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(ESPN)   Which team ponied up to #1 this week, and which cat is sucking worse than Duke? Let's find out in this week's ESPN NFL Power Rankings   (espn.go.com) divider line 16
    More: Spiffy, ESPN NFL Power Rankings, ESPN NFL, Jimmy Graham, Derrick Mason, T.Y. Hilton, away games, Ashley Fox, Leon Hall  
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2470 clicks; posted to Sports » on 08 Oct 2013 at 4:11 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-10-08 06:36:12 PM  
4 votes:
Friends,

We are gathered here today to celebrate a remarkable achievement.   An achievement remarkable, perhaps, in how it slipped away from all of our eyesight.  This was a victory gained in the shadows, an accomplishment entirely notable now that wasn't noted at all while it was taking place.

Maybe the greatest win notched this week was in how we all played a part in finally answering the question, "If a quarterback sucks when no one is there to see it, did the suck really take place?"

The answer?


i63.photobucket.com

Oh, it definitely farking does.

Week 5 in the NFL typically answers quite a few questions, and this year's version was no different.  Just over a month into the year, it can be seen which teams are for real, which are posers, which are the Atlanta Falcons.

In 2013?

Matt Schaub's forgotten the object of football.  The Packers and Niners look to be lying in wait for a big push late in the season.  The greatest and bestest team in the history of football's sprung a leak on defense and as for the beneficiary of said leak, well...


www.dhbrownsports.com

Antonio is always lurking.

Always.

So what of this week's victor, what of this week's champion who saw a slate of leaders who could easily be taken, quickly be overcome, and thought, "That biatch is MINE?"  Well, he certainly knows a little bit about being dubbed far better than reality would show, doesn't he?


25.media.tumblr.com

Oh sure, he has plenty of experience with sportswriters overcome with nonsensical ramblings about yardage numbers without thought of when they were recorded or what the score was at the time, being drenched with drool at the thought of a revolutionary new take on the position.  And yes, certain voices - incredibly intelligent and wildly brave voices, natch - spoke up against the foolishness they heard and foretold the future that would soon arrive, replete with turnovers aplenty and losses by the bucketful caused by that same awful decision making process mentioned by those lionhearted outsiders.

Those factors all came into play this week, all while the nation's eyes were watching the megascreens at JerryWorld and struggling not to have seizures immediately thereafter.  The carrot cake option contained two teams battling to remain relevant in the playoff chase this season, a victory or loss for each side already so important in this still young football season.  The winner's dreams of the tournament would stay viable, the loser sinking further into the sub-.500 abyss, and to that objective two gunslingers not unfamiliar to the pages of this ceremony would step.

Step immediately to it one did, but not the one being feted today.  Instead, it seemed as though Carson Palmer, forever the bridesmaid, might finally be able to step into the sunlight and grab what has seemed to be his on countless occasions previous.  A quick interception recorded a little over two minutes into the contest gave a sudden 16.7 score to the Arizona starter, and our man knew he'd have to work quick to overcome his opponent.

Instead, the job became a slog.  The farkups dueling in the darkness of a near total media blackout went to halftime tied at 16.7 a piece, only one pick per person.  The break came and went, possessions were traded, and still the deadlock continued.  The bullshiat in Washington thought they had some sort of a "shutdown," hah - this is serious business, and it seemed as though we happy few were cruising for some sort of nightmare 50.0 tiebreaker.

At once, the clouds seemed to part and a golden opportunity was at hand.  This week's hero was backed up against his own end zone, and it was blatantly obvious what to do.  One short play later, we could dance if we wanted to, we could leave our friends behind.  Because if they don't dance and if they don't dance, well, they're no friends of mine.

"Yes," this gunslinger thought as he landed with a thud in his own endzone, "finally it's all going my way!  This is only the beginning, let this flameout match THAT!"

Three minutes later, Palmer answered with a smirk and a "scoreboard," another pass to a Panther resulting in a 33.3 lighting up the numbers.  The fourth quarter began, and it seemed as if all might truly be lost.

One play into that final frame, though?  As quick as lightning, an interception tied it back up.  Some punts later?  Sack fumble.  An Arizona touchdown later?  Pick and a motherfarking victory formation for the Cardinals.  While the Cards offense might make Larry Fitzgerald think his pistol looks awfully sexy week after week, a solid defense flying under the radar made our champion's throws fly directly to them.

3 turnovers in 13 minutes, add it together with the first half pick, and what do you have?


i63.photobucket.com

You're  - well, take it away, Walt.

i63.photobucket.com

For showing us what's possible in the dark, for making the winner clear cut after it seemed like it wouldn't be, for recording a 66.7 against the Arizona Cardinals when much of America couldn't care less, I am proud to present The Jake for Week 5 of the 2013 NFL season to Cam Newton of the Carolina Panthers.

i63.photobucket.com

Anything to add, Cam?

cdn.bleacherreport.net

Do you, baby.  More trophies await, Best in the World.
2013-10-08 02:56:30 PM  
3 votes:
Well, that was a high profile moment of stupidity on my part.
2013-10-08 05:36:29 PM  
2 votes:

Super Chronic: In a year that the Redskins were good.  Not happening.


So true, sadly.
2013-10-08 05:34:19 PM  
2 votes:

mikaloyd: pfhobia: It is still ridiculous that they put up 48 points and still had to run the 2-minute drill. Absolutely unbelievable.

Donkey fans should be thinking the same thing and looking at something, ANYTHING to improve their D before playoffs start. If KC can hold Enver to 30 points they have a shot at beating them.


I found an idea for improving a D:
img.photobucket.com
2013-10-08 04:42:24 PM  
2 votes:

ariseatex: neuroflare: I just noticed the graf says "TEN Midgets"

I find that amusing

Ooh, in December are you gonna change it to "TEN lords a leaping",  Di?


NINE Chin-Pubes Dangling
ATE with JaMarcus
SEVEN Peyton touchdowns
SIX points for Brady
FIVE PICK-SIXES FOR SCHAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUB
2013-10-08 06:37:17 PM  
1 votes:
And the Dolphins are back in Mediocristan.  Sigh.  Well, it's a better place than I expected at this point.
2013-10-08 06:13:15 PM  
1 votes:
This is the best cure for an ailing defense:


api.thescore.com.production.s3.amazonaws.com
2013-10-08 06:04:07 PM  
1 votes:
This is Di whenever someone criticizes Romo
cdn01.cdnwp.thefrisky.com
2013-10-08 05:52:38 PM  
1 votes:

Di Atribe: Super Chronic: I didn't want to bait you by invoking His name.

I appreciate that. You're a good friend.


I, on the other hand, am an asshole.
img.photobucket.com
2013-10-08 05:47:10 PM  
1 votes:

mikaloyd: If the Falcons did trade Gonzalez, and they wont, Id like to see him retire going into the playoffs as a Chief. Which is a hard thing to say for a Raiders fan. Fark the Chefs in their eggholes but Gonzo has always been a great player, will always be a chef to me, and he deserves a better swansong than that hot mess in Atlanta can give him.


Wow, Mikaloyd and I agree on something. We had a good run folks, nice knowing y'all!
revlu.com
2013-10-08 05:22:03 PM  
1 votes:

ariseatex: [farm4.staticflickr.com image 200x150]

Ben Roethlisberger has been sacked 15 times in his first four games, tying his 2008 Super Bowl season for his career high. Something just seems different this time, though.


i.huffpost.com
2013-10-08 05:19:17 PM  
1 votes:

Di Atribe: mikaloyd: Also for the Chargers Graf name I submit Sandy Eggholes

Holes? What are eggholes? I like where we're going with this, though.


Say Sandy Egghole out loud slowly
2013-10-08 04:36:41 PM  
1 votes:
farm4.staticflickr.com

Ben Roethlisberger has been sacked 15 times in his first four games, tying his 2008 Super Bowl season for his career high. Something just seems different this time, though.
2013-10-08 04:31:08 PM  
1 votes:

Le Grand Inquisitor: ESPN is full of haters. No respect for the Niners after they have now smacked around 2 teams, 2 weeks in a row! These power rankings are garbage anyway and anyone who tried to use them to create some kind of narrative is delusional.


*looks at rankings again*

*notices the Niners are the highest-ranked team with two losses on the season*

farm6.staticflickr.com
2013-10-08 02:55:55 PM  
1 votes:
i182.photobucket.com
2013-10-08 01:34:56 PM  
1 votes:
For the SECOND week in a row, the #1 team in the NFL is...

THE DENVER BRONCOS!!! :D

i1182.photobucket.com
 
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