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(Onion AV Club)   The worst possible songs to have playing when you're having sex. Is there any better mood killer than Harry Chapin's Cat's in the Cradle or The Carpenters' Superstar?   (avclub.com) divider line 276
    More: Silly, Harry Chapin, Steve Albini, Cinemax, comedy album, Risky Business, no sex, Big Black  
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3015 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 20 Sep 2013 at 9:53 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



276 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2013-09-20 10:00:21 AM  
I don't know...back in the '80s I got laid plenty of times to luther vandross' rendition of Superstar.
 
2013-09-20 10:01:02 AM  
Goodbye to you, my trusted friend.
We've known each other since we're nine or ten.
Together we climbed hills or trees.
Learned of love and ABC's,
skinned our hearts and skinned our knees.
Goodbye my friend, it's hard to die,
when all the birds are singing in the sky,
Now that the spring is in the air.
Pretty girls are everywhere.
When you see them I'll be there.
We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.
But the hills that we climbed
were just seasons out of time.
 
2013-09-20 10:02:50 AM  
This has to be better than the mariachi music that started playing randomly (Austin City Limits Pandora station) one night while my wife and I were getting down. One minute, it's soft acoustic music, the next it's a bunch of horns and violins. It was actually funny as hell. Maybe she'll let me wear a sombrero to bed next time.
 
2013-09-20 10:03:20 AM  
mood killer...
People Who've Died - Jim Carroll Band

honourable mentions...
50 Ways to Leave Your Lover - Paul Simon
The Legend of Billy Jack - Coven
Detachable Penis - King Missle

participation awards...
Mother or Good Bye Blue Sky - Pink Floyd
Radar Love - Golden Earring
Jeremy - Pearl Jam
 
2013-09-20 10:04:57 AM  

Coco LaFemme: Any song playing in the background is the worst song to be playing during sex. You're supposed to be focused on that other person and what you're doing to them and what they're doing to you, not worried about what caterwauling is coming out of your stereo.



Those lyrics are unfamiliar. Hint?
 
2013-09-20 10:05:17 AM  
Thank Heaven For Little Girls was probably the worst random shuffle incident I ever experienced.
 
2013-09-20 10:06:04 AM  
So you decide to take a holiday
You got your tape deck and your brand new Chevrolet
Ah, there ain't no place to go anyway
What for?

So you got everything, ah, but nothing's cool
They just found your father in the swimming pool
And you guess you won't be going back to school
Anymore.

Read more: Billy Joel - Captain Jack Lyrics | MetroLyrics
 
2013-09-20 10:07:34 AM  
Randy Newman's "Short People"
 
2013-09-20 10:09:14 AM  
Two cigarettes in the ashtray
 
2013-09-20 10:09:36 AM  
And there won't be snow in Aaaafrica this Christmas time...
 
2013-09-20 10:10:02 AM  

RickN99: Randy Newman's "Short People"


Especially if the Filipino spinner you hired understands much english
 
2013-09-20 10:10:06 AM  
I saw her standin on her front lawn just twirlin her baton

Me and her went for a ride sir and ten innocent people died

From the town of lincoln nebraska with a sawed-off .410 on my lap

Through to the badlands of wyoming I killed everything in my path

I can't say that Im sorry for the things that we done

At least for a little while sir me and her we had us some fun

The jury brought in a guilty verdict and the judge he sentenced me to death

Midnight in a prison storeroom with leather straps across my chest

Sheriff when the man pulls that switch sir and snaps my poor neck back

You make sure my pretty baby is sittin right there on my lap

They declared me unfit to live said into that great void my soul  be hurled

They wanted to know why I did what I did
Well sir I guess there's just a meanness in this world
 
2013-09-20 10:10:16 AM  
Back through the years
I go wonderin once again
Back to the seasons of my youth
I recall a box of rags that someone gave us
And how my momma put the rags to use

There were rags of many colors
Every piece was small
And I didn't have a coat
And it was way down in the fall
Momma sewed the rags together
Sewin every piece with love
She made my coat of many colors
That I was so proud of
As she sewed, she told a story
From the bible, she had read
About a coat of many colors
Joseph wore and then she said

Perhaps this coat will bring you
Good luck and happiness
And I just couldnt wait to wear it
And momma blessed it with a kiss

Chorus:
My coat of many colors
That my momma made for me
Made only from rags
But I wore it so proudly
Although we had no money
I was rich as I could be
In my coat of many colors
My momma made for me

So with patches on my britches
Holes in both my shoes
In my coat of many colors
I hurried off to school
Just to find the others laughing
And making fun of me
In my coat of many colors
My momma made for me

And oh I couldnt understand it
For I felt I was rich
And I told them of the love
My momma sewed in every stitch
And I told em all the story
Momma told me while she sewed
And how my coat of many colors
Was worth more than all their clothes

But they didn't understand it
And I tried to make them see
That one is only poor
Only if they choose to be
Now I know we had no money
But I was rich as I could be
In my coat of many colors
My momma made for me
Made just for me
 
2013-09-20 10:10:22 AM  
Special J

Terry Jacks ftw!!

/well done Sir
 
2013-09-20 10:12:22 AM  
What in the world is that thing?
Do you need some tweezers to put that little thing away
That has got to be the smallest dick
I've ever seen in my whole life
I have ever seen in my whole life
Get the fark outta here
Iny weeny teeny weeny
Shriveled little short dick man
Don't want don't want don't want don't want
Don't want don't want don't want don't want
 
2013-09-20 10:13:52 AM  
Dear kindly Sergeant Krupke, you gotta understand
It's just our bringin' upke that gets us out of hand
Our mothers all are junkies, our fathers all are drunks
Golly Moses, naturally we're punks
Gee, Officer Krupke, we're very upset
We never had the love that every child oughta get
We ain't no delinquents, we're misunderstood
Deep down inside us there is good
There is good
There is good, there is good
There is untapped good
Like inside, the worst of us is good

Dear kindly Judge, Your Honor, my parents treat me rough
With all their marijuana, they won't give me a puff
They didn't wanna have me but somehow I was had
Leapin' lizards, that's why I'm so bad
Right, Officer Krupke, you're really a square
This boy don't need a judge, he needs an analyst's care
It's just his neurosis that oughta be curbed
He's psychologically disturbed
I'm disturbed
We're disturbed, we're disturbed
We're the most disturbed
Like we're psychologically disturbed

My father is a bastard, my mas an S.O.B.
My grandpas always plastered, my grandma pushes tea
My sisters wears a mustache, my brother wears a dress
Goodness gracious, that's why I'm a mess
Yes, Officer Krupke, youre really a slob
This boy don't need a doctor, just a good honest job
Society's played him a terrible trick
And sociologically he's sick
I am sick
We are sick, we are sick
We are sick, sick, sick
Like we're sociologically sick

Dear kindly social worker, they say youll earn a buck
Like be a soda jerker, which means like be a schmuck
It's not I'm antisocial, I'm only anti-work
Glory Osky, that's why I'm a jerk
Eek, Officer Krupke, you've done it again
This boy don't need a job, he needs a year in the pen
It ain't just a question of misunderstood
Deep down inside him, he's no good
I'm no good
We're no good, we're no good
We're no earthly good
Like the best of us is no damn good

The trouble is he's crazy, the trouble is he drinks
The trouble is he's lazy, the trouble is he stinks
The trouble is he's growing, the trouble is he's grown
Krupke, we've got troubles of our own
Gee, Officer Krupke
We're down on our knees
'Cause no one wants a fella
With a social disease
Gee, Officer Krupke
What are we to do?
Gee, Officer Krupke
Krup you!
 
2013-09-20 10:15:40 AM  
Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don't think I can take it
Cause it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe agaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin, oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooo
 
2013-09-20 10:15:57 AM  

bump: Special J

Terry Jacks ftw!!

/well done Sir


Haha, yeah, I was surprised this thread got that long without that one.
 
2013-09-20 10:17:02 AM  
The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald
 
2013-09-20 10:17:16 AM  

Coco LaFemme: Any song playing in the background is the worst song to be playing during sex.  You're supposed to be focused on that other person and what you're doing to them and what they're doing to you, not worried about what caterwauling is coming out of your stereo.


Not if your partner sounds like Monica Seles wrestling a duck.
 
2013-09-20 10:17:35 AM  
Doctor Demento's Funny Twenty-Five, any year during the 80s and 90s.

I dare you to find an appropriate song for lovemaking.
 
2013-09-20 10:18:07 AM  
"You spend all your time waiting..."  *WAAAAAAHHHHH!*
 
2013-09-20 10:18:23 AM  
To really wreck things you want to segue some Butthole Surfers into some old Genesis.

--

I'm soiled
Soil me
Soil all
All All
Oh... my... God...
I have come ten million miles
And traveled on your Earth
And with his hands
The fiery beast may consummate my birth

--

I'm counting out time, reaction none too happy,
Please don't slap me
 
2013-09-20 10:18:24 AM  
Drop kick me Jesus through the Goal Posts of Life Link
 
2013-09-20 10:20:07 AM  
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Comin' home from our house Christmas eve
Now, you might think there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe
 
2013-09-20 10:20:14 AM  
Wondering what I'm doing tonight I've been in the closet and feel all right
Ran out of Carbona Mom threw out the glue
Ran out of paint and roach spray too It's TV's fault why I am this way
Mom and pop wanna put me away
From the early morning movie to the late late show
After it's over nowhere to go And I'm not sorry for the things I do
My brain is stuck from shooting glue I'm not sorry for the things I do
Carbona not glue
 
2013-09-20 10:20:15 AM  
It took so long to remember just what happened.
I was so young and vestal then,
you know it hurt me,
but I'm breathing so I guess I'm still alive
even if signs seem to tell me otherwise.
I've got my hands bound,
my head down , my eyes closed,
and my throat wide open
 
2013-09-20 10:20:44 AM  
Unless you and your partner are high and intent on having emotionally broken, but highly tactile sex, almost anything by Elliott Smith.
 
2013-09-20 10:21:56 AM  
Dear Mr. Jesus
I just had to write to you
something really scared me when I saw it on the news
a story bout a little girl
beaten black and blue
Jesus thought I'd send this right to you
dear Mr. Jesus
I don't understand
why they took her mom and dad away
I know that they don't mean to hit
with wild and angry hands
show them just how big they are i pray

(Chorus)
please don't let them hurt your children
we need love and shelter from the storm
please don't let them hurt your children
won't you keep us safe and warm
 
2013-09-20 10:22:00 AM  
"Alice's Restaurant" doesn't do much for me.
 
2013-09-20 10:22:33 AM  
 
2013-09-20 10:22:48 AM  
In a little while from now
If I'm not feeling any less sour
I promise myself to treat myself
And visit a nearby tower
And climbing to the top
Will throw myself off
In an effort to
Make it clear to whoever
Wants to know what it's like
When you're shattered
Left standing in the lurch at a church
Were people are saying, My God, that's tough
She stood him up
No point in us remaining
We may as well go home
As I did on my own
Alone again, naturally

/CSB: I personally have ruined Dueling Banjoes for someone by matching my pace to the song's.
 
2013-09-20 10:22:58 AM  
Ice ice baby

Dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum

Vanilla Ice ice baby.....
 
2013-09-20 10:23:51 AM  
Everyone has AIDS! AIDS AIDS AIDS!
 
2013-09-20 10:24:56 AM  
The song played during unprotected sex:

eil.com
 
2013-09-20 10:27:31 AM  
"Me And A Gun" by Tori Amos?

Just about anything by Tori Amos is a boner killer for me...Alanis Morissette, also.
 
2013-09-20 10:28:10 AM  
Little girl sleeping in dreams of peace
Mommy been gone a long time
Daddy comes home and she still sleeps
Waiting for the world worst crime
And he comes up the stairs like he always does
And he never turns on the  light
And she's wide awake, scared to death
She smells his lust and she smells his sweat
Curled in a ball she holds her breath
Praying to a God that she's never met
Don't let Daddy kiss me, don't let Daddy kiss me
Goodnight
Little girl lies by her Daddy's side
And she listens to him breathe
She knows there's something awful wrong
That she's far too young to see
And she knows she can't tell anyone
She's too full of guilt and shame
And if she tells she'll be all alone
They'd steal her Daddy and they'd steal her home
And it's not so bad when Daddy leaves her alone
Praying to her God with his heart of stone
Don't let Daddy kiss me, don't let Daddy kiss me
Goodnight
Why, tell me why,
The worst crime, in the world
And so Daddy lies by his daughter's side
And he sleeps deep and well
No nightmares come to him tonight
Though his daughter lives in hell
For his  seed is sown where it should not be
But the beast in his mind don't care
And the only sound are tears that fell
Little girl turns her face to the wall
She knows that no-one hears her call
But it seems that God hears nothing at all
Don't let Daddy kiss me, don't let Daddy kiss me
Goodnight
 
2013-09-20 10:28:23 AM  

vudukungfu: I leaned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear-skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired
The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth


I wonder how many suicides were attempted while listening to that song?
 
2013-09-20 10:30:45 AM  
like a rhinestone cowboy
riding high on a horse
in a star-spangled rodeo....
like a rhinestone cowboy
getting cards and letters
from losers I don't even know
and offers coming over the phone
 
2013-09-20 10:31:38 AM  
So now I'm praying for the end of time
To hurry up and arrive
'Cause if I gotta spend another minute with you
I don't think that I can really survive
I'll never break my promise or forget my vow
But God only knows what I can do right now
I'm praying for the end of time
It's all that I can do
Praying for the end of time,
So I can end my time with you!!
 
2013-09-20 10:31:42 AM  
Dude looks like a lady.
 
2013-09-20 10:33:15 AM  
And now I'm wondering what it would be like to spread and plow to slipknot's wait and bleed.

Interesting day.
 
2013-09-20 10:33:34 AM  
With a drink in her hand
She will stop her car and then
Seal herself for good in the garage
She's never leaving

There were times to be sure
It was so pure you might choke
But it's too late in the garage
The falling ceiling

And all the walls will fade to black
Could she be thinking of another now
Take my hand, pull me through
There's so much I left undone

But it's too late now in the garage
And all the walls will fade to black
Could she be thinking of another

They found her car still running
In the garage
She'd come so far to end her life
By the rusty mower and chicken wire
By the chicken wire and studded tire
By the rusty mower and chicken wire

"Chicken Wire", Pernice Brothers.  Joe won't even sing that one in concert anymore, it's too depressing for even him!
 
2013-09-20 10:35:44 AM  

bearded clamorer: Not if your partner sounds like Monica Seles wrestling a duck.


I came.
 
2013-09-20 10:36:23 AM  
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It;s a small, small, world.

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It;s a small, small, world.

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It;s a small, small, world.

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It;s a small, small, world.

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It;s a small, small, world.

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It;s a small, small, world.

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It;s a small, small, world.

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It;s a small, small, world.

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It;s a small, small, world.

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It;s a small, small, world.

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It;s a small, small, world.

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It;s a small, small, world.

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It;s a small, small, world.

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It;s a small, small, world.

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It;s a small, small, world.

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It;s a small, small, world.
 
2013-09-20 10:37:29 AM  
I'm your wicked Uncle Ernie
I'm glad you won't see or hear me
As I fiddle about
Fiddle about
Fiddle about !

Your mother left me here to mind you
Now I'm doing what I want to
Fiddling about
Fiddling about
Fiddle about!

Down with the bedclothes
Up with your nightshirt!
Fiddle about
Fiddle about
Fiddle about !

Fiddle about
Fiddle about
Fiddle about !

You won't shout as I fiddle about
Fiddle about
Fiddle about
Fiddle about !
Fiddle about
Fiddle about
Fiddle about !
Fiddle about
Fiddle about
Fiddle about !
Fiddle about
Fiddle about
Fiddle about !
Fiddle, fiddle, fiddle.
Fiddle, fiddle, fiddle.
Fiddle, fiddle, fiddle.
Fiddle, fiddle, fiddle...FIDDLE!
 
2013-09-20 10:38:05 AM  
Little Betty ate a pound of aspirin she got them from the shelf upon the wall
Betty's mommy wasn't there to save her she didn't even hear her little baby call
Dead babies can't take care of themselves dead babies can't take things off the shelf
Well we didn't want you anyway lalalalalalalalalalala
Daddy is an agrophile in Texas mommy's on the bar most every night
Little Betty's sleeping in the graveyard living there in burgundy and white
Dead babies can't take care of themselves dead babies can't take things off the shelf
Well we didn't love you anyway lalalalalalalalalalala
Goodbye little Betty goodbye little Betty so long little Betty so long little Betty Betty so long
Dead babies can't take care of themselves dead babies can't take things off the shelf
Well we didn't need you anyway lalalalalalalalalalala goodbye little Betty

Can't beat old Alice for setting the mood.
 
2013-09-20 10:38:08 AM  
4'33"
 
2013-09-20 10:38:36 AM  
I will go with either the first song on Huell Waits or

My heart is very tender
Though my parts are awful raw
You might have been infected
But you never were a bore
I'm dying of your love my love
I'm your spirochaetal clown
I've left my body to science
But I'm afraid they've turned it down.
 
2013-09-20 10:38:43 AM  
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
Ice is back with my brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly
Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly
Will it ever stop? Yo - I don't know
Turn off the lights and I'll glow
To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal
Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle
 
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