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(Mother Nature Network)   Americans have a new fascination with the common hemorrhoid   (mnn.com) divider line 108
    More: Interesting, Americans, Google Trends, water balloon, Google Search  
•       •       •

9174 clicks; posted to Main » on 14 Oct 2013 at 6:40 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



108 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2013-10-14 05:07:12 PM  
He will be thrilled.

i1.ytimg.com
 
2013-10-14 05:12:49 PM  
Leave Ted Cruz alone!!11
 
2013-10-14 05:58:38 PM  
It's just viral marketing for the rollout of Preparation I
 
2013-10-14 06:16:46 PM  

Tarkus: Leave Ted Cruz alone!!11


covered.
leaving
 
2013-10-14 06:29:44 PM  
There has been a dramatic increase in butthurt since 2008.
 
2013-10-14 06:40:44 PM  
Pop culture.
 
2013-10-14 06:41:38 PM  
A pain in the butt, I tell yah.
 
2013-10-14 06:45:24 PM  
I misspelled Boner as Boehner, and that's what came up.
 
2013-10-14 06:49:53 PM  
But enough about the Teatards.
 
2013-10-14 06:51:35 PM  
use a bidet
 
2013-10-14 06:52:57 PM  
The minority can f the world. Why not.

//Founding fathers raise up from their graves
 
2013-10-14 06:53:05 PM  
FIBER ONE BARS. Book it. Done. Ever since I started slamming down 2-3 of them a day, it's been smooth sailing with no bleeding ever. Shrinkage even. Those bars make really nice dessert snacks. I  love the caramel-coconut-fudge version. Stay away from the brownies. They're like wallpaper paste.

/listen up people, heed well my advice. Pull down your pants and slide on the ice
 
2013-10-14 06:55:26 PM  
Ground flax seeds, psyllium husk, bran and plenty of water.

Broccoli and roughage is good.

Magnesium if you're still not going well. Add dosage slowly.
 
2013-10-14 06:55:27 PM  
Why isn't this safely on the Politics tab?
 
2013-10-14 06:58:08 PM  
img2.timeinc.net
 
2013-10-14 06:58:45 PM  
If Cruz is a hemorrhoid, then Boener is the anal fissure.
 
2013-10-14 06:59:09 PM  
My first thought was also, "why isn't this on the Politics tab"


I'd also love to look back and see when the first PPP poll with hemorrhoids vs. congress was released and see if there's any correlation between subsequent releases of polls with that question on and google searches.
 
2013-10-14 06:59:30 PM  

Testiclaw: Ground flax seeds, psyllium husk, bran and plenty of water.

Broccoli and roughage is good.

Magnesium if you're still not going well. Add dosage slowly.


colon/mind blown
 
2013-10-14 06:59:30 PM  
One of the absolute best over-the-counter products for treating open wounds and moderate skin tears on the market.

img.fark.net

/seriously
 
2013-10-14 07:02:17 PM  
I've never heard Teatards referred to as such, but it seems appropriate.
 
2013-10-14 07:03:00 PM  
But Bush can't be re-elected.
 
2013-10-14 07:03:00 PM  
Does this track a rise in the mainstreaming of jamming it up her/his pooper?
 
2013-10-14 07:05:45 PM  

revrendjim: There has been a dramatic increase in butthurt since 2008.


Aaaand, we're done.
 
2013-10-14 07:05:51 PM  
I'll believe Americans really care when sales of the Japanese-style toilet seats go up.  $250 at the big Orange, for heated seat and heated water... not nearly as expensive as they were even a couple years ago.  Still gotta get a GFCI power outlet down near the toilet, so that can be a limiting factor.

Seriously, though... worth every stinking penny.
 
2013-10-14 07:06:56 PM  
Should this be on the Politics tab?
 
2013-10-14 07:07:48 PM  
That cheap 24 rolls of sandpaper is not helping.
 
IP
2013-10-14 07:09:30 PM  

Tarkus: Leave Ted Cruz alone!!11

 
IP
2013-10-14 07:10:24 PM  

revrendjim: There has been a dramatic increase in butthurt since 2008.


Well played.
 
2013-10-14 07:13:16 PM  

thisisyourbrainonFark:


His going rate's a little higher these days. Plus now he's probably using it, not hawking it.
 
2013-10-14 07:14:09 PM  
Maybe we can get Elon Musk to design the non hemorrhoid toilet. Then we can buy more carbon credits. It's a win all around.
 
2013-10-14 07:14:55 PM  
It's more likely that there's more and more older people getting on the internet.
 
2013-10-14 07:16:59 PM  
I had several internal hemorrhoids treated a few years ago. The doctor said some were the size of golf balls. I have no clue how all of this can fit up my ass but since I cant look up inside there, I have to take his word for it. When he tried to stick the lazer thing up my asshole I almost screamed it hurt so bad. After some investigation he told me that I had an anal fissure. Apparently all the pressure of trying to get poop past enormous hemorrhoids had ripped my bunghole. So he proceeds to tell me that we might can treat this with some sort of cream instead of surgery but this fissure must heal before the lazer treatments can take place.

So i get the ass cream from the pharmacy and smear it on. I also inject it up inside my ass as I was instructed. At first it felt better because it was sorta soothing on my torn butthole. Later it hurt bad, really, really bad. Even worse was the horrible itching. I began to fear that I had a reaction to the stuff that Id been shoving up my asshole. I went back to the doctor and found out that indeed I was allergic and it was the first time they had seen this happen. I dont know how they kept from laughing but I admire them for it. Anyway, he managed to figure out an alternative med and that actually helped. After my butt healed he lazered my ass. Now im fine but I eat plenty of fruits, veggies and whole grains now. And thats all I have to say about that.
 
2013-10-14 07:18:53 PM  
But it's the Polacks who managed to perform the first hemorrhoid transplant.
 
2013-10-14 07:20:56 PM  

Tarkus: Leave Ted Cruz alone!!11


I see I am no longer needed here.
 
2013-10-14 07:21:09 PM  

leevis: But it's the Polacks who managed to perform the first hemorrhoid transplant.


fark you racist shiatbag. Go crawl back to your mongrel home.
 
2013-10-14 07:21:40 PM  

liverleef: I had several internal hemorrhoids treated a few years ago. The doctor said some were the size of golf balls. I have no clue how all of this can fit up my ass but since I cant look up inside there, I have to take his word for it. When he tried to stick the lazer thing up my asshole I almost screamed it hurt so bad. After some investigation he told me that I had an anal fissure. Apparently all the pressure of trying to get poop past enormous hemorrhoids had ripped my bunghole. So he proceeds to tell me that we might can treat this with some sort of cream instead of surgery but this fissure must heal before the lazer treatments can take place.

So i get the ass cream from the pharmacy and smear it on. I also inject it up inside my ass as I was instructed. At first it felt better because it was sorta soothing on my torn butthole. Later it hurt bad, really, really bad. Even worse was the horrible itching. I began to fear that I had a reaction to the stuff that Id been shoving up my asshole. I went back to the doctor and found out that indeed I was allergic and it was the first time they had seen this happen. I dont know how they kept from laughing but I admire them for it. Anyway, he managed to figure out an alternative med and that actually helped. After my butt healed he lazered my ass. Now im fine but I eat plenty of fruits, veggies and whole grains now. And thats all I have to say about that.


Did they say anything about the gerbil that's lodged in there?
 
2013-10-14 07:23:43 PM  
What the hell is this thread supposed to be about?!?
 
2013-10-14 07:23:56 PM  
Increased fascination with working out + long hours of sitting = chances increase
 
2013-10-14 07:25:54 PM  

liverleef: I had several internal hemorrhoids treated a few years ago. The doctor said some were the size of golf balls. I have no clue how all of this can fit up my ass but since I cant look up inside there, I have to take his word for it. When he tried to stick the lazer thing up my asshole I almost screamed it hurt so bad. After some investigation he told me that I had an anal fissure. Apparently all the pressure of trying to get poop past enormous hemorrhoids had ripped my bunghole. So he proceeds to tell me that we might can treat this with some sort of cream instead of surgery but this fissure must heal before the lazer treatments can take place.

So i get the ass cream from the pharmacy and smear it on. I also inject it up inside my ass as I was instructed. At first it felt better because it was sorta soothing on my torn butthole. Later it hurt bad, really, really bad. Even worse was the horrible itching. I began to fear that I had a reaction to the stuff that Id been shoving up my asshole. I went back to the doctor and found out that indeed I was allergic and it was the first time they had seen this happen. I dont know how they kept from laughing but I admire them for it. Anyway, he managed to figure out an alternative med and that actually helped. After my butt healed he lazered my ass. Now im fine but I eat plenty of fruits, veggies and whole grains now. And thats all I have to say about that.


I have never thought about my own asshole in the entirety of my life combined as much as I have while reading this post. I now want to sprinkle some baby powder on it and thank God the it's always worked pretty much as intended.
 
2013-10-14 07:26:06 PM  
I'm starting to get a funny feeling in my no-no parts after reading this thread.
 
2013-10-14 07:29:56 PM  

Gyrfalcon: What the hell is this thread supposed to be about?!?


shiatting.
 
2013-10-14 07:32:52 PM  

IRQ12: It's more likely that there's more and more older people getting on the internet.


Or just more people in general.

xkcdwheretheyshowheatmapsthatareessentiallypopulationmaps.jpg
 
2013-10-14 07:32:54 PM  
24.media.tumblr.com
 
2013-10-14 07:33:17 PM  

Lawnchair: I'll believe Americans really care when sales of the Japanese-style toilet seats go up.  $250 at the big Orange, for heated seat and heated water... not nearly as expensive as they were even a couple years ago.  Still gotta get a GFCI power outlet down near the toilet, so that can be a limiting factor.

Seriously, though... worth every stinking penny.


Your link is busted, but I imagine you're talking about something along the lines of the Toto Washlet. Got one at work (plumbing shop) but can't put the power supply in my apartment. Wish I could. There's nothing like a clean butthole.
 
2013-10-14 07:34:37 PM  

mark12A: FIBER ONE BARS. Book it. Done. Ever since I started slamming down 2-3 of them a day, it's been smooth sailing with no bleeding ever. Shrinkage even. Those bars make really nice dessert snacks. I  love the caramel-coconut-fudge version. Stay away from the brownies. They're like wallpaper paste.

/listen up people, heed well my advice. Pull down your pants and slide on the ice


I know way too much about you. We're going to have to get married now.

/hope your hemmorhoids can handle catching
 
2013-10-14 07:34:41 PM  
"Data gathered from Google searches show that interest in the term "hemorrhoids" more than doubled between 2008 and 2013..."

www.guzer.com

I blame the "Preppers"
 
2013-10-14 07:37:59 PM  

liverleef: And thats all I have to say about that.


Jesus.

I think that's all there is to say about that.
 
2013-10-14 07:39:06 PM  
The more arseholes we elect the more hemorrhoids we get?

OR

The lower our house prices go the more hemorrhoids we get?

OR

The more we talk about teh gayz the more hemorrhoids we get?

OR

With Obamacare coming we can report preexisting conditions now, the more hemorrhoids we get?

OR

The more we cram our fat butts into little fuel efficient cars to save money, the more hemorrhoids we get?

OR

The older the baby boomers get, the more their arses are messed up from being tightwads for so long?
 
2013-10-14 07:44:26 PM  
Will he use a shoe to go in there, like boot me in the ass or something?


THEY'RE TEARING THE ASS OUTTA ME
 
2013-10-14 07:45:23 PM  
Ok, imma gomna go ahead and say that I DNRTFA, so I have no idea what this thread is about. I am, however, laughing my ass off. Thank you, fark!
 
2013-10-14 07:49:56 PM  
You have to pay heed to your pumpkin seeds
 
2013-10-14 08:08:30 PM  

Kid Lester: liverleef: I had several internal hemorrhoids treated a few years ago. The doctor said some were the size of golf balls. I have no clue how all of this can fit up my ass but since I cant look up inside there, I have to take his word for it. When he tried to stick the lazer thing up my asshole I almost screamed it hurt so bad. After some investigation he told me that I had an anal fissure. Apparently all the pressure of trying to get poop past enormous hemorrhoids had ripped my bunghole. So he proceeds to tell me that we might can treat this with some sort of cream instead of surgery but this fissure must heal before the lazer treatments can take place.

So i get the ass cream from the pharmacy and smear it on. I also inject it up inside my ass as I was instructed. At first it felt better because it was sorta soothing on my torn butthole. Later it hurt bad, really, really bad. Even worse was the horrible itching. I began to fear that I had a reaction to the stuff that Id been shoving up my asshole. I went back to the doctor and found out that indeed I was allergic and it was the first time they had seen this happen. I dont know how they kept from laughing but I admire them for it. Anyway, he managed to figure out an alternative med and that actually helped. After my butt healed he lazered my ass. Now im fine but I eat plenty of fruits, veggies and whole grains now. And thats all I have to say about that.

I have never thought about my own asshole in the entirety of my life combined as much as I have while reading this post. I now want to sprinkle some baby powder on it and thank God the it's always worked pretty much as intended.


So much this. My friend had an up-the-butt infection. He went to the ER when he finally stopped being able to evacuate anything, urine or feces. Stuff like that makes you realize how awesome a machine your body is.

I thought the time correlation is interesting. Would it have anything to do with the quality (or lack thereof) that people are eating as a result of the recession?
 
2013-10-14 08:09:01 PM  
Well, under recent polls (October 4th through 6th), Americans currently have a higher opinion of hemorrhoids to Congressmen. 53% of people in the US say they have a higher opinion of hemorrhoids than Congress.

http://www.publicpolicypolling.com/pdf/2013/PPP_Release_CONGRESS_108 .p df
 
2013-10-14 08:09:02 PM  
 
2013-10-14 08:09:35 PM  

StoPPeRmobile: leevis: But it's the Polacks who managed to perform the first hemorrhoid transplant.

fark you racist shiatbag. Go crawl back to your mongrel home.


anongallery.org
 
2013-10-14 08:09:42 PM  
I would bet that 80% of those searches are related to people trying to figure out how to spell the word correctly.
 
2013-10-14 08:09:50 PM  
I think the the searches for "hemorrhoid" are associated with trying to find a new description for our politicians.
 
2013-10-14 08:10:39 PM  

liverleef: anal fissure.


Oblig
 
2013-10-14 08:13:05 PM  
There's a bunch of things this new economy will do to google searches. "Living out of a box", "Selling my blood", "Price of bulk copper" will all skyrocket.
 
2013-10-14 08:13:45 PM  

Kid Lester: liverleef: I had several internal hemorrhoids treated a few years ago. The doctor said some were the size of golf balls. I have no clue how all of this can fit up my ass but since I cant look up inside there, I have to take his word for it. When he tried to stick the lazer thing up my asshole I almost screamed it hurt so bad. After some investigation he told me that I had an anal fissure. Apparently all the pressure of trying to get poop past enormous hemorrhoids had ripped my bunghole. So he proceeds to tell me that we might can treat this with some sort of cream instead of surgery but this fissure must heal before the lazer treatments can take place.

So i get the ass cream from the pharmacy and smear it on. I also inject it up inside my ass as I was instructed. At first it felt better because it was sorta soothing on my torn butthole. Later it hurt bad, really, really bad. Even worse was the horrible itching. I began to fear that I had a reaction to the stuff that Id been shoving up my asshole. I went back to the doctor and found out that indeed I was allergic and it was the first time they had seen this happen. I dont know how they kept from laughing but I admire them for it. Anyway, he managed to figure out an alternative med and that actually helped. After my butt healed he lazered my ass. Now im fine but I eat plenty of fruits, veggies and whole grains now. And thats all I have to say about that.

I have never thought about my own asshole in the entirety of my life combined as much as I have while reading this post. I now want to sprinkle some baby powder on it and thank God the it's always worked pretty much as intended.


Speaking for all IBD sufferers everywhere, you should thank your normal, functional asshole every single day of your life.

/actually you should be thanking your intestines and stuff but you know what I mean
 
2013-10-14 08:20:35 PM  

liverleef: I had several internal hemorrhoids treated a few years ago. The doctor said some were the size of golf balls. I have no clue how all of this can fit up my ass but since I cant look up inside there, I have to take his word for it. When he tried to stick the lazer thing up my asshole I almost screamed it hurt so bad. After some investigation he told me that I had an anal fissure. Apparently all the pressure of trying to get poop past enormous hemorrhoids had ripped my bunghole. So he proceeds to tell me that we might can treat this with some sort of cream instead of surgery but this fissure must heal before the lazer treatments can take place.

So i get the ass cream from the pharmacy and smear it on. I also inject it up inside my ass as I was instructed. At first it felt better because it was sorta soothing on my torn butthole. Later it hurt bad, really, really bad. Even worse was the horrible itching. I began to fear that I had a reaction to the stuff that Id been shoving up my asshole. I went back to the doctor and found out that indeed I was allergic and it was the first time they had seen this happen. I dont know how they kept from laughing but I admire them for it. Anyway, he managed to figure out an alternative med and that actually helped. After my butt healed he lazered my ass. Now im fine but I eat plenty of fruits, veggies and whole grains now. And thats all I have to say about that.


Bro?

But seriously, I eat lots of vegetables and fiber but I know hemorrhoids runs in my family. Shortly after reading this article on bathroom posture, I noticed some bleeding and got a cheap stool to prop my feet up on. No problems since.
 
2013-10-14 08:26:04 PM  

Ronin_S: liverleef: I had several internal hemorrhoids treated a few years ago. The doctor said some were the size of golf balls. I have no clue how all of this can fit up my ass but since I cant look up inside there, I have to take his word for it. When he tried to stick the lazer thing up my asshole I almost screamed it hurt so bad. After some investigation he told me that I had an anal fissure. Apparently all the pressure of trying to get poop past enormous hemorrhoids had ripped my bunghole. So he proceeds to tell me that we might can treat this with some sort of cream instead of surgery but this fissure must heal before the lazer treatments can take place.

So i get the ass cream from the pharmacy and smear it on. I also inject it up inside my ass as I was instructed. At first it felt better because it was sorta soothing on my torn butthole. Later it hurt bad, really, really bad. Even worse was the horrible itching. I began to fear that I had a reaction to the stuff that Id been shoving up my asshole. I went back to the doctor and found out that indeed I was allergic and it was the first time they had seen this happen. I dont know how they kept from laughing but I admire them for it. Anyway, he managed to figure out an alternative med and that actually helped. After my butt healed he lazered my ass. Now im fine but I eat plenty of fruits, veggies and whole grains now. And thats all I have to say about that.

Bro?

But seriously, I eat lots of vegetables and fiber but I know hemorrhoids runs in my family. Shortly after reading this article on bathroom posture, I noticed some bleeding and got a cheap stool to prop my feet up on. No problems since.


- Don't rip huge farts

- Don't bear down, just let it fall out

- Lay off the amphetamines (my friend's boy on ritalin was always shiatting bricks - literally)
 
2013-10-14 08:26:12 PM  
Came for colon blow, leaving uhh, satisfied.
 
2013-10-14 08:31:29 PM  
You know, every time someone needs 'roid advice in TotalFark Discussion the thread gets shot down in seconds.
 
2013-10-14 08:32:48 PM  
Hemorrhoid and Diarrhea are two of the worst sounding words in the English language.
 
2013-10-14 08:33:15 PM  
Does it pay better than the banks? I've been looking for a new place to put my money...
 
2013-10-14 08:37:04 PM  
I blame the rise in smartphones and the increased amout of time people spend on the toilet amusing themselves.  Idiocracy got this part wrong.  Instead of multiscreen TV, it will be multiscreen social media/internet feed where people can tweet about "the big one" they just passed.
 
2013-10-14 08:39:46 PM  
I blame the pain meds.  I felt like I was giving birth after my surgery.  Overshare?
 
2013-10-14 08:40:42 PM  
James J. Hill, known as the "Empire Builder" and one of the wealthiest men in US history, died on May 29, 1916, at the age of 77.   The New York Timesstated that the cause of death was "a hemorrhoidal infection. The  Seattle Post-Intelligencerdescribed the cause of death as infection stemming from as "a carbuncle on the posterior of his thigh, which has resulted from bowel trouble" ("Hill Rallies Quickly After Knife Is Used"). Although Hill's physicians drained the abscess, his temperature began to climb and gangrene spread.  The United Press reported that "newspapermen, motion picture operators, and press cameramen began besieging the Hill mansion ... special trains began bringing friends and relatives to the bedside ... Father Thomas J. Gibbons, pastor of the St. Paul Cathedral and vicar general of the St. Paul archdiocese, hastened to the bedside."  The St. Paul Cathedral, in use for services but still under construction at the time of Hill's death, is located about a block away from the James J. Hill mansion.  Most of Hill's immediate family was present when he died. The Mayo Brothers (founders of the Mayo Clinic) arrived from Rochester, MN, but found Hill already deceased.
 
2013-10-14 08:41:06 PM  

Rev. Skarekroe: You know, every time someone needs 'roid advice in TotalFark Discussion the thread gets shot down in seconds.


When I was a TFer, I got banned for a headline that was far less graphic than liverleaf's post. This is one reason they no longer get my money.
 
2013-10-14 08:41:46 PM  

Peki: So much this. My friend had an up-the-butt infection. He went to the ER when he finally stopped being able to evacuate anything, urine or feces. Stuff like that makes you realize how awesome a machine your body is.

I thought the time correlation is interesting. Would it have anything to do with the quality (or lack thereof) that people are eating as a result of the recession?


It might have to do with the time people are parked on the potty playing Candy Crush Saga, or texting or whatever. Sitting on the john has always been a great way to get hemorrhoids and now there's a whole new way to do it besides the Sears catalog.
 
2013-10-14 08:48:59 PM  

Tarkus: Leave Ted Cruz alone!!11


Wasn't going that specific, was thinking of a "but enough about Congress" crack, but... yeah, that about covers it.
 
2013-10-14 08:56:05 PM  
bbsimg.ngfiles.com
 
2013-10-14 09:00:40 PM  
Approves.

launiusr.files.wordpress.com

/link hotter than 3rd base.
 
2013-10-14 09:01:36 PM  
1.bp.blogspot.com
 
2013-10-14 09:13:02 PM  
I like to assume I am almost as amused by scatological topics as Mozart was. Reading about anal fissures is no small exception.

/ass
 
2013-10-14 09:14:23 PM  

Ronin_S: liverleef: I had several internal hemorrhoids treated a few years ago. The doctor said some were the size of golf balls. I have no clue how all of this can fit up my ass but since I cant look up inside there, I have to take his word for it. When he tried to stick the lazer thing up my asshole I almost screamed it hurt so bad. After some investigation he told me that I had an anal fissure. Apparently all the pressure of trying to get poop past enormous hemorrhoids had ripped my bunghole. So he proceeds to tell me that we might can treat this with some sort of cream instead of surgery but this fissure must heal before the lazer treatments can take place.

So i get the ass cream from the pharmacy and smear it on. I also inject it up inside my ass as I was instructed. At first it felt better because it was sorta soothing on my torn butthole. Later it hurt bad, really, really bad. Even worse was the horrible itching. I began to fear that I had a reaction to the stuff that Id been shoving up my asshole. I went back to the doctor and found out that indeed I was allergic and it was the first time they had seen this happen. I dont know how they kept from laughing but I admire them for it. Anyway, he managed to figure out an alternative med and that actually helped. After my butt healed he lazered my ass. Now im fine but I eat plenty of fruits, veggies and whole grains now. And thats all I have to say about that.

Bro?

But seriously, I eat lots of vegetables and fiber but I know hemorrhoids runs in my family. Shortly after reading this article on bathroom posture, I noticed some bleeding and got a cheap stool to prop my feet up on. No problems since.


The veggies, fruit and whole grains are good, but, I've, also, been drinking a cup of kefir each day and any problems I had, have disappeared.   I don't want to sound like some foodie, hipster, douche bag, but I started drinking the stuff after listening to an NPR show, where a doc talked about all the organisms that live in and on us.  He stated that the gut flora and fauna were some of the most important.  I had always blown off the claims about probiotic products as so much advertising BS, but, the NPR show made me rethink all of that.  I started buying an kefir with 12 different kinds of bacteria, figuring that a wide spectrum was better than taking stuff that only contained one or two strains.  The stuff worked in a couple of days.  Everything has been moving along smoothly.  And it's lactose free, since the little ones have eaten all it.
 
2013-10-14 09:20:15 PM  
The fans are already splitting into the Itching and the Burning factions.
 
2013-10-14 09:24:59 PM  
Piles and piles of piles. In the Bible.

the hand of the LORD was against the city with a very great destruction: and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods** in their secret parts. -- 1 Samuel 5:6-7
 
2013-10-14 09:26:11 PM  
Good thing I saw this before releasing my product on Dr. Oz. "The Poopinator BM2," is a Seated Adult Fecal Examination Unit that now clearly needs side arm lighted anal mirrors. I'll have to rework the jingle, "You can rinse it and retain it, microscopically explain it..."
 
2013-10-14 09:46:09 PM  
Next up ITT: The subtle difference between "You're an ass man" and "You're an ass, man".

/and it burns, burns, burns... that ring of fire, that ring of fire
 
2013-10-14 10:08:39 PM  

liverleef: I had several internal hemorrhoids treated a few years ago. The doctor said some were the size of golf balls. I have no clue how all of this can fit up my ass but since I cant look up inside there, I have to take his word for it. When he tried to stick the lazer thing up my asshole I almost screamed it hurt so bad. After some investigation he told me that I had an anal fissure. Apparently all the pressure of trying to get poop past enormous hemorrhoids had ripped my bunghole. So he proceeds to tell me that we might can treat this with some sort of cream instead of surgery but this fissure must heal before the lazer treatments can take place.

So i get the ass cream from the pharmacy and smear it on. I also inject it up inside my ass as I was instructed. At first it felt better because it was sorta soothing on my torn butthole. Later it hurt bad, really, really bad. Even worse was the horrible itching. I began to fear that I had a reaction to the stuff that Id been shoving up my asshole. I went back to the doctor and found out that indeed I was allergic and it was the first time they had seen this happen. I dont know how they kept from laughing but I admire them for it. Anyway, he managed to figure out an alternative med and that actually helped. After my butt healed he lazered my ass. Now im fine but I eat plenty of fruits, veggies and whole grains now. And thats all I have to say about that.


This is perhaps the most hilarious rendition of a bout with the 'roids I have ever read. Not that I've read many or even any. A++ would LOL again.
 
2013-10-14 10:09:42 PM  

Kid Lester: Will he use a shoe to go in there, like boot me in the ass or something?


THEY'RE TEARING THE ASS OUTTA ME


Sir, would you please use the proper terminology.
 
2013-10-14 10:10:06 PM  
31.media.tumblr.com
 
2013-10-14 10:16:24 PM  

caddisfly: I blame the pain meds.  I felt like I was giving birth after my surgery.  Overshare?


I agree with this. Got in a wreck. Got an unreasonable amount of 10/325 norcos. I could not crap to save my life, which kept me from getting hooked on the stuff. As a awesome as they can be ('specially if you take a couple), I decided I'd rather be regular than functionally dopey and unusually pleasant.
 
2013-10-14 10:48:22 PM  
i.ytimg.com
"...Preparation H!"
 
2013-10-14 11:05:36 PM  
1.bp.blogspot.com
 
2013-10-14 11:10:01 PM  

zimbomba63: Ronin_S: liverleef: I had several internal hemorrhoids treated a few years ago. The doctor said some were the size of golf balls. I have no clue how all of this can fit up my ass but since I cant look up inside there, I have to take his word for it. When he tried to stick the lazer thing up my asshole I almost screamed it hurt so bad. After some investigation he told me that I had an anal fissure. Apparently all the pressure of trying to get poop past enormous hemorrhoids had ripped my bunghole. So he proceeds to tell me that we might can treat this with some sort of cream instead of surgery but this fissure must heal before the lazer treatments can take place.

So i get the ass cream from the pharmacy and smear it on. I also inject it up inside my ass as I was instructed. At first it felt better because it was sorta soothing on my torn butthole. Later it hurt bad, really, really bad. Even worse was the horrible itching. I began to fear that I had a reaction to the stuff that Id been shoving up my asshole. I went back to the doctor and found out that indeed I was allergic and it was the first time they had seen this happen. I dont know how they kept from laughing but I admire them for it. Anyway, he managed to figure out an alternative med and that actually helped. After my butt healed he lazered my ass. Now im fine but I eat plenty of fruits, veggies and whole grains now. And thats all I have to say about that.

Bro?

But seriously, I eat lots of vegetables and fiber but I know hemorrhoids runs in my family. Shortly after reading this article on bathroom posture, I noticed some bleeding and got a cheap stool to prop my feet up on. No problems since.

The veggies, fruit and whole grains are good, but, I've, also, been drinking a cup of kefir each day and any problems I had, have disappeared.   I don't want to sound like some foodie, hipster, douche bag, but I started drinking the stuff after listening to an NPR show, where a doc talked about all the organisms that live in and on us.  He stated that the gut flora and fauna were some of the most important.  I had always blown off the claims about probiotic products as so much advertising BS, but, the NPR show made me rethink all of that.  I started buying an kefir with 12 different kinds of bacteria, figuring that a wide spectrum was better than taking stuff that only contained one or two strains.  The stuff worked in a couple of days.  Everything has been moving along smoothly.  And it's lactose free, since the little ones have eaten all it.


Thanks, I'm totally going to buy some of this stuff.
 
2013-10-14 11:31:20 PM  
There is a pause in your life like no other when you first realize you are BLEEDING OUT YOUR ASS.
 
2013-10-14 11:38:39 PM  

Sgygus: There is a pause in your life like no other when you first realize you are BLEEDING OUT YOUR ASS.


th04.deviantart.net
 
2013-10-14 11:57:44 PM  
cdn3.independent.ie

May God strike her down with hemorrhoids, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!
 
2013-10-15 12:05:42 AM  

vudukungfu: Tarkus: Leave Ted Cruz alone!!11

covered.
leaving


God damn it! Exactly what I was going to say. Carry on.
 
2013-10-15 12:37:37 AM  

Lawnchair: I'll believe Americans really care when sales of the Japanese-style toilet seats go up.  $250 at the big Orange, for heated seat and heated water... not nearly as expensive as they were even a couple years ago.  Still gotta get a GFCI power outlet down near the toilet, so that can be a limiting factor.

Seriously, though... worth every stinking penny.


Is that a squat toilet?
 
2013-10-15 12:49:55 AM  

Lawnchair: I'll believe Americans really care when sales of the Japanese-style toilet seats go up.  $250 at the big Orange, for heated seat and heated water... not nearly as expensive as they were even a couple years ago.  Still gotta get a GFCI power outlet down near the toilet, so that can be a limiting factor.

Seriously, though... worth every stinking penny.


Yes, this. If you had shiat on your face would you wipe it off with a paper towel and call it good?
 
2013-10-15 01:26:03 AM  

Sgygus: There is a pause in your life like no other when you first realize you are BLEEDING OUT YOUR ASS.


Or asking yourself "Why is the bowl full of Coca-cola?"


/eat your veggies
 
2013-10-15 03:13:57 AM  
My hemorrhoids are anything but common. In fact they're farking exceptional. For a low low price of only $99.99 per month...
 
2013-10-15 03:18:30 AM  

The One True TheDavid: My hemorrhoids are anything but common. In fact they're farking exceptional. For a low low price of only $99.99 per month...


Finally, someone answered the question "What is an uncommon hemorrhoid then?"
 
2013-10-15 03:21:20 AM  

Contrabulous Flabtraption: Lawnchair: I'll believe Americans really care when sales of the Japanese-style toilet seats go up.  $250 at the big Orange, for heated seat and heated water... not nearly as expensive as they were even a couple years ago.  Still gotta get a GFCI power outlet down near the toilet, so that can be a limiting factor.

Seriously, though... worth every stinking penny.

Yes, this. If you had shiat on your face would you wipe it off with a paper towel and call it good?


Not ordinarily, but otoh, I wear underpants and also a lower garment concealing my nether regions; while my face is out for everyone to see; so if there was fecal material coming out of my mouth on a regular basis I'd need to cover that orifice as diligently as I cover my poop chute. Since there isn't, and since I take care to ensure I don't leave dingleberries like most members of the MALE sex seem to do; there's no need to freak out that merely wiping and flushing isn't doing the job like you anal types seem to fear.
 
2013-10-15 04:31:16 AM  

Mr. Coffee Nerves: Preparation I


Imagine the poor soul who had to test Preparations A through G.
 
2013-10-15 05:29:34 AM  
Americans eat too damn much processed foods and no big corporate food company gives a shiat about natural fiber content. And if the big companies do pay attention, it's almost never using normal sources, but yet more weird processed shortcuts.

What the hell is a Chicory Root? Why did I never hear about anyone using this as a food ingredient until the last five or so years when it suddenly appeared in "New! High Fiber" grain bars?

Whatever it is, it gives me horrible gas. I don't normally have gas problems but I'll put out a cubic foot for every Chicory infested "whole grain" bar I try.


Also, have you heard? The terms "whole grain" and "whole wheat" are basically meaningless. Grains can be fully separated into germ, etc, powdered, mixed back together, whatever, and the result can still be called "whole grain".
 
2013-10-15 05:43:04 AM  
There is no big mystery. We are just trying to figure out the current occupant of the oval office.
 
2013-10-15 07:58:05 AM  

Fooby: Americans eat too damn much processed foods and no big corporate food company gives a shiat about natural fiber content. And if the big companies do pay attention, it's almost never using normal sources, but yet more weird processed shortcuts.

What the hell is a Chicory Root? Why did I never hear about anyone using this as a food ingredient until the last five or so years when it suddenly appeared in "New! High Fiber" grain bars?

Whatever it is, it gives me horrible gas. I don't normally have gas problems but I'll put out a cubic foot for every Chicory infested "whole grain" bar I try.


Also, have you heard? The terms "whole grain" and "whole wheat" are basically meaningless. Grains can be fully separated into germ, etc, powdered, mixed back together, whatever, and the result can still be called "whole grain".


This is chicory, it grows wild in most of North America:
upload.wikimedia.org
Roast the roots and they taste like coffee.

I prefer yogurt for my probiotics. Any that says 'live culture' in the ingredients list is fine, the stuff labelled as such is just marketing malarkey.
 
2013-10-15 08:45:39 AM  
i1.ytimg.com

/oblig.
 
2013-10-15 09:34:10 AM  
Seriously look up "Squatty Potty"

Stupid name but the cheap plastic stool gets your body in the right position to poop. You won't spend any time on the pot and less time, less strain means big improvement in hemorrhoid symptoms.

paleoparents.com
 
2013-10-15 09:38:23 AM  

liverleef: I had several internal hemorrhoids treated a few years ago. The doctor said some were the size of golf balls. I have no clue how all of this can fit up my ass but since I cant look up inside there, I have to take his word for it. When he tried to stick the lazer thing up my asshole I almost screamed it hurt so bad. After some investigation he told me that I had an anal fissure. Apparently all the pressure of trying to get poop past enormous hemorrhoids had ripped my bunghole. So he proceeds to tell me that we might can treat this with some sort of cream instead of surgery but this fissure must heal before the lazer treatments can take place.

So i get the ass cream from the pharmacy and smear it on. I also inject it up inside my ass as I was instructed. At first it felt better because it was sorta soothing on my torn butthole. Later it hurt bad, really, really bad. Even worse was the horrible itching. I began to fear that I had a reaction to the stuff that Id been shoving up my asshole. I went back to the doctor and found out that indeed I was allergic and it was the first time they had seen this happen. I dont know how they kept from laughing but I admire them for it. Anyway, he managed to figure out an alternative med and that actually helped. After my butt healed he lazered my ass. Now im fine but I eat plenty of fruits, veggies and whole grains now. And thats all I have to say about that.


Sorest Rump?
 
2013-10-15 10:44:30 AM  
ll of you sufferers, heed B. Franklin's words: He who does what he should not feels what he would not.


/NTTAWWT
 
2013-10-15 11:28:43 AM  

Fooby: What the hell is a Chicory Root?


Chicory is an evil substance that some companies have been adding to coffee for decades in order to ruin it. Probably comparable to the Leola Root that Neelix is fond of using.
 
2013-10-15 12:16:22 PM  
cdn.bleacherreport.net

"Your father had bad, very bad hemorrhoids that stung him unmerciful. Ugh, they were awful!!! They were like stinky little balloons. Ugh. And I gave him some special ointment, and he hurt so bad that he had to apply it in the car with his sock. Thank you!"
 
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