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(Yahoo)   New UC-Berkeley study indicates that married couples where the wife calms down quickly during an argument are the happiest, although the existence of this type of wife is strictly theoretical   (shine.yahoo.com) divider line 70
    More: Obvious, University of California, Berkeley Studies, marriages, Institute for Social Research, Oakland University, family therapist, emotional regulation, existence  
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2633 clicks; posted to Main » on 07 Nov 2013 at 4:34 AM (49 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-11-06 09:35:35 PM  
How my parents managed to stay together for over 50 years, I don't know since he's the one who gets mad fast and gets over it fast, while she stays mad for a long time.

He is an irritating man.

Since I don't know how this marriage thing works, here's a brilliant quotation on how big families work:

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns
US actor & comedian (1896 - 1996)

And those dates are right, should you be too young to remember him.
 
2013-11-06 10:09:27 PM  
I'm not sure to feel about being labeled "theoretical"
 
2013-11-06 10:27:14 PM  
I believe she's married to Bigfoot.
 
2013-11-07 04:38:37 AM  
It's when she calms down and smiles that she's about to stab you.
 
2013-11-07 04:42:27 AM  
Calming one's self during a heated argument requires a large measure of self-control.

Girls just aren't taught that any more.

That might be why we have such well-behaved women here (like parasol upthread) who were brought up to realize that they weren't the center of the universe but rather integral parts of it. When we all work together well, everything goes well. When one part becomes an insane, shrill harpy with no accountability or reason, everything falls apart quickly.
 
2013-11-07 04:43:31 AM  
Two men. /problem sokved
 
2013-11-07 04:45:36 AM  

Mouren: Two men. /problem sokved


Unfortunately that doesn't work for most of us.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxXsEFajtrI
 
2013-11-07 04:51:13 AM  
Calming down first and forgiving/forgetting first are not the same. The latter is more important.
 
2013-11-07 04:55:58 AM  
the emotional outcome of the fight was determined by how the wife was feeling, which, in part, might stem from long-held gender beliefs "Cultural stereotypes of women as the emotional center of marriage - and men as emotional dummies - led couples in this study to be more attuned to the wife's emotional regulation, and that, in turn, is what is feeding both spouses' perceptions of marital quality,"

That.

/Or the fact that women who don't calm down quickly will continue to hold a grudge forever
//Amount of grudges goes up, happiness goes down
 
2013-11-07 04:56:11 AM  

AverageAmericanGuy: Mouren: Two men. /problem sokved

Unfortunately that doesn't work for most of us.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxXsEFajtrI


Hedge your bets and go for both then!
/off topic: damn does mobile firefox hate fark. Won't return or resize for shiat
 
2013-11-07 04:59:44 AM  
jokideo.com
 
2013-11-07 05:01:16 AM  
static.themetapicture.com
 
2013-11-07 05:04:28 AM  
randomoverload.net
 
2013-11-07 05:07:54 AM  
Farker self study shows that sharing this article with one's wife results in an unhappy marriage...
 
2013-11-07 05:11:39 AM  

AverageAmericanGuy: Calming one's self during a heated argument requires a large measure of self-control.

Girls just aren't taught that any more.


Yeah. I blame this:

funnyasduck.net
 
2013-11-07 05:22:55 AM  
I've got one.

We both heat up quick, cool down in minutes. But three words of mine have limited most warring these last seventeen years:

"As you wish."
 
2013-11-07 05:39:01 AM  
My wife and I have been together for 15 years....have 7 year old daughter ....and we have only had a couple of fights, and those weren't real serious fights....She is truly my best friend.
 
2013-11-07 06:01:28 AM  
My dad always got the last word in...
"Yes, dear."
 
2013-11-07 06:28:45 AM  

parasol: I'm not sure to feel about being labeled "theoretical"


It's debatable.
 
2013-11-07 06:47:44 AM  
My fiancee and I still haven't had an argument, and we've been together for 4+ years. Is there something wrong with us? Is it because she's my fiancee and not my wife yet?
 
2013-11-07 06:49:25 AM  

brantgoose: How my parents managed to stay together for over 50 years, I don't know


Spite?
 
2013-11-07 06:55:45 AM  
They just use their built-in bullshiat excuse of PMS. No one is buying it. Just admit you're farking crazy already.
 
2013-11-07 07:02:59 AM  
I follow my granddad's advice regarding marital arguments: You can be right or you can be happy, but you'll never be both.
 
2013-11-07 07:14:49 AM  
Subby sounds henpecked.
 
2013-11-07 07:16:24 AM  

kittyhas1000legs: My fiancee and I still haven't had an argument, and we've been together for 4+ years. Is there something wrong with us? Is it because she's my fiancee and not my wife yet?


Get it out of the way. We knew a couple who were married for several years without ever arguing. First argument ended in divorce. They never 'learned' how to argue.

Mr. MMM and I, OTOH, fought like cats and dogs the first few years. Still married (18 years) and can't remember the last time we had even a minor disagreement. As soon as anything arises, we're experienced enough to handle it.
 
2013-11-07 07:16:47 AM  
So... spike my wife's food with Xanax?
 
2013-11-07 07:20:40 AM  
Mrs_Fabulous was not the sexiest woman I ever dated. Nor was she the most sociable.

But she was, by far, the most reasonable and capable woman I'd ever met. And still is.

We celebrate our 25th anniversary, starting 3 hours from now when the limo arrives...actual date is the 12th.

A quarter century into this thing, I still feel like a lottery winner. Let that be a lesson to you all.
 
2013-11-07 07:26:14 AM  

kittyhas1000legs: My fiancee and I still haven't had an argument, and we've been together for 4+ years. Is there something wrong with us? Is it because she's my fiancee and not my wife yet?


No, there's something wrong with the crowd who think that marriage triggers a personality change in women, that hating your wife after years of marriage is normal, that no sex is normal and something that happens to every married couple, and people who think that all women use PMS as an excuse for anything.  What's normal is to talk with your other half to avoid arguments and, if you do argue, to be wise enough to realise when it's your fault and if it's not to realise that "winning" the argument may not be important.  It's called emotional intelligence and maturity and you don't see much of it here.
 
2013-11-07 07:29:07 AM  
I've long maintained that marriage is an elaborate game of Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Wife beats Husband
Husband beats Kids
Kids beat Wife

The beating here is figurative.
 
2013-11-07 07:32:12 AM  

Blink: I've long maintained that marriage is an elaborate game of Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Wife beats Husband
Husband beats Kids
Kids beat Wife

The beating here is figurative.


I think the word you are looking for is "trumps".
 
2013-11-07 07:42:43 AM  
My wife is the calm one. I'm the one who typically gets a bug up my ass. But I have my reasons, dammit.
 
2013-11-07 07:43:20 AM  

The Envoy: kittyhas1000legs: My fiancee and I still haven't had an argument, and we've been together for 4+ years. Is there something wrong with us? Is it because she's my fiancee and not my wife yet?

No, there's something wrong with the crowd who think that marriage triggers a personality change in women, that hating your wife after years of marriage is normal, that no sex is normal and something that happens to every married couple, and people who think that all women use PMS as an excuse for anything.  What's normal is to talk with your other half to avoid arguments and, if you do argue, to be wise enough to realise when it's your fault and if it's not to realise that "winning" the argument may not be important.  It's called emotional intelligence and maturity and you don't see much of it here.


That's absolutely spot on, kittyhas1000legs. Your marriage will be different.
 
2013-11-07 07:45:24 AM  
Everyone can be happy if you set the bar low enough.
 
2013-11-07 08:02:05 AM  

Incontinent_dog_and_monkey_rodeo: Blink: I've long maintained that marriage is an elaborate game of Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Wife beats Husband
Husband beats Kids
Kids beat Wife

The beating here is figurative.

I think the word you are looking for is "trumps".


Man, why do you have to insert Donald Trump into everything?
 
2013-11-07 08:07:24 AM  
I'm glad I'm single.
My best friend's wife can go from zero to koont in .5 seconds.
 
2013-11-07 08:18:05 AM  

kittyhas1000legs: My fiancee and I still haven't had an argument, and we've been together for 4+ years. Is there something wrong with us? Is it because she's my fiancee and not my wife yet?


As long as you aren't faking agreement about everything. What is important is having a process for resolving disagreements.

Also, marriage changes nothing. Ladies, if you think your husband is going to turn into Prince farking Charming when you put a ring on it, you are farked. It's a piece of paper.
 
2013-11-07 08:19:22 AM  
I've been in a couple relationships, and the current one has been stable for the past 4-5 years now, with very little in the way of arguments aside from the occasional emotional "off days", which both of us are able to recognize in ourselves and warn the other of (e.g. "I'm having a bad day, so if I blow up at you today, I don't mean it.").

I think what sets this one apart from my previous relationships, aside from already having a variety of relationship experiences going into it, is that I finally found someone who is an intellectual equal.  When you're in a relationship with someone who you think is stupider than you, it's very difficult to respect their opinions in a debate because you automatically assume them to be uninformed.  You only give in grudgingly, because you're tired of fighting, rather than because you honestly think they're right.

With my current partner, though, even though we're from two different educational backgrounds (I'm from the physical sciences, she's from the behavioral sciences), we both run intellectual circles around each other in our respective fields, and recognize where those strengths and weaknesses lie.  And, happily, we've also both discovered that we're really turned on by watching the other eviscerate an invalid argument by showing their work, even if it's against us.

TL;DR version: It's easier to peacefully and decisively end arguments when both partners respect each others' intelligence.
 
2013-11-07 08:36:24 AM  
Dr please some more of these, outside the door she took four more...running for the shelter of mothers little helper...

The only calm women i have ever met were either medicated and/or recently satisfied ;)
 
2013-11-07 08:48:46 AM  
It also helps if she gives apologetic head afterwards.
 
2013-11-07 08:52:38 AM  

pkellmey: Everyone can be happy if you set the bar low enough.


This!!! I gave up trying to be right years ago. Also, most of those things mentioned up thread are not true. The one that is, wasn't mentioned. Blow jobs! Gone. Probably forever. Unless she is drunk. which also never happens anymore.
 
2013-11-07 08:57:42 AM  

Por que tan serioso: pkellmey: Everyone can be happy if you set the bar low enough.

This!!! I gave up trying to be right years ago. Also, most of those things mentioned up thread are not true. The one that is, wasn't mentioned. Blow jobs! Gone. Probably forever. Unless she is drunk. which also never happens anymore.


I'm sure that's all her fault.
 
2013-11-07 09:04:02 AM  
Hell, my wife argues wtih me even when I'm agreeing with her.
 
2013-11-07 09:19:23 AM  

belhade: Hell, my wife argues wtih me even when I'm agreeing with her.


That was a feature I had not expected from marriage.

Sometimes I defuse the squabble by going into Argument Clinic mode until she realizes what I'm doing, and then she either stomps off in a huff or wants to make out. Either way, argument over.
 
2013-11-07 09:33:43 AM  

The Envoy: Por que tan serioso: pkellmey: Everyone can be happy if you set the bar low enough.

This!!! I gave up trying to be right years ago. Also, most of those things mentioned up thread are not true. The one that is, wasn't mentioned. Blow jobs! Gone. Probably forever. Unless she is drunk. which also never happens anymore.

I'm sure that's all her fault.


Yeah. Society takes a dim view of drugging women so they perform sex acts.
 
2013-11-07 09:44:56 AM  
My wife can go from 0-60 pretty quickly, and often without warning. I, however, spent a good bit of time working with kids with anger and emotional issues so I have techniques and tactics that I use to respond. Plus I keep a cattle prod under my pillow.

/Just kidding
//I don't sleep with a pillow
 
2013-11-07 09:54:05 AM  
I love make up sex.
 
2013-11-07 09:54:58 AM  

August11: I've got one.

We both heat up quick, cool down in minutes. But three words of mine have limited most warring these last seventeen years:

"As you wish."


I actually say that as well. (You both have to have seen the movie, of course.)

I see it as having three subtexts:
"Yes, dear."
"fark you, dear."
"I love you."

Since it is ultimately conciliatory, it allows me to make my point and vent while still giving in.
 
2013-11-07 10:09:58 AM  
 
2013-11-07 10:10:49 AM  
I'm on the "I give up" side.  You can't reason someone out of something they didn't reason themselves into, and if you are that upset, it's mostly not a product of reason, so arguing is pointless.
 
2013-11-07 10:16:20 AM  

Nabb1: I follow my granddad's advice regarding marital arguments: You can be right or you can be happy, but you'll never be both.


I'm a female with a stubborn partner and I follow this philosophy. When he gets upset there's no point in arguing. When I get angry upset, its best for me to remove myself from the situation. Sad/crying upset somehow often brings us closer.

/conflict in relationships sucks
 
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