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(Onion AV Club)   The worst possible songs to have playing when you're having sex. Is there any better mood killer than Harry Chapin's Cat's in the Cradle or The Carpenters' Superstar?   (avclub.com) divider line 276
    More: Silly, Harry Chapin, Steve Albini, Cinemax, comedy album, Risky Business, no sex, Big Black  
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3012 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 20 Sep 2013 at 9:53 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-09-20 08:18:27 AM
They might have split up or they might have capsized;
they may have broke deep and took water.
And all that remains is the faces and the names
of the wives and the sons and the daughters.
 
2013-09-20 08:26:36 AM
Don't take your love away from me
Don't you leave my heart in misery
If you go then I'll be blue
'Cause breaking up his hard to do
Remember when you held me tight
And you kissed me all through the night
Think of all that we've been through
Breaking up is hard to do
 
2013-09-20 08:27:50 AM
I leaned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear-skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired
The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth
 
2013-09-20 08:28:36 AM
You've painted up your lips
And rolled and curled your tinted hair
Ruby are you contemplating
Going out somewhere
The shadow on the wall
Tells me the sun is going down
Oh Ruby
Don't take your love to town
 
2013-09-20 08:28:51 AM
The Christmas Shoes
 
2013-09-20 08:29:16 AM
"Brick" by Ben Folds Five
 
2013-09-20 08:30:13 AM
Well I hope I don't die too soon
I pray the lord my soul to save
Oh I'll be a good boy, Im trying so hard to behave
Because there's one thing I know, I'd like to live
Long enough to savour
That's when they finally put you in the ground
Ill stand on your grave and tramp the dirt down
 
2013-09-20 08:30:35 AM
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my mama, please
It's Christmas eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful, if mama meets Jesus tonight
 
2013-09-20 08:30:36 AM
The need inside you...I see it showin'
The seed inside you....Baby, do you feel it growin'
Are you happy you know it?
That you're havin' my baby.
 
2013-09-20 08:30:37 AM
I was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long
Like a worn-out recording, of a favorite song
So while she lay there sleeping, I read the paper in bed
And in the personals column, there was this letter I read
"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain
If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape
I'm the lady you've looked for, write to me, and escape"
 
jbc [TotalFark]
2013-09-20 08:30:52 AM
Mama tries hard to pretend
Things will get better again
Somehow she's keeping it all inside her

But finally the tears fill our eyes
And I know that somewhere tonight
She knows how much we really miss her

Shannon is gone I hope she's drifting out to sea
She always loved to swim away
Maybe she'll find an island with a shady tree
Just like the one in our backyard
 
2013-09-20 08:32:33 AM
Teddy sniffing glue, he was 12 years old
Fell from the roof on East Two-nine
Cathy was 11 when she pulled the plug
On 26 reds and a bottle of wine
Bobby got leukemia, 14 years old
He looked like 65 when he died
He was a friend of mine

Those are people who died, died
They were all my friends, and they died
 
2013-09-20 08:33:58 AM
My name is Luka
I live on the second floor
I live upstairs from you
Yes, I think you've seen me before
If you hear something late at night
Some kind of trouble, some kind of fight
Just don't ask me what it was
 
2013-09-20 08:34:35 AM

BunkoSquad: Teddy sniffing glue, he was 12 years old
Fell from the roof on East Two-nine
Cathy was 11 when she pulled the plug
On 26 reds and a bottle of wine
Bobby got leukemia, 14 years old
He looked like 65 when he died
He was a friend of mine

Those are people who died, died
They were all my friends, and they died


DiCaprio was boss in that.
/Yeah, I know who Jimmy was.
 
2013-09-20 08:36:23 AM
There was a worst song/track thread a few days ago, and I have to give the answer I gave to that. Guns N' Roses - My World.
 
2013-09-20 08:37:10 AM
Sit in your corner 'til I summon you here
You'll have a black and blue Christmas
If you don't shut your mouth
Just keep it up and the only creature stirring 'round here will be me and not the cookie jar mouse
 
2013-09-20 08:37:49 AM
I was on the outskirts of a little southern town
Trying to reach my destination before the sun went down
The old CB was blarin' away on Channel 1-9
When there came a little boy's voice on the radio line
And he said breaker 1-9 is anyone there
Come on back truckers and talk to Teddy Bear
I keyed the mike and I said you got it Teddy Bear
And the little boy's voice came back on the air
Appreciate the breaker who we got on that end
I told him my handle and then he began
Though I'm not supposed to bother you fellows out there
Mom says you're busy and for me to stay off the air
But you see I get lonely and it helps to talk
Cause that's about all I can do I'm crippled and I can't walk
I came back and told him to fire up that mike
And I'd talk to him as long as he'd liked
This was my dad's radio the little boy said
But I guess it's mine and mom's now cause my daddy's dead
 
2013-09-20 08:38:39 AM
One day while I was not at home
While she was there and all alone
The angels came
Now all I have is memories of Honey
And I wake up nights and call her name
Now my life's an empty stage
Where Honey lived and Honey played
And love grew up
And a small cloud passes overhead
And cries down on the flower bed
That Honey loved

And honey, I miss you
And I'm bein' good
And I'd love to be with you
If only I could
 
2013-09-20 08:39:39 AM
I clocked the jizz from a friend
Of yours named Vanessa Bet
She said u told her a fantasy
That got her all wet
Something about a little box with a
Mirror and a tongue inside
What she told me then got me so hot
I knew that we could slide
 
2013-09-20 08:41:21 AM
Want some whiskey in your water?
Sugar in your tea?
What's all these crazy questions they're askin' me?
This is the craziest party that could ever be
Don't turn on the lights 'cause I don't wanna see
Mama told me not to come
Mama told me not to come
That ain't the way to have fun, no
 
2013-09-20 08:42:29 AM
Last kiss
 Leader of the pack
I want my baby back.
 
2013-09-20 08:43:46 AM
Phantom 309

Teddy bear

Too drunk to fark.
 
2013-09-20 08:54:10 AM
I'm the Scatman
sibby dibby di yon do do do
yon do do do
sibby dibby di yon do do do
yon do do do
I'm the Scatman
sibby dibby di yon do do do
yon do do do
sibby dibby di yon do do do
yon do do do
ba daba daba wee don don do do do
wee don don do do do ....


/ew
 
2013-09-20 09:00:50 AM
Ray Stephen's "Mississippi Squirrel."
 
2013-09-20 09:01:47 AM
The weather is here I wish you were beautiful
My thoughts aren't too clear but don't run away
My girlfriends a bore, my job is too dutiful
Hell nobody's perfect would you like to play?
I feel together today
 
2013-09-20 09:10:18 AM
It's Friday!
Friday!
 
2013-09-20 09:11:23 AM
All of a sudden I began to change
I was on the dance floor acting strange
Flapping my arms I began to cluck
Look at me..
I'm the disco duck
 
2013-09-20 09:15:54 AM
I'm an old cowhand from the Rio Grande
But my legs ain't bowed
And my cheeks ain't tanned
I'm a cowboy who never saw a cow
Never roped a steer 'cause I don't know how
And I sure ain't fixin' to start in now
Yippie yi yo ki yay
 
2013-09-20 09:22:56 AM
Day or so had passed when I popped the clutch, gave the tranny a spin and slid on into The Stinky Pinky Gulp N' Guzzle Big Rig Snooze-A-Stop.
There I was browsin' through the latest issue of "Throb", when I saw Bambi starin' at me from the back of a milk carton. Well, my heart just dropped.
So, I decided to do what any good Christian would. You can not imagine how difficult it is to hold a half gallon of moo juice and polish the
One-eyed gopher when your doin' seventy-five in an eighteen-wheeler. I never thought missing children could be so sexy. Did I say that out loud?
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is crying
 
2013-09-20 09:24:38 AM
I saw the light on the night that I passed by her window
I saw the flickering shadows of love on her blind
She was my woman
As she deceived me I watched and went out of my mind
My, my, my, Delilah
Why, why, why, Delilah
I could see that girl was no good for me
But I was lost like a slave that no man could free
At break of day when that man drove away, I was waiting
I cross the street to her house and she opened the door
She stood there laughing
I felt the knife in my hand and she laughed no more
 
2013-09-20 09:25:26 AM
Basically the whole GG Allin songbook.  His fecal micropeened presentation didn't actually do much to crank up the "moist" either.
 
2013-09-20 09:35:25 AM
You know what Stuart? I like you. You're not like the other people here
in the trailer park. Oh no, don't get me wrong, they're fine people, good
Americans. But they're content to sit back, maybe watch a little Mork and
Mindy on channel 57. Maybe kick back a cool Coors 16-ouncer. They're
good fine people, Stuart. But they don't know what the queers are doing
to the soil.
 
2013-09-20 09:36:03 AM

Sybarite: They might have split up or they might have capsized;
they may have broke deep and took water.
And all that remains is the faces and the names
of the wives and the sons and the daughters.


Dammit I showed up too late once again.....
 
2013-09-20 09:37:29 AM
every night the scene is set
I've got to drink to forget
I cannot incur this debt
where's the gun?
here's my head!

let's go to the hongkong
breaking glass at madame wong's.
let's go buy a pint of booze
getting drunk getting loose

I just want some skank!
I just want some skank!
I just want some skank!
I just want some skank!
 
2013-09-20 09:38:27 AM
Now that the smoke's gone
And the air is all clear
Those who were right there
Got a new kind of fear
You'd fight and you were right
But they were just to strong
They'd stick it in your face
And let you smell what they consider wrong
That's why I say hey man nice, nice shot
 
2013-09-20 09:39:57 AM
(with a nasal voice)

At the loveless motel and restaurant out on highway 33
The matchbook says call for reservations
Country ham and biscuits, delicious steaks
I met a woman there one night
No moon, just, just diesel trucks
She kissed me like she was hungry so we got a room
In the morning she looked like a horse
Smoking little cigars
Playing these tapes of her husband
She says "Doesn't he sound like Elvis?"
She makes champagne out of 7-Up and cheap wine
Like a chemist
Next to one of those insect electric chairs
Her skin gleaming blue everytime a fly died
I read in the funnies, I laughed anyway
"Something's burning somewhere" I said
"Yeah, it's us" she says
"You both want coffee?" the waitress says
Yes, two, two coffees
That's perfect on this cold, dim, fluorescent morning
And a couple of those donuts over there, right Doris?
Right Doris?
*snaps fingers*
Earth to Doris....Earth to Doris

/MIL is named Doris, she's a wonderful person
 
2013-09-20 09:40:38 AM
Meet me in the crowd, people, people
Throw your love around, love me, love me
Take it into town, happy, happy
Put it in the ground where the flowers grow
Gold and silver shine
 
2013-09-20 09:40:58 AM
Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads
Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up, yum!
 
2013-09-20 09:43:31 AM
We all stood up,
And Obie stood up with the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy
Pictures, and the judge walked in sat down with a seeing eye dog, and he
Sat down, we sat down. Obie looked at the seeing eye dog, and then at the
Twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows
And a paragraph on the back of each one, and looked at the seeing eye dog.
And then at twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles
And arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one and began to cry,
'cause Obie came to the realization that it was a typical case of American
Blind justice, and there wasn't nothing he could do about it, and the
Judge wasn't going to look at the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy
Pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each
One explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against us. And
We was fined $50 and had to pick up the garbage in the snow, but that's not
What I came to tell you about.
 
2013-09-20 09:45:28 AM
Anything "Kidz Bop"
 
2013-09-20 09:45:37 AM
We was huntin' bear in our rockin' chair out on I-40
Dodgin' bumps in pick-up trucks in west New Mexico
It was a cloudy day and me and ole Jay just about bored to tears
But we come awake when a C.B. breaker come a ringin' loud and clear
We heard this voice that we ain't never heard before sayin'
(Break 19, I'm C.B Savage, Hi all you 18 wheelers
Anyone seen any smokey bears,
How about some bears smoking, aha C.B. Savage here come-on)
 
2013-09-20 09:47:14 AM
Actually, Yackty Sax would make it much like the sex scene in Clockwork Orange (movie, not book)
 
2013-09-20 09:50:38 AM
I was born and raised down in Alabama
On a farm way back up in the woods
I was so ragged that folks used to call me Patches
Papa used to tease me about it
'Cause deep down inside he was hurt
'Cause he'd done all he could
 
2013-09-20 09:50:42 AM
Take a letter, Maria.
 
2013-09-20 09:53:54 AM
Turns them on everytime....

Are you ready kids?
Aye-aye captain.
I can't hear you...
Aye-aye captain!
Oh! Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
SpongeBob SquarePants!
Absorbant and yellow and porous is he!
SpongeBob SquarePants!
If nautical nonsense is something you wish...
SpongeBob SquarePants!
Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish!
SpongeBob Squarepants!
Ready?
SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob Squarepants!
SpongeBob... SquarePants!
 
2013-09-20 09:55:48 AM
Any song playing in the background is the worst song to be playing during sex.  You're supposed to be focused on that other person and what you're doing to them and what they're doing to you, not worried about what caterwauling is coming out of your stereo.
 
2013-09-20 09:59:02 AM
Family Tree by Megadeth
 
2013-09-20 09:59:37 AM
"Why Does It Hurt When I Pee" - Frank Zappa
"Social Disease" - Elton John

/won't copy-pasta lyrics
 
2013-09-20 10:00:03 AM
Fat Bottomed Girls
 
2013-09-20 10:00:13 AM

minoridiot: Turns them on everytime....


In case you don't have that queued up, it also works to tell your partner "Say my name!" and when they say something, just say "I can't hear you!" in the appropriate pirate voice. If the answer is not changed to "Spongebob Squarepants", kick them out of bed and go watch cartoons.
 
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