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(CNN)   Seven popular scams that steakhouses use to fool you into spending money. Your dog wants aged beef kidney suet   (eatocracy.cnn.com) divider line 28
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27387 clicks; posted to Main » on 17 Sep 2013 at 1:09 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-09-17 01:34:38 PM  
6 votes:
That's why I prefer to cook/grill my own. As long as the cut of meat comes from urban range cows, I'm good to go!
/especially the ones raised on a rooftop ranch
//not from a skyscraper rooftop as those usually have to much 'windburn'
2013-09-17 01:27:23 PM  
6 votes:

Port1080: Meh.  I get my steaks from my cousin, who's too cheap to spend money to fatten his cows, so they're totally "pastured raised, organic" - they taste great, and it's $3.50 a pound.  Can't argue with that.


The trick is to get the up hill side of the cow. The side that was down hill supported most of the cows weight and will be tough and chewy.
2013-09-17 12:45:31 PM  
5 votes:
My local butcher shop (who already had the best steaks I've found) just renovated to include a dry-aging room. They might as well have hooked a vacuum up to my wallet.
2013-09-17 01:29:49 PM  
4 votes:

groppet: My friends know some meat people. So when I go visit my folks they always load me up with whatever they have overflowing from the freezer. I get to see them this weekend hmmmmmm.


3.bp.blogspot.com
2013-09-17 05:51:00 PM  
3 votes:
thenunmber5:

Or...

you actually learn how to cook a steak
A: StartCharcoal Grill (Chunk hardwoodCharcoal, lit with Electric charcoal starter)
B: Salt (and season how you like if you wish)
C. place on Flat Plate with absorbent paper towel on top and bottom, place Second Plate on top of the meat with a Soup Can(Or pie wight)
D: Allow Steak to Come to Room Temp
( A~D, Should Take you ~ 1 hour)
E: Now that your Coals are good and hot,, make two zones in your Grill, one Side with the Very Hot Coals, the other with none
D: sear steaks to liking, move to "Cold" side to finish
E: Eat


My apartment is filling up with smoke!  What should I do now?
2013-09-17 01:35:14 PM  
3 votes:

hubiestubert: wee: hubiestubert: Because I have a lot more practice at it

And I made myself a sous vide machine.  I can get a steak with a perfect crust while also having almost zero transition zone between that crust and the perfectly medium-rare exactly 128 degree interior. It's straight-up cheating.  The only trick is finding good beef.  And since the wife knows a local rancher who can get us meat from a cow that was never fed corn (and then drugs to digest that corn), it's really no trick at all.

I know it sounds like bravado, and I don't mean to impugn your profession or skills, but I can't get a restaurant steak better than I can make at home, unless I go to one of those places that has vats of constantly-reducing beef stock and a dry-aging room and the like.  But like Ruth's Chris or whatever?  No comparison whatsoever.

Oddly enough, I've used sous verde, and I pretty much despise them. Too much time, too much space, and the cook time is a pain in the tochis.

You feel good with your skills, then drive on. I only have 25 years of professional experience to fall back upon for preparation, only a several hundred steaks and other cuts a week, and a merciless public craving both novel and classical preparations to satisfy. And all the while having to concentrate on not just beef, lamb, pork, chicken, sauces, vegetables, salad, pairings for beer, wine and more. Nope. There is no way that I could ever satisfy a gourmand like yourself...

In the meantime, I guess I can continue to be paid for my shameful waste of time...


Dude, this is Fark.  That's pretty much the mission statement for this place.
2013-09-17 01:31:19 PM  
3 votes:
Due to time & economic restraints (the burden of a family - yadda-yadda) most of my "steak" comes chopped up on a bun and passed through my car window.
The thought of sitting down in a faded-era restaurant and served by well-endowed past-her-prime waitress sounds very appealing to me - even if the grill marks on my utility-grade horse meat was drawn on with a Sharpie.
2013-09-17 01:15:17 PM  
3 votes:
I'll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you rather to take his word for it?No, what I mean is, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass... No, wait. It's gotta be your bull...
2013-09-17 05:11:26 PM  
2 votes:
Illustrated guide to perfect steak... first get a prime rib eye:  $15+
a248.e.akamai.net
Add spices like salt, pepper, onion powder, garlic powder... a little paprika makes a nice color... not enough to change the flavor.   ($10 but you already have this)

4.bp.blogspot.com


Fill a small cooler with hot water:  ($20 but you already have this)
i.walmartimages.com

Test the temp with a digital instant read thermometer:  ($8 at the supermarket or Target)
img1.targetimg1.com
If the temp is more than 132, add cold water to bring it down to between 131 and 132.  If it is less than 131 then add hot water to bring it up, but not over 132.  This is the hardest part of the process.


Put the steak in a ziplok bag... one steak per bag.  ($3 but you already have this)
www.vitacost.com

Close the half way and then put the bag mostly into the water such that the steak is submerged but the top of the bag is above the water.  The water forces all the air out of the bag and then close the bag the rest of the way so it is water tight with no air.

Wait at least one hour, longer if it is a really thick steak.  YOU CANNOT OVER-COOK THE STEAK BUT YOU CAN UNDER-COOK IT.
www.drmenlo.com

While you are waiting, prepare the remainder of the meal or get roaring drunk.  Your choice.

When you take the steak out of the bag it will have an unappealing grey color.  Don't worry.

Put steak on a cold grill or a similar fire-proof place:
www.momgoesgreen.com


Fire up the MAPP gas torch.   $8 Home Depot
www.finehomebuilding.com

Sear that steak with the 3000 degree flame!  Be sure to hit the sides all the way around...  Then flip it over and do the other side.

Put it on the plate and optionally rub a little pat of butter all over it:
kindawonderful.typepad.com

Serve and enjoy a steak that is evenly cooked medium rare all the way through instead of well on the outside and rare on the inside.  The fact that can get rip roaring drunk before using a gas torch but STILL NOT BURN THE STEAK makes this the best recipe evar!
2013-09-17 01:26:22 PM  
2 votes:
Lemme ask you something, chief, have you ever grilled before? Anything at all? Ever? You look befuddled. You wanna flip that one, I'm telling you, you're gonna burn it. They're gonna be like hockey pucks. I'm just sayin'. I used to be a grillmaster at a summer camp and I would consider some sauces. Just sayin'.

OW! Hey, MJ, we should hang out! (foom)
2013-09-17 01:26:11 PM  
2 votes:

hubiestubert: You feel good with your skills, then drive on. I only have 25 years of professional experience to fall back upon for preparation, only a several hundred steaks and other cuts a week, and a merciless public craving both novel and classical preparations to satisfy. And all the while having to concentrate on not just beef, lamb, pork, chicken, sauces, vegetables, salad, pairings for beer, wine and more. Nope. There is no way that I could ever satisfy a gourmand like yourself...

In the meantime, I guess I can continue to be paid for my shameful waste of time...


Well, that escalated quickly.

We get it - you're an arteest, and the rest of us who lack the appreciation necessary for bagged salad with boiled eggs on top, toast with beans, or roast beast a la heat lamp can go back to our gruel.  Which in my case last night, consisted of olive oil poached prawns (from my homemade sous vide rig), leg of lamb with a yogurt and thyme crust (recipe from a Greek grandma), roasted tri-color fingerling potatoes with herbs, locally sourced rustic greens, and flourless chocolate cake with black pepper.

I guess the fact that I didn't cook it for several hundred covers makes it pretty-much inedible, though.  I'll let my dinner guests know.

But seriously - I know it takes alot of talent, hard work and discipline to make not only good but also consistent food, time and again, hundreds of times a night.  Not everyone can do it, and even fewer can do it well.  But don't pretend no one else can cook a steak, that's just pretentious.
2013-09-17 01:20:00 PM  
2 votes:
Steak connoisseurs on Fark? Big surprise.

What wine goes best with bloviating spittle?
2013-09-17 12:46:38 PM  
2 votes:

wee: hubiestubert: Because I have a lot more practice at it

And I made myself a sous vide machine.  I can get a steak with a perfect crust while also having almost zero transition zone between that crust and the perfectly medium-rare exactly 128 degree interior. It's straight-up cheating.  The only trick is finding good beef.  And since the wife knows a local rancher who can get us meat from a cow that was never fed corn (and then drugs to digest that corn), it's really no trick at all.

I know it sounds like bravado, and I don't mean to impugn your profession or skills, but I can't get a restaurant steak better than I can make at home, unless I go to one of those places that has vats of constantly-reducing beef stock and a dry-aging room and the like.  But like Ruth's Chris or whatever?  No comparison whatsoever.


Oddly enough, I've used sous verde, and I pretty much despise them. Too much time, too much space, and the cook time is a pain in the tochis.

You feel good with your skills, then drive on. I only have 25 years of professional experience to fall back upon for preparation, only a several hundred steaks and other cuts a week, and a merciless public craving both novel and classical preparations to satisfy. And all the while having to concentrate on not just beef, lamb, pork, chicken, sauces, vegetables, salad, pairings for beer, wine and more. Nope. There is no way that I could ever satisfy a gourmand like yourself...

In the meantime, I guess I can continue to be paid for my shameful waste of time...
2013-09-17 12:21:44 PM  
2 votes:
List fails without $12 wedge salad
2013-09-18 09:30:31 AM  
1 votes:

Lusebagage: #8.  Get cancer from Heterocyclic amines (HCAs) and polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons (PAHs)  produced when cooking meat.


cdn.iwastesomuchtime.com
2013-09-17 05:55:22 PM  
1 votes:

IRQ12: thenunmber5:

Or...

you actually learn how to cook a steak
A: StartCharcoal Grill (Chunk hardwoodCharcoal, lit with Electric charcoal starter)
B: Salt (and season how you like if you wish)
C. place on Flat Plate with absorbent paper towel on top and bottom, place Second Plate on top of the meat with a Soup Can(Or pie wight)
D: Allow Steak to Come to Room Temp
( A~D, Should Take you ~ 1 hour)
E: Now that your Coals are good and hot,, make two zones in your Grill, one Side with the Very Hot Coals, the other with none
D: sear steaks to liking, move to "Cold" side to finish
E: Eat

My apartment is filling up with smoke!  What should I do now?


breath deep
2013-09-17 05:04:06 PM  
1 votes:
I'll pistol whip the next person who says "sous vide".
2013-09-17 03:09:03 PM  
1 votes:

bungle_jr: when we go out for steak we go to Texas Roadhouse.


In back, they got some bungalows?

/for the people who like to go down slow
wee
2013-09-17 02:57:54 PM  
1 votes:

johnny_vegas: so you are mass producing a product to the tune of "hundreds a week" and wee can focus on just making his steak for himself and he knows exactly how he likes it and has a repeatable proven method he enjoys. Why should it be a surprise or a perceived jab at your culinary chops that he is better able to satisfy himself


Hell, I know I could never hack it in a commercial kitchen.  But I also know that being a science nerd I need to figure out how to cook something just the way I like it.  So I built this: http://i.imgur.com/RY7BqXD.jpg  And now I can experiment with eggs, and scallops and asparagus and whatever.  It's fun, and if I wind up turning some awesome $14.99/pound strips into steaks exactly how I like them, all the better! :-) Cheaper than going out, anyway.

I also make my own bacon, pastrami, sausages, mustard, sauerkraut, pickles, kimchee, and a bunch of other things I could buy commercially but which aren't nearly quite as good as what I can produce.  Doesn't mean any chef type guys should take offense just because I have science projects all over my kitchen counter...
2013-09-17 02:51:16 PM  
1 votes:

Smeggy Smurf: Cook?  You actually cook your steak?  All you need to do is knock it's horns off, wipe it's nasty ass and plop it down on the plate.


You don't wipe the ass, you fool. That's the creamed spinach.
2013-09-17 02:30:48 PM  
1 votes:
I'm going to Outback, ordering the Outback Special with the loaded potato, house salad, and maybe a fried onion thing and you want to know what?  I'm going to enjoy the hell out of it, the rest of y'all can just pucker up and kiss my ass.

Waitress, can I get some ketchup over here?  mmmmm, nothing brings out the taste of a perfectly cooked medium rare steak like a whole bunch of ketchup.
2013-09-17 02:09:32 PM  
1 votes:
Cook?  You actually cook your steak?  All you need to do is knock it's horns off, wipe it's nasty ass and plop it down on the plate.
2013-09-17 01:44:39 PM  
1 votes:
I don't have to worry about any of this as I am a vegetarian and am healthier than you are.
2013-09-17 01:31:57 PM  
1 votes:
8. Getting you to fill up on the complimentary bread.

i.imgur.com
2013-09-17 01:29:14 PM  
1 votes:
Smells like dicks in here.
2013-09-17 01:16:22 PM  
1 votes:

costermonger: My local butcher shop (who already had the best steaks I've found) just renovated to include a dry-aging room. They might as well have hooked a vacuum up to my wallet.


Shutupandtakemymoney.jpg
2013-09-17 01:11:04 PM  
1 votes:
1% problems.
2013-09-17 10:59:34 AM  
1 votes:

sigdiamond2000: #1: Making you think they can cook a better steak than you can.


No, they can get better steaks than you can. They have first pick of the best USDA Prime cuts, and you and I can't buy those (unless you know someone).
 
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