If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Sun Sentinel)   "If you live in Florida, your odds of dying in an extremely bizarre manner are extremely high"   (sun-sentinel.com) divider line 52
    More: Florida, cause of death, fire ants, Naegleria, venomous spiders, Palm Coast  
•       •       •

5542 clicks; posted to Main » on 08 Oct 2013 at 8:21 PM (49 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



52 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

First | « | 1 | 2 | » | Last | Show all
 
2013-10-08 08:08:59 PM
And this, my fellow Farkers, is why we have the tag.
 
2013-10-08 08:24:51 PM
Florida tag trumps Obvious tag!

/Who wins in an international match-up?  Florida, or NSW?
 
2013-10-08 08:28:05 PM
Also, your odds of dying extremely high.
 
2013-10-08 08:29:41 PM
If you're extremely high, your odds of dying in an extremely bizarre manner are in Florida.
 
2013-10-08 08:31:45 PM
No mention of face eating people high off bath salts
 
2013-10-08 08:33:52 PM
...and yet none of these things are really that bizarre or extraordinary.

Where are the stats of crazy people brandishing one of the listed as a weapon?
Stats on vigilante justice?
 
2013-10-08 08:34:45 PM
I blame Carl Hiaasen.
 
2013-10-08 08:37:28 PM

Marcus Aurelius: I blame Carl Hiaasen.


Life imitating art or vice versa?
 
2013-10-08 08:38:14 PM
I've always said this. It's like every living thing in the state is trying to sting you, envenomate you, exsanguinate you, lay its eggs in you, eat you, digest you from without, or just cause pain to you because it's fun.
 
2013-10-08 08:39:19 PM
...that includes the residents.
 
2013-10-08 08:42:35 PM
Hey, at least OJ is gone. That's got to count for something...
 
2013-10-08 08:42:46 PM

drjekel_mrhyde: No mention of face eating people high off bath salts


ummm

#10 "The Florida Man"
Countless headlines come out every day beginning with "Florida man" and ending with some sort of crazy act. Pictured is Rudy Eugene, who was shot dead by police after he stripped naked and devoured parts of a homeless man's face in Miami. Other notable "Florida man" stories include the Florida man who dressed as Iron Man while robbing a bank in Flagler County, another Florida man who threatened to kill President Obama and the Florida police officer who asked women to punch him in the genitals during traffic stops.
 
2013-10-08 08:44:55 PM
Of course the deadliest thing in Florida is your Yankee grandma behind the wheel on her way to the early bird before bingo.
 
2013-10-08 08:45:50 PM

Hector Remarkable: If you're extremely high, your odds of dying in an extremely bizarre manner are in Florida.


If you're extremely bizarre, your odds of dying in an extremely high manner are in Florida.
 
2013-10-08 08:49:22 PM

StrikitRich: Of course the deadliest thing in Florida is your Yankee grandma behind the wheel on her way to the early bird before bingo.


Common problem in Arizona as well. The tuft of blue hair just barely above the steering wheel of a giant Buick. Get away from that as fast as you can.
 
d23 [TotalFark]
2013-10-08 08:59:42 PM

HairBolus: drjekel_mrhyde: No mention of face eating people high off bath salts

ummm

#10 "The Florida Man"
Countless headlines come out every day beginning with "Florida man" and ending with some sort of crazy act. Pictured is Rudy Eugene, who was shot dead by police after he stripped naked and devoured parts of a homeless man's face in Miami. Other notable "Florida man" stories include the Florida man who dressed as Iron Man while robbing a bank in Flagler County, another Florida man who threatened to kill President Obama and the Florida police officer who asked women to punch him in the genitals during traffic stops.


Florida man arrested with truckload of Korans that were covered in lighter fluid.

Florida is a moran magnet.
 
2013-10-08 09:00:37 PM
...and the rest of the country, nay world, applauds you for taking one for the team. So much entertainment value.

/ knocks wood
 
2013-10-08 09:00:42 PM

revrendjim: StrikitRich: Of course the deadliest thing in Florida is your Yankee grandma behind the wheel on her way to the early bird before bingo.

Common problem in Arizona as well. The tuft of blue hair just barely above the steering wheel of a giant Buick. Get away from that as fast as you can.


Hey, my girlfriend drives a CRZ. And she's short, but can see over the wheel just fine.
 
2013-10-08 09:02:25 PM
www.craveonline.com

These guys know a thing or two about bizarre deaths in Florida...
 
2013-10-08 09:02:31 PM

buckler: I've always said this. It's like every living thing in the state is trying to sting you, envenomate you, exsanguinate you, lay its eggs in you, eat you, digest you from without, or just cause pain to you because it's fun.


I made a similar observation after living in Texas for a few years. It's challenging to be an environmentalist when a substantial part of the environment is trying to kill you.

/currently have 4 blisters, the largest over 2cm across, from fire ants on the middle of my damned driveway.
 
2013-10-08 09:02:46 PM
The wife and I both have standing offers to transfer to the Florida offices of our respective employers.... neither one of us wants to be in Florida for longer than a week at a time.  The tag is justified.
 
2013-10-08 09:04:55 PM
I heard the neighborhood watch volunteers are murder
 
2013-10-08 09:08:35 PM

MisterTweak: currently have 4 blisters, the largest over 2cm across, from fire ants on the middle of my damned driveway.


Texas fire ants hurt like hell, and those little bastards are aggressive too.
 
2013-10-08 09:14:27 PM
It's em damn brain ameebers. Tay's wut makes us speshul.
 
2013-10-08 09:21:32 PM
And yet I'm sure Australians see it as a relaxing vacation getaway destination.

\Because they're used to it
\\that's not a flesh eating brain bacteria, THIS is a flesh eating brain bacteria
 
2013-10-08 09:24:50 PM
As someone who recently moved to Florida, I can attest to this. People aren't too bright down here. I think the sun has melted their brain
 
2013-10-08 09:40:44 PM
Lived in Florida nearly all of my life and grew up in the rural areas.

The majority of the dangers are caused by, who else, man. Plowing down hundreds of thousands of acres of wild woods pushed the animals into smaller concentrations, forcing them into closer proximity with people. Folks stampeding to the beaches was like a dinner bell for sharks, especially as global warming and massive commercial over fishing started pushing them closer to shore.

After all, the near off shore waters are rich with scents of food, since humans dump the majority of their sewage, treated and untreated, into the sea and most city storm systems dump directly into ditches which dump into the sea, taking everything picked up off the streets along the way.

The Lionfish is fairly new. Caught my first in a net roughly 30 years ago by a bridge. Pretty fish and small, but touch those fins and you'll start looking for an ax to chop your hand off.

We alway had a bunch of Puffer Fish available, but they were amusing and no one considered eating them. (As kids, we'd play with them as they puffed up into a defensive ball and bobbed on the water.)

As a kid, we had no major gator problem. When the gators became protected, within a decade, we had a problem. As soon as folks decided to farm them, releasing a portion back into the wild, selling meats and hides, the population exploded to pre-endangered levels and they show up everywhere there happens to be even a mud puddle.

Course, it doesn't help that folks pouring into the state has jeopardized the ground water -- requiring the local government to encourage the creation of salvage ponds in strip malls, housing developments and any large business area over a certain size.

Basically, man made lakes to encourage ran water to filter back into the ground. Gators and other nasty swamp critters find they're just great to live in, meaning that $250,000 house you just bought, backed up against that nice rectangular lake will more than likely host a gator or two under 7 feet long.

Not wise to let small pets out unattended. Especially little dogs. During the rainy season, you might want to look first before opening the door and stepping out into your back yard.

We have gators, walking catfish, Cotton Mouth Water Moccasins and the pretty but deadly Coral snake which can greet you.

Now, we also have two different types of rather irritable lizards that grow to big size, brought in by sheer idiots who saw them on TV and in comic strips as pets. The Iguana and the Monitor Lizard. Both are cute when small. Both get big. The iguana can kill little dogs and cats, feast on ground nesting birds and lurk in the shrubbery. Their tail is used as a whip, which, when they get big, can cause a painful strike.

The Monitor lizard doesn't stay small. It gets big. Bigger than the Iguana. It bites. It will charge. It can weigh up to 50 lbs and more. (A nickelodeon TV kid show has one as a pet for the kids. You wouldn't want to do that in real life.)

Need I mention the huge snakes brought in by the abysmally poor US import laws for exotic animals? Florida is like their natural habitat. Morons sell them to other idiots who when they get too big and troublesome, turn them loose in the swampy wilds.

In Southern Florida, along the Everglades National Park (a huge swamp) people now dump off unwanted dogs and cats. They think they'll thrive in the wild. Dumping them at any animal shelter might get them killed if not adopted after a time. However, the park is full of gators and these big snakes. The small dogs get eaten first. As pets, they don't have the instincts to be alert for danger.

The Rangers are forever rescuing them by the score, but even more die. People dumping them off would be more merciful to just shoot them instead of letting them starve out there for a week or so and eventually become gator or snake food.

Death by snake or gator for a pet is NOT quick and painless. Both crush and break bones. One drowns the prey. One suffocates it.

Plus, in the Glades, there's about 100 other ways for a pet to die miserably. You're not being kind to them by dumping them off there.

Other folks have brought us Piranha for our streams, the wildly growing and poisonous Brazilian Pepper Tree AKA 'Florida Holly'. (When that thing blooms, get the hell away from it because it will attract every stinging, flying nasty insect for miles.) We have Snake Heads popping up. Our canals have been plugged with the African Lilly Plant someone brought in because it's pretty, imported Malaluca (paper bark) trees grow wildly in the wetlands, sucking the swamps dry.

Kudzu from Georgia, itself a foreign import, has reached Florida.

Plus the state is insect heaven. Including Killer Bees and Fire Ants. We also have huge grasshoppers, in bright colors, bigger than your hand and they look and feel like they're made from plastic. I don't know where they came from.
The state is heavily developed which is causing major problems with the delicate ecosystem. Sink holes pop up because too many people draw out too much ground water.

We're the lightening capitol of the world -- and increasing the density of the population just gives the sky better targets. We are also in Hurricane Row. Over development has cause major changes in the lay of the land, meaning increased flooding. Many more folks insist on living along the beaches, where hurricanes come ashore, dragging massive storm surges with them that knock down buildings.

We get the occasional bull shark, which can tolerate fresh water and has been known to swim miles up a fresh water creek or river. That's OK because our gators can tolerate brackish water, meaning they also can be found around beaches near the mouths of freshwater canals or rivers that dump into the sea.

The common denominator in all of this?

People. They screw everything up in the long run.
 
2013-10-08 09:45:15 PM

StrikitRich: Of course the deadliest thing in Florida is your Yankee grandma behind the wheel on her way to the early bird before bingo.


How can we include Judaism in this? It seems apt, as Florida is like a Mecca for retired Jewish people.
 
2013-10-08 09:47:05 PM

DundieAwardWinner: These guys know a thing or two about bizarre deaths in Florida...


I miss that show. But really the last season was downhill from the premiere. At least it ended on a fairly positive--and interesting--note.
 
2013-10-08 10:00:10 PM

Rik01: The common denominator in all of this?

People


I've lived in FL most of my life as well, and it's really only the people I find intolerable (Not all the people, let's go with 60% of them are awful). Otherwise, I love FL.
 
2013-10-08 10:07:23 PM

MayoSlather: MisterTweak: currently have 4 blisters, the largest over 2cm across, from fire ants on the middle of my damned driveway.

Texas fire ants hurt like hell, and those little bastards are aggressive too.


Fire ants were one of my first introductions to Florida.
 
2013-10-08 10:07:58 PM
Author forgot about the panthers and bears.
 
2013-10-08 10:26:10 PM

MayoSlather: MisterTweak: currently have 4 blisters, the largest over 2cm across, from fire ants on the middle of my damned driveway.

Texas fire ants hurt like hell, and those little bastards are aggressive too.


Well, they're gone from the Houston area, and I can't say I miss the little bastards.
 
2013-10-08 10:42:49 PM
Does Florida induced homicidal rage count as well.  IT'S CALLED A TURN SIGNAL.  The concept of waiting your turn in line? Doesn't exist.  Allowing people to merge on the on-ramp? No, I'm going to speed up to make that not happen.  Indoor voices? Non-existent.  Oh, you're rude because I don't know Spanish, even when I'm completely tolerant and non-judgement to your reluctance to learn our language? My bad. Picking up my dog's shiat despite all of Miami Beach reeking of it? Not my problem! 2 people in line at McDonalds? Enjoy your incorrect order 20 minutes later, along with the smell of homeless people we make no effort to remove from harassing customers with their panhandling and odor.  Doing it outside, that's fine I'll look the other way.  I just...want...it...to...end.  2 more months and I can escape the tip of America's wang.
 
2013-10-08 10:59:14 PM
Did a Burmese Python swallow the Obvious tag?
 
2013-10-08 11:18:25 PM

fusillade762: And this, my fellow Farkers, is why we have the tag.


Done in one.
 
2013-10-08 11:34:30 PM
Merely living in Florida is extremely bizarre.
 
2013-10-08 11:36:18 PM

buckler: I've always said this. It's like every living thing in the state is trying to sting you, envenomate you, exsanguinate you, lay its eggs in you, eat you, digest you from without, or just cause pain to you because it's fun.


And that's before Tallahassee can get their grubby mitts on you.
 
2013-10-08 11:48:35 PM
For God's sake, they have amoebas that eat your brain. YOUR BRAIN.
 
2013-10-08 11:53:38 PM

simplicimus: MayoSlather: MisterTweak: currently have 4 blisters, the largest over 2cm across, from fire ants on the middle of my damned driveway.

Texas fire ants hurt like hell, and those little bastards are aggressive too.

Well, they're gone from the Houston area, and I can't say I miss the little bastards.


They're all females, anyway.
 
2013-10-09 12:00:08 AM
I spent a good bit of time on the coast of Florida in my youth, and I always had this sense, this gut feeling, that Cthulu was actually out there slumbering in the gulf.

All the crazy that comes out of Florida makes me think that maybe it wasn't just my imagination.
 
2013-10-09 12:28:53 AM
farm4.staticflickr.com
 
2013-10-09 12:34:04 AM
They forgot Panthers....and stingrays.
 
2013-10-09 12:46:12 AM
i758.photobucket.com
 
2013-10-09 01:43:09 AM
You could go to a J'ville Jaguars game and die of boredom.
 
2013-10-09 01:53:45 AM
I've spent most of my life in Florida and I'm shocked I haven't shown up as a Fark headline yet. Someone else will have to write that one
 
2013-10-09 02:29:55 AM
But where else can you get "fresh baby goat" at a grocery? (First time I saw that I thought it was a pet store)
 
2013-10-09 02:35:33 AM
I live in Florida. I scuba dive a lot, ride my bicycle at night and play golf on courses that occasionally have gator cages/traps set up. So maybe I will make Fark one day.
 
2013-10-09 05:26:54 AM

MayoSlather: Rik01: The common denominator in all of this?

People

I've lived in FL most of my life as well, and it's really only the people I find intolerable (Not all the people, let's go with 60% of them are awful). Otherwise, I love FL.


I was the only family member born in FL, and it shows sometimes (most are from Washington, Oregon, and Tennessee). Hated FL, hated it with a passion. Your %60 estimate is accurate, possibly erring on the conservative side, and there's nothing to do in the state unless you like beaches, clubs and drugs.

Want to play a tough physical sport? Too hot and humid. Want to go for a hike? The trails are flat and loaded with hand-sized banana spiders (albeit harmless orb weavers), that tend to hover at eye level and are almost invisible until latched onto your face. Want to go fishing? I've hooked more water gators and water moccasins than fish (4, 8, and 3, respectively). Want to do anything else the state has to offer? Prepare to empty your savings account.

fark that place.
 
2013-10-09 05:27:52 AM
Wtf is a "water gator"? Need coffee.
 
Displayed 50 of 52 comments

First | « | 1 | 2 | » | Last | Show all

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


This thread is closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »






Report