, you woman engineer, me want, you must give up career, stay home, make babbies/pie/sammich"

The other two categories: gay, or virgin/asexual.

I love my gay brothers but my plumbing isnt fun for them.
 
2013-11-07 03:41:15 PM  
Sounds like the opposite of the attitude that is common among women - to seek a powerful/successful man and measure their own success based on his.
 
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