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(Cracked)   The Dark Ages really weren't all that bad   (cracked.com) divider line 100
    More: Interesting, public health care, total war, division of labour, standard of living, Medieval Times  
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11186 clicks; posted to Main » on 27 Sep 2013 at 2:31 PM (29 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-09-27 02:31:38 PM
Warlords and barbarians roamed the land, every surface was covered by a layer of filth


They were generally an anarcho-syndicalist commune and would take turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
 
2013-09-27 02:34:46 PM
It was a sad time, when passing ruffians could say 'ni' at will to old ladies.
 
2013-09-27 02:36:20 PM
Welp, cross Cracked off the list of sources that conform and reinforce my worldview.
 
2013-09-27 02:36:29 PM
#4. Entertainment in the Dark Ages Consisted of Jousting and Sword Fights

Not true. They also had cock-fighting, bear-baiting and witch-dunking.
This was because they didn't have NetFlix.
 
2013-09-27 02:36:47 PM
Those images in TFA were cool.  I'm gonna to draw up a deck of playing cards and put them on Kickstarter.
 
2013-09-27 02:36:59 PM
Sure! All you had to worry about was pleasing your local lord. And roving bands of outlaws; and wars; and plagues; and the church finding out that you're a witch. Not to mention the rapey rape.
 
2013-09-27 02:37:11 PM
Especially when you play as Norse in the Old Gods DLC, where you can take the captured wives and daughters of your defeated enemies as concubines.

it's good to be the King.
 
2013-09-27 02:39:03 PM
I'm all nostalgic for rickets and ringworm now.
 
2013-09-27 02:41:08 PM
Endless nights would have depressed me to no end.
 
2013-09-27 02:41:19 PM
I much prefer the Fark ages.
 
2013-09-27 02:42:07 PM
Next up: "Black Death" wasn't as dark or killy as advertised.
 
2013-09-27 02:43:03 PM
5 stinking items and it STILL was stretched over 2 pages...

And, if you didn't know this stuff before you read the article, you never had me as a professor...
 
2013-09-27 02:43:08 PM
The actual reason they're called the Dark Ages is that we don't actually have very much in the way of records concerning them: we are "in the dark" about them, as it were. The idea of the term "dark age" as a value judgment did not occur until much later. Now, of course, it's all people know, but it's not the way the term got its start.
 
2013-09-27 02:44:09 PM
Neither was the Spanish Inquisition as some historical revisions would have it.
 
2013-09-27 02:44:24 PM
"...and tomorrow ain't as good as it se-ee-eems..."

www.showbiz411.com
 
2013-09-27 02:44:42 PM
For one thing, slavery went out of style during the Dark Ages. Romans had notoriously loved them some slaves, but improvements in farming technology and better-bred draft animals made forced human labor less necessary as time progressed. Instead, the classes that would probably have found themselves in slavery were mostly either free workers or, at worst, serfs. The latter were still technically not free (they couldn't leave the land without their lord's permission), but enjoyed a much greater freedom than slaves.

That's primarily why the concept of a "serfing Safari" didn't arise until the 1960's
 
2013-09-27 02:44:55 PM

illannoyin: I much prefer the Fark ages.



18+?
 
2013-09-27 02:47:45 PM
Approx 50% of the people died of The Plague. That alone is pretty terrible.  Towns and cities half empty. (maybe I should of made that into a haiku)

Burning books. That too makes it unlivable.
 
2013-09-27 02:47:55 PM
Yeah... pretty much every attempt I've ever seen to "rehabilitate" the reputation of the Dark (Early-Middle if you prefer) Ages has fallen flat, this one included.
 
2013-09-27 02:48:52 PM
 
2013-09-27 02:49:01 PM
Farking revisionist bullshiat. My great, great, great, great, great Grandfather died in the Inquisition so I don't find it funny, at all. He got an infection on a cut on his hand while anal pearing a peasant and later died.
 
2013-09-27 02:49:46 PM

Millennium: The actual reason they're called the Dark Ages is that we don't actually have very much in the way of records concerning them: we are "in the dark" about them, as it were. The idea of the term "dark age" as a value judgment did not occur until much later. Now, of course, it's all people know, but it's not the way the term got its start.


Or maybe they didn't even exist at all, and we actually just accidentally inserted an extra 300 years into our calendars.
 
2013-09-27 02:49:52 PM

Skyrmion: Yeah... pretty much every attempt I've ever seen to "rehabilitate" the reputation of the Dark (Early-Middle if you prefer) Ages has fallen flat, this one included.


They could start by rebranding it.  Dark Ages has terrible connotations.  Like a bad baseball team, call it the "rebuilding ages"
 
2013-09-27 02:52:26 PM

uber humper: Skyrmion: Yeah... pretty much every attempt I've ever seen to "rehabilitate" the reputation of the Dark (Early-Middle if you prefer) Ages has fallen flat, this one included.

They could start by rebranding it.  Dark Ages has terrible connotations.  Like a bad baseball team, call it the "rebuilding ages"


Carolingian renaissance ftw
 
2013-09-27 02:53:36 PM

Skyrmion: Yeah... pretty much every attempt I've ever seen to "rehabilitate" the reputation of the Dark (Early-Middle if you prefer) Ages has fallen flat, this one included.


Is this really a thing? To rehab the rep of the Dark Ages? Lemme guess, Christians tired of having it thrown in their faces?
 
2013-09-27 02:53:45 PM
Wait the Dark Ages also covered the Middle Ages?

In Britain the Dark Ages is from the retreat of the Roman Empire to the Norman Conquest. After that its the early Middle Ages.
 
2013-09-27 02:54:44 PM

NutWrench: #4. Entertainment in the Dark Ages Consisted of Jousting and Sword Fights

Not true. They also had cock-fighting, bear-baiting and witch-dunking.
This was because they didn't have NetFlix.


They did have NetFlix, only back then it was only reruns of old cock fights, bear baits, and witch dunks.

Also, they lacked televisions on which to watch any of it.
 
2013-09-27 02:54:54 PM
The Dark Ages really weren't all that bad

Shh. You're taking away some of the bullshiat talking points of lefties and atheists who like to pretend Christianity somehow stopped human progress for a thousand years.

/even though it had absolutely no influence in areas like China and many parts of the world
//I guess it isn't called "progress" unless it's done by white Europeans
 
2013-09-27 02:54:57 PM

Millennium: The actual reason they're called the Dark Ages is that we don't actually have very much in the way of records concerning them: we are "in the dark" about them, as it were. The idea of the term "dark age" as a value judgment did not occur until much later. Now, of course, it's all people know, but it's not the way the term got its start.


Also, the time period of the "Dark Ages" only covered part of the Middle Ages (roughly from the late 400s to the 700s) and really only applied to Western Europe and Britain.  The eastern half of the former Roman Empire (now referred to as the Byzantine Empire) continued to mostly thrive during this time.
 
2013-09-27 02:56:43 PM

Skyrmion: Yeah... pretty much every attempt I've ever seen to "rehabilitate" the reputation of the Dark (Early-Middle if you prefer) Ages has fallen flat, this one included.


Agreed.  People who know squat about actual history don't like it when they get told that they've been wrong all these years, so attempts to educate them often fall flat.  Heck, there are still some people shuffling around who think that everyone used to believe that the world was flat until Columbus proved that it was round.
 
2013-09-27 02:58:02 PM

Apik0r0s: Skyrmion: Yeah... pretty much every attempt I've ever seen to "rehabilitate" the reputation of the Dark (Early-Middle if you prefer) Ages has fallen flat, this one included.

Is this really a thing? To rehab the rep of the Dark Ages? Lemme guess, Christians

real historians tired of having it thrown in their faces?

FTFY.
 
2013-09-27 02:59:30 PM

peterthx: The Dark Ages really weren't all that bad

Shh. You're taking away some of the bullshiat talking points of lefties and atheists who like to pretend Christianity somehow stopped human progress for a thousand years.

/even though it had absolutely no influence in areas like China and many parts of the world
//I guess it isn't called "progress" unless it's done by white Europeans


This just in, the religious terror campaign known as the Inquisition was just something liberals made up, like the Crusades and science.
 
2013-09-27 03:01:17 PM

Norfolking Chance: Wait the Dark Ages also covered the Middle Ages?



I would assume the Dark Ages cover everything from the fall of the Western Roman Empire up to the Renaissance, so yes.
 
2013-09-27 03:04:35 PM
Apik0r0s: This just in, the religious terror campaign known as the Inquisition was just something liberals made up, like the Crusades and science.

Tell me how those stopped a thousand years of human progress.
 
2013-09-27 03:05:25 PM

peterthx: The Dark Ages really weren't all that bad

Shh. You're taking away some of the bullshiat talking points of lefties and atheists who like to pretend Christianity somehow stopped human progress for a thousand years.

/even though it had absolutely no influence in areas like China and many parts of the world
//I guess it isn't called "progress" unless it's done by white Europeans


China stopped their own progress because they thought they knew it all.  By the time they realized they didn't it was too late.

/Source: My Chinese colleagues
 
2013-09-27 03:07:42 PM

peterthx: Apik0r0s: This just in, the religious terror campaign known as the Inquisition was just something liberals made up, like the Crusades and science.

Tell me how those stopped a thousand years of human progress.


Someone drew a picture.  That's proof enough.
 
2013-09-27 03:07:48 PM

Apik0r0s: peterthx: The Dark Ages really weren't all that bad

Shh. You're taking away some of the bullshiat talking points of lefties and atheists who like to pretend Christianity somehow stopped human progress for a thousand years.

/even though it had absolutely no influence in areas like China and many parts of the world
//I guess it isn't called "progress" unless it's done by white Europeans

This just in, the religious terror campaign known as the Inquisition was just something liberals made up, like the Crusades and science.


The Inquisition wasn't necessarily a moral blot on history unless you were a protestant historian. And funny thing is, there's all these British historians ready to go on about Spanish villainy. Leaving out the endless witch burnings. Just like the Black Hole of Calcutta was a real thing.
 
2013-09-27 03:09:38 PM
d202m5krfqbpi5.cloudfront.net
 
2013-09-27 03:10:02 PM

Apik0r0s: Skyrmion: Yeah... pretty much every attempt I've ever seen to "rehabilitate" the reputation of the Dark (Early-Middle if you prefer) Ages has fallen flat, this one included.

Is this really a thing? To rehab the rep of the Dark Ages? Lemme guess, Christians tired of having it thrown in their faces?


Sure, this article is far from alone. As for the whole "Christianity causing the downfall of the Roman Empire" thing, that's complete bollocks, but also a separate issue.
 
2013-09-27 03:10:25 PM

NDP2: Millennium: The actual reason they're called the Dark Ages is that we don't actually have very much in the way of records concerning them: we are "in the dark" about them, as it were. The idea of the term "dark age" as a value judgment did not occur until much later. Now, of course, it's all people know, but it's not the way the term got its start.

Also, the time period of the "Dark Ages" only covered part of the Middle Ages (roughly from the late 400s to the 700s) and really only applied to Western Europe and Britain.  The eastern half of the former Roman Empire (now referred to as the Byzantine Empire) continued to mostly thrive during this time.


Well the SECOND Dark Age, People always seem to forget abou the Greek Dark Ages in 1100-700 Bc for some reason
 
2013-09-27 03:12:55 PM
Apparently, if your posts show up on my screen in Troll Red, you think the Dark Ages was a panacea, all brought to you by Jeebus and his followers.
 
2013-09-27 03:13:39 PM

Apik0r0s: This just in, the religious terror campaign known as the Inquisition was just something liberals made up.


The inquisition didn't really care about science. If you were an atheist scientist you just had to say you were cool with Jesus to make them go away, then get back to sciencing.

Although modern atheists who might want to argue about it would have had a bad time.
 
2013-09-27 03:16:53 PM
You are all referring to events in the later middle ages: plague (peak years 1348-50), inquisition (1184-1230s, Spanish inquisition established in 1478), witchburning (1300's - 1700's), etc all happened after the "Dark Ages" 5th-10th centuries.

In fact, regarding the burning of witches, the so called "dark ages" were more enlightened than the later Renaissance times. The general desire of the Catholic Church's clergy to check fanaticism about witchcraft and necromancy is shown in the decrees of the Council of Paderborn which in 785 explicitly outlawed condemning people as witches, and condemned to death anyone who burnt a witch. Emperor Charlemagne later confirmed the law. The Council of Frankfurt in 794, called by Charlemagne, was also very explicit in condemning "the persecution of alleged witches and wizards", calling the belief in witchcraft "superstitious", and ordering the death penalty for those who presumed to burn witches
 
2013-09-27 03:17:21 PM

Apik0r0s: Skyrmion: Yeah... pretty much every attempt I've ever seen to "rehabilitate" the reputation of the Dark (Early-Middle if you prefer) Ages has fallen flat, this one included.

Is this really a thing? To rehab the rep of the Dark Ages? Lemme guess, Christians tired of having it thrown in their faces?


No, historians are.
 
2013-09-27 03:17:21 PM

Son of Thunder: Skyrmion: Yeah... pretty much every attempt I've ever seen to "rehabilitate" the reputation of the Dark (Early-Middle if you prefer) Ages has fallen flat, this one included.

Agreed.  People who know squat about actual history don't like it when they get told that they've been wrong all these years, so attempts to educate them often fall flat.  Heck, there are still some people shuffling around who think that everyone used to believe that the world was flat until Columbus proved that it was round.


No, mostly it's a combination of 1) social scientists with a fear of appearing to pass judgement, and 2) a bias toward always trying to conclude that whatever popular picture exists is wrong, because that's what sounds interesting.

Just once I'd like to see someone honest enough to do a study that goes along the lines of, "Well most people think time-and-place-X was like such-and-such, but when you look at it in more detail... it turns out they're pretty much right, at least in approximation."
 
2013-09-27 03:19:47 PM

satanorsanta: peterthx: The Dark Ages really weren't all that bad

Shh. You're taking away some of the bullshiat talking points of lefties and atheists who like to pretend Christianity somehow stopped human progress for a thousand years.

/even though it had absolutely no influence in areas like China and many parts of the world
//I guess it isn't called "progress" unless it's done by white Europeans

China stopped their own progress because they thought they knew it all.  By the time they realized they didn't it was too late.

/Source: My Chinese colleagues


There is no way Chinese nationals are that willing to admit their nation's own shortcomings.
 
2013-09-27 03:20:55 PM

Apik0r0s: peterthx: The Dark Ages really weren't all that bad

Shh. You're taking away some of the bullshiat talking points of lefties and atheists who like to pretend Christianity somehow stopped human progress for a thousand years.

/even though it had absolutely no influence in areas like China and many parts of the world
//I guess it isn't called "progress" unless it's done by white Europeans

This just in, the religious terror campaign known as the Inquisition was just something liberals made up, like the Crusades and science.



Most popular portrayals of the Inquisition are about as accurate as the song & dance routine that Mel Brooks did.
And not nearly as entertaining.
 
2013-09-27 03:22:38 PM
ah, the good ol' days of "throwing your poo out of the closest window available."
 
2013-09-27 03:23:15 PM

catmandu: You are all referring to events in the later middle ages: plague (peak years 1348-50), inquisition (1184-1230s, Spanish inquisition established in 1478), witchburning (1300's - 1700's), etc all happened after the "Dark Ages" 5th-10th centuries.

In fact, regarding the burning of witches, the so called "dark ages" were more enlightened than the later Renaissance times. The general desire of the Catholic Church's clergy to check fanaticism about witchcraft and necromancy is shown in the decrees of the Council of Paderborn which in 785 explicitly outlawed condemning people as witches, and condemned to death anyone who burnt a witch. Emperor Charlemagne later confirmed the law. The Council of Frankfurt in 794, called by Charlemagne, was also very explicit in condemning "the persecution of alleged witches and wizards", calling the belief in witchcraft "superstitious", and ordering the death penalty for those who presumed to burn witches


Hush you! Facts don't belong here!

/ they had Viking raids in the dark ages
 
2013-09-27 03:27:10 PM

give me doughnuts: Apik0r0s: peterthx: The Dark Ages really weren't all that bad

Shh. You're taking away some of the bullshiat talking points of lefties and atheists who like to pretend Christianity somehow stopped human progress for a thousand years.

/even though it had absolutely no influence in areas like China and many parts of the world
//I guess it isn't called "progress" unless it's done by white Europeans

This just in, the religious terror campaign known as the Inquisition was just something liberals made up, like the Crusades and science.


Most popular portrayals of the Inquisition are about as accurate as the song & dance routine that Mel Brooks did.
And not nearly as entertaining.


I wasn't expecting some kind of Spanish Inquisition.

/ fun fact; one of the grand inquisitors was actually named torquemada. His Name was even pronounced talkemada
 
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