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(Gawker)   Senator Ted Cruz taunts his political opponents with a chess analogy. Unfortunately, nobody ever taught him the rules of chess   (gawker.com) divider line 81
    More: Dumbass, Ted Cruz, rules of chess, dissidents, chess matches, chess game, analogy, senator  
•       •       •

7006 clicks; posted to Politics » on 30 Sep 2013 at 12:40 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-09-29 11:06:28 PM  
9 votes:

MaudlinMutantMollusk: shanrick: I know what the horse is! Does it move two steps forward and one to the side or is it one step forward and one to the diagonal?

Yes


Oh, you just taunt me like that. You must have something up your sleeve.

On another note, whenever I'm playing someone I haven't played before, I always halt the game just before we start and cough a little and say I have to straighten out my pieces. Then I touch each one, even if they are centered and it is redundant to center them in their squares.
Someone less astute would be distracted by this maneuver and would ponder why I did that.
In the mean time I have already stolen their VCR and escaped out the window.
2013-09-29 09:44:41 PM  
9 votes:
Who Ted Cruz thinks he is:

i140.photobucket.com

What Ted Cruz actually is:

i140.photobucket.com
2013-09-30 01:23:32 AM  
6 votes:

super_grass: Next up: how Cruz eats crackers like he owns the place.


s1.ibtimes.com
"If you like the crackers you have, you get to keep them."
2013-09-29 11:23:51 PM  
6 votes:
If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.
2013-09-30 12:59:00 AM  
5 votes:

Philip J. Fry: Likely an underzealous staffer running the twitter account.


www.usnews.com
"Please. I run my own Twitter account. I mean, how hard is it to type out a message? I'm not going to waste resources o"
2013-09-30 12:56:14 AM  
5 votes:
media.heavy.com
"Queen to queen's level 3."
2013-09-30 12:53:36 AM  
5 votes:
In the game of chess you must never let your adversary see your pieces.
i1.ytimg.com
2013-09-30 12:50:02 AM  
5 votes:
www.washingtonpost.com
"No, see, I'm trying to say that the game is stacked against Obama, and the sooner he realizes this, the better. I hold all the cards. Or something."
2013-09-29 11:03:45 PM  
4 votes:
So he doesn't understand chess of Green Eggs and Ham.  I imagine he was the type of kid who slapped the pieces off the board when he started losing at CandyLand.
2013-09-29 08:48:11 PM  
4 votes:

zedster: He just needs to shoot snake eyes to get Parcheesi and drop the trap on that mouse proving it was Col. Mustered in the study, duh


Yahtzee!
2013-09-29 08:28:42 PM  
4 votes:
Checkmate!

/now King me!
2013-09-30 08:23:01 AM  
3 votes:
He should have done this. Just as wrong, but a more accurate message:

www.bitlogic.com
2013-09-30 02:46:40 AM  
3 votes:

Sid_6.7: Uranus Is Huge!: Sid_6.7: Who Ted Cruz thinks he is:

[i140.photobucket.com image 625x502]

Is that Boris Becker? Are the wolves on his shirt in the original?

No, I added the Wolves a while back during a thread where someone posted the original.

Here is the original is all of it's stupid glory:

[www.thegatewaypundit.com image 550x441]

Painted by a man who likely masturbates to Tom Clancy novels.


I like this one.

scontent-b-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net
2013-09-30 01:38:05 AM  
3 votes:

Apik0r0s: The Queen not being on her color and the King being on his own (as in this setup) is not inconsequential, at all. This becomes more apparent in the late game, at the other end of the board.


cdn01.cdn.justjared.com
"Yes, indeed it does."
2013-09-30 01:21:15 AM  
3 votes:
31.media.tumblr.com
2013-09-30 01:04:47 AM  
3 votes:
"Listen, I know the liberal strategy is to hang out in Australia, but I'm sure Asia will greet my pieces as liberators."
2013-09-29 10:10:11 PM  
3 votes:

Sid_6.7: Who Ted Cruz thinks he is:

[i140.photobucket.com image 625x502]

What Ted Cruz actually is:

[i140.photobucket.com image 640x480]


Ted Cruz is no where near as cool as the Icy Hot Stuntaz.
2013-09-29 08:47:30 PM  
3 votes:
He just needs to shoot snake eyes to get Parcheesi and drop the trap on that mouse proving it was Col. Mustered in the study, duh
2013-09-29 08:38:04 PM  
3 votes:
Having a fancy chess set and a vague and not entirely accurate understanding of the rules of chess seems to fit him perfectly.
2013-09-30 09:52:04 AM  
2 votes:
What Cruz is playing:

i116.photobucket.com
2013-09-30 07:41:06 AM  
2 votes:
From the comments:


img.gawkerassets.com
2013-09-30 04:00:51 AM  
2 votes:

KWess: A metaphor, perhaps.


No, he actually burned them.
2013-09-30 03:44:46 AM  
2 votes:

tbhouston: What does Ted Cruz have against white queens


Same thing he's got against black Presidents, I suspect.
2013-09-30 03:18:20 AM  
2 votes:

PainInTheASP: you sank my battleship!


i4.ytimg.com

Best two out of three.
2013-09-30 02:40:50 AM  
2 votes:
rationalwiki.org
/oblig
2013-09-30 02:28:15 AM  
2 votes:

Apik0r0s: This isn't a mirrored board, the squares in the lower right (from the point of view of both players) is white), as should be. It is a deformed setup, not mirrored.


www3.pictures.zimbio.com
"That was exactly what I was going for. A 'deformed setup'. Just like Obamacare."
2013-09-30 01:54:13 AM  
2 votes:

Bonanza Jellybean: How could anyone tell with such a garish set? Still, it's clear he didn't learn the little mnemonic "Queen on her colour."


You would have thought a Canadian like Cruz would have remembered that weird spelling, too.
2013-09-30 01:53:17 AM  
2 votes:

Bonanza Jellybean: How could anyone tell with such a garish set? Still, it's clear he didn't learn the little mnemonic "Queen on her colour."


The Queen is the only one with hooters in that chess set..

/although to be fair, Cruz is a Republican, so he probably thought that the big, tall, thick, meaty, masculine piece is the important one that goes on its own color, and didn't even notice that other piece's bewbz
2013-09-30 01:52:56 AM  
2 votes:
I like to say that Obama is playing chess while the Reps are playing checkers, but I never meant it literally.
2013-09-30 01:46:17 AM  
2 votes:

NewportBarGuy: Why do all of the pawns look like girls in the white sex trade?


It's a barrister's chess set. To lawyers, they're all whores.
2013-09-30 01:41:15 AM  
2 votes:
In an effort to look brighter than he is Ted Cruz only ends up proving what a moron he actually is?

Meh, not as funny as his not knowing the ending to Green Eggs and Ham but still sorta lulzy.

Sorta off topic but Is there a single picture of Cruz available that doesn't send my gaydar off like a 4 alarm fire?
2013-09-30 01:12:40 AM  
2 votes:
He's playing a rousing game of pigeon chess.

\He's the bird
2013-09-30 01:06:55 AM  
2 votes:

Mentat: iamjustsyd: Candyland would be challenging to him. And he would probably cheat at it as well.

I imagine him as a munchkin.

"You know, I can climb up the slide on the playground, so there's no rational reason why my piece can't climb the chutes AND the ladders!"


s3.amazonaws.com
"Jeesh, people, if you put your hands like this, you can walk right up the chutes! That rule doesn't make any sense!"
2013-09-30 01:02:52 AM  
2 votes:
"They call it the Game of Life, but where's the square where I receive millions of dollars in laundered campaign donations from foreign businesses?  This game is nothing like real life."
2013-09-30 01:01:43 AM  
2 votes:

powhound: I'm quite surprised that the chess board he uses shows an elevated sense of equality between the king and the queen.


blogs.e-rockford.com
"Not to mention the lowered starting position of the pawns. I mean, who gives a f*ck about the pawns? They're just pawns in the game! Get it?"
2013-09-30 12:55:24 AM  
2 votes:

Uranus Is Huge!: Sid_6.7: Who Ted Cruz thinks he is:

[i140.photobucket.com image 625x502]

Is that Boris Becker? Are the wolves on his shirt in the original?


No, I added the Wolves a while back during a thread where someone posted the original.

Here is the original is all of it's stupid glory:

www.thegatewaypundit.com

Painted by a man who likely masturbates to Tom Clancy novels.
2013-09-30 12:53:52 AM  
2 votes:

Sgt Otter: That's quite the set of double Ds on Lady Justice.


He must have purchased that set after Ashcroft left office.
2013-09-30 12:52:20 AM  
2 votes:
It sounds like he's playing Mornington Crescent. Or possibly Calvinball.
2013-09-30 12:52:14 AM  
2 votes:

PainInTheASP: MaudlinMutantMollusk: Checkmate!

/now King me!

Heyyyyy, you sank my battleship!


I've drunkenly tried to combine battleship and twister, just so I could use the phrase "You sunk my right hand red!" Sadly I was too busy drinking to work out the exact rules of twistership.
2013-09-30 12:51:32 AM  
2 votes:
Likely an underzealous staffer running the twitter account.
2013-09-30 12:45:50 AM  
2 votes:

Republicanism

i14.photobucket.com

WIINNING!
2013-09-29 11:50:41 PM  
2 votes:

Donnchadha: If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.


slurmed.com
2013-09-29 10:51:53 PM  
2 votes:
Ted Cruz is clearly not a winner at the Game of Life
2013-09-29 10:40:01 PM  
2 votes:

Uranus Is Huge!: Sid_6.7: Who Ted Cruz thinks he is:

[i140.photobucket.com image 625x502]

Is that Boris Becker? Are the wolves on his shirt in the original?


It looks like he's trying to buy it at a flea market. "How much for this? I've got 4 bucks."
2013-09-29 10:08:01 PM  
2 votes:
Y'all all misunderstand. As a gesture to his feminist constituents, Cruz made a female the king.
2013-09-29 09:40:54 PM  
2 votes:
Ooh, the infamous Potato Gambit!
2013-09-29 08:36:35 PM  
2 votes:

MaudlinMutantMollusk: Checkmate!

/now King me!


Heyyyyy, you sank my battleship!
2013-09-30 09:58:38 AM  
1 votes:
i.imgur.com
2013-09-30 08:54:29 AM  
1 votes:

Sid_6.7: Who Ted Cruz thinks he is:

[i140.photobucket.com image 625x502]

What Ted Cruz actually is:

[i140.photobucket.com image 640x480]


I like Obama's "Look-out We Got A Badass Over Here" look.
2013-09-30 08:40:10 AM  
1 votes:

syrynxx: It's not like chess rules are rigorous.  There are dozens of ways to start off.


Of course.  Personally, I like to replace a few of my bishops with more queens.
2013-09-30 08:12:43 AM  
1 votes:
Correct me if I'm wrong, but being born in Canada, he is ineligible for the US Presidency.
2013-09-30 07:59:31 AM  
1 votes:

danwinkler: Alright libs. He's hispanic, we get it.


Hispanic? I thought he was one of the dough people.
2013-09-30 07:50:18 AM  
1 votes:
Who is BOB?
2013-09-30 06:00:45 AM  
1 votes:
He isn't playing wrong, since he is from Canada, he's playing chess the metric way.
2013-09-30 04:35:42 AM  
1 votes:
Ted Cruz doesn't play by your rules, libtards!
2013-09-30 04:14:40 AM  
1 votes:
3.bp.blogspot.com

It's way past time we talked.The gloves are off, I'm playing hardball. It's fourth and fifteen, and you're looking at a full court press.
2013-09-30 04:14:02 AM  
1 votes:
The best part is, if the board WERE correctly set up, his king would be exposed to a two move checkmate.
2013-09-30 03:31:27 AM  
1 votes:
fxowen.files.wordpress.com

+

www.savingwithshellie.com

=

www.wbez.org
2013-09-30 02:50:10 AM  
1 votes:
Hey, Ted-ster, I can help:

images.chesskidfiles.com
m00
2013-09-30 02:26:19 AM  
1 votes:

ox45tallboy: m00: Maybe it's a subtle statement in support of transgender rights.

[media.townhall.com image 665x340]
*ack* *cough* *sppplttt* "I'm sorry, could you repeat the question?"


At first I thought it was in support of transgender rights, because he has a male queen.

But then I thought maybe it's about de-stigmatizing interracial marriage, because normally you're supposed to put the white queen on the white square, but he put the white queen on the black square.
2013-09-30 02:11:45 AM  
1 votes:

m00: Maybe it's a subtle statement in support of transgender rights.


media.townhall.com
*ack* *cough* *sppplttt* "I'm sorry, could you repeat the question?"
2013-09-30 01:57:08 AM  
1 votes:

Sid_6.7: Not the original.


i.qkme.me
2013-09-30 01:47:02 AM  
1 votes:

Apik0r0s: Jim_Callahan: Chirality makes a functional difference in how molecules can interact.  Mirroring the chess board does not change how the game can proceed, you have the exact same set of potential pathways either way.

The Queen not being on her color and the King being on his own (as in this setup) is not inconsequential, at all. This becomes more apparent in the late game, at the other end of the board.


No this is bigger than simple chess rules don't you see? The wrong color pieces are on the wrong colored spaces. You see! I mean the most well known drug head right now is Aaron Paul, and the most well know president right now is Obama. This is just Cruz telling everyone that its time to take back the "white" house. 

We are through the looking glass here people.
2013-09-30 01:44:50 AM  
1 votes:
Why do all of the pawns look like girls in the white sex trade?
2013-09-30 01:42:21 AM  
1 votes:

tbhouston: What does Ted Cruz have against white queens


He's probably in the closet.
2013-09-30 01:41:32 AM  
1 votes:
What does Ted Cruz have against white queens
2013-09-30 01:33:30 AM  
1 votes:
Pretty sneaky, sis!
2013-09-30 01:25:01 AM  
1 votes:

ox45tallboy: super_grass: Next up: how Cruz eats crackers like he owns the place.

[s1.ibtimes.com image 500x339]
"If you like the crackers you have, you get to keep them."


Offer not valid in all 57 states.
2013-09-30 01:19:36 AM  
1 votes:
I've got 6 aces, so I've got him beat unless he can score a touchdown in the 3rd power play of this inning.
2013-09-30 01:19:22 AM  
1 votes:
img28.imageshack.us It's the old Kobayashi Maru Gambit.img13.imageshack.us
2013-09-30 01:00:38 AM  
1 votes:

iamjustsyd: Candyland would be challenging to him. And he would probably cheat at it as well.


I imagine him as a munchkin.

"You know, I can climb up the slide on the playground, so there's no rational reason why my piece can't climb the chutes AND the ladders!"
2013-09-30 12:59:07 AM  
1 votes:
The Zap Brannigan quotes make this thread.
2013-09-30 12:58:39 AM  
1 votes:
Candyland would be challenging to him. And he would probably cheat at it as well.
2013-09-29 10:59:04 PM  
1 votes:

shanrick: I know what the horse is! Does it move two steps forward and one to the side or is it one step forward and one to the diagonal?


It's 2 steps to the side and 1 forward.
2013-09-29 10:24:39 PM  
1 votes:

Sid_6.7: Who Ted Cruz thinks he is:

[i140.photobucket.com image 625x502]


Is that Boris Becker? Are the wolves on his shirt in the original?
2013-09-29 09:49:00 PM  
1 votes:
Is it just me, or do the pawns look like they're on the toilet dropping a deuce?
2013-09-29 09:35:13 PM  
1 votes:
It's not like chess rules are rigorous.  There are dozens of ways to start off.
2013-09-29 09:00:47 PM  
1 votes:
Uno!
2013-09-29 08:51:39 PM  
1 votes:

TheOmni: Having a fancy chess set and a vague and not entirely accurate understanding of the rules of chess seems to fit him perfectly.


It too can be yours, for the low, low price of $799.95!

http://www.hammacher.com/Product/Default.aspx?sku=12025
2013-09-29 08:45:18 PM  
1 votes:
WTF are you talking about???  Everyone knows you can move a pawn 2 squares on the first move!
2013-09-29 08:26:25 PM  
1 votes:
That's quite the set of double Ds on Lady Justice.
 
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