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(The Onion)   What the government shutdown means for you   (theonion.com) divider line 143
    More: Followup, government shutdown  
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16016 clicks; posted to Main » on 01 Oct 2013 at 9:33 AM (29 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



143 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2013-10-01 08:19:04 AM
Does it mean that TSA, DOT and OSHA take a few days off?!?!?

oh please oh please oh please!!!


And since we are not getting all the wonderful government services that we need to survive, does this mean we get a prorated tax bill at the end of the year?!
 
2013-10-01 09:09:39 AM

The Stealth Hippopotamus: Does it mean that TSA, DOT and OSHA take a few days off?!?!?

oh please oh please oh please!!!


And since we are not getting all the wonderful government services that we need to survive, does this mean we get a prorated tax bill at the end of the year?!


yea, no.
 
2013-10-01 09:35:50 AM
There's a sad bitterness that's completely infected The Onion. It's not fun to read anymore. :(
 
2013-10-01 09:36:24 AM
Why is Boner always crying? Is he on crazy meds that make him sad?
 
2013-10-01 09:36:32 AM
Finally!!! Some intelligent and accurate facts!
 
2013-10-01 09:36:47 AM
Alot of farkery going on.
 
2013-10-01 09:37:19 AM
It means that the people will rise up and cast out republicans everywhere, leading to a century of Democratic dominance.

Right?
 
2013-10-01 09:37:30 AM
I can say whatever I want because the NSA has been furloughed!
 
2013-10-01 09:38:08 AM
When the best reporting on your government is satire, you know it's over.
 
2013-10-01 09:38:17 AM

The Stealth Hippopotamus: Does it mean that TSA, DOT and OSHA take a few days off?!?!?


How about the FCC, am I going to get some HBO style nudity and cursing on the US networks I get if this happens?
 
2013-10-01 09:38:24 AM

AverageAmericanGuy: There's a sad bitterness that's completely infected The Onion. It's not fun to read anymore. :(


Making fun of how depressing American politics is is funny.  I'm sorry you don't find nihilism as funny as the humor-unchallenged.
 
2013-10-01 09:38:47 AM
Thank goodness the second amendment allows us to maintain an unpaid militia.
 
2013-10-01 09:40:44 AM

YoOjo: Why is Boner always crying? Is he on crazy meds that make him sad?


Possibly. A GIS on crying republican always brings a smile to my face, though.
 
2013-10-01 09:41:39 AM

brap: Thank goodness the second amendment allows us to maintain an unpaid militia.


Don't worry, if you're paid to carry a gun, your government job will continue.   If you happen to get severely wounded, however...
 
2013-10-01 09:42:34 AM
It means I'm either furloughed or laid-off. I'm a govt contractor, not an employee, and no one seems to know exactly what will happen to us yet (or they're not saying until after we're out of the building).

It also means my fiancé is stuck in Kuwait even longer, now that the visa processing has come to a standstill.

Also, my power was out this morning. Not the government's fault, but I'm still annoyed by it.
 
2013-10-01 09:44:04 AM
Fiancee, not fiancé. That's not how I roll.

/NTTAWWT
 
2013-10-01 09:44:30 AM
Hah now the king of England can invade.
 
2013-10-01 09:44:36 AM

mechgreg: The Stealth Hippopotamus: Does it mean that TSA, DOT and OSHA take a few days off?!?!?

How about the FCC, am I going to get some HBO style nudity and cursing on the US networks I get if this happens?


TSA, DOT, and OSHA?

"Tragedy struck TSH's workplace as a drunken truck driver drove off a substandard road and plowed through the building. No one was hurt, however, as they had all died earlier when a plane was flown into the same building by hijackers.

Republicans say that the invisible hand of the free market will help us sort out this tragedy. If people want better roads, John Boehner said, then let them buy the roads from state governments and develop them privately, like Jesus commanded the Ephesians.

"In other news, Canada's immigrant rosters swell as former Americans abandon what they're now calling 'Freedomjesusgunland."
 
2013-10-01 09:46:17 AM
what about the improvement in my morning commute?
 
2013-10-01 09:48:28 AM
imageshack.us
 
2013-10-01 09:48:44 AM

AverageAmericanGuy: There's a sad bitterness that's completely infected The Onion. It's not fun to read anymore. :(


C'mon, this is comedy gold:
Any harm that may occur to you during the shutdown will still affect your body in real life. Essentially, if you die in the shutdown, you die for real.
 
2013-10-01 09:49:27 AM

netcentric: [imageshack.us image 206x320]


no worries.  I'm on it.
 
2013-10-01 09:49:43 AM
It means I'm stuck at Fort Polk until they figure this shiat out.
 
2013-10-01 09:50:09 AM

mechgreg: The Stealth Hippopotamus: Does it mean that TSA, DOT and OSHA take a few days off?!?!?

How about the FCC, am I going to get some HBO style nudity and cursing on the US networks I get if this happens?


So you know that the USA network isn't regulated by the FCC right?
 
2013-10-01 09:50:14 AM
One step solution to make America care about continued working of the federal government.
Step 1: Pass a law postposes pro sporting events during a shutdown.
 
2013-10-01 09:51:34 AM

AverageAmericanGuy: There's a sad bitterness that's completely infected The Onion. It's not fun to read anymore. :(


It's not them, it's you.
 
2013-10-01 09:52:10 AM

Hiro Nakamura: It means I'm stuck at Fort Polk until they figure this shiat out.


That sounds like a horrible place to be stuck. I was only there for JRTC but I feel safe assuming the rest of the post sucks just as much, right?
 
2013-10-01 09:56:26 AM
Nothing since I'm not a deadbeat suckling off the government teat.
 
2013-10-01 09:57:18 AM

AverageAmericanGuy: There's a sad bitterness that's completely infected The Onion. It's not fun to read anymore. :(


If the Onion is bitter at all, it's probably because real life has become a parody.

I mean, really: who among us thought back when Obama was elected for his first term that the crazy people wearing tricorn hats with teabags hanging off would have the political know-how to get so deep into the government they hate to shut it down?
 
2013-10-01 10:00:27 AM

The Stealth Hippopotamus: Does it mean that TSA, DOT and OSHA take a few days off?!?!?

oh please oh please oh please!!!


I, too, hate safe workplaces and well-maintained highways.

And since we are not getting all the wonderful government services that we need to survive, does this mean we get a prorated tax bill at the end of the year?!

Joke's on you.  It was more expensive to shut them down than to keep them running.
 
2013-10-01 10:01:59 AM

netcentric: [imageshack.us image 206x320]


Contractors
 
2013-10-01 10:03:43 AM
Means very little to me as I'm in Canada. Anyway, just get someone to call Abbey and she'll give the president the kick in the nuts he needs to solve this thing.
 
2013-10-01 10:04:32 AM

bmongar: mechgreg: The Stealth Hippopotamus: Does it mean that TSA, DOT and OSHA take a few days off?!?!?

How about the FCC, am I going to get some HBO style nudity and cursing on the US networks I get if this happens?

So you know that the USA network isn't regulated by the FCC right?


True, but he was referring to ABC/CBS/NBC/FOX/CW, which are regulated, not the actual USA Network, home of Burn Notice, Royal Pains, etc.
 
2013-10-01 10:04:43 AM

Crudbucket: Hiro Nakamura: It means I'm stuck at Fort Polk until they figure this shiat out.

That sounds like a horrible place to be stuck. I was only there for JRTC but I feel safe assuming the rest of the post sucks just as much, right?


That's why I'm here. We were supposed to leave today. We have no money to pay for our helicopters' fuel to get back home.
 
2013-10-01 10:06:12 AM
I'm in Americorps and won't be paid until there's a farking budget. Wonderful!

Republican coonts. Times like these I wish Christianity was true so I could see the looks on fundy faces when they're cast into hell because of their hatred for the poor.
 
2013-10-01 10:06:12 AM

AverageAmericanGuy: There's a sad bitterness that's completely infected The Onion. It's not fun to read anymore. :(


maybe so, but this made me laugh:

This probably won't have any actual effect on your marriage, but it's better to blame it on this than facing what the real issues are
 
2013-10-01 10:11:51 AM

Hiro Nakamura: That's why I'm here. We were supposed to leave today. We have no money to pay for our helicopters' fuel to get back home.


Wow, that's beyond stupid.
 
2013-10-01 10:11:55 AM
hmm... thousands of government employees walking around Washington with bills to pay and no paycheck... I bet EVERY lobbyist in washington is walking around with a boner right about now
 
2013-10-01 10:15:34 AM

AngryDragon: Nothing since I'm not a deadbeat suckling off the government teat.


I liked it better when they made 10 lb. blocks of gobernment teat cheese.  Tasty cheddar that, made a heckuva sammich, I tell you what.
 
2013-10-01 10:15:39 AM
Whenever the American people are distracted by some tom-foolery or other, we Canadians like to get together and move the border six inches further South.

I say let us throw Canadian caution to the wind! Let's go for 18 inches while we can. That's three Superbowls worth!
 
2013-10-01 10:15:59 AM
thumbs.dreamstime.com
The NSA's not looking. Post bombs.
 
2013-10-01 10:18:27 AM

Russ1642: Means very little to me as I'm in Canada. Anyway, just get someone to call Abbey and she'll give the president the kick in the nuts he needs to solve this thing.


I know the queen technically can still fark with your government but that isn't how the branches of government work down here.

Your own government won by fraud but the courts refused to act after their own conclusion

Your government continues to censor scientists.

You have some great people, but you are also fiercely nationalist and have some passive-aggression issues.

Clean your own house.
 
2013-10-01 10:22:46 AM

brantgoose: Whenever the American people are distracted by some tom-foolery or other, we Canadians like to get together and move the border six inches further South.

I say let us throw Canadian caution to the wind! Let's go for 18 inches while we can. That's three Superbowls worth!


54 39 or fight?
 
2013-10-01 10:26:17 AM
What pisses me off?

NATIONAL PARKS ARE CLOSED.

That is what pisses me off.
 
2013-10-01 10:30:35 AM

santadog: What pisses me off?

NATIONAL PARKS ARE CLOSED.

That is what pisses me off.


Same. I'm supposed to go camping in Shenandoah in two weeks.
 
2013-10-01 10:31:43 AM

HeartBurnKid: I, too, hate safe workplaces and well-maintained highways.


hahaha they're the government! They are here to protect you!!

The secret is there is no way they are going to ever shut down their revenuers. If you think the DOT has anything to do with highway safety I... I just dont know what much I could mock a person, but I could find out.
 
2013-10-01 10:32:19 AM

AverageAmericanGuy: There's a sad bitterness that's completely infected The Onion. It's not fun to read anymore. :(


Really?  I think they've been killing it lately.

http://onion.com/171CtCW

http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-experiencing-peace-resuscitated ,3 3998/

http://onion.com/1b7wL6G
 
2013-10-01 10:33:09 AM

YoOjo: Why is Boner always crying? Is he on crazy meds that make him sad?


Yeah, I think it's called Jim Beam.
 
2013-10-01 10:33:50 AM
Normally, I'd be getting a letter telling me to go home and wait for further notice.  But they decided to make me 'essential' so I have to stay here.  Unfortunately, I can't get to any of my files or email because my normal desk is still off limits for now.  But they did get me a temporary laptop with internet connectivity.
 
2013-10-01 10:36:36 AM
What it means for me is being ashamed that these clowns actually are supposed to represent me and my fellow citizens. Stop arguing with each other like a bunch of goddamn children and start getting some actual work done that helps this country and said citizens.
 
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