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(Mother Nature Network)   Americans have a new fascination with the common hemorrhoid   (mnn.com) divider line 108
    More: Interesting, Americans, Google Trends, water balloon, Google Search  
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9169 clicks; posted to Main » on 14 Oct 2013 at 6:40 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-10-14 07:49:56 PM  
You have to pay heed to your pumpkin seeds
 
2013-10-14 08:08:30 PM  

Kid Lester: liverleef: I had several internal hemorrhoids treated a few years ago. The doctor said some were the size of golf balls. I have no clue how all of this can fit up my ass but since I cant look up inside there, I have to take his word for it. When he tried to stick the lazer thing up my asshole I almost screamed it hurt so bad. After some investigation he told me that I had an anal fissure. Apparently all the pressure of trying to get poop past enormous hemorrhoids had ripped my bunghole. So he proceeds to tell me that we might can treat this with some sort of cream instead of surgery but this fissure must heal before the lazer treatments can take place.

So i get the ass cream from the pharmacy and smear it on. I also inject it up inside my ass as I was instructed. At first it felt better because it was sorta soothing on my torn butthole. Later it hurt bad, really, really bad. Even worse was the horrible itching. I began to fear that I had a reaction to the stuff that Id been shoving up my asshole. I went back to the doctor and found out that indeed I was allergic and it was the first time they had seen this happen. I dont know how they kept from laughing but I admire them for it. Anyway, he managed to figure out an alternative med and that actually helped. After my butt healed he lazered my ass. Now im fine but I eat plenty of fruits, veggies and whole grains now. And thats all I have to say about that.

I have never thought about my own asshole in the entirety of my life combined as much as I have while reading this post. I now want to sprinkle some baby powder on it and thank God the it's always worked pretty much as intended.


So much this. My friend had an up-the-butt infection. He went to the ER when he finally stopped being able to evacuate anything, urine or feces. Stuff like that makes you realize how awesome a machine your body is.

I thought the time correlation is interesting. Would it have anything to do with the quality (or lack thereof) that people are eating as a result of the recession?
 
2013-10-14 08:09:01 PM  
Well, under recent polls (October 4th through 6th), Americans currently have a higher opinion of hemorrhoids to Congressmen. 53% of people in the US say they have a higher opinion of hemorrhoids than Congress.

http://www.publicpolicypolling.com/pdf/2013/PPP_Release_CONGRESS_108 .p df
 
2013-10-14 08:09:02 PM  
 
2013-10-14 08:09:35 PM  

StoPPeRmobile: leevis: But it's the Polacks who managed to perform the first hemorrhoid transplant.

fark you racist shiatbag. Go crawl back to your mongrel home.


anongallery.org
 
2013-10-14 08:09:42 PM  
I would bet that 80% of those searches are related to people trying to figure out how to spell the word correctly.
 
2013-10-14 08:09:50 PM  
I think the the searches for "hemorrhoid" are associated with trying to find a new description for our politicians.
 
2013-10-14 08:10:39 PM  

liverleef: anal fissure.


Oblig
 
2013-10-14 08:13:05 PM  
There's a bunch of things this new economy will do to google searches. "Living out of a box", "Selling my blood", "Price of bulk copper" will all skyrocket.
 
2013-10-14 08:13:45 PM  

Kid Lester: liverleef: I had several internal hemorrhoids treated a few years ago. The doctor said some were the size of golf balls. I have no clue how all of this can fit up my ass but since I cant look up inside there, I have to take his word for it. When he tried to stick the lazer thing up my asshole I almost screamed it hurt so bad. After some investigation he told me that I had an anal fissure. Apparently all the pressure of trying to get poop past enormous hemorrhoids had ripped my bunghole. So he proceeds to tell me that we might can treat this with some sort of cream instead of surgery but this fissure must heal before the lazer treatments can take place.

So i get the ass cream from the pharmacy and smear it on. I also inject it up inside my ass as I was instructed. At first it felt better because it was sorta soothing on my torn butthole. Later it hurt bad, really, really bad. Even worse was the horrible itching. I began to fear that I had a reaction to the stuff that Id been shoving up my asshole. I went back to the doctor and found out that indeed I was allergic and it was the first time they had seen this happen. I dont know how they kept from laughing but I admire them for it. Anyway, he managed to figure out an alternative med and that actually helped. After my butt healed he lazered my ass. Now im fine but I eat plenty of fruits, veggies and whole grains now. And thats all I have to say about that.

I have never thought about my own asshole in the entirety of my life combined as much as I have while reading this post. I now want to sprinkle some baby powder on it and thank God the it's always worked pretty much as intended.


Speaking for all IBD sufferers everywhere, you should thank your normal, functional asshole every single day of your life.

/actually you should be thanking your intestines and stuff but you know what I mean
 
2013-10-14 08:20:35 PM  

liverleef: I had several internal hemorrhoids treated a few years ago. The doctor said some were the size of golf balls. I have no clue how all of this can fit up my ass but since I cant look up inside there, I have to take his word for it. When he tried to stick the lazer thing up my asshole I almost screamed it hurt so bad. After some investigation he told me that I had an anal fissure. Apparently all the pressure of trying to get poop past enormous hemorrhoids had ripped my bunghole. So he proceeds to tell me that we might can treat this with some sort of cream instead of surgery but this fissure must heal before the lazer treatments can take place.

So i get the ass cream from the pharmacy and smear it on. I also inject it up inside my ass as I was instructed. At first it felt better because it was sorta soothing on my torn butthole. Later it hurt bad, really, really bad. Even worse was the horrible itching. I began to fear that I had a reaction to the stuff that Id been shoving up my asshole. I went back to the doctor and found out that indeed I was allergic and it was the first time they had seen this happen. I dont know how they kept from laughing but I admire them for it. Anyway, he managed to figure out an alternative med and that actually helped. After my butt healed he lazered my ass. Now im fine but I eat plenty of fruits, veggies and whole grains now. And thats all I have to say about that.


Bro?

But seriously, I eat lots of vegetables and fiber but I know hemorrhoids runs in my family. Shortly after reading this article on bathroom posture, I noticed some bleeding and got a cheap stool to prop my feet up on. No problems since.
 
2013-10-14 08:26:04 PM  

Ronin_S: liverleef: I had several internal hemorrhoids treated a few years ago. The doctor said some were the size of golf balls. I have no clue how all of this can fit up my ass but since I cant look up inside there, I have to take his word for it. When he tried to stick the lazer thing up my asshole I almost screamed it hurt so bad. After some investigation he told me that I had an anal fissure. Apparently all the pressure of trying to get poop past enormous hemorrhoids had ripped my bunghole. So he proceeds to tell me that we might can treat this with some sort of cream instead of surgery but this fissure must heal before the lazer treatments can take place.

So i get the ass cream from the pharmacy and smear it on. I also inject it up inside my ass as I was instructed. At first it felt better because it was sorta soothing on my torn butthole. Later it hurt bad, really, really bad. Even worse was the horrible itching. I began to fear that I had a reaction to the stuff that Id been shoving up my asshole. I went back to the doctor and found out that indeed I was allergic and it was the first time they had seen this happen. I dont know how they kept from laughing but I admire them for it. Anyway, he managed to figure out an alternative med and that actually helped. After my butt healed he lazered my ass. Now im fine but I eat plenty of fruits, veggies and whole grains now. And thats all I have to say about that.

Bro?

But seriously, I eat lots of vegetables and fiber but I know hemorrhoids runs in my family. Shortly after reading this article on bathroom posture, I noticed some bleeding and got a cheap stool to prop my feet up on. No problems since.


- Don't rip huge farts

- Don't bear down, just let it fall out

- Lay off the amphetamines (my friend's boy on ritalin was always shiatting bricks - literally)
 
2013-10-14 08:26:12 PM  
Came for colon blow, leaving uhh, satisfied.
 
2013-10-14 08:31:29 PM  
You know, every time someone needs 'roid advice in TotalFark Discussion the thread gets shot down in seconds.
 
2013-10-14 08:32:48 PM  
Hemorrhoid and Diarrhea are two of the worst sounding words in the English language.
 
2013-10-14 08:33:15 PM  
Does it pay better than the banks? I've been looking for a new place to put my money...
 
2013-10-14 08:37:04 PM  
I blame the rise in smartphones and the increased amout of time people spend on the toilet amusing themselves.  Idiocracy got this part wrong.  Instead of multiscreen TV, it will be multiscreen social media/internet feed where people can tweet about "the big one" they just passed.
 
2013-10-14 08:39:46 PM  
I blame the pain meds.  I felt like I was giving birth after my surgery.  Overshare?
 
2013-10-14 08:40:42 PM  
James J. Hill, known as the "Empire Builder" and one of the wealthiest men in US history, died on May 29, 1916, at the age of 77.   The New York Timesstated that the cause of death was "a hemorrhoidal infection. The  Seattle Post-Intelligencerdescribed the cause of death as infection stemming from as "a carbuncle on the posterior of his thigh, which has resulted from bowel trouble" ("Hill Rallies Quickly After Knife Is Used"). Although Hill's physicians drained the abscess, his temperature began to climb and gangrene spread.  The United Press reported that "newspapermen, motion picture operators, and press cameramen began besieging the Hill mansion ... special trains began bringing friends and relatives to the bedside ... Father Thomas J. Gibbons, pastor of the St. Paul Cathedral and vicar general of the St. Paul archdiocese, hastened to the bedside."  The St. Paul Cathedral, in use for services but still under construction at the time of Hill's death, is located about a block away from the James J. Hill mansion.  Most of Hill's immediate family was present when he died. The Mayo Brothers (founders of the Mayo Clinic) arrived from Rochester, MN, but found Hill already deceased.
 
2013-10-14 08:41:06 PM  

Rev. Skarekroe: You know, every time someone needs 'roid advice in TotalFark Discussion the thread gets shot down in seconds.


When I was a TFer, I got banned for a headline that was far less graphic than liverleaf's post. This is one reason they no longer get my money.
 
2013-10-14 08:41:46 PM  

Peki: So much this. My friend had an up-the-butt infection. He went to the ER when he finally stopped being able to evacuate anything, urine or feces. Stuff like that makes you realize how awesome a machine your body is.

I thought the time correlation is interesting. Would it have anything to do with the quality (or lack thereof) that people are eating as a result of the recession?


It might have to do with the time people are parked on the potty playing Candy Crush Saga, or texting or whatever. Sitting on the john has always been a great way to get hemorrhoids and now there's a whole new way to do it besides the Sears catalog.
 
2013-10-14 08:48:59 PM  

Tarkus: Leave Ted Cruz alone!!11


Wasn't going that specific, was thinking of a "but enough about Congress" crack, but... yeah, that about covers it.
 
2013-10-14 08:56:05 PM  
bbsimg.ngfiles.com
 
2013-10-14 09:00:40 PM  
Approves.

launiusr.files.wordpress.com

/link hotter than 3rd base.
 
2013-10-14 09:01:36 PM  
1.bp.blogspot.com
 
2013-10-14 09:13:02 PM  
I like to assume I am almost as amused by scatological topics as Mozart was. Reading about anal fissures is no small exception.

/ass
 
2013-10-14 09:14:23 PM  

Ronin_S: liverleef: I had several internal hemorrhoids treated a few years ago. The doctor said some were the size of golf balls. I have no clue how all of this can fit up my ass but since I cant look up inside there, I have to take his word for it. When he tried to stick the lazer thing up my asshole I almost screamed it hurt so bad. After some investigation he told me that I had an anal fissure. Apparently all the pressure of trying to get poop past enormous hemorrhoids had ripped my bunghole. So he proceeds to tell me that we might can treat this with some sort of cream instead of surgery but this fissure must heal before the lazer treatments can take place.

So i get the ass cream from the pharmacy and smear it on. I also inject it up inside my ass as I was instructed. At first it felt better because it was sorta soothing on my torn butthole. Later it hurt bad, really, really bad. Even worse was the horrible itching. I began to fear that I had a reaction to the stuff that Id been shoving up my asshole. I went back to the doctor and found out that indeed I was allergic and it was the first time they had seen this happen. I dont know how they kept from laughing but I admire them for it. Anyway, he managed to figure out an alternative med and that actually helped. After my butt healed he lazered my ass. Now im fine but I eat plenty of fruits, veggies and whole grains now. And thats all I have to say about that.

Bro?

But seriously, I eat lots of vegetables and fiber but I know hemorrhoids runs in my family. Shortly after reading this article on bathroom posture, I noticed some bleeding and got a cheap stool to prop my feet up on. No problems since.


The veggies, fruit and whole grains are good, but, I've, also, been drinking a cup of kefir each day and any problems I had, have disappeared.   I don't want to sound like some foodie, hipster, douche bag, but I started drinking the stuff after listening to an NPR show, where a doc talked about all the organisms that live in and on us.  He stated that the gut flora and fauna were some of the most important.  I had always blown off the claims about probiotic products as so much advertising BS, but, the NPR show made me rethink all of that.  I started buying an kefir with 12 different kinds of bacteria, figuring that a wide spectrum was better than taking stuff that only contained one or two strains.  The stuff worked in a couple of days.  Everything has been moving along smoothly.  And it's lactose free, since the little ones have eaten all it.
 
2013-10-14 09:20:15 PM  
The fans are already splitting into the Itching and the Burning factions.
 
2013-10-14 09:24:59 PM  
Piles and piles of piles. In the Bible.

the hand of the LORD was against the city with a very great destruction: and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods** in their secret parts. -- 1 Samuel 5:6-7
 
2013-10-14 09:26:11 PM  
Good thing I saw this before releasing my product on Dr. Oz. "The Poopinator BM2," is a Seated Adult Fecal Examination Unit that now clearly needs side arm lighted anal mirrors. I'll have to rework the jingle, "You can rinse it and retain it, microscopically explain it..."
 
2013-10-14 09:46:09 PM  
Next up ITT: The subtle difference between "You're an ass man" and "You're an ass, man".

/and it burns, burns, burns... that ring of fire, that ring of fire
 
2013-10-14 10:08:39 PM  

liverleef: I had several internal hemorrhoids treated a few years ago. The doctor said some were the size of golf balls. I have no clue how all of this can fit up my ass but since I cant look up inside there, I have to take his word for it. When he tried to stick the lazer thing up my asshole I almost screamed it hurt so bad. After some investigation he told me that I had an anal fissure. Apparently all the pressure of trying to get poop past enormous hemorrhoids had ripped my bunghole. So he proceeds to tell me that we might can treat this with some sort of cream instead of surgery but this fissure must heal before the lazer treatments can take place.

So i get the ass cream from the pharmacy and smear it on. I also inject it up inside my ass as I was instructed. At first it felt better because it was sorta soothing on my torn butthole. Later it hurt bad, really, really bad. Even worse was the horrible itching. I began to fear that I had a reaction to the stuff that Id been shoving up my asshole. I went back to the doctor and found out that indeed I was allergic and it was the first time they had seen this happen. I dont know how they kept from laughing but I admire them for it. Anyway, he managed to figure out an alternative med and that actually helped. After my butt healed he lazered my ass. Now im fine but I eat plenty of fruits, veggies and whole grains now. And thats all I have to say about that.


This is perhaps the most hilarious rendition of a bout with the 'roids I have ever read. Not that I've read many or even any. A++ would LOL again.
 
2013-10-14 10:09:42 PM  

Kid Lester: Will he use a shoe to go in there, like boot me in the ass or something?


THEY'RE TEARING THE ASS OUTTA ME


Sir, would you please use the proper terminology.
 
2013-10-14 10:10:06 PM  
31.media.tumblr.com
 
2013-10-14 10:16:24 PM  

caddisfly: I blame the pain meds.  I felt like I was giving birth after my surgery.  Overshare?


I agree with this. Got in a wreck. Got an unreasonable amount of 10/325 norcos. I could not crap to save my life, which kept me from getting hooked on the stuff. As a awesome as they can be ('specially if you take a couple), I decided I'd rather be regular than functionally dopey and unusually pleasant.
 
2013-10-14 10:48:22 PM  
i.ytimg.com
"...Preparation H!"
 
2013-10-14 11:05:36 PM  
1.bp.blogspot.com
 
2013-10-14 11:10:01 PM  

zimbomba63: Ronin_S: liverleef: I had several internal hemorrhoids treated a few years ago. The doctor said some were the size of golf balls. I have no clue how all of this can fit up my ass but since I cant look up inside there, I have to take his word for it. When he tried to stick the lazer thing up my asshole I almost screamed it hurt so bad. After some investigation he told me that I had an anal fissure. Apparently all the pressure of trying to get poop past enormous hemorrhoids had ripped my bunghole. So he proceeds to tell me that we might can treat this with some sort of cream instead of surgery but this fissure must heal before the lazer treatments can take place.

So i get the ass cream from the pharmacy and smear it on. I also inject it up inside my ass as I was instructed. At first it felt better because it was sorta soothing on my torn butthole. Later it hurt bad, really, really bad. Even worse was the horrible itching. I began to fear that I had a reaction to the stuff that Id been shoving up my asshole. I went back to the doctor and found out that indeed I was allergic and it was the first time they had seen this happen. I dont know how they kept from laughing but I admire them for it. Anyway, he managed to figure out an alternative med and that actually helped. After my butt healed he lazered my ass. Now im fine but I eat plenty of fruits, veggies and whole grains now. And thats all I have to say about that.

Bro?

But seriously, I eat lots of vegetables and fiber but I know hemorrhoids runs in my family. Shortly after reading this article on bathroom posture, I noticed some bleeding and got a cheap stool to prop my feet up on. No problems since.

The veggies, fruit and whole grains are good, but, I've, also, been drinking a cup of kefir each day and any problems I had, have disappeared.   I don't want to sound like some foodie, hipster, douche bag, but I started drinking the stuff after listening to an NPR show, where a doc talked about all the organisms that live in and on us.  He stated that the gut flora and fauna were some of the most important.  I had always blown off the claims about probiotic products as so much advertising BS, but, the NPR show made me rethink all of that.  I started buying an kefir with 12 different kinds of bacteria, figuring that a wide spectrum was better than taking stuff that only contained one or two strains.  The stuff worked in a couple of days.  Everything has been moving along smoothly.  And it's lactose free, since the little ones have eaten all it.


Thanks, I'm totally going to buy some of this stuff.
 
2013-10-14 11:31:20 PM  
There is a pause in your life like no other when you first realize you are BLEEDING OUT YOUR ASS.
 
2013-10-14 11:38:39 PM  

Sgygus: There is a pause in your life like no other when you first realize you are BLEEDING OUT YOUR ASS.


th04.deviantart.net
 
2013-10-14 11:57:44 PM  
cdn3.independent.ie

May God strike her down with hemorrhoids, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!
 
2013-10-15 12:05:42 AM  

vudukungfu: Tarkus: Leave Ted Cruz alone!!11

covered.
leaving


God damn it! Exactly what I was going to say. Carry on.
 
2013-10-15 12:37:37 AM  

Lawnchair: I'll believe Americans really care when sales of the Japanese-style toilet seats go up.  $250 at the big Orange, for heated seat and heated water... not nearly as expensive as they were even a couple years ago.  Still gotta get a GFCI power outlet down near the toilet, so that can be a limiting factor.

Seriously, though... worth every stinking penny.


Is that a squat toilet?
 
2013-10-15 12:49:55 AM  

Lawnchair: I'll believe Americans really care when sales of the Japanese-style toilet seats go up.  $250 at the big Orange, for heated seat and heated water... not nearly as expensive as they were even a couple years ago.  Still gotta get a GFCI power outlet down near the toilet, so that can be a limiting factor.

Seriously, though... worth every stinking penny.


Yes, this. If you had shiat on your face would you wipe it off with a paper towel and call it good?
 
2013-10-15 01:26:03 AM  

Sgygus: There is a pause in your life like no other when you first realize you are BLEEDING OUT YOUR ASS.


Or asking yourself "Why is the bowl full of Coca-cola?"


/eat your veggies
 
2013-10-15 03:13:57 AM  
My hemorrhoids are anything but common. In fact they're farking exceptional. For a low low price of only $99.99 per month...
 
2013-10-15 03:18:30 AM  

The One True TheDavid: My hemorrhoids are anything but common. In fact they're farking exceptional. For a low low price of only $99.99 per month...


Finally, someone answered the question "What is an uncommon hemorrhoid then?"
 
2013-10-15 03:21:20 AM  

Contrabulous Flabtraption: Lawnchair: I'll believe Americans really care when sales of the Japanese-style toilet seats go up.  $250 at the big Orange, for heated seat and heated water... not nearly as expensive as they were even a couple years ago.  Still gotta get a GFCI power outlet down near the toilet, so that can be a limiting factor.

Seriously, though... worth every stinking penny.

Yes, this. If you had shiat on your face would you wipe it off with a paper towel and call it good?


Not ordinarily, but otoh, I wear underpants and also a lower garment concealing my nether regions; while my face is out for everyone to see; so if there was fecal material coming out of my mouth on a regular basis I'd need to cover that orifice as diligently as I cover my poop chute. Since there isn't, and since I take care to ensure I don't leave dingleberries like most members of the MALE sex seem to do; there's no need to freak out that merely wiping and flushing isn't doing the job like you anal types seem to fear.
 
2013-10-15 04:31:16 AM  

Mr. Coffee Nerves: Preparation I


Imagine the poor soul who had to test Preparations A through G.
 
2013-10-15 05:29:34 AM  
Americans eat too damn much processed foods and no big corporate food company gives a shiat about natural fiber content. And if the big companies do pay attention, it's almost never using normal sources, but yet more weird processed shortcuts.

What the hell is a Chicory Root? Why did I never hear about anyone using this as a food ingredient until the last five or so years when it suddenly appeared in "New! High Fiber" grain bars?

Whatever it is, it gives me horrible gas. I don't normally have gas problems but I'll put out a cubic foot for every Chicory infested "whole grain" bar I try.


Also, have you heard? The terms "whole grain" and "whole wheat" are basically meaningless. Grains can be fully separated into germ, etc, powdered, mixed back together, whatever, and the result can still be called "whole grain".
 
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