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(Thought Catalog)   To the left, 50 people on "the most intellectual joke I know". To the right, what Fark considers to be an intellectual joke   (thoughtcatalog.com) divider line 490
    More: Amusing, Descartes, Jean-Paul Sartre, TCP, Heisenberg  
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23526 clicks; posted to Main » on 29 Oct 2013 at 5:03 PM (46 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



490 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2013-10-29 02:45:34 PM
Why do programmers confuse Christmas with Halloween?

Because 25DEC == 31OCT


/by a very long way, that's the nerdiest joke I know
 
2013-10-29 02:50:58 PM
I always liked the one about whether Hell was exothermic or endothermic.
 
2013-10-29 02:57:21 PM
"Q: What does the "B" in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?
A: Benoit B. Mandelbrot. "

Okay, THAT is funny.
 
2013-10-29 03:04:55 PM
Bad old ones:

To do is to be -- Descartes

To be is to do -- Sartre

Doo, bee, doo, bee, doo -- Sinatra


***

Euripides trousers, Euminides trousers.


***


And one I like:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see."

Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that some bastard stole our tent."
 
2013-10-29 03:13:26 PM
The Latin professor was uncharacteristically late in returning home. His wife started when he came home: his hair and clothes were mussed and he had a swollen eye.

'What happened!?'

'My dear, you won't believe it. On my way home from school I was set upon by a bunch of hoodla.'
 
2013-10-29 03:13:38 PM
and the Penguin says "No, that's just vanilla ice cream"
 
2013-10-29 03:16:44 PM
Two Farkers have a rational, intelligent, productive debate in a politics thread
 
2013-10-29 03:20:11 PM
Then the pi meson farted and flew out the window.
 
2013-10-29 03:32:19 PM

DammitIForgotMyLogin: Why do programmers confuse Christmas with Halloween?

Because 25DEC == 31OCT

/by a very long way, that's the nerdiest joke I know


Why don't people write jokes in octal?

Because 7, 10, 11.
 
2013-10-29 03:37:13 PM

robsmovievault.files.wordpress.com

 
2013-10-29 03:44:00 PM

Rincewind53: "Q: What does the "B" in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?
A: Benoit B. Mandelbrot. "

Okay, THAT is funny.


That one got a good lol from me as well.  A lot of those are pretty funny actually
 
2013-10-29 04:00:44 PM
The one about the "at least one sheep that is black on one side" was my favorite
 
2013-10-29 04:01:30 PM
The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.


Not bad
 
2013-10-29 04:07:50 PM
"I'm a linguist, so I like ambiguity more than most people."

Ok, this is nice.

/had heard of a lot of these.
 
2013-10-29 04:15:21 PM

brantgoose: Euripides trousers, Euminides trousers.


I think Gabe Kaplan told that one on Welcome Back, Kotter, so I'm not sure it can be considered intellectual.

/how do you get a nun pregnant? Have an altar boy shiat in her coont.
//not intellectual, but funny!
 
2013-10-29 04:36:02 PM
Huh.  I remember that thread on Reddit 4 months ago.

It's nice that Buzzfeed can take a 3.5 month old thread on Reddit and turn it into an article.
And that Fark can then link to that article two weeks later.

That's some quality first-world job creation right there.
 
2013-10-29 04:39:00 PM
I'd heard many of those, but these got LOLs:

What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

The first rule of Tautology club, is the first rule of Tautology club.
 
2013-10-29 05:07:02 PM
Joke number 43.
 
2013-10-29 05:07:07 PM
There are only 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.

Geeky rather than intellectual though..
 
2013-10-29 05:07:42 PM
The Fark Politics tab.

oh, intellectual joke?
 
2013-10-29 05:09:16 PM
A programmer goes to take a shower.  He has a new shampoo, so he reads the directions on the side of the bottle.  He's never seen again.
 
2013-10-29 05:10:00 PM
Half the jokes are merely indecipherable to a larger audience because they use obscure technical terms that nobody outside of that field would have reason to know.  That's like saying that somebody is intellectual because they speak in jive.
 
2013-10-29 05:10:15 PM
True Fact: There is a herd of buffalo on the grounds of Fermilab. They're called... the Higgs Bison.

/yes, that joke's mine
//yes, I've worn it out in the Geek tab
 
2013-10-29 05:11:39 PM

Eddie Adams from Torrance: and the Penguin says "No, that's just vanilla ice cream"


and the cop says, "Nope. The pig squealed."
 
2013-10-29 05:12:25 PM
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but the lightbulb has to WANT to change...

/borderline
 
2013-10-29 05:14:02 PM

halB: That's like saying that somebody is intellectual because they speak in jive.


Hey now! Skills like that can save people's lives!

reggiestake.files.wordpress.com
 
2013-10-29 05:14:49 PM

nekom: Rincewind53: "Q: What does the "B" in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?
A: Benoit B. Mandelbrot. "

Okay, THAT is funny.

That one got a good lol from me as well.  A lot of those are pretty funny actually


Ugh.  Took me reading that three times to get it.
 
2013-10-29 05:15:22 PM
My favorite intellectual Joke came from Mel Brooks history of the World-where Gregory Hines passed a blind man an says."Oedipus, Motherfarker!"
 
2013-10-29 05:15:27 PM
Those are puns, the lowest form of humor.
 
2013-10-29 05:15:41 PM
And the string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
 
2013-10-29 05:15:53 PM
img.fark.net
 
2013-10-29 05:15:56 PM
Q:  How did the constipated mathematician solve his problem?
A:  He worked it out with a pencil.
 
2013-10-29 05:16:05 PM
An engineer, a mathematician and a statistician all encounter the same problem -their trashcan is on fire. The engineer puts the fire out with water. The mathematician calculates the EXACT amount of water to put the fire out, precisely measures it in time to put it out at time t. The statistician decides that the sample size isn't large enough, so he sets other trash cans on fire to study the problem more.
 
2013-10-29 05:16:09 PM
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb

Oy! Nevermind, I'll just sit here in the dark.
 
2013-10-29 05:16:50 PM
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

He heard the referee was blowing fowls.
 
2013-10-29 05:16:59 PM

MaudlinMutantMollusk: Two Farkers have a rational, intelligent, productive debate in a politics thread


Joke, not fairy tale.
 
2013-10-29 05:17:24 PM
What do West Virginians do on Halloween?

They pump kin.
 
2013-10-29 05:18:18 PM

foo monkey: Q:  How did the constipated mathematician solve his problem?
A:  He worked it out with a pencil.


I was told there would be no ... was it erasure in first? Damn you...
 
2013-10-29 05:18:18 PM
By far the worst I have ever heard.  It's long, but stick with it to the punchline... it will either make you laugh out loud, or want to murder me!

A guy goes to the park during a particularly fertile spring, and let me tell you, everything is multiplying.  The rabbits are multiplying, the birds are multiplying, the deer are multiplying, the fish are multiplying... every little critter is multiplying.  As he wanders through the park he sees two snakes, and they aren't multiplying.  He can't for the life of him imagine why, so he asks one:  "Hello little snakes, I see today everyone is multiplying.  The birds, the fish, the rabbits, the deer, all the little critters.  Why not you?".
One of the snakes looks up at him and says "We're adders, we can't multiply".

(keep going, we aren't there yet!)

The next spring the man returns to the park.  He can see that the county has made some improvements over the winter, including some beautiful timber tables.  He also notices once again, that all the critters are multiplying.  The rabbits, the deer, the fish, the birds, all the little critters, but this year he notices that even the adders are on one of the tables, multiplying!  Confused again, he approaches the adders and asks them, that being adders, how they could possibly multiply.  One of the adders, obviously annoyed that their multiplying has been interrupted, looks up and says: "Isn't it obvious, with log tables, even adders can multiply!"

/wa wa waaaah
 
2013-10-29 05:18:19 PM

KidneyStone: nekom: Rincewind53: "Q: What does the "B" in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?
A: Benoit B. Mandelbrot. "

Okay, THAT is funny.

That one got a good lol from me as well.  A lot of those are pretty funny actually

Ugh.  Took me reading that three times to get it.




I'm not sure why that joke is funny, explain it for me, please?
 
Bf+
2013-10-29 05:18:19 PM
Uh... Wouldn't the programmer have brought home 13 loaves of bread?
 
2013-10-29 05:18:22 PM

Mine: "Descartes walks into a bar and the bartender asks him what he wants to drink. Descartes says 'hmmm, I don't know' and vanishes in a puff of logic."


Ripped off from Douglas Adams.


doomwaxer:

Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on technicality...


Ripped off from The Onion.


*closes TFA*
 
2013-10-29 05:18:59 PM
A helium atom goes into a bar and orders a triple bourbon. The bartender pours it and the helium atom downs it then asks for another round. Concerned, the bartender asks, "Say, pal, life got ya down?"

"Yeah," said the atom. "I've lost an electron."

"You sure?" says the bartender.

"Yeah. I'm positive."
 
2013-10-29 05:19:01 PM
A chemist, a physicist, and an economist are trapped on a desert island with 1 can of food but no can opener.

The physicist says "If we take a rock and throw it with a certain force and a certain angle, it will hit the can and open it so we can eat."

The chemist says "If we mix salt deposits with some of the chemicals from our signalling flare, we'll create a corrosive chemical that will eat through the metal of the can so we can eat."

The economist pauses for a moment and says "Let's start by assuming that we have a can opener."
 
2013-10-29 05:19:57 PM

Englebert Slaptyback: Mine: "Descartes walks into a bar and the bartender asks him what he wants to drink. Descartes says 'hmmm, I don't know' and vanishes in a puff of logic."


Ripped off from Douglas Adams.


doomwaxer:

Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on technicality...


Ripped off from The Onion.


*closes TFA*




It's people's funniest intellectual joke they know, not created. Who cares where it comes from.
 
2013-10-29 05:20:21 PM
TFA: Mine: "Descartes walks into a bar and the bartender asks him what he wants to drink. Descartes says 'hmmm, I don't know' and vanishes in a puff of logic."

And you got it wrong, genius.  The joke only works if Descartes says "I think not", not "I don't know."

Like this:
Rene Descartes walks into a bar.  The bartender says "Do you want a beer?" Descartes says "I think not", and disappears.
 
2013-10-29 05:21:08 PM

Darth_Lukecash: KidneyStone: nekom: Rincewind53: "Q: What does the "B" in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?
A: Benoit B. Mandelbrot. "

Okay, THAT is funny.

That one got a good lol from me as well.  A lot of those are pretty funny actually

Ugh.  Took me reading that three times to get it.

I'm not sure why that joke is funny, explain it for me, please?


fractals
 
2013-10-29 05:21:34 PM

KidneyStone: nekom: Rincewind53: "Q: What does the "B" in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?
A: Benoit B. Mandelbrot. "

Okay, THAT is funny.

That one got a good lol from me as well.  A lot of those are pretty funny actually

Ugh.  Took me reading that three times to get it.


I almost didn't get it, but then it recurred to me.
 
2013-10-29 05:21:47 PM

Englebert Slaptyback: Mine: "Descartes walks into a bar and the bartender asks him what he wants to drink. Descartes says 'hmmm, I don't know' and vanishes in a puff of logic."


Ripped off from Douglas Adams.


They also got it wrong.

The bartender asks him if he wants a drink.  Descrates replies "I think not!" and poof, disappears.

It works better because of the whole "I think therefor I am" thing... otherwise it's just clumsy.
 
2013-10-29 05:21:59 PM
What does a masochist say? "Hurt me!"
What a sadist say? "No."
 
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