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(The Atlantic)   "Email snooping should immediately end the relationship," claims columnist with something to hide   (theatlantic.com) divider line 110
    More: Stupid, interpersonal relationship  
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5296 clicks; posted to Main » on 30 Sep 2013 at 12:43 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-09-29 09:38:55 PM  
If you are doing something on the side, its going to be in a separate account, firewalled from your personal one, so snooping isn't really going to tell the suspicious party anything unless there is a slip up.
 
2013-09-29 09:45:48 PM  

Mad_Radhu: If you are doing something on the side, its going to be in a separate account, firewalled from your personal one, so snooping isn't really going to tell the suspicious party anything unless there is a slip up.


You'd think so, but some people are dumb enough to use their Facebook accounts to try and hook up with other people.
 
2013-09-29 09:53:43 PM  
Snooping would be great, if my wife would do it.  Maybe it would cut down on all the stupid conversation while I'm trying to watch TV.
 
2013-09-29 10:00:10 PM  
The girl I've been dating has her birthday in a few days and I don't really know the etiquette on what I should do. We've only been dating for a few weeks, maybe a month. Do I get her a gift? And if so, is there a price limit?

Get her some flowers and a card. Geez, this isn't rocket surgery.


So do it! stop being weird! Imagine that you're Batman in Batman Begins and you're in love with Katie Holmes and she explodes before you tell her how you feel.

Katie Holmes isn't the one that exploded.

/nerd
 
2013-09-29 10:28:31 PM  
If you feel it need to snoop on your partner's emails you already have problems.
 
2013-09-29 11:14:09 PM  
Unfortunately, the NSA refuses to let go
 
2013-09-29 11:34:44 PM  
See?  This is why I strictly date blind chicks.
 
2013-09-30 12:15:45 AM  
Its the only way we can stay connected with that silly restraining order in place.
 
2013-09-30 12:21:42 AM  

MurphyMurphy: See?  This is why I strictly date blind chicks.


You don't know about screen readers, do you?
 
2013-09-30 12:22:48 AM  

MaudlinMutantMollusk: MurphyMurphy: See?  This is why I strictly date blind chicks.

You don't know about screen readers, do you?


I KNEW SHE WAS CHEATING ON ME
 
2013-09-30 12:48:42 AM  
I guess that whole open, honest and trustful thing isn't for this guy. Pity
 
2013-09-30 12:48:44 AM  
Once you've decided to look, it doesn't matter what you find.
 
2013-09-30 12:51:47 AM  

Flakeloaf: Once you've decided to look, it doesn't matter what you find.


This. The damage is done. The trust is broken and it's almost always impossible to get back.

And if you don't find anything the first time, it'll only get worse. You'll check more (texts, browser history, etc) and more often until you do find something, in an effort to validate your intrusiveness.

I've been there a time or two, and I hope to never go back.
 
2013-09-30 12:53:39 AM  
Maybe I'm weird; but, I don't like people going through my stuff. Maybe it's just me; but, people seem to be paranoid about little shiat now a days.

/ What possible covert relationship could I be clandestinely having; if I'm hanging out with you the other 11 hours I'm not working?
 
2013-09-30 12:56:07 AM  

Flakeloaf: Once you've decided to look, it doesn't matter what you find.


It depends. Some people are looking for reassurance and if they just came from a bad relationship that is understandable. On the other hand, some people are paranoid and nothing they find is going to make any difference. The worst are the ones who are simply bored.
 
2013-09-30 12:58:03 AM  

RedPhoenix122: Mad_Radhu: If you are doing something on the side, its going to be in a separate account, firewalled from your personal one, so snooping isn't really going to tell the suspicious party anything unless there is a slip up.

You'd think so, but some people are dumb enough to use their Facebook accounts to try and hook up with other people.


You kids today with your Facebook.  In my day we used the personal columns in the paper.
 
2013-09-30 12:58:26 AM  
Yeah, I'm actually with this guy.  Boundaries are fairly important in any relationship, and I wouldn't think that this is really one that should need to be explicitly outlined for your significant other.

I mean, do her parents and siblings share their e-mail accounts with her?  No?  They'd be goddamned upset if she hacked in and started reading their mail and shiat?  So... why does she think that someone less close than immediate family would think it was remotely acceptable?

// Used to have a girlfriend that would read my browser history when she was bored.  Took her a couple weeks to realize I was intentionally trolling her with it... then she thought it was funny, because I try  not to date psychotic people.
 
2013-09-30 12:58:27 AM  
I once found out that I was dating an escort.  Sometimes snooping is worth it.
 
2013-09-30 01:00:22 AM  
If she's snooping, she already "knows" you are guilty. Dump her now. If she's really hot, at least dump her before you knock her up.
 
2013-09-30 01:01:55 AM  
I just let my wife have free access to my phone, email, texts, etc. Some of this stuff she can see goes back ten years Before her, that access was given to all girlfriends.

I don't cheat, got nothing to hide. I'm man enough to break it off with one before chasing another so I don't fear her snooping.

A few times, it's caused a hard conversation like when I recycled a few lines/compliments or when she started counting 'conquest' texts. In the end, it's worth it. It's a load off chest not having to keep up the lies and fear.

/columnist watches porn on his phone
 
2013-09-30 01:03:14 AM  

Mouren: I guess that whole open, honest and trustful thing isn't for this guy. Pity


Wide open like your head? Your brains are falling out, buddy. First of all, it's a violation of most any place's TOS to give out your password like that, so you're already giving them grounds to retire your account. Second of all, nothing good will come of it. Relationships end. People get angry.
 
2013-09-30 01:03:15 AM  
ciberido:

You kids today with your Facebook.  In my day we used the personal columns in the paper.

You know how I know I am old? Because I knew exactly what song you had linked to before I even clicked the link and I was correct.

/ps. That mean you are old too.
 
2013-09-30 01:04:11 AM  

worlddan: Flakeloaf: Once you've decided to look, it doesn't matter what you find.

It depends. Some people are looking for reassurance and if they just came from a bad relationship that is understandable. On the other hand, some people are paranoid and nothing they find is going to make any difference. The worst are the ones who are simply bored.


Wait, why is bored the worst? Not that snooping is my thing, but I DO get hella bored sometimes and it would pass some time.

I'm fairly certain Lordfortuna has had potentially sexy conversations with one of his exes and possibly someone from our guild since I met him, but meh. I know where he is most of the time and that's not Florida or California where they are, so whatever. He doesn't spend all his time chatting people up on the internet in any case.
 
2013-09-30 01:05:26 AM  
Sorry, but if we have children together and are making financial decisions together you have no reasonable expectation of privacy to engage in extra-marital affairs that threaten either the children or the financial stability of the family.

Or

If you are mentally ill and are being victimized by online predators.
 
2013-09-30 01:06:41 AM  

ciberido: RedPhoenix122: Mad_Radhu: If you are doing something on the side, its going to be in a separate account, firewalled from your personal one, so snooping isn't really going to tell the suspicious party anything unless there is a slip up.

You'd think so, but some people are dumb enough to use their Facebook accounts to try and hook up with other people.

You kids today with your Facebook.  In my day we used the personal columns in the paper.


I warned her she had to bring her own weapons and that her safety was not guaranteed.
 
2013-09-30 01:08:41 AM  

archichris: Sorry, but if we have children together and are making financial decisions together you have no reasonable expectation of privacy to engage in extra-marital affairs that threaten either the children or the financial stability of the family.

Or

If you are mentally ill and are being victimized by online predators.


I'm not feeling this "choose your own adventure" style of trolling.
 
2013-09-30 01:09:06 AM  
"Email snooping should immediately ends the relationship,"

So should poor grammar.
 
2013-09-30 01:10:07 AM  
baby, you knew I liked midget lesbian porn when you met me. why you giving me grief now when I want you to put on fishnets and a smile for pictures?
 
2013-09-30 01:11:45 AM  

archichris: Sorry, but if we have children together and are making financial decisions together you have no reasonable expectation of privacy to engage in extra-marital affairs that threaten either the children or the financial stability of the family.

Or

If you are mentally ill and are being victimized by online predators.


Sounds like you're first in line to give up all your passwords.
 
2013-09-30 01:13:25 AM  

UsikFark: ciberido: RedPhoenix122: Mad_Radhu: If you are doing something on the side, its going to be in a separate account, firewalled from your personal one, so snooping isn't really going to tell the suspicious party anything unless there is a slip up.

You'd think so, but some people are dumb enough to use their Facebook accounts to try and hook up with other people.

You kids today with your Facebook.  In my day we used the personal columns in the paper.

I warned her she had to bring her own weapons and that her safety was not guaranteed.



She told me "I have only done this once before."  And I foolishly believed her.
 
2013-09-30 01:14:36 AM  
Eh, my husband and I could get into each other's emails immediately if we wanted or needed to.  Just like we know the log on to each other's computers.  We just don't feel the need to go through stuff.  Though, to be fair, one Christmas he did leave his email open on my laptop and I saw the email from Amazon saying they'd shipped the kindle he was trying to surprise me with.  That was his own fault and I still pretended to be surprised.
 
2013-09-30 01:14:57 AM  
The girlfriend sounds like she has problems, but he did mention that her last boyfriend cheated on her -- if he was a really good gaslighter, I can see where she'd be somewhat paranoid about other people as well. Of course, that's the kind of shiat that should really be addressed *before* you start making a habit of getting into someone else's inbox without telling them.

I looked at my ex's email once, and it was a pretty miserable experience; I felt really dirty about it, even though I found exactly what I expected to, which is that during the last few months of our long-distance relationship he had been busy flirting with and finally hooking up with and dating a local girl. At the same time I can't say I totally regret it, because at least that way I knew for certain what was happening (he had been very uninformative except to tell me I was nuts for thinking something like that was going on) and that our relationship was most sincerely dead. Wouldn't do it again, though.
 
2013-09-30 01:16:26 AM  
ladyfortuna:

Wait, why is bored the worst? Not that snooping is my thing, but I DO get hella bored sometimes and it would pass some time.

Because a person who is so bored as to be snooping through their partner's e-mail is emotionally underemployed in the relationship and they are looking for someone to entertain them. The snooper doesn't need reassurance so a hug won't stop the behavior and they are not paranoid so it seems silly to dump them but no no no they can't watch a movie or listen to the radio they have to poke through your stuff because they are bored. GAH! If you are bored watch Oprah, that is what she is there for.
 
2013-09-30 01:16:34 AM  

UsikFark: archichris: Sorry, but if we have children together and are making financial decisions together you have no reasonable expectation of privacy to engage in extra-marital affairs that threaten either the children or the financial stability of the family.

Or

If you are mentally ill and are being victimized by online predators.

I'm not feeling this "choose your own adventure" style of trolling.


ecx.images-amazon.com
What a  "choose your own adventure" style of trolling might look like.
 
2013-09-30 01:17:33 AM  
Huh. I'm baffled by the "my partner has no expectation of privacy" affirmations - I've been married for over 13 years, and never has it occurred to me to "snoop" on my wife's mail. On the few occasions where I needed to get something from an email sent to her, I've just asked to read her email - and vice versa.

I've a great marriage, and I've no insecurity about our relationship - there's no need to "snoop." To paraphrase Heinlein, I believe such courtesy to be even more important between partners than it is between strangers.
 
2013-09-30 01:18:56 AM  
The actual joke: Fark headline making fun of others' grammar.
 
2013-09-30 01:19:00 AM  

wax_on: I once found out that I was dating an escort.  Sometimes snooping is worth it.


for free??? niiiiiice
 
2013-09-30 01:19:10 AM  
"But then there is this small percentage that is just inherently jealous and suspicious, which can't exist in a healthy, functioning relationship."

This is my ex, she was insane about this kind of thing. If I was 10 minutes late coming home she would accuse me of being up to something. (How the fark can you do anything in 10 minutes?) She would hide one of those small recorders around the house to see what I was up to when she was gone. If I made eye contact with a cashier at a store she would accuse me of checking her out. One time I took a handful of magazines out of a recycle bin and took them home to read, she saw the mailing label had some woman's name on them and went absolutely off the rails wanting to know who she was. This kind of behavior was an almost daily thing with her, it was a living hell the whole time we were together.
 
2013-09-30 01:29:21 AM  

ciberido: UsikFark: archichris: Sorry, but if we have children together and are making financial decisions together you have no reasonable expectation of privacy to engage in extra-marital affairs that threaten either the children or the financial stability of the family.

Or

If you are mentally ill and are being victimized by online predators.

I'm not feeling this "choose your own adventure" style of trolling.

[ecx.images-amazon.com image 300x300]
What a  "choose your own adventure" style of trolling might look like.


To rant about privacy, turn to page 34. To rant about the subtle insanity accusation, begin to smear feces on the underside of your desk.
 
2013-09-30 01:31:05 AM  
So what's the verdict when she snoops but finds mildly incriminating emails (I.e. overly familiar/flirty emails with a female friend who lived thousands of miles away, and one RL coffee. Really, just coffee.).

Friend/confident had to be secret because she was "forbidden".
 
2013-09-30 01:31:36 AM  

UsikFark: archichris: Sorry, but if we have children together and are making financial decisions together you have no reasonable expectation of privacy to engage in extra-marital affairs that threaten either the children or the financial stability of the family.

Or

If you are mentally ill and are being victimized by online predators.

I'm not feeling this "choose your own adventure" style of trolling.


Haha! Holy shiat
 
2013-09-30 01:32:13 AM  
I've ended more than one relationship when I've caught the girl snooping.

If I can't trust you, I can't be with you.  Simple as that.
 
2013-09-30 01:32:54 AM  

archichris: Sorry, but if we have children together and are making financial decisions together you have no reasonable expectation of privacy to engage in extra-marital affairs that threaten either the children or the financial stability of the family.

Or

If you are mentally ill and are being victimized by online predators.


Wait, doesn't having children cause mental illness?
 
2013-09-30 01:35:24 AM  
Vanis:

Friend/confident had to be secret because she was "forbidden".

??? who did the forbidding, I'm so lost.
 
2013-09-30 01:36:44 AM  

UsikFark: Mouren: I guess that whole open, honest and trustful thing isn't for this guy. Pity

Wide open like your head? Your brains are falling out, buddy. First of all, it's a violation of most any place's TOS to give out your password like that, so you're already giving them grounds to retire your account. Second of all, nothing good will come of it. Relationships end. People get angry.


This. Long time ago, I was troubleshooting a DNS problem for a company, and found out some things I really did not need to know about a co-worker. I've learned to actively avoid discovering things that friends, co-workers, and family don't volunteer to share. I dislike having to trawl through people's email or web history even when I don't know them.

(and it's quite possibly illegal as hell and/or grounds for instant termination at many employers)
 
2013-09-30 01:43:17 AM  

FormlessOne: Huh. I'm baffled by the "my partner has no expectation of privacy" affirmations - I've been married for over 13 years, and never has it occurred to me to "snoop" on my wife's mail. On the few occasions where I needed to get something from an email sent to her, I've just asked to read her email - and vice versa.

I've a great marriage, and I've no insecurity about our relationship - there's no need to "snoop." To paraphrase Heinlein, I believe such courtesy to be even more important between partners than it is between strangers.


Particularly since it isn't always even permissible to share, even if you thought it was a good idea. For example I work for a university, as such my work e-mail (which comes to my phone) can contain FERPA protected information. My phone is secured with a password for that reason and no, nobody gets to have it. I can get in trouble for letting people have access, no matter who they are.
 
2013-09-30 01:43:28 AM  

worlddan: Vanis:

Friend/confident had to be secret because she was "forbidden".

??? who did the forbidding, I'm so lost.


My friend and I had fallen out of touch due to distance. Years later we reconnected at a wedding. Girlfriend said she better not see her on my Facebook or that I'd emailed her.
 
2013-09-30 01:47:02 AM  

Vanis: worlddan: Vanis:

Friend/confident had to be secret because she was "forbidden".

??? who did the forbidding, I'm so lost.

My friend and I had fallen out of touch due to distance. Years later we reconnected at a wedding. Girlfriend said she better not see her on my Facebook or that I'd emailed her.


That sounds like an awesome relationship.

i.qkme.me
 
2013-09-30 01:52:23 AM  

worlddan: Vanis:

Friend/confident had to be secret because she was "forbidden".

??? who did the forbidding, I'm so lost.


The lambada. The forbidden dance.
 
2013-09-30 01:58:53 AM  

worlddan: ladyfortuna:

Wait, why is bored the worst? Not that snooping is my thing, but I DO get hella bored sometimes and it would pass some time.

Because a person who is so bored as to be snooping through their partner's e-mail is emotionally underemployed in the relationship and they are looking for someone to entertain them. The snooper doesn't need reassurance so a hug won't stop the behavior and they are not paranoid so it seems silly to dump them but no no no they can't watch a movie or listen to the radio they have to poke through your stuff because they are bored. GAH! If you are bored watch Oprah, that is what she is there for.


Holy shiat, why would you wish Oprah on anyone? I'm calling bullshiat, with that kind of advice you're the damaged one.

Also sometimes you've just watched all the movies and read all the books and played all the games (or don't want to play any of them) and you're just farking BORED and it has nothing to do with 'emotional employment' or whatever the fark you're on about...
 
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