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(ESPN)   Which team ponied up to #1 this week, and which cat is sucking worse than Duke? Let's find out in this week's ESPN NFL Power Rankings   (espn.go.com ) divider line
    More: Spiffy, ESPN NFL Power Rankings, ESPN NFL, Jimmy Graham, Derrick Mason, T.Y. Hilton, away games, Ashley Fox, Leon Hall  
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2488 clicks; posted to Sports » on 08 Oct 2013 at 4:11 PM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Smartest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-10-08 06:36:12 PM  
3 votes:
Friends,

We are gathered here today to celebrate a remarkable achievement.   An achievement remarkable, perhaps, in how it slipped away from all of our eyesight.  This was a victory gained in the shadows, an accomplishment entirely notable now that wasn't noted at all while it was taking place.

Maybe the greatest win notched this week was in how we all played a part in finally answering the question, "If a quarterback sucks when no one is there to see it, did the suck really take place?"

The answer?


i63.photobucket.com

Oh, it definitely farking does.

Week 5 in the NFL typically answers quite a few questions, and this year's version was no different.  Just over a month into the year, it can be seen which teams are for real, which are posers, which are the Atlanta Falcons.

In 2013?

Matt Schaub's forgotten the object of football.  The Packers and Niners look to be lying in wait for a big push late in the season.  The greatest and bestest team in the history of football's sprung a leak on defense and as for the beneficiary of said leak, well...


www.dhbrownsports.com

Antonio is always lurking.

Always.

So what of this week's victor, what of this week's champion who saw a slate of leaders who could easily be taken, quickly be overcome, and thought, "That biatch is MINE?"  Well, he certainly knows a little bit about being dubbed far better than reality would show, doesn't he?


25.media.tumblr.com

Oh sure, he has plenty of experience with sportswriters overcome with nonsensical ramblings about yardage numbers without thought of when they were recorded or what the score was at the time, being drenched with drool at the thought of a revolutionary new take on the position.  And yes, certain voices - incredibly intelligent and wildly brave voices, natch - spoke up against the foolishness they heard and foretold the future that would soon arrive, replete with turnovers aplenty and losses by the bucketful caused by that same awful decision making process mentioned by those lionhearted outsiders.

Those factors all came into play this week, all while the nation's eyes were watching the megascreens at JerryWorld and struggling not to have seizures immediately thereafter.  The carrot cake option contained two teams battling to remain relevant in the playoff chase this season, a victory or loss for each side already so important in this still young football season.  The winner's dreams of the tournament would stay viable, the loser sinking further into the sub-.500 abyss, and to that objective two gunslingers not unfamiliar to the pages of this ceremony would step.

Step immediately to it one did, but not the one being feted today.  Instead, it seemed as though Carson Palmer, forever the bridesmaid, might finally be able to step into the sunlight and grab what has seemed to be his on countless occasions previous.  A quick interception recorded a little over two minutes into the contest gave a sudden 16.7 score to the Arizona starter, and our man knew he'd have to work quick to overcome his opponent.

Instead, the job became a slog.  The farkups dueling in the darkness of a near total media blackout went to halftime tied at 16.7 a piece, only one pick per person.  The break came and went, possessions were traded, and still the deadlock continued.  The bullshiat in Washington thought they had some sort of a "shutdown," hah - this is serious business, and it seemed as though we happy few were cruising for some sort of nightmare 50.0 tiebreaker.

At once, the clouds seemed to part and a golden opportunity was at hand.  This week's hero was backed up against his own end zone, and it was blatantly obvious what to do.  One short play later, we could dance if we wanted to, we could leave our friends behind.  Because if they don't dance and if they don't dance, well, they're no friends of mine.

"Yes," this gunslinger thought as he landed with a thud in his own endzone, "finally it's all going my way!  This is only the beginning, let this flameout match THAT!"

Three minutes later, Palmer answered with a smirk and a "scoreboard," another pass to a Panther resulting in a 33.3 lighting up the numbers.  The fourth quarter began, and it seemed as if all might truly be lost.

One play into that final frame, though?  As quick as lightning, an interception tied it back up.  Some punts later?  Sack fumble.  An Arizona touchdown later?  Pick and a motherfarking victory formation for the Cardinals.  While the Cards offense might make Larry Fitzgerald think his pistol looks awfully sexy week after week, a solid defense flying under the radar made our champion's throws fly directly to them.

3 turnovers in 13 minutes, add it together with the first half pick, and what do you have?


i63.photobucket.com

You're  - well, take it away, Walt.

i63.photobucket.com

For showing us what's possible in the dark, for making the winner clear cut after it seemed like it wouldn't be, for recording a 66.7 against the Arizona Cardinals when much of America couldn't care less, I am proud to present The Jake for Week 5 of the 2013 NFL season to Cam Newton of the Carolina Panthers.

i63.photobucket.com

Anything to add, Cam?

cdn.bleacherreport.net

Do you, baby.  More trophies await, Best in the World.
2013-10-08 03:03:25 PM  
3 votes:

Di Atribe: neuroflare: I wish my Romo headline wasn't redlit so fast. It's almost quality trolling.

Why do you hate me? I thought we were pals. :(


To be fair, Romo played the game of his life.  Anybody even biatches about that pick needs to have their balls cut off; that was a helluva play by the linebacker.
2013-10-08 05:37:17 PM  
2 votes:

Nabb1: But in the end, this is not fantasy football, and his interception was perhaps the critical difference in the outcome of the game.


No.  The critical difference in the game was a defense that forced zero punts and allowed 51 points.  Romo's goof gave the Broncos 3 points.  Three.  That's it.  If you have a game where interceptions lead to three points against you, and your TD/INT ratio is 5/1 for over 500 yards and 48 points, that quarterback is golden for the day.

Romo has flaws.  Bad ones, and I'm not often a defender of him.  But he was golden on Sunday.  If your offense puts up 48 points in the NFL, you're not to be blamed.  EVER.  100% of the problem Sunday was the defense.

And people, please, give up on the "clutch" argument.  It's BS.  It's always been BS.  It's statistically and objectively crap, and is just used as narrative fodder for the bobblehead blowhards at ESPN.  Don't feed the trolls.
2013-10-08 03:11:35 PM  
2 votes:

Rwa2play: Di Atribe: neuroflare: I wish my Romo headline wasn't redlit so fast. It's almost quality trolling.

Why do you hate me? I thought we were pals. :(

To be fair, Romo played the game of his life.  Anybody even biatches about that pick needs to have their balls cut off; that was a helluva play by the linebacker.


I don't particularly care for Romo but when a QB is putting up those ridiculous stats and still loses the game, it is all on their defense.
2013-10-08 02:51:22 PM  
2 votes:
TOP THREE for the next week until they inexplicably lose to Oakland

assets.huluim.com
2013-10-08 07:13:23 PM  
1 vote:

Di Atribe: dywed88: Unfortunately Romo picked a really bad time to throw a pick.

OK what I'm gonna need you to do here, is stop acting like I don't know that. I am aware that the timing of his mistake was very bad. However, I think a lot of people are overlooking a multitude of things that went on in that game. I know it's going to get attention. But I expect a LOT more honesty out of fark sports-tab fans.

The average chucklehead on facebook? Sure, I expect stupid memes & "herp derp Romo does it again." But from this crowd? No way. We are cool. We even have matching tattoos & leather jackets. And we know some football, dammit.


Last weeks greenlight was somewhat prescient....

http://www.fark.com/comments/7961200/Rather-than-waiting-until-after -t hrowing-a-game-killing-INT-to-make-excuses-Tony-Romo-has-decided-to-go -ahead-start-complaining-now
2013-10-08 06:29:23 PM  
1 vote:

eddievercetti: This is Di whenever someone criticizes Romo
[cdn01.cdnwp.thefrisky.com image 400x300]


dunno, i think anybody who outplays Peyton in his record-breaking year deserves a week free of criticism, win or lose
2013-10-08 06:00:16 PM  
1 vote:
Romo (coming from a Cowboys fan) is simply an average quarterback. Even when watching the game when the Cowboys got the ball back at the end of the 4th quarter I said to myself, "watch Romo blow this one with an obligatory interception." Next play, yup, a game losing interception. He does it all the damn time and has earned the reputation for blowing games in the final few minutes, because, well he blows games in the final few minutes.

The guy just cracks under pressure all the damn time when a game is on the line.

Oh well, at least the Cowboys are tied for first in the division.
2013-10-08 05:28:46 PM  
1 vote:

Di Atribe: Nabb1: And I think Romo is a very good NFL quarterback. But what separates him from elite status is that he seems not to rise to the occasions in situations like this.

Yes, he does. He does it all the time. But people don't pay attention when he does it. He has the highest 4TH quarter passer rating in the league. Is that some sort of accident? No. It just doesn't make SportsCenter when he comes through. And you, as a fan of another team, have no reason to take note of it when he doesn't fark it up.


Well, maybe it's not fair, but Romo has done that enough to have that reputation. Payton Manning was largely considered a guy who couldn't win when it counted most as a college QB because he could never get past Spurrier's Florida while carving his name all over the record books. Until he comes up big in a big game and by that I mean deep in the playoffs or in a game like this and not against a bad Redskins team, it will stick with him.
2013-10-08 05:22:32 PM  
1 vote:

Super Chronic: Super Chronic: So, do the Falcons do Tony Gonzalez a solid and trade him in midseason?

And I looked around to see if I'm the only one who's thought of that.  Apparently not: http://m.tmi.me/1akkej

But I don't believe him.


In my totally unbiased opinion, Atlanta should send Gonzales over to the Saints for his chance at a Superbowl.  A 2 TE formation with Graham and Gonzales would be near unstoppable.
2013-10-08 04:58:58 PM  
1 vote:

And now, it's the time for the thing in the thread that absolutely no one gives two shiats about:


img.photobucket.com

FARKISTAN EXTREME ELIMINATOR CHALLENGE

After starting with 54 players, we were down to  15 coming in to week 5. After all those games shook out, we are now down to  9 players remaining. Of the  4 eliminated this week:

All of them picked the  Falcons to beat the Jets, so say goodbye to:

Sim42 - might I suggest Sim4 is a more accurate prediction of your prognostication abilities?
IAmRightSucksMyBalls - Well, back to your odd fetish with notorious Seahawks fans
DamnYankess - Like their namesake, also done by October
mischlep - I have nothing to say

That makes the official Farkistan Eliminator NFL player of the week  Geno Smith of the New York Jets

Of the nifty  9 remaining players:
6 picked the  Rams over the Jaguars:

balfourk
ToughStuff2
wjllope's WAGs
Glockenspiel Hero
Pie is double yummy
neuroflare

1 picked the  Packers over the Lions:
Daedalus27

1 picked the  Chiefs over the Titans
Senorbenedict

And  1 incredibly witty, debonair and general God-like being picked the  49ers over the Texans:
LucklessWonder

That's all from the game where even Bunny Deville we tell you the key to victory is picking against the Jagwaggers.
See you in the next NFL power rankings thread, and remember:

www.anime.comDON'T! GET! ELIMINATED!



/Really wish I hadn't already used the Broncos
2013-10-08 04:58:08 PM  
1 vote:

pfhobia: Rwa2play: Di Atribe: neuroflare: I wish my Romo headline wasn't redlit so fast. It's almost quality trolling.

Why do you hate me? I thought we were pals. :(

To be fair, Romo played the game of his life.  Anybody even biatches about that pick needs to have their balls cut off; that was a helluva play by the linebacker.

Blame where blame is due: He threw into triple coverage. The pick is entirely on him.

Credit where credit is due: He had a great game. Probably the best game of his life. And if their defense had made two stops in the entire game, they would have won. The loss is not on Romo. It was a team effort led by the defense.


This is all true. And I think Romo is a very good NFL quarterback. But what separates him from elite status is that he seems not to rise to the occasions in situations like this. Yes, he had a monster game, but at the pivotal moment, with two minutes left in a tie game against a superior opponent on national TV, playing at home, with a chance to engineer one last game winning drive, he throws a pick deep in his own territory. If you want to focus on the game' statistics, they are rightly admirable. But in the end, this is not fantasy football, and his interception was perhaps the critical difference in the outcome of the game.
2013-10-08 04:55:58 PM  
1 vote:
cowboysblog.dallasnews.com
2013-10-08 04:52:54 PM  
1 vote:

Rwa2play: Di Atribe: neuroflare: I wish my Romo headline wasn't redlit so fast. It's almost quality trolling.

Why do you hate me? I thought we were pals. :(

To be fair, Romo played the game of his life.  Anybody even biatches about that pick needs to have their balls cut off; that was a helluva play by the linebacker.


Blame where blame is due: He threw into triple coverage. The pick is entirely on him.

Credit where credit is due: He had a great game. Probably the best game of his life. And if their defense had made two stops in the entire game, they would have won. The loss is not on Romo. It was a team effort led by the defense.
2013-10-08 04:24:43 PM  
1 vote:
All right, we're green.  I finally have a place to post this week's BCS-style computer rankings.  Now WHAR JAKE WHAR?

Top Tier
1. New Orleans Saints (4.93-0.07)
2. Denver Broncos (4.59-0.41)
Very High Tier
3. Kansas City Chiefs (4.29-0.71)
4. Indianapolis Colts (4.11-0.89)
5. Seattle Seahawks (3.86-1.14)
High Tier
6. New England Patriots (3.73-1.27)
7. Miami Dolphins (3.69-1.31)
8. Baltimore Ravens (3.52-1.48)
9. San Francisco 49ers (3.30-1.70)
10. Cleveland Browns (3.17-1.83)
Upper Mid Tier
11. Cincinnati Bengals (3.00-2.00)
12. Chicago Bears (2.93-2.07)
13. Tennessee Titans (2.86-2.14)
14. Arizona Cardinals (2.85-2.15)
15. New York Jets (2.84-2.16)
16. Detroit Lions (2.74-2.26)
17. Green Bay Packers (2.03-1.97)
Lower Mid Tier
18. Houston Texans (2.41-2.59)
19. Buffalo Bills (2.28-2.72)
20. Dallas Cowboys (2.01-2.99)
21. Oakland Raiders (1.96-3.04)
22. Philadelphia Eagles (1.94-3.06)
Low Tier
23. San Diego Chargers (1.81-3.19)
24. St. Louis Rams (1.68-3.32)
25. Atlanta Falcons (1.63-3.37)
Very Low Tier
26. Carolina Panthers (0.89-3.11)
27. Washington Redskins (0.88-3.12)
28. Minnesota Vikings (0.86-3.14)
29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0.62-3.38)
Bottom Tier
30. Jacksonville Jaguars (0.49-4.51)
31. New York Giants (0.22-4.78)
32. Pittsburgh Steelers (-0.01-4.01)
2013-10-08 04:23:30 PM  
1 vote:
I only have 2 thoughts to share:

1)  Get well soon, Megatron!  For the love of all that is holy, get well soon!

2)  With the Flyers firing their head coach, Chip Kelly is now the longest tenured head coach amongst Philadelphia's four major professional sports teams
2013-10-08 03:59:50 PM  
1 vote:
Julio Jones is out for the year. The Falcons are done.
2013-10-08 03:53:47 PM  
1 vote:
The FALCONS are too danmed HIGH!
2013-10-08 03:44:23 PM  
1 vote:

HERE'S YER GRAF now quit yer whinnying

i27.photobucket.com


Hm, nyess, if you listen closely enough, you can almost hear the whistle of the Giants falling rapidly through the atmosphere. Oh how the mighty have fallen. And check out those Chieftains, eh? They're gonna get altitude sickness from ascending so quickly. Good jorb, you lovable rascals.

Stupid metastats no one cares about except for me and exactly one other person:

Change from Week 1 to this week:
One 20 point drop:Falcons
One16 point jump: Chiefs

One team is right back where they started: Patriots

Change from last week to this week:
Two 6 point drops:Falcons & Dolphins
One 6 point jump: Eagles. Really?

Five teams did not change rank

Number of times rankings have changed:
1 team has changed once: Jaguars
13 teams have changed 5 times (max). Down from 16 teams last week who had moved the maximum number of times

Difference between high rank & low rank:
Lowest fluctuation:Jaguars, Broncos, & Patriots with 3
Highest fluctuation:Falcons with 20
Average fluctuation is 10.03

Most spots traveled:
Eagles with 28

Teams hitting their highest rank this week:Colts, Saints, Chiefs, Browns, & Raiders
Teams hitting their lowest rank this week:Seahawks, Falcons, Texans, Giants, & Vikings


Three teams have held the #1 spot: Seahawks, 49ers, & Broncos
2013-10-08 03:16:38 PM  
1 vote:
I'm loving seeing the Saints bounce back this year.  It's even better that it only took five games to get a four game lead in the division.

I'm just wondering how many armored trucks filled with gold bars it's going to take to resign Graham.  On Sunday, Brees to Graham was 10-for-10 for 135 yards.  What is even more impressive is that it's not just short routes, he is burning defenses deep.  If he has a linebacker on him he just runs right past them.  If he has a corner or safety on him, he just posts up and overpowers them on jump balls.

He's not just the #1 TE.  He's leading all receivers in catches and yards.
2013-10-08 03:12:51 PM  
1 vote:
And now, the moment none of you have been waiting for: Week 6 FARK/FAIL system results

1 New Orleans (2)
2 Denver (1)
3 Kansas City (3)
4 Seattle (5)
5 Indianapolis (4)
6 New England (6)
7 Baltimore (9)
8 Cleveland (16)
9 Tennessee (14)
10 Arizona (19)
11 Cincinnati (8)
12 Miami (13)
13 San Francisco (7)
14 Green Bay (11)
15 Chicago (12)
16 New York Jets (18)
17 Detroit (12)
18 San Diego (20)
19 Dallas (15)
20 Buffalo (23)
21 Oakland (24)
22 Philadelphia 21)
23 Houston (17)
24 Minnesota (28)
25 Carolina (26)
26 Atlanta (22)
27 Washington (27)
28 St. Louis (25)
29 Tampa Bay (30)
30 Pittsburgh (29)
31 Jacksonville (32)
32 New York Giants (31)

Parentheses are ESPN's ranks

The 49ers and Texans Are Too Damn High: -6 compared to ESPN
The Cardinals Are Too Damn Low: +9 compared to ESPN
 
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