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(Gawker)   Senator Ted Cruz taunts his political opponents with a chess analogy. Unfortunately, nobody ever taught him the rules of chess   (gawker.com) divider line 242
    More: Dumbass, Ted Cruz, rules of chess, dissidents, chess matches, chess game, analogy, senator  
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7004 clicks; posted to Politics » on 30 Sep 2013 at 12:40 AM (47 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



242 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2013-09-29 08:26:25 PM
That's quite the set of double Ds on Lady Justice.
 
2013-09-29 08:28:42 PM
Checkmate!

/now King me!
 
2013-09-29 08:36:35 PM

MaudlinMutantMollusk: Checkmate!

/now King me!


Heyyyyy, you sank my battleship!
 
2013-09-29 08:38:04 PM
Having a fancy chess set and a vague and not entirely accurate understanding of the rules of chess seems to fit him perfectly.
 
2013-09-29 08:45:18 PM
WTF are you talking about???  Everyone knows you can move a pawn 2 squares on the first move!
 
2013-09-29 08:45:53 PM

TheOmni: Having a fancy chess set and a vague and not entirely accurate understanding of the rules of chess seems to fit him perfectly.


And THIS.
 
2013-09-29 08:47:30 PM
He just needs to shoot snake eyes to get Parcheesi and drop the trap on that mouse proving it was Col. Mustered in the study, duh
 
2013-09-29 08:48:11 PM

zedster: He just needs to shoot snake eyes to get Parcheesi and drop the trap on that mouse proving it was Col. Mustered in the study, duh


Yahtzee!
 
2013-09-29 08:51:39 PM

TheOmni: Having a fancy chess set and a vague and not entirely accurate understanding of the rules of chess seems to fit him perfectly.


It too can be yours, for the low, low price of $799.95!

http://www.hammacher.com/Product/Default.aspx?sku=12025
 
2013-09-29 09:00:47 PM
Uno!
 
2013-09-29 09:06:02 PM

MaudlinMutantMollusk: Checkmate!

/now King me!


Trouble!

/Or maybe Sorry?
 
2013-09-29 09:08:53 PM
I can't tell which are the knights and bishops, but at the very least, if anyone is wondering, the white queen and king are on the wrong squares and their position should be reversed.

Anything I'm missing, other than Cruz being a massive d-bag?
 
2013-09-29 09:14:08 PM

Sid_6.7: I can't tell which are the knights and bishops, but at the very least, if anyone is wondering, the white queen and king are on the wrong squares and their position should be reversed.

Anything I'm missing, other than Cruz being a massive d-bag?


That's all I saw, too. Queen goes on color. I'm with you on being able to tell the knights and bishops apart.
 
2013-09-29 09:22:28 PM

fusillade762: Queen goes on color.


i always forget this part
 
2013-09-29 09:24:23 PM

fusillade762: Sid_6.7: I can't tell which are the knights and bishops, but at the very least, if anyone is wondering, the white queen and king are on the wrong squares and their position should be reversed.

Anything I'm missing, other than Cruz being a massive d-bag?

That's all I saw, too. Queen goes on color. I'm with you on being able to tell the knights and bishops apart.


Look at the Hammacher-Schlemmer link above.  The bishops are attorneys clutching legal briefs - a male and a female for each side.  The knights are cross-armed bailiffs.

As far as I can see, everything else is set up OK, but the white king and queen are wrong.
 
2013-09-29 09:26:55 PM

Benevolent Misanthrope: WTF are you talking about???  Everyone knows you can move a pawn 2 squares on the first move!


The board is incorrectly set up.
 
2013-09-29 09:35:13 PM
It's not like chess rules are rigorous.  There are dozens of ways to start off.
 
2013-09-29 09:37:38 PM

Sgt Otter: TheOmni: Having a fancy chess set and a vague and not entirely accurate understanding of the rules of chess seems to fit him perfectly.

It too can be yours, for the low, low price of $799.95!

http://www.hammacher.com/Product/Default.aspx?sku=12025


Wow, they get the King/Queen positions reversed in the official picture as well.
 
2013-09-29 09:37:47 PM

Shostie: Benevolent Misanthrope: WTF are you talking about???  Everyone knows you can move a pawn 2 squares on the first move!

The board is incorrectly set up.


Sighhhhhhh...
 
2013-09-29 09:40:54 PM
Ooh, the infamous Potato Gambit!
 
2013-09-29 09:44:41 PM
Who Ted Cruz thinks he is:

i140.photobucket.com

What Ted Cruz actually is:

i140.photobucket.com
 
2013-09-29 09:48:34 PM

Benevolent Misanthrope: Shostie: Benevolent Misanthrope: WTF are you talking about???  Everyone knows you can move a pawn 2 squares on the first move!

The board is incorrectly set up.

Sighhhhhhh...


Yeah. I'm killing your troll.

Deal with it.
 
2013-09-29 09:49:00 PM
Is it just me, or do the pawns look like they're on the toilet dropping a deuce?
 
2013-09-29 09:50:01 PM

Benevolent Misanthrope: but the white king and queen are wrong.


Don't you mean "White Hispanic"? There's a lot of color in those pieces.
 
2013-09-29 10:08:01 PM
Y'all all misunderstand. As a gesture to his feminist constituents, Cruz made a female the king.
 
2013-09-29 10:09:15 PM
So he hires idiots to work for him.
 
2013-09-29 10:10:11 PM

Sid_6.7: Who Ted Cruz thinks he is:

[i140.photobucket.com image 625x502]

What Ted Cruz actually is:

[i140.photobucket.com image 640x480]


Ted Cruz is no where near as cool as the Icy Hot Stuntaz.
 
2013-09-29 10:24:39 PM

Sid_6.7: Who Ted Cruz thinks he is:

[i140.photobucket.com image 625x502]


Is that Boris Becker? Are the wolves on his shirt in the original?
 
2013-09-29 10:40:01 PM

Uranus Is Huge!: Sid_6.7: Who Ted Cruz thinks he is:

[i140.photobucket.com image 625x502]

Is that Boris Becker? Are the wolves on his shirt in the original?


It looks like he's trying to buy it at a flea market. "How much for this? I've got 4 bucks."
 
2013-09-29 10:51:53 PM
Ted Cruz is clearly not a winner at the Game of Life
 
2013-09-29 10:57:22 PM
I know what the horse is! Does it move two steps forward and one to the side or is it one step forward and one to the diagonal?
 
2013-09-29 10:58:02 PM

shanrick: I know what the horse is! Does it move two steps forward and one to the side or is it one step forward and one to the diagonal?


Yes
 
2013-09-29 10:59:04 PM

shanrick: I know what the horse is! Does it move two steps forward and one to the side or is it one step forward and one to the diagonal?


It's 2 steps to the side and 1 forward.
 
2013-09-29 11:01:40 PM

MaudlinMutantMollusk: shanrick: I know what the horse is! Does it move two steps forward and one to the side or is it one step forward and one to the diagonal?

Yes


And when it promotes, it moves one step in any direction except diagonally backwards.
 
2013-09-29 11:03:45 PM
So he doesn't understand chess of Green Eggs and Ham.  I imagine he was the type of kid who slapped the pieces off the board when he started losing at CandyLand.
 
2013-09-29 11:06:28 PM

MaudlinMutantMollusk: shanrick: I know what the horse is! Does it move two steps forward and one to the side or is it one step forward and one to the diagonal?

Yes


Oh, you just taunt me like that. You must have something up your sleeve.

On another note, whenever I'm playing someone I haven't played before, I always halt the game just before we start and cough a little and say I have to straighten out my pieces. Then I touch each one, even if they are centered and it is redundant to center them in their squares.
Someone less astute would be distracted by this maneuver and would ponder why I did that.
In the mean time I have already stolen their VCR and escaped out the window.
 
2013-09-29 11:09:34 PM

shanrick: MaudlinMutantMollusk: shanrick: I know what the horse is! Does it move two steps forward and one to the side or is it one step forward and one to the diagonal?

Yes

Oh, you just taunt me like that. You must have something up your sleeve.

On another note, whenever I'm playing someone I haven't played before, I always halt the game just before we start and cough a little and say I have to straighten out my pieces. Then I touch each one, even if they are centered and it is redundant to center them in their squares.
Someone less astute would be distracted by this maneuver and would ponder why I did that.
In the mean time I have already stolen their VCR and escaped out the window.


I should like to subscribe to your newsletter, good Sir
 
2013-09-29 11:17:23 PM
used to teach chess to children
"queen on HER color"

what a nit - think he knows there are "skatey-eight" urban children under the age of 10 who could whip his butt?

meh
 
2013-09-29 11:23:10 PM

Precious Roy's Horse Dividers: Ted Cruz is clearly not a winner at the Game of Life


No he isn't,

but he certainly plays one on TV.
 
2013-09-29 11:23:51 PM
If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.
 
2013-09-29 11:47:23 PM

Irving Maimway: MaudlinMutantMollusk: Checkmate!

/now King me!

Trouble!

/Or maybe Sorry?


You sank my battleship!

/pretty sneaky, sis
 
2013-09-29 11:50:41 PM

Donnchadha: If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.


slurmed.com
 
2013-09-30 12:45:50 AM

Republicanism

i14.photobucket.com

WIINNING!
 
2013-09-30 12:45:56 AM

fusillade762: Sid_6.7: I can't tell which are the knights and bishops, but at the very least, if anyone is wondering, the white queen and king are on the wrong squares and their position should be reversed.

Anything I'm missing, other than Cruz being a massive d-bag?

That's all I saw, too. Queen goes on color. I'm with you on being able to tell the knights and bishops apart.


I'm assuming that the ones with their arms in the prayer position are bishops.  If so, he swapped them with the knights, as well.
 
2013-09-30 12:48:38 AM

parasol: used to teach chess to children
"queen on HER color"

what a nit - think he knows there are "skatey-eight" urban children under the age of 10 who could whip his butt?

meh


To be fair, if he'd also reversed the black side then the game would still be properly set, the important parts is that the royal pieces be mirrored across the center-line (the king faces the king and the queen faces the queen).  The specifics of how this is accomplished don't actually alter how the game plays.
 
2013-09-30 12:50:02 AM
www.washingtonpost.com
"No, see, I'm trying to say that the game is stacked against Obama, and the sooner he realizes this, the better. I hold all the cards. Or something."
 
2013-09-30 12:51:32 AM
Likely an underzealous staffer running the twitter account.
 
2013-09-30 12:52:14 AM

PainInTheASP: MaudlinMutantMollusk: Checkmate!

/now King me!

Heyyyyy, you sank my battleship!


I've drunkenly tried to combine battleship and twister, just so I could use the phrase "You sunk my right hand red!" Sadly I was too busy drinking to work out the exact rules of twistership.
 
2013-09-30 12:52:20 AM
It sounds like he's playing Mornington Crescent. Or possibly Calvinball.
 
2013-09-30 12:53:02 AM

RedPhoenix122: Is it just me, or do the pawns look like they're on the toilet dropping a deuce?


That is the second thing I thought after 'which one is the bishop and which is the knight jesus fark this is a badly designed chess set.'
 
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