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(ESPN)   Will the Jaguars score in the double digits once this year? Will the AFC North or NFC East take the lead for the worst division? Can anyone stop Manning from making QB history and breaking George Blanda's record? Here are your Week 3 Power Rankings   ( divider line
    More: Spiffy, NFC East, AFC North, Jaguars, George Blanda, NFL, Martellus Bennett, rankings, Asante Samuel  
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2788 clicks; posted to Sports » on 17 Sep 2013 at 1:21 PM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-09-17 02:21:04 PM  
3 votes:

We are gathered here today to celebrate a remarkable achievement.  An achievement, mind you, made solid and recorded by a decision that one would not imagine is without a fair bit of controversy.  Donovan McNabb still may not know that weeks like these are possible, but sadly they are.

Ladies and gentlemen of the tab, we've had our first tie of the year.

Hell, we all know that such sturm und drang is the natural course of things in the rare event that weeks of the NFL season end this way.  Arguments ensue, blouses are torn, cans of Mountain Dew spilled.  Fanbase turns against fanbase, each side loud and defiant in their firm belief that a certain pile of dogshiat was worse than a different pile of dogshiat.  These sad stories just always seem to happen when two or even three quarterbacks managed to deadlock in their utter futility, having failed to succeed even in the modest task that was their charge, in delivering a concrete winner.

In short, the sparkling suck that is Philip Rivers can't
always ride to the rescue.

So what was I to do, how was I to proceed?  Two worthy performances sat on the scales, both awful in their own aspects, both horrific to any viewers unfortunate enough to watch.  One a celebrated young phenom, ready to take on all comers and prove his stellar inaugural campaign wasn't a fluke, who managed to play football in a fashion even uglier than his tattoo sleeves.  The other the bane of the existence of Tom Brady and Tony Romo, the bizarre postseason success story of a younger brother to a regular season terminator.  One spanked by the sibling who made him go stand in a metaphoric port-a-potty of shame, the other humiliated by hype and neutralized by the team that seems to be his personal Kryptonite.

Well, I'll tell you.

First, I put on my suit jacket.

Then, I emphatically crossed my arms.

Finally, I looked down meaningfully at the ground, brow furrowed in deep thought.

Cuban Missile "Crisis."  Pussy.

A few hundred solemn crossings of the room later, my mind was firmly set.  One of the two got stomped early, had an hour's worth of a lightning storm to rest and reflect on his mistakes, and then proceeded to go out to commit even worse ones.  One of the two was sub-.500 in completion percentage.  One of the two had a quarterback rating of 20.1, and while he scrambled for 87 yards, his team scored but 3 piddly points, so fark that shiat indubitably.

Both may have been playing in megahyped games, but only one had the weight of proving which of the alleged top two teams in the league was the superior on his shoulders and only one was playing in the alleged biggest and bestest rivalry in the league.

The crumbling said weight inflicted on his disgustingly inked shoulders?  Well, that was anything but alleged.

2-0, 5-0, the odd scores flew by as the game wore on, and never did his team seem much into the game.  The once dynamic offense was strangled, the formerly fearsome defense was dissected.  For a heated rivalry game, whatever the score might have said, one side seemed to hold all the cards.

Four turnovers were recorded by this week's winner, one for each quarter, his output of suck as even and steady as his hilarious monotone in the Yahoo! Fantasy Football commercial.  Each lost possession was like another long squeak of air being let out of the overfilled balloon that may just be his team, the resulting fart sound ever so appropriate.

The previous game last season was a loud blowout, this game a slow funeral procession.

Which is worse?  Who's to know?

All we
can know is that after this gunslinger staggered off the field of battle Sunday night, one hand's thumb nervously smoothing over the soon-to-be shaved eyebrow that he owed the contest's winner, soon to vanish as surely as his acting skills so clearly did long, long ago...a sudden wave of relief crashed over him.

"Eli Manning practically got an atomic wedgie from his big brother at the 50 yard line in the latest Manning Bowl," he reassured his troubled mind.  "There's no way I could've possibly gotten the win over that goof, could I?"

A cold chill tickled down his spine then.

He flashed back on all his many incompletions.

Recalled his assorted turnovers too.

But when all that faded, and the world got quiet?

Only one image filled his head.

One face that gave him the answer he dreaded, and the response he feared most.

For outsucking Eli Manning in a week that yet another Peyton schooling was set, for making sure that Jim Harbaugh in his tiny eyeglasses was only the second-silliest looking man on the field that night, for scoring a 66.7 against the Seattle Seahawks, I am proud to present The Jake for Week 2 of the 2013 NFL season to Colin Kaepernick of the San Francisco 49ers.

Any thoughts, Colin?

"This won't make girls afraid to accept open bottles of beer from me, will it?"

Oh no, not in the slightest.
2013-09-17 02:10:31 PM  
2 votes:

Welcome back, one and all, to the game where the points don't matter, the questions are absurdly difficult, and the host's keyboasrd issdg maslfggdfucvnertignd. Thanks to my wonky keyboard, today's questions have more photo clues than usual, but I still have plenty of statistical delicious anomalies for you. We have 16 questions this week, 3 categories - Heroes, Zeroes, and biatches Be Shoppin'. Remember to stick around for the end of the quiz where I give you a nifty answer sheet so you can play along without having to format a sheet yourself. Herrewwerwweweee gogror!


1. Which starting QB has shockingly not been sacked so far this season?
2. Whose stat line is this? 1-1, 17 yards, 17 yards receiving, 4 TKL
3. Known gym rat and scrappy player Julian Edelman led the NFL this week with 13 receptions, but in a close 2nd was a RB. But who?
4. Who turned back the clock and led the league in sacks for week 2?
5. Delighting fantasy owners everywhere, which kicker kicked two FGs of 50+?


1. Which NFL team has allowed the most yards from scrimmage this year?
2.  Which NFL team has the fewest rushing yards and YPC?
3.  Tony Romo is currently the league's most accurate passer at 72.5%, but who is the least accurate starting QB in the NFL?
4.  Which kicker holds the title of Shankapotamus with 4 missed kicks?
5. Which team has run the fewest plays from scrimmage?

biatches Be Shoppin'
1, 2, and 3: Who are these three QBs that wear #12 poorly photoshopped jerseys?
4, 5, and 6: What number do these fictional football players wear?

That's all the questions for today! Here's your answer sregeheeyttett.

1. Never sacked -
2. Reception, 4 tackles, 1 pass-
3. RB with most catches week 2-
4. Most sacks week 2-
5. 2 50+ FGs week 2-

1. Most yards allowed-
2. Fewest rushing yards-
3. Least accurate passer-
4. Missed 4 kicks so far-
5. Fewest plays from scrimmage-

biatches Be Shoppin:
2013-09-17 04:45:27 PM  
1 vote:

mikaloyd: On the graf it appears the the Saints and Da Bears have hit ESPN's glass ceiling in the rankings

I knew the bears were a bunch of girls
2013-09-17 03:32:39 PM  
1 vote:

Your answers for week 2:

1. Sam Bradford has yet to be sacked. Hopefully that will change this weekend.
2. Cards CB Patrick Peterson put in a reception, a pass, and 4 tackles this week.
3. Matt Forte hauled in 11 passes this week, for 71 yards.
4. Mario Williams had 4.5 sacks this week in what was arguably the least talked-about 4.5 sack game ver.
5. Dan Bailey tried to overcome the Cowboys offensive woes with 2 50+ FGs, but they fell to the Chiefs.

1. The Redskins have allowed 511.5 YPG so far this season. Ouch.
2. The New York Giants have totaled a paltry 73 yards this season, meaning that Adrian Peterson has so far outrun them on one play.
3. JAWSH FREEMAN has derped his way to a pathetic 45.3% completion rating and still almost beat the Saints.
4. Bullock out of Houston missed 4 FGs so far, making that Titans game far more interesting than it needed to be.
5. The Steelers have run the fewest plays from scrimmage (108) but that will happen when you're terribad.

1. A-aron RodGeers.
2. Tom 52% completion rating Brady
3. Andrew "Gritty Comeback Loss" Luck
4: Sandler wears 18 in The Longest Yard, not 22 like Burt Reynolds wore.
5. Shane "footsteps" Falco wore #16 before going back to cleaning barnacles off boats.
6. Bobby Boucher wears #9, presumably because the mud dugs don't have enough jerseys for defensive player numbers.
2013-09-17 02:56:16 PM  
1 vote:

steamingpile: Nadie_AZ: How are the  Seahawks on top? That smashing was against a division opponent that had emotions high. I mean, you could almost feel the electricity in the air. It was as if I were going to see lightning through out the stadium as the game went on.

That's just the adderral they were smoking before the game.....

Power rankings are like CFB rankings, useless until around week 4-5 to see how everything shakes out.

It's still a little better than college.  At least NFL teams are playing other NFL teams.  Some of the colleges are playing what might as well be a pee wee league team.
2013-09-17 02:46:27 PM  
1 vote:
never thought I would say this but:

The STEELERS are too damn high!!!
2013-09-17 02:13:05 PM  
1 vote:

Are too damned high.

2013-09-17 02:10:15 PM  
1 vote:
HAY GUIZE who wants to check out some data represented visually?

Took some suggestions from last week, ignored others, forgot others. Tried to get everyone on one line, but ONCE AGAIN, Baltimore has to ruin everything! Figures.

Useless info for your ignoring pleasure:

Change from Week 1 to this week:
One 14 point drop:Redskins
Two 8 point jumps: Dolphins & Chargers

Three teams are right back where they started: Seahawks, 49ers, & Packers

Change from last week to this week:
Two 5 point drops:Redskins, Eagles
One 10 point jump: Chargers

Number of times rankings have changed:
9 teams have changed once
Everybody else has changed twice

Difference between high rank & low rank:
Lowest fluctuation:Bengals & Seahawks with 1
Highest fluctuation:Redskins with 14
Average fluctuation is 4.75

Most spots traveled: Eagles & Redskins, both with 14

Teams hitting their highest rank this week:9 teams
Teams hitting their lowest rank this week:11 teams

Seven teams did not change rank

Two teams have held the #1 spot: Seahawks & 49ers
2013-09-17 01:59:21 PM  
1 vote:

vento: The Steelers are ranked WAY too high.

/Steelers fan

they don't even deserve to be on the list
2013-09-17 01:48:21 PM  
1 vote:

Nadie_AZ: How are the  Seahawks on top? That smashing was against a division opponent that had emotions high. I mean, you could almost feel the electricity in the air. It was as if I were going to see lightning through out the stadium as the game went on.

Because they are very good and most expect the passing game to improve.  Clownstomping the previous #1 helps too.

I would be fine with Denver on top.  They look great so far.
2013-09-17 01:42:13 PM  
1 vote:
The Steelers are ranked WAY too high.

/Steelers fan
2013-09-17 01:34:00 PM  
1 vote:
for those that missed it in the Sunday thread:

FAIL part one
FAIL part deux

brought to you by Bunny_deville and moi.

/who speaks limited french
2013-09-17 01:32:22 PM  
1 vote:
How the hell are the Pats above the Saints?

How the hell are the Pats at number 7?

Have they even been watching these games?
2013-09-17 01:24:07 PM  
1 vote:

Cyberluddite: As a Niner fan I hate to mention this, but doesn't Kaepernick get the Jake this week?  He put up 3 INTs and lost one fumble--did any other QB top that this week?

Manning, the Younger?
2013-09-17 12:52:58 PM  
1 vote:

HaywoodJablonski: And the Colts get TEN at San Fran

Long way to travel for a fairly local game, no?
2013-09-17 12:48:09 PM  
1 vote:
Woot Texans!
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