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(Onion AV Club)   The worst possible songs to have playing when you're having sex. Is there any better mood killer than Harry Chapin's Cat's in the Cradle or The Carpenters' Superstar?   (avclub.com) divider line 75
    More: Silly, Harry Chapin, Steve Albini, Cinemax, comedy album, Risky Business, no sex, Big Black  
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3012 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 20 Sep 2013 at 9:53 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-09-20 09:11:23 AM
5 votes:
All of a sudden I began to change
I was on the dance floor acting strange
Flapping my arms I began to cluck
Look at me..
I'm the disco duck
2013-09-20 10:36:23 AM
4 votes:
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It;s a small, small, world.

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It;s a small, small, world.

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It;s a small, small, world.

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It;s a small, small, world.

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It;s a small, small, world.

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It;s a small, small, world.

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It;s a small, small, world.

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It;s a small, small, world.

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It;s a small, small, world.

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It;s a small, small, world.

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It;s a small, small, world.

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It;s a small, small, world.

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It;s a small, small, world.

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It;s a small, small, world.

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It;s a small, small, world.

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It;s a small, small, world.
2013-09-20 10:04:57 AM
4 votes:

Coco LaFemme: Any song playing in the background is the worst song to be playing during sex. You're supposed to be focused on that other person and what you're doing to them and what they're doing to you, not worried about what caterwauling is coming out of your stereo.



Those lyrics are unfamiliar. Hint?
2013-09-20 10:07:34 AM
3 votes:
Randy Newman's "Short People"
2013-09-20 10:05:17 AM
3 votes:
Thank Heaven For Little Girls was probably the worst random shuffle incident I ever experienced.
2013-09-20 09:53:54 AM
3 votes:
Turns them on everytime....

Are you ready kids?
Aye-aye captain.
I can't hear you...
Aye-aye captain!
Oh! Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
SpongeBob SquarePants!
Absorbant and yellow and porous is he!
SpongeBob SquarePants!
If nautical nonsense is something you wish...
SpongeBob SquarePants!
Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish!
SpongeBob Squarepants!
Ready?
SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob Squarepants!
SpongeBob... SquarePants!
2013-09-20 09:22:56 AM
3 votes:
Day or so had passed when I popped the clutch, gave the tranny a spin and slid on into The Stinky Pinky Gulp N' Guzzle Big Rig Snooze-A-Stop.
There I was browsin' through the latest issue of "Throb", when I saw Bambi starin' at me from the back of a milk carton. Well, my heart just dropped.
So, I decided to do what any good Christian would. You can not imagine how difficult it is to hold a half gallon of moo juice and polish the
One-eyed gopher when your doin' seventy-five in an eighteen-wheeler. I never thought missing children could be so sexy. Did I say that out loud?
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is crying
2013-09-20 09:00:50 AM
3 votes:
Ray Stephen's "Mississippi Squirrel."
2013-09-20 08:54:10 AM
3 votes:
I'm the Scatman
sibby dibby di yon do do do
yon do do do
sibby dibby di yon do do do
yon do do do
I'm the Scatman
sibby dibby di yon do do do
yon do do do
sibby dibby di yon do do do
yon do do do
ba daba daba wee don don do do do
wee don don do do do ....


/ew
2013-09-20 08:38:39 AM
3 votes:
One day while I was not at home
While she was there and all alone
The angels came
Now all I have is memories of Honey
And I wake up nights and call her name
Now my life's an empty stage
Where Honey lived and Honey played
And love grew up
And a small cloud passes overhead
And cries down on the flower bed
That Honey loved

And honey, I miss you
And I'm bein' good
And I'd love to be with you
If only I could
2013-09-20 08:18:27 AM
3 votes:
They might have split up or they might have capsized;
they may have broke deep and took water.
And all that remains is the faces and the names
of the wives and the sons and the daughters.
2013-09-20 11:30:16 AM
2 votes:
i235.photobucket.com
We celebrate a day of peace,
a day of harmony,
a day of joy we all can share,
together joyously;

a day that takes us through the darkness,
a day that leads us into might,
a day that makes us want to celebrate,
the liiiiight...

a day that brings the promise
that one day we'll be free...
to live, to laugh,
to dream, to grow,
to trust, to love,
to be!
2013-09-20 11:30:14 AM
2 votes:
Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-doo,
I've got a perfect puzzle for you.
Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-dee,
If you are wise you'll listen to me.
What do you get when you guzzle down sweets?
Eating as much as an elephant eats.
What are you at getting terribly fat?
What do you think will come of that?
I don't like the look of it
Oompa Loompa do-ba-dee-da,
Given good manners you will go far.
You will live in happiness too,
Like the oompa loompa do-ba-dee-doo.
Do-ba-dee-doo
2013-09-20 11:23:53 AM
2 votes:

Ghost Roach: Sam & Dave

http://youtu.be/AREppyQf5uw

/because it only lasts for two minutes


Tighten Up could be worse
2013-09-20 11:20:41 AM
2 votes:
Young girl, get out of my mind
My love for you is way out of line
Better run, girl
You're much too young, girl
2013-09-20 11:14:00 AM
2 votes:
Well the telephone is ringing,
Is that my mother on the phone?
Telephone is ringing,
Is that my mother on the phone?
The telephone is screaming,
Won't she leave me alone?
The telephone is ringing,
Is that my mother on the phone?

Well every girl that I go out with
Becomes my mother in the end.
Every girl I go out with
Becomes my mother in the end.
Well I hear my mother calling,
But I don't need her as a friend.
Well every girl I go out with
Becomes my mother in the end.

Oh, oh mother
Oh mother dear please listen
And don't devour me.
Oh mother dear please listen
Don't devour me.
Oh women please have mercy
Let this poor boy be.
Oh mother dear please listen
And don't devour me.
Oh mother

Well the telephone is ringing
Is that my mother on the phone?
Telephone is ringing
Is that my mother on the phone?
The telephone is screaming,
Won't she leave me alone?
The telephone is ringing,
Is that my mother on the phone?

Ohhhh....mother
2013-09-20 10:31:42 AM
2 votes:
Dude looks like a lady.
2013-09-20 10:21:56 AM
2 votes:
Dear Mr. Jesus
I just had to write to you
something really scared me when I saw it on the news
a story bout a little girl
beaten black and blue
Jesus thought I'd send this right to you
dear Mr. Jesus
I don't understand
why they took her mom and dad away
I know that they don't mean to hit
with wild and angry hands
show them just how big they are i pray

(Chorus)
please don't let them hurt your children
we need love and shelter from the storm
please don't let them hurt your children
won't you keep us safe and warm
2013-09-20 10:15:40 AM
2 votes:
Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don't think I can take it
Cause it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe agaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin, oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooo
2013-09-20 10:12:22 AM
2 votes:
What in the world is that thing?
Do you need some tweezers to put that little thing away
That has got to be the smallest dick
I've ever seen in my whole life
I have ever seen in my whole life
Get the fark outta here
Iny weeny teeny weeny
Shriveled little short dick man
Don't want don't want don't want don't want
Don't want don't want don't want don't want
2013-09-20 10:01:02 AM
2 votes:
Goodbye to you, my trusted friend.
We've known each other since we're nine or ten.
Together we climbed hills or trees.
Learned of love and ABC's,
skinned our hearts and skinned our knees.
Goodbye my friend, it's hard to die,
when all the birds are singing in the sky,
Now that the spring is in the air.
Pretty girls are everywhere.
When you see them I'll be there.
We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.
But the hills that we climbed
were just seasons out of time.
2013-09-20 09:40:58 AM
2 votes:
Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads
Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up, yum!
2013-09-20 08:41:21 AM
2 votes:
Want some whiskey in your water?
Sugar in your tea?
What's all these crazy questions they're askin' me?
This is the craziest party that could ever be
Don't turn on the lights 'cause I don't wanna see
Mama told me not to come
Mama told me not to come
That ain't the way to have fun, no
2013-09-20 08:37:49 AM
2 votes:
I was on the outskirts of a little southern town
Trying to reach my destination before the sun went down
The old CB was blarin' away on Channel 1-9
When there came a little boy's voice on the radio line
And he said breaker 1-9 is anyone there
Come on back truckers and talk to Teddy Bear
I keyed the mike and I said you got it Teddy Bear
And the little boy's voice came back on the air
Appreciate the breaker who we got on that end
I told him my handle and then he began
Though I'm not supposed to bother you fellows out there
Mom says you're busy and for me to stay off the air
But you see I get lonely and it helps to talk
Cause that's about all I can do I'm crippled and I can't walk
I came back and told him to fire up that mike
And I'd talk to him as long as he'd liked
This was my dad's radio the little boy said
But I guess it's mine and mom's now cause my daddy's dead
2013-09-20 08:30:35 AM
2 votes:
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my mama, please
It's Christmas eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful, if mama meets Jesus tonight
2013-09-20 08:28:51 AM
2 votes:
The Christmas Shoes
2013-09-20 02:55:09 PM
1 votes:
Inflammation of the foreskin reminds me of your smile
I've had ballanital chancroids for quite a little while
I gave my heart to NSU, that lovely night in June
I ache for you my darling and I hope you'll get well soon

My penile warts your herpes, my syphilitic sores
Your moenelial infection, how I miss you more and more
Your dobie's itch, my scrumpox, our lovely gonorrhea
At least we both were lying, when we said that we were clear

I clapped out genitalia is not so bad for me
As the complete and utter failure, every time I try to pee
I'm dying from your love my love, I'm your spirochaetal clown
I've left my body to science, but I'm afraid they've turned it down

Gonococcal urethritis, streptococcal ballinitis
Meningo myelitis, diplococcal cephalitis
Epididymitis, interstitial keratitis
Syphilitic choroiditis and anterior uveitis
2013-09-20 02:36:34 PM
1 votes:
Pablo Fransisco bit (NSFW Language)
2013-09-20 02:20:16 PM
1 votes:
great green gobs of greasy-grimey gopher-guts...
2013-09-20 01:54:35 PM
1 votes:
2013-09-20 01:43:05 PM
1 votes:

Donnchadha: Anything "Kidz Bop"


Well, that depends entirely on how old your girlfriend is...
2013-09-20 01:29:37 PM
1 votes:
Luka, Susan Vega
2013-09-20 01:21:07 PM
1 votes:
Oh good, don't know any of those.
Of course, don't get to have sex either so it doesn't matter.
2013-09-20 01:20:04 PM
1 votes:
Sunday Bloody Sunday, U2
2013-09-20 01:04:34 PM
1 votes:
No Lola?
2013-09-20 01:03:52 PM
1 votes:
I clicked on this thread hoping for a chuckle or two and now I just want to cry.

Thanks Fark!

/oblig. Welcome to Fark jpeg.
2013-09-20 12:40:51 PM
1 votes:
"Powerhouse" by Raymond Scott.
Actually, I should try that one.
2013-09-20 11:22:12 AM
1 votes:
In the year 4545
Ain't gonna need your teeth, won't need your eyes
You won't find a thing to chew
Nobody's gonna look at you
2013-09-20 11:21:38 AM
1 votes:
I used to love her
But I had to kill her
I used to love her, Mm, yeah
But I had to kill her
I had to put her six feet under
And I can still hear her complain
2013-09-20 11:19:45 AM
1 votes:
Remember when you ran away and I got on my knees and begged you not to leave because I'd go berzerk?
Well, you left me anyhow and the days got worse and worse and now you see I've gone completely out of my mind.
And
They're coming to take me away Ha Ha
They're coming to take me away ho ho he he ha ha
to the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time, and I'll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats
and they're coming to take me away ha ha

You thought it was joke and so you laughed, you laughed when I had said that losing you would make me flip my lid, right?
You know you laughed, I heard you laugh, you laughed, you laughed and laughed and then you left, but now you know I'm utterly mad.

And
they're coming to take me away Ha Ha
They're coming to take me away ho ho he he ha ha
To the happy home with trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes
They're coming to take me away ha ha...

I cooked your food, I cleaned your house, and this is how you paid me back for all my kind unselfish loving deeds. Huh?
Well you just wait they'll find you yet, and when they do they'll put you in the ASPCA you mangy mutt.

And
They're coming to take me away Ha Ha
They're coming to take me away ho ho he he ha ha
To the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be happy to see those nice men in their clean white coats
They're coming to take me away Ha Ha
To the happy home with trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket weavers who sit and smile and twiddle thier thumbs and toes
They're coming to take me away Ha Ha
2013-09-20 11:15:53 AM
1 votes:
Bury me softly in this womb
I kept this part of me from you
Sand rains down and here I sit
Holding rare flowers
In a tomb... in bloom
Down in a hole and I don't know if I can be saved
See my heart I decorate it like a grave
Well you don't understand who they
Thought I was supposed to be
Look at me now I'm a man
Who won't let himself be
Down in a hole, feelin so small
Down in a hole, losin my soul
I'd like to fly,
But my wings have been so denied
Ant
2013-09-20 11:14:19 AM
1 votes:
Lost my virginity to this:


I met you on somebody's island
You thought you had known me before
I brought you a crate of papaya
They waited all night by your door
You probably wouldn't remember
I probably couldn't forget
Jungle love in the surf in the pouring rain
Everything's better when wet

Jungle love it's drivin' me mad It's makin' me crazy
Jungle love it's drivin' me mad It's makin' me crazy
2013-09-20 11:03:49 AM
1 votes:
I love you You love me
We're a happy family
With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you.
Won't you say you love me too
I love you You love me
We're best friends like friends should be
With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you.
Won't you say you love me too
I love you You love me
We're a happy family
With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you.
Won't you say you love me too
I love you You love me
We're best friends like friends should be
With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you.
Won't you say you love me too
2013-09-20 11:03:26 AM
1 votes:
Yo Ho, Yo Ho , a pirate's life for meeee...
2013-09-20 11:02:07 AM
1 votes:
It's a great big universeAnd we're all really puny.We're just tiny little specksAbout the size of Mickey Rooney.It's big and black and inkyAnd we are small and dinkyIt's a big universe and we're not.
2013-09-20 11:02:06 AM
1 votes:
The Hamster Dance?
2013-09-20 11:01:15 AM
1 votes:
1812 Overture.
2013-09-20 11:01:04 AM
1 votes:
This list fails for lack of Poisoning Pigeons in the Park.
2013-09-20 10:43:30 AM
1 votes:
Nirvana, Rape Me.
2013-09-20 10:40:47 AM
1 votes:
Roly Poly eatin' corn and taters
He's hungry every minute of the day
Roly Poly gnawin' on a biscuit
And as long as he can chew it, it's okay

He can eat an apple pie, never even bat his eye
He likes everything from a soup to hay
Roly Poly daddy's little fatty
I'll bet he's gonna be a man someday
2013-09-20 10:38:08 AM
1 votes:
4'33"
2013-09-20 10:31:38 AM
1 votes:
So now I'm praying for the end of time
To hurry up and arrive
'Cause if I gotta spend another minute with you
I don't think that I can really survive
I'll never break my promise or forget my vow
But God only knows what I can do right now
I'm praying for the end of time
It's all that I can do
Praying for the end of time,
So I can end my time with you!!
2013-09-20 10:22:48 AM
1 votes:
In a little while from now
If I'm not feeling any less sour
I promise myself to treat myself
And visit a nearby tower
And climbing to the top
Will throw myself off
In an effort to
Make it clear to whoever
Wants to know what it's like
When you're shattered
Left standing in the lurch at a church
Were people are saying, My God, that's tough
She stood him up
No point in us remaining
We may as well go home
As I did on my own
Alone again, naturally

/CSB: I personally have ruined Dueling Banjoes for someone by matching my pace to the song's.
2013-09-20 10:20:07 AM
1 votes:
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Comin' home from our house Christmas eve
Now, you might think there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe
2013-09-20 10:18:24 AM
1 votes:
Drop kick me Jesus through the Goal Posts of Life Link
2013-09-20 10:17:02 AM
1 votes:
The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald
2013-09-20 10:10:16 AM
1 votes:
Back through the years
I go wonderin once again
Back to the seasons of my youth
I recall a box of rags that someone gave us
And how my momma put the rags to use

There were rags of many colors
Every piece was small
And I didn't have a coat
And it was way down in the fall
Momma sewed the rags together
Sewin every piece with love
She made my coat of many colors
That I was so proud of
As she sewed, she told a story
From the bible, she had read
About a coat of many colors
Joseph wore and then she said

Perhaps this coat will bring you
Good luck and happiness
And I just couldnt wait to wear it
And momma blessed it with a kiss

Chorus:
My coat of many colors
That my momma made for me
Made only from rags
But I wore it so proudly
Although we had no money
I was rich as I could be
In my coat of many colors
My momma made for me

So with patches on my britches
Holes in both my shoes
In my coat of many colors
I hurried off to school
Just to find the others laughing
And making fun of me
In my coat of many colors
My momma made for me

And oh I couldnt understand it
For I felt I was rich
And I told them of the love
My momma sewed in every stitch
And I told em all the story
Momma told me while she sewed
And how my coat of many colors
Was worth more than all their clothes

But they didn't understand it
And I tried to make them see
That one is only poor
Only if they choose to be
Now I know we had no money
But I was rich as I could be
In my coat of many colors
My momma made for me
Made just for me
2013-09-20 10:03:20 AM
1 votes:
mood killer...
People Who've Died - Jim Carroll Band

honourable mentions...
50 Ways to Leave Your Lover - Paul Simon
The Legend of Billy Jack - Coven
Detachable Penis - King Missle

participation awards...
Mother or Good Bye Blue Sky - Pink Floyd
Radar Love - Golden Earring
Jeremy - Pearl Jam
2013-09-20 10:00:13 AM
1 votes:

minoridiot: Turns them on everytime....


In case you don't have that queued up, it also works to tell your partner "Say my name!" and when they say something, just say "I can't hear you!" in the appropriate pirate voice. If the answer is not changed to "Spongebob Squarepants", kick them out of bed and go watch cartoons.
2013-09-20 10:00:03 AM
1 votes:
Fat Bottomed Girls
2013-09-20 09:59:37 AM
1 votes:
"Why Does It Hurt When I Pee" - Frank Zappa
"Social Disease" - Elton John

/won't copy-pasta lyrics
2013-09-20 09:55:48 AM
1 votes:
Any song playing in the background is the worst song to be playing during sex.  You're supposed to be focused on that other person and what you're doing to them and what they're doing to you, not worried about what caterwauling is coming out of your stereo.
2013-09-20 09:50:38 AM
1 votes:
I was born and raised down in Alabama
On a farm way back up in the woods
I was so ragged that folks used to call me Patches
Papa used to tease me about it
'Cause deep down inside he was hurt
'Cause he'd done all he could
2013-09-20 09:45:37 AM
1 votes:
We was huntin' bear in our rockin' chair out on I-40
Dodgin' bumps in pick-up trucks in west New Mexico
It was a cloudy day and me and ole Jay just about bored to tears
But we come awake when a C.B. breaker come a ringin' loud and clear
We heard this voice that we ain't never heard before sayin'
(Break 19, I'm C.B Savage, Hi all you 18 wheelers
Anyone seen any smokey bears,
How about some bears smoking, aha C.B. Savage here come-on)
2013-09-20 09:45:28 AM
1 votes:
Anything "Kidz Bop"
2013-09-20 09:36:03 AM
1 votes:

Sybarite: They might have split up or they might have capsized;
they may have broke deep and took water.
And all that remains is the faces and the names
of the wives and the sons and the daughters.


Dammit I showed up too late once again.....
2013-09-20 09:25:26 AM
1 votes:
Basically the whole GG Allin songbook.  His fecal micropeened presentation didn't actually do much to crank up the "moist" either.
2013-09-20 09:15:54 AM
1 votes:
I'm an old cowhand from the Rio Grande
But my legs ain't bowed
And my cheeks ain't tanned
I'm a cowboy who never saw a cow
Never roped a steer 'cause I don't know how
And I sure ain't fixin' to start in now
Yippie yi yo ki yay
2013-09-20 09:10:18 AM
1 votes:
It's Friday!
Friday!
2013-09-20 08:43:46 AM
1 votes:
Phantom 309

Teddy bear

Too drunk to fark.
2013-09-20 08:33:58 AM
1 votes:
My name is Luka
I live on the second floor
I live upstairs from you
Yes, I think you've seen me before
If you hear something late at night
Some kind of trouble, some kind of fight
Just don't ask me what it was
2013-09-20 08:32:33 AM
1 votes:
Teddy sniffing glue, he was 12 years old
Fell from the roof on East Two-nine
Cathy was 11 when she pulled the plug
On 26 reds and a bottle of wine
Bobby got leukemia, 14 years old
He looked like 65 when he died
He was a friend of mine

Those are people who died, died
They were all my friends, and they died
jbc [TotalFark]
2013-09-20 08:30:52 AM
1 votes:
Mama tries hard to pretend
Things will get better again
Somehow she's keeping it all inside her

But finally the tears fill our eyes
And I know that somewhere tonight
She knows how much we really miss her

Shannon is gone I hope she's drifting out to sea
She always loved to swim away
Maybe she'll find an island with a shady tree
Just like the one in our backyard
2013-09-20 08:30:37 AM
1 votes:
I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long
Like a worn-out recording, of a favorite song
So while she lay there sleeping, I read the paper in bed
And in the personals column, there was this letter I read
"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain
If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape
I'm the lady you've looked for, write to me, and escape"
2013-09-20 08:30:36 AM
1 votes:
The need inside you...I see it showin'
The seed inside you....Baby, do you feel it growin'
Are you happy you know it?
That you're havin' my baby.
 
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