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(SlashFilm)   Paramount upset because apparently Darren Aronofsky didn't exactly stick to the Bible story for his upcoming Russell Crowe movie "Noah"   (slashfilm.com) divider line 89
    More: Obvious, Russell Crowe, Darren Aronofsky, Bibles, 2013 and beyond in film, Rob Moore, New Regency, epic film, Sunday School  
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2491 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 17 Oct 2013 at 5:59 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-10-16 11:42:35 PM  
So while there may be some hope to change the third act, to make it easier or nicer

C'mon, God murders virtually the planet's entire population; it's the ultimate feel-good story!
 
2013-10-16 11:59:58 PM  
One version of a made-up story is as good as another, so I don't get the problem. Disney did it with Cinderella and Snow White because the Brothers Grimm versions were too dark, so why shouldn't Paramount?
 
2013-10-17 12:21:49 AM  

MrBallou: One version of a made-up story is as good as another, so I don't get the problem. Disney did it with Cinderella and Snow White because the Brothers Grimm versions were too dark, so why shouldn't Paramount?


People believe in it with all their heart.

Like Communist diehards, they won't ever change their mind no matter how many times they are proven to be wrong.

Noah's ark is an important story for the Jews/Christians/Muslims. They might see this as blaspheme. They see a story about God being turned into a story about the environmentalist movement.
 
2013-10-17 12:28:19 AM  
I find it hard to believe even the most dimwitted Paramount suit would somehow think a Darren Aronofsky film would bring in the faith-based masses.
 
2013-10-17 12:42:53 AM  
I am very interested in this movie. Want to see how they do the animals on the ark.
 
2013-10-17 12:46:57 AM  
Let me guess.... they didn't let the dinosaurs on the Ark, right?
www.2think.org
 
2013-10-17 12:48:08 AM  

DamnYankees: I am very interested in this movie. Want to see how they do the animals on the ark.


5 posts in and we already have a bestiality comment in a religious thread.  Way to go Fark!
 
2013-10-17 01:17:57 AM  
Well they're going to have to change something; because, as it is, the whole story is a ridiculous steaming heap of horse shiat.

Battlefield Earth practically looks like a National Geographic documentary compared to the Noah story.
 
2013-10-17 02:01:04 AM  

fusillade762: So while there may be some hope to change the third act, to make it easier or nicer

C'mon, God murders virtually the planet's entire population; it's the ultimate feel-good story!


Fun for the whole family. I don't understand how Disney passed on this project.
 
2013-10-17 02:15:13 AM  
He's fightin' round the world!
 
2013-10-17 02:21:37 AM  
 
2013-10-17 06:17:46 AM  
As soon as the conservative media gets wind of this, we'll be hearing how it's some big-budget Hollywood assault on Christian values, with Noah having gay butt-sex with animals, etc.

Which, given that it's Aronofsky, it actually may well be.
 
2013-10-17 06:21:12 AM  

Confabulat: I find it hard to believe even the most dimwitted Paramount suit would somehow think a Darren Aronofsky film would bring in the faith-based masses.


They were probably expecting Passion of the Christ. Violence is a-ok even against that hippie Jesus as long as God can collect 'em all.
 
2013-10-17 06:34:47 AM  
Noah as an environmentalist? lol, hollywood libstablishment. forgive me if I'm smug, but haven't you heard that god would never let humans destroy the environment, and thus we have no reason to act in stewardship of it?

/a fracking in every garage backyard
 
mhd
2013-10-17 06:46:19 AM  
How do you make a non-biblical version in the first place? It's not like there's a large enough kernel of truth in the story. Jesus. Moses. No problem, but Noah?
 
2013-10-17 06:52:07 AM  
Translation of headline:  "We have a Lone Ranger-level debacle on our hands, but with the stars and talent involved, we can't DTV it.  So, we have to blame somebody....."
 
2013-10-17 07:03:53 AM  
The problem with the biblical version of Noah's Ark is that it's a really stupid story. Well, goes for pretty much anything out of Hollywood.

real_headhoncho: Let me guess.... they didn't let the dinosaurs on the Ark, right?
[www.2think.org image 469x374]


I got kicked out of Sunday school for asking questions about that. Also:

i560.photobucket.com
 
2013-10-17 07:09:40 AM  
What's interesting about the story of Noah is how child-like and simplistic it is. There is no way that story could possibly occur given the physical and natural laws that we have ever encountered. Yet to this day, people believe it is real.

That says a lot about our species, I think.
 
2013-10-17 07:13:10 AM  
There's some room for an environmentalist interpretation of Noah. Genesis 6:11 speaks of "all the Earth" being "corrupt" or "ruined" (it depends on the translation), and "filled with violence," and that this was a large part of why God came to consider humanity a mistake. It doesn't really go much into exactly how, but it's not much of a stretch to argue that if the Earth itself had somehow been ruined, that must signal some sort of anthropogenic ecological issue.
 
2013-10-17 07:16:56 AM  

Confabulat: What's interesting about the story of Noah is how child-like and simplistic it is. There is no way that story could possibly occur given the physical and natural laws that we have ever encountered. Yet to this day, people believe it is real.

That says a lot about our species, I think.


It fails on a moral level too. Your god destroys all of humanity except for a couple of families, and you still think he's a loving god worth worshipping?
 
2013-10-17 07:19:53 AM  

Tyrone Slothrop: It fails on a moral level too. Your god destroys all of humanity except for a couple of families, and you still think he's a loving god worth worshipping?


That's why the Judeo-Christian god never clicked with me. I was open-minded when I was young and I could have bought into all kinds of nonsense, but I read the Bible and that guy just made me feel dirty. Even if that farkwad is real, I'm a better man than he is.
 
2013-10-17 07:26:43 AM  
Explosions and a final boss fight make any movie better.
 
2013-10-17 07:33:20 AM  
When I was a child, I decided that the Noah story was an allegory. I mean, dinosaurs had ruled the Earth for millions of years- obviously some of them must have been intelligent. And if they were intelligent, they must have had technology. That could include nuclear weapons. Therefore, Noah was a dinosaur and the "ark" was the bunker he used to survive the nuclear winter.

It made as much sense as anything else.
 
2013-10-17 07:38:18 AM  
from a purely marketing stand point, this will do nothing but piss off the kind of people who will go to a movie theater to watch a bible story.

those people really aren't interested in one of them thar liebral hollywood director deciding he needs  to improve on the source material.

Not being christian I don't have a horse in the race, but I've been on fark long enough to know what the follow up will be.
 
2013-10-17 07:55:03 AM  

t3knomanser: When I was a child, I decided that the Noah story was an allegory. I mean, dinosaurs had ruled the Earth for millions of years- obviously some of them must have been intelligent. And if they were intelligent, they must have had technology. That could include nuclear weapons. Therefore, Noah was a dinosaur and the "ark" was the bunker he used to survive the nuclear winter.

It made as much sense as anything else.


So in your version of events, you are telling the story from the movie "Blast From the Past", except you are replacing the human cast with the puppets from "Dinosaurs"? Well, I think you've managed to do three things. Make the Noah story better, make Blast From the Past funnier, and make Dinosaurs watchable.
 
2013-10-17 08:09:19 AM  

Confabulat: What's interesting about the story of Noah is how child-like and simplistic it is. There is no way that story could possibly occur given the physical and natural laws that we have ever encountered. Yet to this day, people believe it is real.

That says a lot about our species, I think.


The Ark was a Tardis. Noah was the 1st Doctor. Duh.
 
2013-10-17 08:14:07 AM  
Didn't Noah get it on with his daughters?
 
mhd
2013-10-17 08:15:50 AM  

there their theyre: Didn't Noah get it on with his daughters?


That was Lot. Noah was the "Hah, I see your peener" guy.
 
2013-10-17 08:29:36 AM  

Summer Glau's Love Slave: Explosions and a final boss fight make any movie better.


Noah's going to ride a mastodon into battle against a T-Rex ridden by one of the sons of Cain, vanquishing the dinosaurs forever. The final shot will be of a stubby little T-Rex arm waving and twitching about before failing, lifeless.
 
2013-10-17 08:33:18 AM  
I have it on authority that Noah was a drunk
i46.photobucket.com
 
2013-10-17 08:37:29 AM  
Did they assume "ass to ass" meant the two donkeys on the ship?
 
2013-10-17 08:41:07 AM  

there their theyre: Didn't Noah get it on with his daughters?


Noah was the alcoholic who got drunk and passed out naked. Then he flew off the handle and chastised his sons for seeing his nakedness. But of course he was morally upright so that's why God spared only he and his family.
 
2013-10-17 08:49:41 AM  

Tyrone Slothrop: Confabulat: What's interesting about the story of Noah is how child-like and simplistic it is. There is no way that story could possibly occur given the physical and natural laws that we have ever encountered. Yet to this day, people believe it is real.

That says a lot about our species, I think.

It fails on a moral level too. Your god destroys all of humanity except for a couple of families, and you still think he's a loving god worth worshipping?


You have to take the book as a total.  A young god starts creating stuff and gets into all types of trouble.  Having to reboot and rework his plans as he continues to screw up.  One day he finds out in a drunk'n debouched night he sired a son.... and after that everything changed.  It is a story on how having kids really mellows you out, no matter how much you want to kill them.
 
2013-10-17 09:05:56 AM  
When I was 8 I realized it was all bs. There's adults out there dumber than 8 year old me. And I was a really stupid kid...
 
2013-10-17 09:08:26 AM  

mhd: How do you make a non-biblical version in the first place?


Do it about the Mediterranean overflowing through the Bosphorus, destroying the small village where Noah lives. Frame it in context of the stories he tells his children to calm them and lessen the impact of the tragedy for them. The neighbor's kids are assholes, so the flooding is punishment for their wickedness. They need to cross a stream that has grown to a raging river, and they can only fit some of their herd on the boat so they fit two of every animal they are leading along; two sheep, two goats. They find a beautiful unsettled valley, and take root there as the reward for their trials and tribulations, building their homestead out of the wilderness.
 
2013-10-17 09:10:26 AM  

machoprogrammer: When I was 8 I realized it was all bs. There's adults out there dumber than 8 year old me. And I was a really stupid kid...


I will never forget my first day at Sunday School. (Oh how I didn't want to go!)

But my first day, I remember sitting there all morning quietly giggling at the silly man's fairy tales, and how seriously he took them. I was nearly bursting out laughing and I could NOT wait until lunchtime so I could meet up with some of my friends from elementary school and laugh and laugh at this guy.

Then I got to lunch and sat down still giddy and ready for some serious pre-teen mockery, and then I noticed what my friends were saying. They BELIEVED what the crazy dude had been telling them for hours, about magic God and Jesus and fairies or whatever.

It shook me to my very core. I learned that day how to be quiet.
 
mhd
2013-10-17 09:25:09 AM  

baufan2005: Then he flew off the handle and chastised his sons for seeing his nakedness.


One of them, the other didn't go "Haha", but walked into his tent backwards and covered him.
And not just chastise, but cursed. Which lead to the awesome name of the "Curse of Ham".

/and don't even start with the theological and linguistic interpretations of what "saw him naked" really meant
 
2013-10-17 09:29:26 AM  
how long did it take Noah to build the ark in the bible?
 
2013-10-17 09:30:38 AM  

mhd: baufan2005: Then he flew off the handle and chastised his sons for seeing his nakedness.

One of them, the other didn't go "Haha", but walked into his tent backwards and covered him.
And not just chastise, but cursed. Which lead to the awesome name of the "Curse of Ham".

/and don't even start with the theological and linguistic interpretations of what "saw him naked" really meant


I always wonder about that too. It's pretty clear in the Bible that Noah was farking his sons. Seems odd no religious folk like to talk about that.
 
2013-10-17 09:30:48 AM  

You Are All Sheep: how long did it take Noah to build the ark in the bible?


40 cubits
 
2013-10-17 09:31:32 AM  
HOW ABOUT NOAH
 
2013-10-17 09:34:50 AM  

Confabulat: machoprogrammer: When I was 8 I realized it was all bs. There's adults out there dumber than 8 year old me. And I was a really stupid kid...

I will never forget my first day at Sunday School. (Oh how I didn't want to go!)

But my first day, I remember sitting there all morning quietly giggling at the silly man's fairy tales, and how seriously he took them. I was nearly bursting out laughing and I could NOT wait until lunchtime so I could meet up with some of my friends from elementary school and laugh and laugh at this guy.

Then I got to lunch and sat down still giddy and ready for some serious pre-teen mockery, and then I noticed what my friends were saying. They BELIEVED what the crazy dude had been telling them for hours, about magic God and Jesus and fairies or whatever.

It shook me to my very core. I learned that day how to be quiet.


And that little boy grew up to be Ted Bundy, and now you know the rest of the story.
 
2013-10-17 09:35:56 AM  

You Are All Sheep: how long did it take Noah to build the ark in the bible?


I want to say I heard two years someplace, but I forget where that was. It doesn't seem to be clear in the text, but I might have missed something.
 
2013-10-17 09:37:27 AM  

sprawl15: You Are All Sheep: how long did it take Noah to build the ark in the bible?

40 cubits


No, that's how long it takes to do the Kessel Run.
 
2013-10-17 09:54:05 AM  
FTFA: "But now that they've seen it, people on the distribution side realize it isn't an easy sell."

You don't say? Was it due to the massive plot holes, the disobedience of basic physics, or the absurdity of the story? I gave Gravity some artistic license with the science because it was fun. I just don't see the fun in concocting a way penguins and koala bears got to their destinations after the waters subsided. That would take some truly creative writing. But then again, so did the Bible.
 
2013-10-17 09:54:49 AM  

You Are All Sheep: how long did it take Noah to build the ark in the bible?


45 cubit-days.
 
2013-10-17 09:58:46 AM  

Saiga410: Tyrone Slothrop: Confabulat: What's interesting about the story of Noah is how child-like and simplistic it is. There is no way that story could possibly occur given the physical and natural laws that we have ever encountered. Yet to this day, people believe it is real.

That says a lot about our species, I think.

It fails on a moral level too. Your god destroys all of humanity except for a couple of families, and you still think he's a loving god worth worshipping?

You have to take the book as a total.  A young god starts creating stuff and gets into all types of trouble.  Having to reboot and rework his plans as he continues to screw up.  One day he finds out in a drunk'n debouched night he sired a son.... and after that everything changed.  It is a story on how having kids really mellows you out, no matter how much you want to kill them.


Yeah, but now you've got to deal with a god who's always talking about his kid. So damn boring; your child is not a precious snowflake.
 
2013-10-17 10:00:49 AM  

sprawl15: mhd: How do you make a non-biblical version in the first place?

Do it about the Mediterranean overflowing through the Bosphorus, destroying the small village where Noah lives. Frame it in context of the stories he tells his children to calm them and lessen the impact of the tragedy for them. The neighbor's kids are assholes, so the flooding is punishment for their wickedness. They need to cross a stream that has grown to a raging river, and they can only fit some of their herd on the boat so they fit two of every animal they are leading along; two sheep, two goats. They find a beautiful unsettled valley, and take root there as the reward for their trials and tribulations, building their homestead out of the wilderness.


It's been done:
imgs.xkcd.com
 
2013-10-17 10:00:53 AM  
just don't try to get shiattim wood past the fark filter!
 
2013-10-17 10:09:42 AM  
Will every aware inch of the boat be covered in beetles?
 
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