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(Onion AV Club)   The worst possible songs to have playing when you're having sex. Is there any better mood killer than Harry Chapin's Cat's in the Cradle or The Carpenters' Superstar?   (avclub.com ) divider line
    More: Silly, Harry Chapin, Steve Albini, Cinemax, comedy album, Risky Business, no sex, Big Black  
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3021 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 20 Sep 2013 at 9:53 AM (2 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-09-20 04:35:41 PM  
How many times do I have to tell you? Dude, you're doin' it all wrong.
Ya gotta do it like this:
Kick her in the face, in the jaw.
Kick that biatch 'til ya can't kick no more.
Then ya do a little jig like this.
Duane:
Like this?
Michael Crane:
Then ya hit her in the mouth with ya fist.
Duane:
With my fist
Michael Crane:
Awww shiiiat.
 
Boe [TotalFark]
2013-09-20 04:36:07 PM  
The first song that came to mind was "The Curly Shuffle" but after skimming through the songs already posted...holy cats!  There are some sick farking songs I didn't need to be aware of.
 
2013-09-20 04:53:30 PM  
The Muppets "12 Days of Christmas" is a sex buzz-kill, especially when Beaker sings.
 
2013-09-20 05:23:27 PM  
I was driving down a lonely road on a dark and stormy night
When a little girl by the road side showed up in my head lights
I stopped and she got in the back and in a shaky tone
She said my name is Mary please won't you take me home

She must have been so frightened all alone there in the night
There was something strange about her cause her face was deathly white
She sat so pale and quiet there in the back seat all alone
I never will forget that night I took Mary home

I pulled into the driveway where she told me to go
Got out to help her from the car and opened up the door
But I just could not believe my eyes the back seat was bare
I looked all around the car but Mary wasn't there

A light shown from the porch someone opened up the door
I asked about the little girl that I was looking for
Then the lady gently smiled and brushed a tear away
She said it sure was nice of you to go out of your way

But thirteen years ago today in a wreck just down the road
Our darling Mary lost her life and we miss her so
So thank you for your trouble and the kindness you have shown
You're the thirteenth one who's been here bringing Mary home
 
2013-09-20 05:48:10 PM  
Handsome Family- "Snow White Diner"

I am eating hash browns in the snow white diner
Outside cars are honking, flashing lights on the bridge.
They're pulling a car from the bottom of the frozen lake.

A woman drove her Saturn into the black water
Killed herself and her two kids,
Strapped in the back seat,
She'd lost her job and she didn't want her kids
To be poor.

The diner it is noisy,
Black coffee and sugar, baskets of dinner rolls.

Outside the crowd is growing, waiting by the drawbridge,
Hoping to see the dead woman's face.

In the booth next to me, there are two elderly women,
Eating liver and onions,
And they're laughing too loud and banging the table top.

Then I see that they're deaf
And I don't know why they are laughing
Maybe the world's better when you can't hear the cars.

They make me feel better
Like I'm drunk on an airplane
And have forgotten that I'm afraid to fly.
 
2013-09-20 06:08:04 PM  
Hubby made me change songs mid-act because 'Beautiful' by Loudon Wainwright III came on.  :)
 
2013-09-20 06:51:55 PM  
First time ever in a strip club they played "We Are the World" and I wondered if the starving people in Ethiopia were getting tip money.
 
2013-09-20 07:02:50 PM  

Ant: Lost my virginity to this:


Heh. I lost mine to Peter Gabriel's "Big Time".

♫I'm on my way I'm making it...♫
 
2013-09-20 07:09:30 PM  
24.media.tumblr.com

Especially side 3.  Hey listen I love it.  But as far as sexy time music goes, not so much.
 
2013-09-20 07:31:04 PM  
I prefer the cheesy music from '70's porno films as my background music.


/I keed
 
2013-09-20 08:15:17 PM  

OtherLittleGuy: Doctor Demento's Funny Twenty-Five, any year during the 80s and 90s.

I dare you to find an appropriate song for lovemaking.


Challenge accepted.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCLQbd1YNMY
 
2013-09-20 08:18:48 PM  

Close2TheEdge: [24.media.tumblr.com image 500x500]

Especially side 3.  Hey listen I love it.  But as far as sexy time music goes, not so much.



Tales From Topographic Arby's???
 
2013-09-20 08:34:08 PM  

Ginnungagap42: Close2TheEdge: [24.media.tumblr.com image 500x500]

Especially side 3.  Hey listen I love it.  But as far as sexy time music goes, not so much.


Tales From Topographic Arby's???


31.media.tumblr.com (possibly some nsfw images)

Never underestimate the ability of the internet to deliver the weird.
 
2013-09-20 08:55:45 PM  
Way too many posts to go through to figure out if these have been mentioned or not, but here's my choices:

A lap dance is better when the stripper is crying.

The Crying Game

Dude looks like a Lady.

This Love

Some may contain NSFW lyrics.
 
2013-09-20 09:10:34 PM  
Eddie Murphy Boogie In Your Butt?

Well step aside my friend
I been doing it for years
I say, sit on down, open your eyes
And open up your ears
Say, put a tree in your butt
Put a, a bumblebee in your butt
Put a clock in your butt
Put a big rock in your butt
Say, put some fleas in your butt
Say, start to sneeze in your butt
Say, put a tin can in your butt
Put a little tiny man in your butt
Say, put a light in your butt
Say, make it bright in your butt
Say, put a TV in your butt
Say, put me in your butt
 
2013-09-20 09:18:00 PM  
Connie Francis - If It Takes Forever, I Will Wait For You (Futurama song)
and this one...


Late one cold and stormy night I heard a dog a' barkin'
Then I thought I heard somebody at my door a' knockin'
I wondered who could be outside in such an awful storm
Then I saw a little girl with a puppy in her arms
Before I could say a word she said, 'My name is Sandy
And this here is my puppy dog, it's name is little Andy'
Standing in the bitter cold in just a ragged dress
Then I asked her to come in and this is what she said
Ain't ya got no gingerbread
Ain't ya got no candy
Ain't ya got an extra bed for me and little Andy
Patty cake and bakersman
My mommy ran away again
And we was all alone and didn't know what else to do
I wonder if you'll let us stay with you
Giddy up trotty horse, going to the mill
Can we stay all night
If you don't love us no one will
I promise we won't cry
London bridge is fallin' down
My daddy's drunk again in town
And we was all alone and didn't what we could do
I wonder if you'll let us stay with you
She was just a little girl, not more than six or seven
But that night as they slept the angels took them both to heaven
God knew little Andy would be lonesome with her gone
Now Sandy and her puppy dog won't ever be alone
Ain't ya got no gingerbread
Ain't ya got no candy
Ain't ya got an extra bed for me and little (whispers) Andy - Dolly Parton
 
2013-09-20 09:36:51 PM  
From the 1930s:
Sunday is gloomy, my hours are slumberless
Dearest, the shadows I live with are numberless
Little white flowers will never awaken you
Not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you
Angels have no thoughts of ever returning you
Wouldn't they be angry if I thought of joining you?
Gloomy Sunday
Gloomy is Sunday, with shadows I spend it all
My heart and I have decided to end it all
Soon there'll be candles and prayers that are said I know
But let them not weep, let them know that I'm glad to go
Death is no dream, for in death I'm caressin' you
With the last breath of my soul, I'll be blessin' you
Gloomy Sunday
Dreaming, I was only dreaming
I wake and I find you asleep in the deep of my heart here
Darling I hope that my dream never haunted you
My heart is tellin' you how much I wanted you
Gloomy Sunday
 
2013-09-20 11:15:53 PM  
elvira
 
2013-09-20 11:43:42 PM  
"Why Does it Hurt When I Pee?" - Frank Zappa
 
2013-09-20 11:59:25 PM  
Not quite a song, but this has to be about the worst.  For sheer "JESUS CHRIST!" whiplash factor, though, you just can't beat Where the Wild Roses Grow.  The first one can be good for a laugh, but if the second one doesn't kill the mood, guy or girl doesn't matter, run.  Run your ass off.
 
2013-09-21 12:36:19 AM  
Flight of the bumble bee
 
2013-09-21 12:48:02 AM  

Paris1127: From the 1930s:
Sunday is gloomy, my hours are slumberless
Dearest, the shadows I live with are numberless
Little white flowers will never awaken you
Not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you
Angels have no thoughts of ever returning you
Wouldn't they be angry if I thought of joining you?
Gloomy Sunday
Gloomy is Sunday, with shadows I spend it all
My heart and I have decided to end it all
Soon there'll be candles and prayers that are said I know
But let them not weep, let them know that I'm glad to go
Death is no dream, for in death I'm caressin' you
With the last breath of my soul, I'll be blessin' you
Gloomy Sunday
Dreaming, I was only dreaming
I wake and I find you asleep in the deep of my heart here
Darling I hope that my dream never haunted you
My heart is tellin' you how much I wanted you
Gloomy Sunday


You fool! Now everybody who read those lyrics is gonna kill themselves!
 
2013-09-21 01:14:12 AM  

brap: Basically the whole GG Allin songbook.  His fecal micropeened presentation didn't actually do much to crank up the "moist" either.


Fecal Micropeened is a hell of a band name.

Also:

sitting in the boardroom
the I'm-so-bored room
listening to the suits
talk about their world
they can make straight lines
out of almost anything
except for the line
of my upper lip when it curls
dressed in my best greasy skin
and squinty eyes
I'm the only part of summer here
that made it inside
in the air-conditioned building
decorated with coporate flair
I wonder
can these boys smell me bleeding
though my underwear

Rock it, girlfriend...but maybe toward the end of the week, hey?
 
2013-09-21 01:14:49 AM  
When i was in college I had a "mix tape" playing during, uh, an intercourse session and Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here" came on.  She stopped me briefly and said "my dad touched me once when this song was playing."

Needless to say, it was incredibly difficult to finish after that.  We powered through, but that was the last time we were together.  I think she thought I was intentionally trying to mindfark her.  How would I know something like that?
 
2013-09-21 03:07:31 AM  

Disgruntled Goat: Paris1127: From the 1930s:
Sunday is gloomy, my hours are slumberless
Dearest, the shadows I live with are numberless
Little white flowers will never awaken you
Not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you
Angels have no thoughts of ever returning you
Wouldn't they be angry if I thought of joining you?
Gloomy Sunday
Gloomy is Sunday, with shadows I spend it all
My heart and I have decided to end it all
Soon there'll be candles and prayers that are said I know
But let them not weep, let them know that I'm glad to go
Death is no dream, for in death I'm caressin' you
With the last breath of my soul, I'll be blessin' you
Gloomy Sunday
Dreaming, I was only dreaming
I wake and I find you asleep in the deep of my heart here
Darling I hope that my dream never haunted you
My heart is tellin' you how much I wanted you
Gloomy Sunday

You fool! Now everybody who read those lyrics is gonna kill themselves!


www.heavyblogisheavy.com

/I think the song's supposed to be deadlier in the original Hungarian
//besides, why have  la petite mort when you can have  la grande mort
///
Ősz van és peregnek a sárgult levelek
Meghalt a földön az emberi szeretet
Bánatos könnyekkel zokog az öszi szél
Szívem már új tavaszt nem vár és nem remél
Hiába sírok és hiába szenvedek
Szívtelen rosszak és kapzsik az emberek...

Meghalt a szeretet!

Vége a világnak, vége a reménynek
Városok pusztulnak, srapnelek zenélnek
Emberek vérétől piros a tarka rét
Halottak fekszenek az úton szerteszét
Még egyszer elmondom csendben az imámat:
Uram, az emberek gyarlók és hibáznak...

Vége a világnak!
 
2013-09-21 02:01:01 PM  
Run Joey Run - David Geddes
http://www.youtube.com/w atch?v=cUVZsu36SW4

or Gary Glitter
 
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