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(Slate)   All your favorite animals are jerks   (slate.com) divider line 88
    More: Interesting, Monterey Bay Aquarium, bottlenose dolphins, Monterey Bay, Human sexual activity, pinnipeds  
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8511 clicks; posted to Main » on 29 Oct 2013 at 2:01 AM (43 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



88 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2013-10-29 12:08:31 AM
In other news, all your favorite jerks are animals
 
2013-10-29 12:17:42 AM
I see no mention of ravens.
 
2013-10-29 12:30:23 AM

SilentStrider: I see no mention of ravens.


What, with their insistent tap tap tapping? Definitely jerks.
 
2013-10-29 01:03:11 AM
He left out pandas.  They're real assholes.
 
2013-10-29 01:09:14 AM
Penguins? I don't believe it.

25.media.tumblr.com
 
2013-10-29 02:04:51 AM
funnycatwallpapers.com
 
2013-10-29 02:07:20 AM
Is it really hard to imagine that animals can also have mental problems as well as humans? If we can have deranged sociopathic humans why not in the animal kingdom as well?
 
2013-10-29 02:07:41 AM
and talking monkeys
 
2013-10-29 02:07:58 AM
That's why they're my favorite animals...
 
2013-10-29 02:10:18 AM
The Jerk Store called... They have a surplus.
 
2013-10-29 02:15:45 AM
cghm.org\
'Nature, red in tooth and claw.'
 
2013-10-29 02:17:08 AM
Dogs sometimes eat their pups.
/Why would they leave that out?
 
2013-10-29 02:22:35 AM
three male sea otters "observed harassing, dragging, guarding, and copulating with harbor seals," persisting for up to seven days after the otters killed the objects of their misguided advances

OK, that's messed up.
 
2013-10-29 02:23:27 AM

SilentStrider: I see no mention of ravens.


In hindsight, "raven jerks" was not the best search term I could have used on Google when looking for examples.
 
2013-10-29 02:23:35 AM
Survival in the wilderness is never pretty, and requires a lot of instinctive and learned behaviors that shock the sort of people that think watching nature shows makes them experts in animal psychology.

/Ric Romero reporting
 
2013-10-29 02:23:52 AM

SilentStrider: I see no mention of ravens.


A few years back, my parents climbed Mt. St. Helens.  My mom told me afterwards about the final leg of the ascent, a long slog up a bare, steep slope composed mostly of loose scree; and of the two ravens that followed them all the way up to the summit, flying up the slope ahead of them and then slowly gliding down again, always passing directly over my mom and dad and cawing loudly as they passed.  To this day, mom swears those ravens were mocking them.
 
2013-10-29 02:24:06 AM
Less like Flipper and more like the megalomaniacal King Snorky of The Simpsons

And my Simpsons reference has been pre-empted by TFA. Thanks, jerks.
 
2013-10-29 02:25:11 AM
This kind of thing is what turned me completely against most forms of animal conservation. I think it was some TED talk about lions or something trying to drum up funding. They told the story of how after killing some primate's mother, the cat tried to take care of the baby. Which died. And it just just completely drove home for me how nature is constantly brutal not just to the 'sick and the old' like I'd seen in childhood nature documentaries, but to the baby animals too. Just totally pushed me off the deep end. I'm now quite convinced that it was unforgivably cruel to let this stuff be perpetuated for a another 250 million years in the name of 'helping the animals'. So I guess biologists have convinced me that mass extinction is a good and merciful thing.
 
2013-10-29 02:26:55 AM
I love cats, and my cat flipped me off when I asked her what she thought of this story. So yeah, animals can be jerks just like humans.
 
2013-10-29 02:29:43 AM

Lachwen: SilentStrider: I see no mention of ravens.

A few years back, my parents climbed Mt. St. Helens.  My mom told me afterwards about the final leg of the ascent, a long slog up a bare, steep slope composed mostly of loose scree; and of the two ravens that followed them all the way up to the summit, flying up the slope ahead of them and then slowly gliding down again, always passing directly over my mom and dad and cawing loudly as they passed.  To this day, mom swears those ravens were mocking them.


Or perhaps their nest was nearby and they were merely keeping an eye on where your parents were headed? Or perhaps they had never seen humans before and were merely curious? Or perhaps your mother is a nut for thinking animals were mocking her?
 
2013-10-29 02:35:44 AM

strangeluck: I love cats


Therein lies your problem.
 
2013-10-29 02:44:00 AM

fusillade762: Less like Flipper and more like the megalomaniacal King Snorky of The Simpsons

And my Simpsons reference has been pre-empted by TFA. Thanks, jerks.


Obvious tag is obvious.
 
2013-10-29 02:46:23 AM

crispyone: strangeluck: I love cats

Therein lies your problem.


laughingsquid.com
 
2013-10-29 02:46:30 AM

Paris1127: Penguins? I don't believe it.

[25.media.tumblr.com image 500x281]

images2.wikia.nocookie.net
 
2013-10-29 02:56:47 AM

strangeluck: I love cats, and my cat flipped me off when I asked her what she thought of this story. So yeah, animals can be jerks just like humans.


Any of you have a cat? Let me ask you this: Do you trust him? Because I gotta get a pair of cat handcuffs and I've gotta get 'em right away......it was a shame when I found out my cat was embezzling from me. You think you know a cat for ten years, he pulls something like this: Found out while I was away, he would go down to the mailbox, pickup the checks, take em down to the bank and cash them -- disguised AS me. He had the little kitty arrow through the head, and the little kitty bunny ears, and I wouldn'ta caught him, but I went outside to his house where he sleeps...there's $3000 worth of cat toys out there! And you can't return em because they have spit all over em, so now I'M stuck with $3000 worth of cat toys! Sure, they're fun... got the little rubber mouse that has the bell inside of it, boy I hate it when it goes under the sofa, whoa, give me that!!!!

jonspach.com
 
2013-10-29 02:58:06 AM
River otters are way worse than sea otters.
Mean bastards.
 
2013-10-29 03:06:24 AM
I expected the link to have a video of a baby tortoise humping someone's boot. Or talk about how koalas are total assholes.
 
2013-10-29 03:10:51 AM
They're animals. The scientist's very first instinct was to anthropomorphize the penguins: "When seen for the first time, the Adélie penguin gives you the impression of a very smart little man in an evening dress suit, so absolutely immaculate is he, with his shimmering white front and black back and shoulders."

Oh no! Now he's runing around humping everything! God save us all!

Bad scientist, bad.

In the frist grade I watched my friend's dachsund Rascal hump our basketball and jizz all over it. I decided then and there that animals were just animals. Never played witht hat ball again, either.
 
2013-10-29 03:14:30 AM

crispyone: Lachwen: SilentStrider: I see no mention of ravens.

A few years back, my parents climbed Mt. St. Helens.  My mom told me afterwards about the final leg of the ascent, a long slog up a bare, steep slope composed mostly of loose scree; and of the two ravens that followed them all the way up to the summit, flying up the slope ahead of them and then slowly gliding down again, always passing directly over my mom and dad and cawing loudly as they passed.  To this day, mom swears those ravens were mocking them.

Or perhaps their nest was nearby and they were merely keeping an eye on where your parents were headed? Or perhaps they had never seen humans before and were merely curious? Or perhaps your mother is a nut for thinking animals were mocking her?


If they were guarding a nest, they would have been displaying much more aggressive behavior, making short dives at my parents and the like, not gliding serenely past them every five minutes or so.  The corvids are the brightest of the birds, surpassing even parrots, demonstrating both tool-making ability and self-awareness.  That they may have the kind of relatively complex emotional capability for humor or mockery is hardly out of the realm of believability.
 
2013-10-29 03:15:27 AM
i.imgur.com
 
2013-10-29 03:19:59 AM

HotWingAgenda: I expected the link to have a video of a baby tortoise humping someone's boot. Or talk about how koalas are total assholes.


i.imgur.com

Koalas are total assholes
 
2013-10-29 03:22:47 AM

NicoFinn: They're animals. The scientist's very first instinct was to anthropomorphize the penguins: "When seen for the first time, the Adélie penguin gives you the impression of a very smart little man in an evening dress suit, so absolutely immaculate is he, with his shimmering white front and black back and shoulders."

Oh no! Now he's runing around humping everything! God save us all!

Bad scientist, bad.

In the frist grade I watched my friend's dachsund Rascal hump our basketball and jizz all over it. I decided then and there that animals were just animals. Never played witht hat ball again, either.


The problem is scientists trying to equate animal behavior with human behavior. Does an animal really understand rape?
 
2013-10-29 03:24:08 AM

Igor Jakovsky: HotWingAgenda: I expected the link to have a video of a baby tortoise humping someone's boot. Or talk about how koalas are total assholes.

[i.imgur.com image 300x157]

Koalas are total assholes


The one on the right needs to be holding a special forces dagger and be wearing the goggles Riddick wore in Pitch Black.
 
2013-10-29 03:24:22 AM
Amazingly, there's little morality in nature.   Impressing morality, which is a completely human invention, on the workings of nature will just lead you to having a bad time.
 
2013-10-29 03:26:30 AM

Igor Jakovsky: HotWingAgenda: I expected the link to have a video of a baby tortoise humping someone's boot. Or talk about how koalas are total assholes.

[i.imgur.com image 300x157]

Koalas are total assholes


So... not cutest infestation ever?
 
2013-10-29 03:33:02 AM

Lachwen: crispyone: Lachwen: SilentStrider: I see no mention of ravens.

A few years back, my parents climbed Mt. St. Helens.  My mom told me afterwards about the final leg of the ascent, a long slog up a bare, steep slope composed mostly of loose scree; and of the two ravens that followed them all the way up to the summit, flying up the slope ahead of them and then slowly gliding down again, always passing directly over my mom and dad and cawing loudly as they passed.  To this day, mom swears those ravens were mocking them.

Or perhaps their nest was nearby and they were merely keeping an eye on where your parents were headed? Or perhaps they had never seen humans before and were merely curious? Or perhaps your mother is a nut for thinking animals were mocking her?

If they were guarding a nest, they would have been displaying much more aggressive behavior, making short dives at my parents and the like, not gliding serenely past them every five minutes or so.  The corvids are the brightest of the birds, surpassing even parrots, demonstrating both tool-making ability and self-awareness.  That they may have the kind of relatively complex emotional capability for humor or mockery is hardly out of the realm of believability.


So these incredibly bright birds were spending valuable energy they could use in the pursuit of food mocking your mother? And I never said they were actively guarding their nest. I merely proposed that maybe their nest was nearby and they were watching out for potential threats. And how the hell do you know that they would have been displaying much more aggressive behavior?

My poorly made point is that, humans applying human emotions to animals is idiotic at best. Sorry but a pair of ravens was not mocking your mother.
 
2013-10-29 03:39:06 AM
Rabbits however remain awesome.
 
2013-10-29 03:45:24 AM

Lachwen: SilentStrider: I see no mention of ravens.

A few years back, my parents climbed Mt. St. Helens.  My mom told me afterwards about the final leg of the ascent, a long slog up a bare, steep slope composed mostly of loose scree; and of the two ravens that followed them all the way up to the summit, flying up the slope ahead of them and then slowly gliding down again, always passing directly over my mom and dad and cawing loudly as they passed.  To this day, mom swears those ravens were mocking them.


You should ever fly around someone you don't know, because what if they don't have wings? They'll think you're cocky. Look what I got! These things are useful! I'm gonna go glide around for a while.
 
2013-10-29 03:45:45 AM
The monkeys stand for honesty,
Giraffes are insincere,
And the elephants are kindly but
They're dumb.
Orangutans are skeptical
Of changes in their cages,
And the zookeeper is very fond of rum.
Zebras are reactionaries,
Antelopes are missionaries,
Pigeons plot in secrecy,
And hamsters turn on frequently.
What a gas! You gotta come and see
 
2013-10-29 03:46:44 AM

Summoner101: Amazingly, there's little morality in nature.   Impressing morality, which is a completely human invention, on the workings of nature will just lead you to having a bad time.


So, it's kinda like politics.
 
2013-10-29 03:51:34 AM
24.media.tumblr.com
 
2013-10-29 03:51:46 AM
Male sea otters humans compete with one another for mates. If a male can't find a mate because of his youth stench or inability to chase off competitors TotalFark subscription, Harris and co-authors suggest, he might search for a "female surrogate" that may take the form of a young otter Real Doll or, as in their study, seal pups a warm apple pie.
 
2013-10-29 03:57:32 AM

sendtodave: Summoner101: Amazingly, there's little morality in nature.   Impressing morality, which is a completely human invention, on the workings of nature will just lead you to having a bad time.

So, it's kinda like politics.


Exactly. That's why it's hilarious when Farkers try and defend their particular politician whether it's Ted Cruz or Obama. Neither of them have any morals.
 
2013-10-29 04:06:45 AM

crispyone: sendtodave: Summoner101: Amazingly, there's little morality in nature.   Impressing morality, which is a completely human invention, on the workings of nature will just lead you to having a bad time.

So, it's kinda like politics.

Exactly. That's why it's hilarious when Farkers try and defend their particular politician whether it's Ted Cruz or Obama. Neither of them have any morals.


But they look so darned cute! Almost human!
 
2013-10-29 04:16:25 AM

sendtodave: crispyone: sendtodave: Summoner101: Amazingly, there's little morality in nature.   Impressing morality, which is a completely human invention, on the workings of nature will just lead you to having a bad time.

So, it's kinda like politics.

Exactly. That's why it's hilarious when Farkers try and defend their particular politician whether it's Ted Cruz or Obama. Neither of them have any morals.

But they look so darned cute! Almost human!


That's the result of years of genetic mutations. If I look harmless they'll be more likely to believe my lies.
 
2013-10-29 04:17:12 AM

Lachwen: SilentStrider: I see no mention of ravens.

A few years back, my parents climbed Mt. St. Helens.  My mom told me afterwards about the final leg of the ascent, a long slog up a bare, steep slope composed mostly of loose scree; and of the two ravens that followed them all the way up to the summit, flying up the slope ahead of them and then slowly gliding down again, always passing directly over my mom and dad and cawing loudly as they passed.  To this day, mom swears those ravens were mocking them.


Ravens or crows? It's usually crows in these parts.
 
2013-10-29 04:21:14 AM

crispyone: So these incredibly bright birds were spending valuable energy they could use in the pursuit of food mocking your mother?


A supposedly-even-brighter human is spending valuable energy it could use in the pursuit of anything more worthwhile in mocking someone else on the internet, so why not? :)

And I never said they were actively guarding their nest. I merely proposed that maybe their nest was nearby and they were watching out for potential threats. And how the hell do you know that they would have been displaying much more aggressive behavior?

Because they are known to divebomb and drop stones on predators who venture close to their nests?

My poorly made point is that, humans applying human emotions to animals is idiotic at best. Sorry but a pair of ravens was not mocking your mother.

You'll notice I said that  my mother claims they were mocking her: so far I've only argued that this is possible, not that it was a fact.  However, I did find this intriguing snippet from the Behavior section of the Wikipedia page on ravens:

In recent years, biologists have recognized that birds engage in play. Juvenile Common Ravens are among the most playful of bird species. They have been observed to slide down snowbanks, apparently purely for fun. They even engage in games with other species, such as playing catch-me-if-you-can with wolves, otters and dogs.[95] Common Ravens are known for spectacular aerobatic displays, such as flying in loops or interlocking talons with each other in flight.[96][97]
They are also one of only a few wild animals who make their own toys. They have been observed breaking off twigs to play with socially.


You can go buy your own copy of Candace Savage's  Bird Brains: The Intelligence of Crows, Ravens, Magpies and Jays to verify the information.  But yes, it is absolutely plausible that those ravens were mocking/playing with my parents.
 
2013-10-29 04:23:43 AM

Medic Zero: Lachwen: SilentStrider: I see no mention of ravens.

A few years back, my parents climbed Mt. St. Helens.  My mom told me afterwards about the final leg of the ascent, a long slog up a bare, steep slope composed mostly of loose scree; and of the two ravens that followed them all the way up to the summit, flying up the slope ahead of them and then slowly gliding down again, always passing directly over my mom and dad and cawing loudly as they passed.  To this day, mom swears those ravens were mocking them.

Ravens or crows? It's usually crows in these parts.


Ravens.  Significantly larger than crows, and their vocalizations are very distinct: deeper and much more resonant, like a crow cawing into a large, empty wooden box.
 
2013-10-29 04:37:44 AM

hawcian: SilentStrider: I see no mention of ravens.

In hindsight, "raven jerks" was not the best search term I could have used on Google when looking for examples.


To many pics of Ray Lewis?
 
2013-10-29 04:46:43 AM
By human standards yes. But they are not human

They are biological machines that cannot break away from their programming
 
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