Do you have adblock enabled?
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(The Stranger)   Gluten-free Phantom Sh*tter strikes Seattle   (thestranger.com) divider line 57
    More: Scary, Seattle, SPD  
•       •       •

7744 clicks; posted to Main » on 24 Oct 2013 at 1:58 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



57 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

First | « | 1 | 2 | » | Last | Show all
 
2013-10-24 12:24:48 AM  
That was a remarkably interesting story about shiat.
 
2013-10-24 01:29:35 AM  
www.stfimages.com

"But if I catch either one of you shiatting in some vital area on my ship, I will have you *keelhauled*! And that's *serious* on an aircraft carrier!"

/shouldn't be obscure
//first thing I thought of
 
433 [TotalFark]
2013-10-24 01:33:17 AM  
ftfa: "See compl about witnessing wife of susp defecating on side walk/driveway. Susp became confrontational when compl reported it to him. Susps left area in unk direction."

i.chzbgr.com
 
2013-10-24 02:09:00 AM  
The real moral of the story is this guy is holding onto human excrement and trying to claim that the woman who left it for him is the weird one.
 
2013-10-24 02:11:12 AM  
If ignored while yelling at the dude, I might've gotten pissed off enough to simple grab the shiat barehanded and heave it at the car.  I can either wash my hand, or wipe it on the guy when he got out to confront me about it.

Or just shot her with my cellphone camera...
 
2013-10-24 02:20:01 AM  
This is a case for Phoenix Jones.
 
2013-10-24 02:20:27 AM  
Turd burglar.
 
2013-10-24 02:24:31 AM  
 
2013-10-24 02:28:52 AM  
That's an awful lot of ink for a single turd.  Some hard-hitting journalists in Seattle.
 
2013-10-24 02:31:09 AM  
Ok, one of the comments on that story refers to "the poopetrators" and that's gotta be the best word ever. I just wanted to share it.
 
2013-10-24 02:32:38 AM  

bluorangefyre: [www.stfimages.com image 640x272]

"But if I catch either one of you shiatting in some vital area on my ship, I will have you *keelhauled*! And that's *serious* on an aircraft carrier!"

/shouldn't be obscure
//first thing I thought of

Flight of the Intruder

is still one of my favorite movies. The "phantom shiatter" scene in the book was even more hilarious, though.
 
2013-10-24 02:33:42 AM  
Finding her-finding anyone willing to run some free tests to determine this sample's origins-was harder than a three-week-old frozen turd. I met her on the internet.

Because where else could you find a... a... what do you call a shiat scientist? Fecologist? Coprologist? Politician?
 
2013-10-24 02:34:38 AM  

The My Little Pony Killer: The real moral of the story is this guy is holding onto human excrement and trying to claim that the woman who left it for him is the weird one.


He threw it away. The writer of the story asked him to retrieve it for him.
 
2013-10-24 02:38:45 AM  
Years ago I was at my girlfriends apartment, and she was in the shower, and i didnt have time to run down the stairs, hail a cab, and go off in search of a shiatter.  We had only been seeing each other for a month or so and I did not want to force her "love the gas" while she was in the shower.

So I dropped an epic log in a plastic grocery bag and dropped it into the garbage chute.
 
2013-10-24 02:48:42 AM  
Yeah. Two people robbed at gun point this summer on my block in the U-District. Another stabbed  TO DEATH two blocks away. I don't give a shiat about phantom shiatters, Stranger. You usually do better with SPD. Let it go.
 
2013-10-24 02:48:45 AM  
At the ER where I work, there are several frequent fliers who are infamous for shutting the curtain to their room, then crapping on the floor. When I asked one of them why when there was a perfectly good bathroom ten feet away, he said "once you try it, you'll need to back. It's very liberating."

He was actively psychotic and addicted to meth, but maybe he was on to something.
 
2013-10-24 02:49:45 AM  

theflatline: Years ago I was at my girlfriends apartment, and she was in the shower, and i didnt have time to run down the stairs, hail a cab, and go off in search of a shiatter.  We had only been seeing each other for a month or so and I did not want to force her "love the gas" while she was in the shower.

So I dropped an epic log in a plastic grocery bag and dropped it into the garbage chute.


We all have a personal poop story, and yours was awesome.
 
2013-10-24 02:50:12 AM  
I worked in a Borders back in the late 90's. For a few months, we would find shiat smeared on the walls, sinks, door handles, toilet seats, and light switches of the men's bathroom, also sculptures in the middle of the floor in front of the sinks. Went on for awhile until we finally caught the guy squatting over the floor dropping a deuce. Late 50's, early 60's, expensive suit and shoes. He was chased out to his classic BMW and it never happened again. As this was around the time that The Phantom Menace came out, we came to call the suspect(both before and after we caught him) the Phantom shiatter.

Good times.
 
2013-10-24 03:14:45 AM  
I know the type . . . I see the men walking in my neighborhood with their wives, and they don't carry plastic bags. Makes me sick.

But seriously, was pretty funny he was more mad at the husband not picking up after the woman than he was at the woman. I think we've reached the pinnacle of the women's movement: Our automatic thought now is that if a woman shiats in public, it's her husband's responsibility to pick it up, and of course, the woman was in the driver's seat.
 
2013-10-24 03:28:37 AM  

theflatline: Nothing beats how this lady taking a dump in a super market.  She does it with class.


robohobo: I worked in a Borders back in the late 90's. For a few months, we would find shiat smeared on the walls, sinks, door handles, toilet seats, and light switches of the men's bathroom, also sculptures in the middle of the floor in front of the sinks. Went on for awhile until we finally caught the guy squatting over the floor dropping a deuce. Late 50's, early 60's, expensive suit and shoes. He was chased out to his classic BMW and it never happened again. As this was around the time that The Phantom Menace came out, we came to call the suspect(both before and after we caught him) the Phantom shiatter.

Good times.


I'm pretty sure this is a game to wealthy people who have nothing left to amuse them.  It seems to happen a lot.
 
2013-10-24 03:55:52 AM  

Paris1127: Finding her-finding anyone willing to run some free tests to determine this sample's origins-was harder than a three-week-old frozen turd. I met her on the internet.

Because where else could you find a... a... what do you call a shiat scientist? Fecologist? Coprologist? Politician?


I think "coprologist" might be more suitable for a studier of fossilized poop. Mayhaps a "shiat doc?"
 
2013-10-24 04:12:08 AM  
I didn't get past the first three paragraphs of word masturbation.
 
2013-10-24 04:20:02 AM  
swingerofbirches:  I think we've reached the pinnacle of the women's movement: Our automatic thought now is that if a woman shiats in public, it's her husband's responsibility to pick it up, and of course, the woman was in the driver's seat.

Yeah... no.
 
2013-10-24 04:30:29 AM  

autopsybeverage: Paris1127: Finding her-finding anyone willing to run some free tests to determine this sample's origins-was harder than a three-week-old frozen turd. I met her on the internet.

Because where else could you find a... a... what do you call a shiat scientist? Fecologist? Coprologist? Politician?

I think "coprologist" might be more suitable for a studier of fossilized poop. Mayhaps a "shiat doc?"


Pooper snooper?
 
2013-10-24 04:36:32 AM  
Basically, stay away from Seattle. Nothing but bums, hipsters, and phantom shiatters.
 
2013-10-24 04:39:49 AM  

Bathysphere: theflatline: Years ago I was at my girlfriends apartment, and she was in the shower, and i didnt have time to run down the stairs, hail a cab, and go off in search of a shiatter.  We had only been seeing each other for a month or so and I did not want to force her "love the gas" while she was in the shower.

So I dropped an epic log in a plastic grocery bag and dropped it into the garbage chute.

We all have a personal poop story, and yours was awesome.


Teresa Stresser's bris-poop story on her blog always makes me giggle.

"Never have I indicated in any way to husband, up until this moment, that anything noxious ever comes out of my ass, but now I'm farked.

"Baby," I yell, sheepishly, "I have a problem." That's when my husband rushes to the bathroom door. I start sobbing because I'm freaked out and exhausted and I don't want this magical Jewish ritual to be marred by the smell of feces wafting through the house, my feces, and I certainly don't want my husband seeing, smelling or experiencing my waste in any way, but I'm out of options. I scrub my hands like I can cleanse myself of this whole situation.

He hands me the baby, and runs to the garage for some sort of drain "snake." I try to place my thoughts elsewhere, so that I can easily delete this memory in the future. I bounce the boy and look out the window at Koreatown.

There is some running back and forth from the garage to the front door, to the bathroom in back. I hear him call the plumber, who can't make it until tomorrow. He calls the hardware store to see if they have a larger snake; they do not. I bounce the boy and watch the clock. Fifteen minutes to go.

It is at this moment that I glance outside the window again and see my husband running gingerly along the side of the house holding a bag of shiat.

It takes my mind a moment to register the image (again, drugs, lack of sleep, major surgery, sudden life-changing transition to motherhood, heavy emotional family issues about to be addressed, impending removal of my baby's foreskin).

There it is. My husband walk-running around the side of the house carrying - as one might a goldfish won from a county fair - a bag of toilet water and the offending, drain-clogging crap that he had somehow liberated from the bowel.

Nothing says your life has crossed over like seeing your husband carry a bag of your shiat."
 
2013-10-24 06:32:59 AM  
It was the principal. I've read the yearbook.
 
2013-10-24 06:35:30 AM  

Bathysphere: theflatline: Years ago I was at my girlfriends apartment, and she was in the shower, and i didnt have time to run down the stairs, hail a cab, and go off in search of a shiatter.  We had only been seeing each other for a month or so and I did not want to force her "love the gas" while she was in the shower.

So I dropped an epic log in a plastic grocery bag and dropped it into the garbage chute.

We all have a personal poop story, and yours was awesome.


Mine is nowhere near as funny, but I don't think it's too bad.  Okinawa, platoon individual run one day after a platoon party where we all ate taco rice, wings, pizza, and sucked down enough saki and beer to do anyone to shame.  Now, you must understand that Okinawa is considered tropical rainforest, single canopy anyway.  This is where the Marine Corps has it's Jungle Warfare Training Center.  By 0500 it's already 80+degrees with just thick, visible humidity.  The entire, 8 mile run, every two minutes, some Marine is dashing for a patch of woods, an alley, some Oki's back yard, anywhere he can get 20 seconds of privacy to drop his shorts and spray half a gallon of liquid shiat all over.  Dudes are running with splatter on their legs.  Some guys had stashed toilet paper in their sock, but most had to use leaves.  Most miserable run I ever did.  Almost every run, you always had at least one Marine have to drop out to relieve himself.  I mean, PT is early in the morning, its a natural thing to want to empty the bowel from the night before... But this... this was something I'll never forget.  Okinawa has some nasty stinks to it, but that course around Camp Hansen and out to Kin Red was quite possibly the worst.
 
2013-10-24 06:56:50 AM  

www.rankopedia.com


No gluten but I see a lot of newspaper and wolf hair.

 
2013-10-24 07:02:58 AM  
It had to be awkward for the guy eating the Ben And Jerry's after seeing that. Especially if it was rocky road or fudge flavor. With peanuts? Fuggedaboutit!
 
2013-10-24 07:08:42 AM  

devildog123: Bathysphere: theflatline: Years ago I was at my girlfriends apartment, and she was in the shower, and i didnt have time to run down the stairs, hail a cab, and go off in search of a shiatter.  We had only been seeing each other for a month or so and I did not want to force her "love the gas" while she was in the shower.

So I dropped an epic log in a plastic grocery bag and dropped it into the garbage chute.

We all have a personal poop story, and yours was awesome.

Mine is nowhere near as funny, but I don't think it's too bad.  Okinawa, platoon individual run one day after a platoon party where we all ate taco rice, wings, pizza, and sucked down enough saki and beer to do anyone to shame.  Now, you must understand that Okinawa is considered tropical rainforest, single canopy anyway.  This is where the Marine Corps has it's Jungle Warfare Training Center.  By 0500 it's already 80+degrees with just thick, visible humidity.  The entire, 8 mile run, every two minutes, some Marine is dashing for a patch of woods, an alley, some Oki's back yard, anywhere he can get 20 seconds of privacy to drop his shorts and spray half a gallon of liquid shiat all over.  Dudes are running with splatter on their legs.  Some guys had stashed toilet paper in their sock, but most had to use leaves.  Most miserable run I ever did.  Almost every run, you always had at least one Marine have to drop out to relieve himself.  I mean, PT is early in the morning, its a natural thing to want to empty the bowel from the night before... But this... this was something I'll never forget.  Okinawa has some nasty stinks to it, but that course around Camp Hansen and out to Kin Red was quite possibly the worst.


And nobody figured out to take a shiat BEFORE going running in the jungle?
 
2013-10-24 07:31:09 AM  
Why did I read this?

.
 
2013-10-24 07:45:47 AM  

SDRR: Mine is nowhere near as funny, but I don't think it's too bad. Okinawa, platoon individual run one day after a platoon party where we all ate taco rice, wings, pizza, and sucked down enough saki and beer to do anyone to shame. Now, you must understand that Okinawa is considered tropical rainforest, single canopy anyway. This is where the Marine Corps has it's Jungle Warfare Training Center. By 0500 it's already 80+degrees with just thick, visible humidity. The entire, 8 mile run, every two minutes, some Marine is dashing for a patch of woods, an alley, some Oki's back yard, anywhere he can get 20 seconds of privacy to drop his shorts and spray half a gallon of liquid shiat all over. Dudes are running with splatter on their legs. Some guys had stashed toilet paper in their sock, but most had to use leaves. Most miserable run I ever did. Almost every run, you always had at least one Marine have to drop out to relieve himself. I mean, PT is early in the morning, its a natural thing to want to empty the bowel from the night before... But this... this was something I'll never forget. Okinawa has some nasty stinks to it, but that course around Camp Hansen and out to Kin Red was quite possibly the worst.

And nobody figured out to take a shiat BEFORE going running in the jungle?


More importantly, what the HELL is "taco rice"?
 
2013-10-24 07:55:13 AM  
The complaintant should have taken the bull by the horns, so to speak, and once he had the depositor's address, just thrown it into their yard or onto their porch so they would have had to clean it up.  Problem solved.
 
2013-10-24 08:00:07 AM  

baka-san:

And nobody figured out to take a shiat BEFORE going running in the jungle?

More importantly, what the HELL is "taco rice"?

Quite possibly the greatest contribution to world cuisine Okinawa has produced.

 
2013-10-24 08:09:06 AM  
I'm supposed to believe that a 35 year old programmer taking a smoke break didn't have his phone with him? He couldn't take some pictures?
 
2013-10-24 08:12:27 AM  
when i was in high school our toilet got backed up and clogged and would not flush.  so of course late that night i had to take a crap, so i snuck out into the backyard and crapped in a plastic bag and tossed it into the woods in the back of our property (we lived out in the country).

the next morning one of our dogs found it and dragged it back to the house.
 
2013-10-24 09:04:09 AM  
"human turds are about 75 percent water; the rest is made up of dead and live bacteria, indigestible foodstuffs like seeds and plant cellulose, fats, bile, dead red blood cells (which give turds their hue), and intestinal mucus"

I love it when Bill Nye talks science!
 
2013-10-24 09:07:25 AM  
While working construction at a multi-million dollar new house on a golf course where the builder was too cheap to provide a portajohn, I was forced to drop one in a grocery bag. I then went outside to throw it into the woods but my trajectory was a little high and it got stuck in the branches right by the driveway about 15 feet off the ground. The bag was pretty much clear too. I didn't feel bad.
 
2013-10-24 09:08:35 AM  

QuesoDelicioso: I'm supposed to believe that a 35 year old programmer taking a smoke break didn't have his phone with him? He couldn't take some pictures?


Yeah, this whole thing smells funny.

I'm guessing he planted the evidence himself and blamed the lady, in some sort of false-flag operation.  Well, false turd operation I guess.
 
2013-10-24 09:57:21 AM  

deschinc: While working construction at a multi-million dollar new house on a golf course where the builder was too cheap to provide a portajohn, I was forced to drop one in a grocery bag. I then went outside to throw it into the woods but my trajectory was a little high and it got stuck in the branches right by the driveway about 15 feet off the ground. The bag was pretty much clear too. I didn't feel bad.


`Take that, you 1% bastards!'

Thanks, man! Your story made me smile.
 
2013-10-24 10:04:16 AM  
I'd rather deal with a single deuce on the side walk than what my family and I experienced on one vacation near Hickory Run, PA.

We went to a park by a swimming lake that had really been upgraded and was well maintained, however a horde of trashy people had taken over the place and unleashed a shiat tsunami.

I'm talking diapers thrown everywhere, despite lots of trash cans. shiat smeared all over the bathrooms, on the farking ceiling, diarrhea on the floor, on all the handles, and someone had taken a deuce on the changing table and the sink.

We got out of there so fast and have never been back since.

/Wasn't Hickory Run State Park
//The person how cleaned up after them should get a medal
 
2013-10-24 10:14:20 AM  
Cow DNA?

Smells like bullshiat.
 
2013-10-24 10:52:11 AM  
How about a "NSFW" next time?
Some of those ads were really pushing the limits.
 
2013-10-24 11:38:45 AM  
Mad poopah!

/my mom calls him the Butt-ler
 
2013-10-24 12:01:39 PM  

Eshy: The My Little Pony Killer: The real moral of the story is this guy is holding onto human excrement and trying to claim that the woman who left it for him is the weird one.

He threw it away. The writer of the story asked him to retrieve it for him.


Which he did, and he is still trying to call the pooper the weirdo. A normal person would have told the Stranger writer to dig the shiat out the trash themselves.
 
2013-10-24 12:06:00 PM  

The Pope of Manwich Village: Turd burglar.


No, no, no ... Turd Wrangler
 
2013-10-24 12:24:39 PM  
Had an E-6 get found taking an intentional shiatscapade in a competing unit's day room during PT. They'd come back and find it shiattified, and finally caught him doing it one day.

I'd have loved to sit in on his article 15.
 
2013-10-24 01:11:27 PM  
Ah, another one in the Watfington column.

I really do enjoy living in the great NW.

/did you notice all of my comments in the forums?
//loves me some Stranger
/// loves me The Stranger also
 
2013-10-24 01:53:40 PM  

devildog123: Bathysphere: theflatline: Years ago I was at my girlfriends apartment, and she was in the shower, and i didnt have time to run down the stairs, hail a cab, and go off in search of a shiatter.  We had only been seeing each other for a month or so and I did not want to force her "love the gas" while she was in the shower.

So I dropped an epic log in a plastic grocery bag and dropped it into the garbage chute.

We all have a personal poop story, and yours was awesome.

Mine is nowhere near as funny, but I don't think it's too bad.  Okinawa, platoon individual run one day after a platoon party where we all ate taco rice, wings, pizza, and sucked down enough saki and beer to do anyone to shame.  Now, you must understand that Okinawa is considered tropical rainforest, single canopy anyway.  This is where the Marine Corps has it's Jungle Warfare Training Center.  By 0500 it's already 80+degrees with just thick, visible humidity.  The entire, 8 mile run, every two minutes, some Marine is dashing for a patch of woods, an alley, some Oki's back yard, anywhere he can get 20 seconds of privacy to drop his shorts and spray half a gallon of liquid shiat all over.  Dudes are running with splatter on their legs.  Some guys had stashed toilet paper in their sock, but most had to use leaves.  Most miserable run I ever did.  Almost every run, you always had at least one Marine have to drop out to relieve himself.  I mean, PT is early in the morning, its a natural thing to want to empty the bowel from the night before... But this... this was something I'll never forget.  Okinawa has some nasty stinks to it, but that course around Camp Hansen and out to Kin Red was quite possibly the worst.


Ah, Camp Hansen. That brings back some memories.

0811, Oki, 83-84.

Nacc: Had an E-6 get found taking an intentional shiatscapade in a competing unit's day room during PT. They'd come back and find it shiattified, and finally caught him doing it one day.

I'd have loved to sit in on his article 15.


NJP's are always a hoot.
 
Displayed 50 of 57 comments

First | « | 1 | 2 | » | Last | Show all

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


This thread is closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »
Advertisement
On Twitter





In Other Media


  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.

Report