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(ESPN)   Will the Jaguars score in the double digits once this year? Will the AFC North or NFC East take the lead for the worst division? Can anyone stop Manning from making QB history and breaking George Blanda's record? Here are your Week 3 Power Rankings   ( divider line
    More: Spiffy, NFC East, AFC North, Jaguars, George Blanda, NFL, Martellus Bennett, rankings, Asante Samuel  
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2788 clicks; posted to Sports » on 17 Sep 2013 at 1:21 PM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-09-17 02:21:04 PM  
5 votes:

We are gathered here today to celebrate a remarkable achievement.  An achievement, mind you, made solid and recorded by a decision that one would not imagine is without a fair bit of controversy.  Donovan McNabb still may not know that weeks like these are possible, but sadly they are.

Ladies and gentlemen of the tab, we've had our first tie of the year.

Hell, we all know that such sturm und drang is the natural course of things in the rare event that weeks of the NFL season end this way.  Arguments ensue, blouses are torn, cans of Mountain Dew spilled.  Fanbase turns against fanbase, each side loud and defiant in their firm belief that a certain pile of dogshiat was worse than a different pile of dogshiat.  These sad stories just always seem to happen when two or even three quarterbacks managed to deadlock in their utter futility, having failed to succeed even in the modest task that was their charge, in delivering a concrete winner.

In short, the sparkling suck that is Philip Rivers can't
always ride to the rescue.

So what was I to do, how was I to proceed?  Two worthy performances sat on the scales, both awful in their own aspects, both horrific to any viewers unfortunate enough to watch.  One a celebrated young phenom, ready to take on all comers and prove his stellar inaugural campaign wasn't a fluke, who managed to play football in a fashion even uglier than his tattoo sleeves.  The other the bane of the existence of Tom Brady and Tony Romo, the bizarre postseason success story of a younger brother to a regular season terminator.  One spanked by the sibling who made him go stand in a metaphoric port-a-potty of shame, the other humiliated by hype and neutralized by the team that seems to be his personal Kryptonite.

Well, I'll tell you.

First, I put on my suit jacket.

Then, I emphatically crossed my arms.

Finally, I looked down meaningfully at the ground, brow furrowed in deep thought.

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Cuban Missile "Crisis."  Pussy.

A few hundred solemn crossings of the room later, my mind was firmly set.  One of the two got stomped early, had an hour's worth of a lightning storm to rest and reflect on his mistakes, and then proceeded to go out to commit even worse ones.  One of the two was sub-.500 in completion percentage.  One of the two had a quarterback rating of 20.1, and while he scrambled for 87 yards, his team scored but 3 piddly points, so fark that shiat indubitably.

Both may have been playing in megahyped games, but only one had the weight of proving which of the alleged top two teams in the league was the superior on his shoulders and only one was playing in the alleged biggest and bestest rivalry in the league.

The crumbling said weight inflicted on his disgustingly inked shoulders?  Well, that was anything but alleged.

2-0, 5-0, the odd scores flew by as the game wore on, and never did his team seem much into the game.  The once dynamic offense was strangled, the formerly fearsome defense was dissected.  For a heated rivalry game, whatever the score might have said, one side seemed to hold all the cards.

Four turnovers were recorded by this week's winner, one for each quarter, his output of suck as even and steady as his hilarious monotone in the Yahoo! Fantasy Football commercial.  Each lost possession was like another long squeak of air being let out of the overfilled balloon that may just be his team, the resulting fart sound ever so appropriate.

The previous game last season was a loud blowout, this game a slow funeral procession.

Which is worse?  Who's to know?

All we
can know is that after this gunslinger staggered off the field of battle Sunday night, one hand's thumb nervously smoothing over the soon-to-be shaved eyebrow that he owed the contest's winner, soon to vanish as surely as his acting skills so clearly did long, long ago...a sudden wave of relief crashed over him.

"Eli Manning practically got an atomic wedgie from his big brother at the 50 yard line in the latest Manning Bowl," he reassured his troubled mind.  "There's no way I could've possibly gotten the win over that goof, could I?"

A cold chill tickled down his spine then.

He flashed back on all his many incompletions.

Recalled his assorted turnovers too.

But when all that faded, and the world got quiet?

Only one image filled his head.

One face that gave him the answer he dreaded, and the response he feared most.

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For outsucking Eli Manning in a week that yet another Peyton schooling was set, for making sure that Jim Harbaugh in his tiny eyeglasses was only the second-silliest looking man on the field that night, for scoring a 66.7 against the Seattle Seahawks, I am proud to present The Jake for Week 2 of the 2013 NFL season to Colin Kaepernick of the San Francisco 49ers.

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Any thoughts, Colin?

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"This won't make girls afraid to accept open bottles of beer from me, will it?"

Oh no, not in the slightest.
2013-09-17 01:33:54 PM  
3 votes:

Shame Us: Gecko Gingrich: Cyberluddite: As a Niner fan I hate to mention this, but doesn't Kaepernick get the Jake this week?  He put up 3 INTs and lost one fumble--did any other QB top that this week?

Manning, the Younger?

4 INT vs. 3INT + Sack-Fumble

Is that a tie, or does one trump the other?

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2013-09-17 12:52:58 PM  
3 votes:

HaywoodJablonski: And the Colts get TEN at San Fran

Long way to travel for a fairly local game, no?
2013-09-17 03:11:38 PM  
2 votes:
Top 30 team!

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2013-09-17 02:53:52 PM  
2 votes:
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2013-09-17 01:34:00 PM  
2 votes:
for those that missed it in the Sunday thread:

FAIL part one
FAIL part deux

brought to you by Bunny_deville and moi.

/who speaks limited french
2013-09-17 03:49:28 PM  
1 vote:
I'm willing to bet the Steelers will go to the Super Bowl this season after starting 0-2.

Stranger things have happened before, just ask the 2007 New York Giants.
2013-09-17 02:58:33 PM  
1 vote:

steamingpile: fruitloop: 7. Patriots
8. Saints.

What the fark is this shiat?

Both teams still have shiatty defenses, I don't know why people ignore that fact, you don't get better by hiring the dumber, fatter, more bearded Ryan brother.

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2013-09-17 02:31:37 PM  
1 vote:

Di Atribe: LucklessWonder: Rock you like a hurricane!

Thank you for evicting the previous earworm I had. You are a good friend.

You're welcome. And I literally cannot read or hear the phrase "here I am," without mentally inserting that line, so in my Bible, 1 Samuel 12v3 reads as:

"Here I am. Rock you like a hurricane!Witness against me before the Lord and before His anointed: Whose ox have I taken, or whose donkey have I taken, or whom have I cheated? Whom have I oppressed, or from whose hand have I received any bribe with which to blind my eyes? I will restore it to you."

Makes church awkward.
2013-09-17 02:17:10 PM  
1 vote:

Frank N Stein: FlyingLizardOfDoom: Will people stop posting lame sports-related rhetorical questions as headlines...?

Farkers have a way of conducting certain sports threads. Powerranking and game threads especially. I don't like it, and that's why I usually stay away from them, but it's best to let them be

/yet here I am.

Rock you like a hurricane!

/It's Pavlovian..
2013-09-17 02:04:35 PM  
1 vote:

Di Atribe: Dr Dreidel: Apropos of nothing in particular other than football, I will beat you in FF this week.


Well I haven't set my lineup yet, so don't count your Kaepernicks before they hatch.

Don't make me unleash the Flacco.
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// and Ray ran...
// he ran so far, he injured a hip flexor...
2013-09-17 01:59:21 PM  
1 vote:

vento: The Steelers are ranked WAY too high.

/Steelers fan

they don't even deserve to be on the list
2013-09-17 01:47:51 PM  
1 vote:

rickythepenguin: Gecko Gingrich: Manning, the Younger?

i posted the numbers yesterday where in 2013, he has 7INTS.  last year he had i think 16 total, the year before i think 18.  so through two games, he's already almost halfway reached his last two year's totals.

that's just Eli being Eli.

Eli threw 25 picks a couple of years ago, so he has a goal to work toward.
2013-09-17 01:46:33 PM  
1 vote:

rickythepenguin: Gecko Gingrich: Manning, the Younger?

i posted the numbers yesterday where in 2013, he has 7INTS.  last year he had i think 16 total, the year before i think 18.  so through two games, he's already almost halfway reached his last two year's totals.

that's just Eli being Eli.

Are you implying he's just like a kid out there, having fun, taking risks?
2013-09-17 01:44:00 PM  
1 vote:
7. Patriots
8. Saints.

What the fark is this shiat?
2013-09-17 01:38:34 PM  
1 vote:

AnotherBluesStringer: How the hell are the Pats at number 7? do know Foxboro is only about a 90 minute drive from ESPN headquarters, right?
2013-09-17 12:55:50 PM  
1 vote:

FlyingLizardOfDoom: Will people stop posting lame sports-related rhetorical questions as headlines...?

No. they won't ever get greened that way.

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