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(Daily Nonpareil)   "This Halloween, it's time to give Trick or Treaters healthier snacks, not candy," Someone wants their house egged and TPed   (nonpareilonline.com) divider line 119
    More: Fail, Halloween, microwave popcorn, snacks, Rice Krispies  
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2761 clicks; posted to Main » on 27 Oct 2013 at 3:17 PM (38 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



119 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2013-10-27 03:17:31 PM
I got a rock.
 
2013-10-27 03:19:25 PM
They even make fun of the "Dentist" on the block in that new Sprint Ad...
 
2013-10-27 03:19:42 PM
It seems that every year I buy candy, not a single damn kid comes.  And when I don't, then I get trick'o'treaters.  It's like the little bastards are just trying to fark with me.

Worse case scenario, I can give it away at work.  But still, it's the principle of it.
 
2013-10-27 03:20:05 PM
 
2013-10-27 03:20:37 PM
Sam's Club has little glow-in-the-dark bags of Cheetos, so that's what we're giving away this year.
 
2013-10-27 03:20:51 PM

farkingismybusiness: I got a rock.


Try giving out carrot sticks instead of Three Musketeers bars and youll get a rock, alright.
 
2013-10-27 03:20:56 PM
The dentist on our block handed out dental floss every year.

And every year we mercilessly tortured his kids.
 
2013-10-27 03:21:59 PM

Satanic_Hamster: It seems that every year I buy candy, not a single damn kid comes.  And when I don't, then I get trick'o'treaters.  It's like the little bastards are just trying to fark with me.

Worse case scenario, I can give it away at work.  But still, it's the principle of it.


One of the local malls is doing a candy buy-back program this year.  They give the candy to kids who couldn't go trick-or-treating (broken leg, chemo, in the hospital), you get a gift card for any of the stores in the mall, and you don't snarf down the candy yourself.  Pretty smart idea, if you ask me.
 
2013-10-27 03:22:16 PM
Give them Edibles, a bit more costy but it'll set them up for life.
 
2013-10-27 03:23:16 PM
How about letting the little bastards indulge for one day out of the year? You can make them graze on kale and broccoli the other 364 days; on Halloween I want to see them stuffing their faces with Smarties and fun-size Kit-Kats.
 
2013-10-27 03:23:41 PM
I only give out gluten-free, peanut-free, corn-free knives.
 
2013-10-27 03:23:44 PM
Go to Costco, buy a flat of Snickers, and hand out full-sized candy bars.
 
2013-10-27 03:24:11 PM
I can imagine the health nuts get traded a good round of ass wipes and eggs by the dozen

/if I wanted to eat healthy, I would have
//trick or treat, the rules are simple
 
2013-10-27 03:24:51 PM
I'm gonna give out appropriate Chick Tracts.
 
2013-10-27 03:29:09 PM
The Daily Nonpareil?
 
2013-10-27 03:31:22 PM
FTFA: Also, limit trick-or-treating to your own neighborhood, rather than driving your children to other parts of the city. If they want to go to a friend's house to trick-or-treat, limit it to that house and not the whole neighborhood.

Why do you hate your kids?
 
2013-10-27 03:34:27 PM
Stack of appropriate books is on the table next to the door.  Hobbit, LeGuin's Earthsea trilogy, Narnia, King, Bradbury, etc.
 
2013-10-27 03:36:07 PM
Oh for christ sake. Stuffing your face full of candy until you're sick one night a year isn't going to do you any harm at all.
 
2013-10-27 03:38:52 PM
I always give out Jack Chick comics.  That way, it takes until mid March before I have to buy toilet paper again.
 
2013-10-27 03:39:05 PM

Grumpy Cat: I only give out gluten-free, peanut-free, corn-free knives razor blades.


Nice, but would have been better with the correction.
 
2013-10-27 03:39:44 PM
Give 'em a bag of baby carrots, no ranch. They'll never bother you ever again!

/ or make a sign stating, "Razor Apples distributed here"
 
2013-10-27 03:40:02 PM

ArcadianRefugee: I'm gonna give out appropriate Chick Tracts.


There is only one solution for that level of ass-hattedness.

s-ak.buzzfed.com
 
2013-10-27 03:44:26 PM

To The Escape Zeppelin!: Oh for christ sake. Stuffing your face full of candy until you're sick one night a year isn't going to do you any harm at all.


except for the day after

/good times
//let the chil'ren be chil'ren!
 
2013-10-27 03:44:58 PM
Anything but candy corn, I don't know anyone that liked that stuff
 
2013-10-27 03:46:49 PM

WhoGAS: Yeah, they love that stuff.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/maycie/crest-gave-a-bunch-of-kids-healthy-fl av ored-halloween-candy


I want to provide free shuttle service from Detroit to wherever you live so the Devil's Night arsonists can burn down your house for posting a Buzzfeed link.
 
2013-10-27 03:46:53 PM
ArcadianRefugee,
I'm gonna give out appropriate Chick Tracts.


Chick Tracts need to be given out, with good candy bars, as a form of holiday hazing so the kids can enjoy the same experience.
 
2013-10-27 03:47:05 PM
give out porn, what could go wrong, everyone likes porn
 
2013-10-27 03:47:07 PM

DerAppie: FTFA: Also, limit trick-or-treating to your own neighborhood, rather than driving your children to other parts of the city. If they want to go to a friend's house to trick-or-treat, limit it to that house and not the whole neighborhood.

Why do you hate your kids?


No kidding. Back when I was 11 or so, two of my friends and I would scheme for weeks before Halloween about which neighborhoods to hit. We'd ride our bikes a few miles just to get to another area, particularly a rich suburb. The awesomeness of being free to ride around after dark in such a spooky atmosphere just gathering candy is unmatched in adulthood. I don't think coke off a strippers ass can come close to Halloween as a 10-12 year old kid.
 
2013-10-27 03:47:53 PM
I hand out my old copies of New Scientist.
 
2013-10-27 03:48:41 PM
"This Halloween, it's time to give Trick or Treaters healthier snacks, not candy," Someone wants their house egged and TPed


encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com

 "I thought all of them were actual goblins and witches."

midwaymadness.com
 
2013-10-27 03:49:20 PM

Science_Guy_3.14159: Anything but candy corn, I don't know anyone that liked that stuff


I've gone through three bags of the stuff in the last 2 weeks.

/don't look at me
//QUIT LOOKING AT ME!!!!!
 
2013-10-27 03:51:59 PM

farkingismybusiness: I got a rock.


came for this


/ i291.photobucket.com
 
2013-10-27 03:55:11 PM

taurusowner: DerAppie: FTFA: Also, limit trick-or-treating to your own neighborhood, rather than driving your children to other parts of the city. If they want to go to a friend's house to trick-or-treat, limit it to that house and not the whole neighborhood.

Why do you hate your kids?

No kidding. Back when I was 11 or so, two of my friends and I would scheme for weeks before Halloween about which neighborhoods to hit. We'd ride our bikes a few miles just to get to another area, particularly a rich suburb. The awesomeness of being free to ride around after dark in such a spooky atmosphere just gathering candy is unmatched in adulthood. I don't think coke off a strippers ass can come close to Halloween as a 10-12 year old kid.


Exactly. Holidays will never be as cool as they were when you were a kid. Kids eating themselves sick in chocolate is no excuse to cut them off from those experiences.
 
2013-10-27 03:57:33 PM

Science_Guy_3.14159: Anything but candy corn, I don't know anyone that liked that stuff


Candy corn sucks major balls. My wife and kids love that stuff. Definitely bottom-of-the-barrel fare.

stoplikingwhatidontlike.jpg

Halloween was farking awesome when I was a kid. We went all-out on the costumes each year. Once my mom lathered me up in green eye shadow (plentiful in our neck of the woods) and I went as the Hulk, roaring and growling to the point that I was hoarse for days.

Any house giving out full-sized candy bars was automatically exempt from any damage. You hand out candy corns however, and you'd better watch your ass.
 
2013-10-27 04:02:08 PM

Luse: Grumpy Cat: I only give out gluten-free, peanut-free, corn-free knives razor blades.

Nice, but would have been better with the correction.


Thanks for your correction, but I give knives.
 
2013-10-27 04:02:50 PM
Keep a scale and measuring tape by the door and calculate every kid's BMI to decide whether they get a Milky Way or celery.  Maybe if Boytits does an hour on the rowing machine he can upgrade to sugar-free Necco wafers.
 
2013-10-27 04:04:53 PM
There must have been some kind of zoning law in my little Northeast Ohio town that every subdivision had to have at least one dentist or doctor that handed out toothbrushes, raisins, apples, etc; at least one old person that gave out shiny new nickles and dimes; at least one lazy person that just left out a big bowl of hershey kisses and jolly ranchers (that you just dumped right into the pillowcase that you were using for your haul); and at least one weird person that handed out pencils and/or wax lips.  Good times.
 
2013-10-27 04:07:13 PM
FTFA:

When your children go out to trick-or-treat, give them small bags to collect the treats in, Reeder said.


F*ck you, Reeder......I hope Jason and Michael Myers give you a rapey three way.
 
2013-10-27 04:09:09 PM
I love it how granola bars were listed as a decent alternative, even though they are worse for teeth than many kinds of candy.
 
2013-10-27 04:12:34 PM
Better idea: let them eat whatever the hell they want on Halloween, and worry about the other 364 days of the year.
 
2013-10-27 04:12:36 PM

Science_Guy_3.14159: Anything but candy corn, I don't know anyone that liked that stuff


You can just shut up.

/i don't choose to love what i love
 
2013-10-27 04:13:42 PM

Satanic_Hamster: It seems that every year I buy candy, not a single damn kid comes.  And when I don't, then I get trick'o'treaters.  It's like the little bastards are just trying to fark with me.

Worse case scenario, I can give it away at work.  But still, it's the principle of it.


Ditto.
 
2013-10-27 04:15:17 PM
I'm going to give copies of the thread about making prison wine we had the other day with bags of yeast.
That and thermite recipes.
 
2013-10-27 04:15:18 PM

verbaltoxin: Go to Costco, buy a flat of Snickers, and hand out full-sized candy bars.


My wife and I did that, except at Sams Club. We also bought fun sized ones, in case we run out.
 
2013-10-27 04:18:11 PM
Where do flavored condoms fall on the healthy snack list?  I mean, they're low calorie, they don't stick to your teeth and they're made from all natural plant products.
 
2013-10-27 04:21:38 PM

Precision Boobery: Keep a scale and measuring tape by the door and calculate every kid's BMI to decide whether they get a Milky Way or celery.  Maybe if Boytits does an hour on the rowing machine he can upgrade to sugar-free Necco wafers.


you must be short on toilet paper.
 
2013-10-27 04:22:13 PM
I'm still bummed that I didn't get to try candy corn oreos last year :(
 
2013-10-27 04:22:24 PM

MrHappyRotter: Where do flavored condoms fall on the healthy snack list?  I mean, they're low calorie, they don't stick to your teeth and they're made from all natural plant products.


In between edible underwear and chocolate body paint.
 
2013-10-27 04:22:30 PM
An apple is not candy!
Granola bars are not candy!
Pretzels are not candy!

userserve-ak.last.fm

/juggy jigga wugga
 
2013-10-27 04:22:35 PM
Fine then. I"ll give these instead

i1216.photobucket.com
 
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