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(The New Republic)   You probably knew about all the creepy apps parents can use to track their teens. You may not have known about the SemenSpy Deluxe forensic kit for sheets and underpants   (newrepublic.com) divider line 73
    More: Strange, SemenSpy Deluxe, mobile apps, cities in Canada, safe zone, online predators, permanent residence, parental controls  
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5623 clicks; posted to Main » on 30 Oct 2013 at 2:22 AM (50 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



73 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2013-10-30 12:25:32 AM  
and tube socks subby,  you forgot about the tube socks.
 
2013-10-30 02:25:12 AM  
Your stupid crotch fruit doesn't need a cell phone. Full Stop.
 
2013-10-30 02:29:33 AM  

AgentPothead: Your stupid crotch fruit doesn't need a cell phone. Full Stop.


I'm pretty sure they make loud, annoying noises if they can't have what their friends have.

I'm also pretty sure that CPS will come is it if you try to stop them from making loud, annoying noises through any means other than giving them what they want.

Not a parent, though, just what I've noticed in passing.
 
2013-10-30 02:34:16 AM  

sendtodave: AgentPothead: Your stupid crotch fruit doesn't need a cell phone. Full Stop.

I'm pretty sure they make loud, annoying noises if they can't have what their friends have.

I'm also pretty sure that CPS will come is it if you try to stop them from making loud, annoying noises through any means other than giving them what they want.

Not a parent, though, just what I've noticed in passing.



Let your kid go and be a better example to the shiatty kids.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HbYScltf1c
 
2013-10-30 02:34:22 AM  
I gave my kid full run of the internet when he was 2. I was tired of him waking me up at 4 in the morning so he could watch some goddamned 15 minute kids show, so I showed him how he could find those shows himself on Youtube.

From trying to understand the search box, he learned how to read and spell from Youtube. He also, somewhere along the line, learned Spanish, though no one in the family speaks a word of it.

Maybe one day I'll be sorry and he'll be surfing porn sites and doing his best to cover his tracks. But I doubt I'll be especially sorry. After all, like father, like son.
 
2013-10-30 02:37:18 AM  

sendtodave: AgentPothead: Your stupid crotch fruit doesn't need a cell phone. Full Stop.

I'm pretty sure they make loud, annoying noises if they can't have what their friends have.

I'm also pretty sure that CPS will come is it if you try to stop them from making loud, annoying noises through any means other than giving them what they want.

Not a parent, though, just what I've noticed in passing.


Dad, as you know, we've been swimming, and we've developed a taste for it. We both agree that getting our own pool is the only way to go. Now before you respond, you must understand that your refusal would result in months and months of...

Can we have a pool Dad?
Can we have a pool Dad?
Can we have a pool Dad?
Can we have a pool Dad?
Can we have a pool Dad?
Can we
-- [Lisa motions him to stop]

I understand. Let us celebrate our new arrangement with the adding of chocolate to milk.
 
2013-10-30 02:42:20 AM  
Step one: teach your kid not to be a dick to people on the internet (and obviously not in person either). Step two, explain that Nigerian princes and their ilk are not real and never give money or personal info out online even if it's 'the FBI'. Step three, explain as many times as it takes that porn is not the same as normal sex.

You're welcome.
 
2013-10-30 02:45:54 AM  
scary part about all this.  I've known folks whose parents were super hardcore fundy and would smell their sheets and thier underpants for jizz, and took the doors off the bathroom and his bedroom so he'd have nowhere to jerkoff in peace.
 
2013-10-30 02:47:59 AM  

Rreal: scary part about all this.  I've known folks whose parents were super hardcore fundy and would smell their sheets and thier underpants for jizz, and took the doors off the bathroom and his bedroom so he'd have nowhere to jerkoff in peace.


They just wanted to watch.
 
2013-10-30 02:48:50 AM  
My kids can have a cell phone when they can afford one with their own money, that they earn themselves.
 
2013-10-30 02:50:36 AM  
And now that I've read the article.

These FiLiP assholes are the very people making parents paranoid!!!

All to make a buck.
 
2013-10-30 02:50:56 AM  

sendtodave: AgentPothead: Your stupid crotch fruit doesn't need a cell phone. Full Stop.

I'm pretty sure they make loud, annoying noises if they can't have what their friends have.

I'm also pretty sure that CPS will come is it if you try to stop them from making loud, annoying noises through any means other than giving them what they want.

Not a parent, though, just what I've noticed in passing.


Mr. Matris and I have made it very clear to our kids, 7 & 9 y/o, that they won't be getting their own cell phones until they can pay the bills themselves.  They understand and are just fine with it, no loud noises, CPS, or anything.  Problem solved.  If they want to play Plants vs. Zombies or make a phone call, they can use our family phone.

But then our kids still run free in the neighborhood with their friends and return at dinnertime.  We don't understand just what it is we're supposed to worry so much about and are happily oblivious to all that pressure we're supposedly under.
 
2013-10-30 02:54:40 AM  

Rreal: scary part about all this.  I've known folks whose parents were super hardcore fundy and would smell their sheets and thier underpants for jizz, and took the doors off the bathroom and his bedroom so he'd have nowhere to jerkoff in peace.


That seems like a great way to really screw up a kid.
 
2013-10-30 03:00:23 AM  
meat0918:

All to make a buck.

No, I do not agree. This is the key sentence. ' I didn't become a parent to play undercover agent for the state surveillance apparatus. "

What this is all about is social conditioning designed to get people used to being spied upon.
 
2013-10-30 03:02:11 AM  

AgentPothead: Your stupid crotch fruit doesn't need a cell phone. Full Stop.


They need the phone's GPS to know where to land the helicopter if someone brings a peanut to school.
 
2013-10-30 03:02:58 AM  

I LEARNED IT FROM YOU, OK? I LEARNED IT FROM YOU!!!

 
2013-10-30 03:07:58 AM  
The author was surprised to find a browser on the wii. His kids are running the show already.
 
2013-10-30 03:10:56 AM  
Semenspy?  must be for checking up on girls.  Because for boys, that thing will be going off everywhere.
 
2013-10-30 03:15:59 AM  
I remember seeing a Dairy Queen sign back in the 80's that said "Hey kids! Scream until daddy stops the car!"
 
2013-10-30 03:19:09 AM  

tbeatty: Semenspy?  must be for checking up on girls.  Because for boys, that thing will be going off everywhere.


A black light investigation of my teenage bedroom would look like a Jackson Pollock painting!
 
2013-10-30 03:24:42 AM  

illannoyin: tbeatty: Semenspy?  must be for checking up on girls.  Because for boys, that thing will be going off everywhere.

A black light investigation of my teenage bedroom would look like a Jackson Pollock painting!


Eeeeewwwwwww
 
2013-10-30 03:25:51 AM  

illannoyin: tbeatty: Semenspy?  must be for checking up on girls.  Because for boys, that thing will be going off everywhere.

A black light investigation of my teenage bedroom would look like a Jackson Pollock painting!


Son, all I want to know is how the hell did you manage to jizz on the ceiling fan?
 
2013-10-30 03:27:13 AM  

zerkalo: I LEARNED IT FROM YOU, OK? I LEARNED IT FROM YOU!!!


it was "You, all right?  I learned it by watching you!"

There is no "from" - it is "by watching" instead...nor is there an "ok."
 
2013-10-30 03:29:40 AM  
Hand held blacklights or blacklight flashlights are inexpensive (around $10) and readily available. They are marketed primarily as a tool to find out where your pet has marked the carpet but work quite well should you wish to inspect your children's sheets or undergarments. While almost all bodily fluids 'shine' when viewed under black light, semen, due to its chemical composition, shines the brightest.
But if you're really serious about detecting semen on your children's sheets and undergarments a more effective, though more expensive, option is to go into therapy because you need help.
 
2013-10-30 03:35:28 AM  
What's white, 8 inches long, and full of semen?

The sock under my bed.
 
2013-10-30 03:44:05 AM  
The never ending debate.  Do parents cause the solution to all problems?  Or do teens have Bieber fever?
 
2013-10-30 03:45:43 AM  
Spying on your kids sexuality is not ok. Turn yourself in.
 
2013-10-30 03:46:06 AM  
I don't understand why you just wouldn't give a lick or two, and just taste your daughter's panties. I've read semen can have a bleach like taste. Go on. Taste her underwear.
 
2013-10-30 03:46:07 AM  

HortusMatris: If they want to play Plants vs. Zombies or make a phone call, they can use our family phone.


Which is a great plan. But many parents don't offer their children access to shared, household resources -- they simply deny children access to communication and entertainment as some form of training. Presumably to ensure that when the children are "old enough" to participate in the society they'll have no experience, no self-control, and an aversion to sharing.

Also "pay for it yourself" can be a bit unjust, as children are legally prohibited from working, are required by law to put in hours of unpaid labor most weeks, have limited access to transportation, banking and other services that support financial independence, and can be legally paid less when/if they are permitted to work. I know those are societal issue and not rules you impose as a parent, but the result is still the economic oppression of children.
 
2013-10-30 03:46:46 AM  
Can't these people afford chastity belts for their children?
 
2013-10-30 03:48:27 AM  

Rreal: scary part about all this.  I've known folks whose parents were super hardcore fundy and would smell their sheets and thier underpants for jizz, and took the doors off the bathroom and his bedroom so he'd have nowhere to jerkoff in peace.


For fundies, that *is* their sexuality. Fantasizing about what they forbid others. Fkken sickos.
 
2013-10-30 03:56:22 AM  

Rreal: scary part about all this.  I've known folks whose parents were super hardcore fundy and would smell their sheets and thier underpants for jizz, and took the doors off the bathroom and his bedroom so he'd have nowhere to jerkoff in peace.


Ok, maybe, *maybe* if they just took a blacklight to check that might have something to do with said parents warped religious thinking and/or psychosis but if they're getting the nose in and taking a *biiig* sniff then something far worse (to the tune of "please report these people to DCFS" levels) is going on in that house.
 
2013-10-30 03:58:13 AM  
I let my kid have free reign with the internet, and just explained what to avoid (in terms her 5 year old mind could understand) and it's paid off in spades. I checked her youtube history once or twice and found out she'd been downvoting videos that popped up on her "recommended" list that were not appropriate for what she was looking for. For instance, she loves Toy Story, but every video that had the characters in adult situations she'd downvoted and ignored. Such as a video of Woody and Buzz smoking pot. She just wants to watch kids stuff and is aware enough to know that things like that aren't things she wants to watch.

She even figured out, entirely on her own, how to turn Google's Safe Search back on after I'd turned it off for reasons. I don't assume my kid is a special snowflake, so it seems that to me that if her behavior is typical then if you give a kid a safe amount of freedom they are more than intelligent enough to set their own boundaries without you having to watch their every move.

/que people telling me I'm a terrible parent
 
2013-10-30 03:58:14 AM  

cardex: A black light investigation of my teenage bedroom would look like a Jackson Pollock painting!

Eeeeewwwwwww


A friends brother in law (police detective) said, if you do that in a typical hotel room you'll never want to sleep in one again.
 
2013-10-30 04:01:51 AM  
Creepy the creepcreep.
 
2013-10-30 04:16:48 AM  

Esroc: a video of Woody and Buzz smoking pot


That exists? Thanks for the tip!

/off to YouTube
 
2013-10-30 04:22:31 AM  

Esroc: I checked her youtube history once or twice and found out she'd been downvoting videos that popped up on her "recommended" list that were not appropriate for what she was looking for. For instance, she loves Toy Story, but every video that had the characters in adult situations she'd downvoted and ignored. Such as a video of Woody and Buzz smoking pot. She just wants to watch kids stuff and is aware enough to know that things like that aren't things she wants to watch.


My kid found this and freaked the fark out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Bb4xc0rjRI

Truth be told, it creeped me out too.
 
2013-10-30 04:41:17 AM  
My kid has had his own cell phone since he was 6.  We also don't monitor his online activity, but when the little bastard scrapped my entire TF2 backpack for crafting a couple years ago I almost ended him.
 
2013-10-30 04:44:49 AM  

ladyfortuna: Step three, explain as many times as it takes that porn is not the same as normal sex.


But it a perfect world it would be.
 
2013-10-30 05:04:12 AM  

AverageAmericanGuy: I gave my kid full run of the internet when he was 2. I was tired of him waking me up at 4 in the morning so he could watch some goddamned 15 minute kids show, so I showed him how he could find those shows himself on Youtube.

From trying to understand the search box, he learned how to read and spell from Youtube. He also, somewhere along the line, learned Spanish, though no one in the family speaks a word of it.

Maybe one day I'll be sorry and he'll be surfing porn sites and doing his best to cover his tracks. But I doubt I'll be especially sorry. After all, like father, like son.


CSB! srsly now, the net is opening up a whole new way of edumacatin' the little humans that just was not thinkable even 10 years ago. Good for ya, just keep an eye on what he's building with those Legos.

/I would have done some serious blowin' up if there had been an Internets when I was a rugrat
//I did some blowin' up anyway
 
2013-10-30 05:27:35 AM  
Right. And the Invisible Fence collar on my late lamented cairn terrier let my dog be a dog.

Another look at this sentiment, and you can easily stop reading there.
 
2013-10-30 05:48:40 AM  
Jesus
 
2013-10-30 05:50:39 AM  

Esroc: I let my kid have free reign with the internet, and just explained what to avoid (in terms her 5 year old mind could understand) and it's paid off in spades. I checked her youtube history once or twice and found out she'd been downvoting videos that popped up on her "recommended" list that were not appropriate for what she was looking for. For instance, she loves Toy Story, but every video that had the characters in adult situations she'd downvoted and ignored. Such as a video of Woody and Buzz smoking pot. She just wants to watch kids stuff and is aware enough to know that things like that aren't things she wants to watch.

She even figured out, entirely on her own, how to turn Google's Safe Search back on after I'd turned it off for reasons. I don't assume my kid is a special snowflake, so it seems that to me that if her behavior is typical then if you give a kid a safe amount of freedom they are more than intelligent enough to set their own boundaries without you having to watch their every move.

/que people telling me I'm a terrible parent


Terrible parent? No.
Terrible speller? Well...,

/"queue," not "que"
//unless you were speaking Spanish
 
2013-10-30 05:54:17 AM  
The fundie homeschoolers have a much simpler approach to the problem (including preventing young boys from mass-murdering millions of potential human beings and dozens of kittens).

 Simply remove the doors from sonny-boy's bedroom. It gives the double bonus of taking away any and all foolish notions of so-called 'privacy', and it also allows Daddy easier access to the bedroom at 3:00 AM.
 
2013-10-30 05:56:45 AM  

worlddan: meat0918:

All to make a buck.

No, I do not agree. This is the key sentence. ' I didn't become a parent to play undercover agent for the state surveillance apparatus. "

What this is all about is social conditioning designed to get people used to being spied upon.


While I agree with the sentiment, that quote in this article I actually DISagree with.  The author made it in response to sheriff who was basically just telling parents not to let their kids be bullying dicks online, which is fine advice in my book....and responsibility for your child /= Orwellian police state.

Ie, police your kids, so the rest of society doesn't have to get all heavy-handed authoritarian on the rest of us...it's doing that ALREADY, and doesn't need any more impetus, thank you very much.
 
2013-10-30 05:58:57 AM  

docmattic: /que people telling me I'm a terrible parent

Terrible parent? No.
Terrible speller? Well...,

/"queue," not "que"
//unless you were speaking Spanish


You really spiked the ball on that one.
 
2013-10-30 06:20:21 AM  

profplump: economic oppression of children.


This is a thing? While I understand paper routes have been monopolized by poor imigrants with a 1990s minivan, people still have yards that need mowing right? Raking leaves, washing cars.

The problem isn't the economic oppression of children (still chuckling), it is the lack of expectation they should actually work.

I agree on the child labor laws, though. If you want to bag groceries at 11 y/o and your parents sign off, the government should piss off.

/first tax paying job at 13
//minimum wage and I was RICH!
 
2013-10-30 06:30:21 AM  

AgentPothead: Your stupid crotch fruit doesn't need a cell phone. Full Stop.


When I was a teenager (17, anyhow) I had a job with on-call hours.  A cell is also useful for parents that want to call their kid on short notice and find out where they are instead of keeping a detailed list of the kid's schedule and land-line numbers for all possible locations.  When the kid has a cell, calling them to tell them you need to pick them up early is a matter of a couple minutes instead of three hours spent calling every friend's house and getting caught in a half-dozen conversations.

Honestly, I avoided the things until I had the job, it was much more of an increase in the power of the parental leash than anything else.
 
2013-10-30 06:43:56 AM  
Let me save you some money. Your teenager is masturbating and having sex every possible chance they get.  Just like you did when you where that age.
 
2013-10-30 07:22:15 AM  

AgentPothead: Your stupid crotch fruit doesn't need a cell phone. Full Stop.


Neither do adults. They're a luxury item, a convenient gadget that makes life easier, but they're not a necessity.
 
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