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(CNN)   Seven popular scams that steakhouses use to fool you into spending money. Your dog wants aged beef kidney suet   (eatocracy.cnn.com) divider line 39
    More: Interesting, Men's Wearhouse, Joshua Ozersky, Food & Wine, food festivals, MasterChef  
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27386 clicks; posted to Main » on 17 Sep 2013 at 1:09 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Smartest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-09-17 10:39:40 AM  
5 votes:
#1: Making you think they can cook a better steak than you can.
2013-09-17 12:21:44 PM  
4 votes:
List fails without $12 wedge salad
2013-09-17 12:04:06 PM  
3 votes:

sigdiamond2000: #1: Making you think they can cook a better steak than you can.


Oddly enough, considering that I tend to cook steaks forty or fifty times a night, yeah, I DO think that. Because I have a lot more practice at it.

Steakhouses are machines that produce a commodity, and they sell the concept, and the execution is often shoddy, because many of them take a franchise approach that is just simply a fast food mentality, written onto a menu that is a dang sight pricier, but still it is a franchise, turn and burn approach. Buyer beware.

The list is not a bad one. There are a lot of folks who are willing to sell you crap, and tell you it's manna from Heaven, and they're doing so at a huge markup, and well beyond the usual. There is a reason that you don't visit chains if you want good food: they're not interested in good food, only selling you what they can, at fairly obscene profit margins, and hope that they can stuff you to the gills so you don't realize how badly they've rooked you.
2013-09-17 01:51:07 PM  
2 votes:

Benevolent Misanthrope: Well, that escalated quickly.

We get it - you're an arteest, and the rest of us who lack the appreciation necessary for bagged salad with boiled eggs on top, toast with beans, or roast beast a la heat lamp can go back to our gruel. Which in my case last night, consisted of olive oil poached prawns (from my homemade sous vide rig), leg of lamb with a yogurt and thyme crust (recipe from a Greek grandma), roasted tri-color fingerling potatoes with herbs, locally sourced rustic greens, and flourless chocolate cake with black pepper.

I guess the fact that I didn't cook it for several hundred covers makes it pretty-much inedible, though. I'll let my dinner guests know.

But seriously - I know it takes alot of talent, hard work and discipline to make not only good but also consistent food, time and again, hundreds of times a night. Not everyone can do it, and even fewer can do it well. But don't pretend no one else can cook a steak, that's just pretentious.


This, people, is how you troll. After all that tripe, he accuses the other guy of being pretentious. I broke out laughing.
2013-09-17 01:20:00 PM  
2 votes:
Steak connoisseurs on Fark? Big surprise.

What wine goes best with bloviating spittle?
2013-09-17 01:11:04 PM  
2 votes:
1% problems.
2013-09-17 10:59:34 AM  
2 votes:

sigdiamond2000: #1: Making you think they can cook a better steak than you can.


No, they can get better steaks than you can. They have first pick of the best USDA Prime cuts, and you and I can't buy those (unless you know someone).
2013-09-18 10:32:32 AM  
1 votes:

bungle_jr: 2 reasons i don't like pink in the burger.

1 - questionable meat quality. unless i know that burger meat was a quality piece of steak until getting ground up a minute before hitting the grill/griddle/pan, then i don't know its quality. cook it till whatever is in it dies!

2 - texture. the texture of a rare sirloin is divine. the texture of pink ground beef is slimy mush. cook it till it's firm!

i love runny-yolk eggs, though. it's runny whites i can do without


All of this.
2013-09-17 05:47:41 PM  
1 votes:

thenumber5: you actually learn how to cook a steak
A: StartCharcoal Grill (Chunk hardwoodCharcoal, lit with Electric charcoal starter)
B: Salt (and season how you like if you wish)
C. place on Flat Plate with absorbent paper towel on top and bottom, place Second Plate on top of the meat with a Soup Can(Or pie wight)
D: Allow Steak to Come to Room Temp
B: Salt (and season how you like if you wish)
( A~D, Should Take you ~ 1 hour)
E: Now that your Coals are good and hot,, make two zones in your Grill, one Side with the Very Hot Coals, the other with none
D: sear steaks to liking, move to "Cold" side to finish
E: Eat


FTFY

/Why waste seasoning on your paper towels?
//Season the steak AFTER it comes to temp - the salt needs time to work on the meat, but the spices are better if you apply them just before hitting the heat
///While I enjoy grilling, and cook outside pretty much every day I can, the best steak I ever made was with the rocket-hot-cast-iron method.
2013-09-17 05:40:45 PM  
1 votes:

TheWhoppah: Illustrated guide to perfect steak... first get a prime rib eye:  $15+
[a248.e.akamai.net image 600x450]
Add spices like salt, pepper, onion powder, garlic powder... a little paprika makes a nice color... not enough to change the flavor.   ($10 but you already have this)

[4.bp.blogspot.com image 320x214]


Fill a small cooler with hot water:  ($20 but you already have this)
[i.walmartimages.com image 500x500]

Test the temp with a digital instant read thermometer:  ($8 at the supermarket or Target)
[img1.targetimg1.com image 410x410]
If the temp is more than 132, add cold water to bring it down to between 131 and 132.  If it is less than 131 then add hot water to bring it up, but not over 132.  This is the hardest part of the process.


Put the steak in a ziplok bag... one steak per bag.  ($3 but you already have this)
[www.vitacost.com image 850x279]

Close the half way and then put the bag mostly into the water such that the steak is submerged but the top of the bag is above the water.  The water forces all the air out of the bag and then close the bag the rest of the way so it is water tight with no air.

Wait at least one hour, longer if it is a really thick steak.  YOU CANNOT OVER-COOK THE STEAK BUT YOU CAN UNDER-COOK IT.
[www.drmenlo.com image 375x331]

While you are waiting, prepare the remainder of the meal or get roaring drunk.  Your choice.

When you take the steak out of the bag it will have an unappealing grey color.  Don't worry.

Put steak on a cold grill or a similar fire-proof place:
[www.momgoesgreen.com image 360x360]


Fire up the MAPP gas torch.   $8 Home Depot
[www.finehomebuilding.com image 300x325]

Sear that steak with the 3000 degree flame!  Be sure to hit the sides all the way around...  Then flip it over and do the other side.

Put it on the plate and optionally rub a little pat of butter all over it:
[kindawonderful.typepad.com image 350x269]

Serve and enjoy a steak that is evenly cooked medium rare all the way through instead of well o ...


Or...

you actually learn how to cook a steak
A: StartCharcoal Grill (Chunk hardwoodCharcoal, lit with Electric charcoal starter)
B: Salt (and season how you like if you wish)
C. place on Flat Plate with absorbent paper towel on top and bottom, place Second Plate on top of the meat with a Soup Can(Or pie wight)
D: Allow Steak to Come to Room Temp
( A~D, Should Take you ~ 1 hour)
E: Now that your Coals are good and hot,, make two zones in your Grill, one Side with the Very Hot Coals, the other with none
D: sear steaks to liking, move to "Cold" side to finish
E: Eat
2013-09-17 05:11:26 PM  
1 votes:
Illustrated guide to perfect steak... first get a prime rib eye:  $15+
a248.e.akamai.net
Add spices like salt, pepper, onion powder, garlic powder... a little paprika makes a nice color... not enough to change the flavor.   ($10 but you already have this)

4.bp.blogspot.com


Fill a small cooler with hot water:  ($20 but you already have this)
i.walmartimages.com

Test the temp with a digital instant read thermometer:  ($8 at the supermarket or Target)
img1.targetimg1.com
If the temp is more than 132, add cold water to bring it down to between 131 and 132.  If it is less than 131 then add hot water to bring it up, but not over 132.  This is the hardest part of the process.


Put the steak in a ziplok bag... one steak per bag.  ($3 but you already have this)
www.vitacost.com

Close the half way and then put the bag mostly into the water such that the steak is submerged but the top of the bag is above the water.  The water forces all the air out of the bag and then close the bag the rest of the way so it is water tight with no air.

Wait at least one hour, longer if it is a really thick steak.  YOU CANNOT OVER-COOK THE STEAK BUT YOU CAN UNDER-COOK IT.
www.drmenlo.com

While you are waiting, prepare the remainder of the meal or get roaring drunk.  Your choice.

When you take the steak out of the bag it will have an unappealing grey color.  Don't worry.

Put steak on a cold grill or a similar fire-proof place:
www.momgoesgreen.com


Fire up the MAPP gas torch.   $8 Home Depot
www.finehomebuilding.com

Sear that steak with the 3000 degree flame!  Be sure to hit the sides all the way around...  Then flip it over and do the other side.

Put it on the plate and optionally rub a little pat of butter all over it:
kindawonderful.typepad.com

Serve and enjoy a steak that is evenly cooked medium rare all the way through instead of well on the outside and rare on the inside.  The fact that can get rip roaring drunk before using a gas torch but STILL NOT BURN THE STEAK makes this the best recipe evar!
2013-09-17 04:47:49 PM  
1 votes:
Get a Thermapen. Learn how to use it.
2013-09-17 03:52:03 PM  
1 votes:

revrendjim: hey have first pick of the best USDA Prime cuts, and you and I can't buy those (unless you know someone).


our Costco sells prime beef. and it's awesome.
2013-09-17 03:49:42 PM  
1 votes:
My grandfather came from a Texas cattle ranch, way back in the day, before all that fancy stuff such as electricity and vaccines.  He took his steak well-done, always, his whole life.  Because that way the diseases and parasites the cattle carried wouldn't kill his family.

Be thankful for modern medicine and your rare steak.
2013-09-17 03:10:08 PM  
1 votes:

sigdiamond2000: #1: Making you think they can cook a better steak than you can.


it's perfectly possible that you can cook a good steak.

however, most people are terrible at cooking steaks. they molest it too much while it's on the grill.  they employ the retarded press down with the spatula method to destroy the steak.  They flip it too many times. they throw it on the grill before the grill is the right temperature, they don't let the steak come to temperature before cooking it, they overcook the steak, they cut into the steak to see if it's done, they poorly season it (which most likely includes overseasoning), and the worst of all, they serve it right from the grill without letting it rest.

oh well.  best steak on the grill is the hangar steak.  best beef product on earth (other than bone marrow) is chateaubriande or rib roast.  i don't see these items on a lot of steakhouse menus.
2013-09-17 03:09:25 PM  
1 votes:

URAPNIS: Went to a Roadhouse or some such place a few months ago for lunch.
Ordered a burger, medium rare.
Waitress says they can only cook medium or more.
I told her I wanted medium with lots of pink in the middle.
Seems silly like the way they avoid lawsuits and complaints about food poisoning.

2013-09-17 03:09:03 PM  
1 votes:

bungle_jr: when we go out for steak we go to Texas Roadhouse.


In back, they got some bungalows?

/for the people who like to go down slow
wee
2013-09-17 02:57:54 PM  
1 votes:

johnny_vegas: so you are mass producing a product to the tune of "hundreds a week" and wee can focus on just making his steak for himself and he knows exactly how he likes it and has a repeatable proven method he enjoys. Why should it be a surprise or a perceived jab at your culinary chops that he is better able to satisfy himself


Hell, I know I could never hack it in a commercial kitchen.  But I also know that being a science nerd I need to figure out how to cook something just the way I like it.  So I built this: http://i.imgur.com/RY7BqXD.jpg  And now I can experiment with eggs, and scallops and asparagus and whatever.  It's fun, and if I wind up turning some awesome $14.99/pound strips into steaks exactly how I like them, all the better! :-) Cheaper than going out, anyway.

I also make my own bacon, pastrami, sausages, mustard, sauerkraut, pickles, kimchee, and a bunch of other things I could buy commercially but which aren't nearly quite as good as what I can produce.  Doesn't mean any chef type guys should take offense just because I have science projects all over my kitchen counter...
2013-09-17 02:33:10 PM  
1 votes:

revrendjim: sigdiamond2000: #1: Making you think they can cook a better steak than you can.

No, they can get better steaks than you can. They have first pick of the best USDA Prime cuts, and you and I can't buy those (unless you know someone).


Nonsense. Find a local (non-feedlot) farmer who raises decent meat, and you can get better cuts than any restaurant.
2013-09-17 02:15:27 PM  
1 votes:

wax_on: 2KanZam: wee: hubiestubert: Because I have a lot more practice at it

And I made myself a sous vide machine.  I can get a steak with a perfect crust while also having almost zero transition zone between that crust and the perfectly medium-rare exactly 128 degree interior. It's straight-up cheating.


A crust w/ sous vide? bullshiat....unless you somehow created a machine that can superheat water to 400 deg F?  I assume you are searing your boiled steak?  I'll take a cast iron cooked steak anyday.

/I ran a steakhouse kitchen and was on the grill for years...
//I will not buy steak @ a restaurant.

No dumbass.  Sous vide brings it to the exact internal temp. Searing the crust happens on a very high heat grill for just a minute or two.  If you ran a kitchen you should have been able to figure that out so I assume you didn't.


Um...I think you are mistaken on who to call the dumbass.  He seems to be saying that he gets a crust from his sous vide machine.  Dumbass.
2013-09-17 01:48:12 PM  
1 votes:
A couple of my tenants run cattle on the big corners or non-farmable areas of land. Sometimes I get lucky and get an entire cow full of 'unlabeled' usda prime. Usually, though, it is 'just way better than you can buy at the store' grade... which is good, but I'm not fooling myself into imagining it into prime beef. I hate buying beef at the grocery store and usually stick to the custom cutters when/if I buy it. My local guy does an awesome job with dry-aging and I'll have him do a 22-28 day age on the best loins when I have whole beeves or sides done in his shop.

Most of my hamburger comes from the grocery store, but with a kind of a twist. Many grocery stores around here put their cheapo steak cuts like select sirloin or ribeye on sale for at or less than the cost of decent hamburger meat. Most of the stores will custom grind hamburger over 10 pounds for free. So... I'll ask the meat market guy if he has any uncut sirloins or ribeyes in the back, have him weight it out at the sale price (and sometimes get a little additional price break since it isn't cut), and he pitches it in the grinder. Ground sirloin/ribeye for the same or less cost than the pre-packaged scrap meat hamburger.
2013-09-17 01:45:40 PM  
1 votes:

chrisco123: I don't have to worry about any of this as I am a vegetarian and am healthier than you are.


8/10 - should have gone with 'vegan'.
2013-09-17 01:44:03 PM  
1 votes:
It never ceases to amaze me how every farker somehow manages to be a foremost expert in every field while still having plenty of time to talk about how they are a foremost expert in every field on Fark for hours on end.
2013-09-17 01:42:35 PM  
1 votes:
There's too much snobbery here. It's meat off a cow's arse. It's good, eat it.
2013-09-17 01:36:43 PM  
1 votes:
Pittsburgh rare strip steaks are glorious.
2013-09-17 01:31:57 PM  
1 votes:
8. Getting you to fill up on the complimentary bread.

i.imgur.com
2013-09-17 01:31:25 PM  
1 votes:

wee: hubiestubert: Because I have a lot more practice at it

And I made myself a sous vide machine.  I can get a steak with a perfect crust while also having almost zero transition zone between that crust and the perfectly medium-rare exactly 128 degree interior. It's straight-up cheating.



A crust w/ sous vide? bullshiat....unless you somehow created a machine that can superheat water to 400 deg F?  I assume you are searing your boiled steak?  I'll take a cast iron cooked steak anyday.

/I ran a steakhouse kitchen and was on the grill for years...
//I will not buy steak @ a restaurant.
2013-09-17 01:28:53 PM  
1 votes:

hubiestubert: wee: hubiestubert: Because I have a lot more practice at it

And I made myself a sous vide machine.  I can get a steak with a perfect crust while also having almost zero transition zone between that crust and the perfectly medium-rare exactly 128 degree interior. It's straight-up cheating.  The only trick is finding good beef.  And since the wife knows a local rancher who can get us meat from a cow that was never fed corn (and then drugs to digest that corn), it's really no trick at all.

I know it sounds like bravado, and I don't mean to impugn your profession or skills, but I can't get a restaurant steak better than I can make at home, unless I go to one of those places that has vats of constantly-reducing beef stock and a dry-aging room and the like.  But like Ruth's Chris or whatever?  No comparison whatsoever.

Oddly enough, I've used sous verde, and I pretty much despise them. Too much time, too much space, and the cook time is a pain in the tochis.

You feel good with your skills, then drive on. I only have 25 years of professional experience to fall back upon for preparation, only a several hundred steaks and other cuts a week, and a merciless public craving both novel and classical preparations to satisfy. And all the while having to concentrate on not just beef, lamb, pork, chicken, sauces, vegetables, salad, pairings for beer, wine and more. Nope. There is no way that I could ever satisfy a gourmand like yourself...

In the meantime, I guess I can continue to be paid for my shameful waste of time...


so you are mass producing a product to the tune of "hundreds a week" and wee can focus on just making his steak for himself and he knows exactly how he likes it and has a repeatable proven method he enjoys.  Why should it be a surprise or a perceived jab at your culinary chops that he is better able to satisfy himself (heh)?
2013-09-17 01:27:23 PM  
1 votes:

Port1080: Meh.  I get my steaks from my cousin, who's too cheap to spend money to fatten his cows, so they're totally "pastured raised, organic" - they taste great, and it's $3.50 a pound.  Can't argue with that.


The trick is to get the up hill side of the cow. The side that was down hill supported most of the cows weight and will be tough and chewy.
2013-09-17 01:25:02 PM  
1 votes:
Waffle House.  Pan-fry that shiat in bacon grease and Pam.  Add Tabasco and an egg.
2013-09-17 01:23:07 PM  
1 votes:
I'm going to a steakhouse tonight and I know what they will use to get this fool to overspend.

BOOZE.
2013-09-17 01:18:56 PM  
1 votes:
I'm surprised there's no mention of "NEVER PUT ANYTHING BUT SALT AND PEPPER ON YOUR STEAK."

/I like a little Montreal steak seasoning
//And a lot of mushrooms and onions
2013-09-17 01:18:01 PM  
1 votes:
Meh.  I get my steaks from my cousin, who's too cheap to spend money to fatten his cows, so they're totally "pastured raised, organic" - they taste great, and it's $3.50 a pound.  Can't argue with that.
2013-09-17 01:15:17 PM  
1 votes:
I'll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you rather to take his word for it?No, what I mean is, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass... No, wait. It's gotta be your bull...
2013-09-17 01:12:56 PM  
1 votes:
Then there are the places that try to get away with the steaks pieced together via transglutaminase.
2013-09-17 12:46:38 PM  
1 votes:

wee: hubiestubert: Because I have a lot more practice at it

And I made myself a sous vide machine.  I can get a steak with a perfect crust while also having almost zero transition zone between that crust and the perfectly medium-rare exactly 128 degree interior. It's straight-up cheating.  The only trick is finding good beef.  And since the wife knows a local rancher who can get us meat from a cow that was never fed corn (and then drugs to digest that corn), it's really no trick at all.

I know it sounds like bravado, and I don't mean to impugn your profession or skills, but I can't get a restaurant steak better than I can make at home, unless I go to one of those places that has vats of constantly-reducing beef stock and a dry-aging room and the like.  But like Ruth's Chris or whatever?  No comparison whatsoever.


Oddly enough, I've used sous verde, and I pretty much despise them. Too much time, too much space, and the cook time is a pain in the tochis.

You feel good with your skills, then drive on. I only have 25 years of professional experience to fall back upon for preparation, only a several hundred steaks and other cuts a week, and a merciless public craving both novel and classical preparations to satisfy. And all the while having to concentrate on not just beef, lamb, pork, chicken, sauces, vegetables, salad, pairings for beer, wine and more. Nope. There is no way that I could ever satisfy a gourmand like yourself...

In the meantime, I guess I can continue to be paid for my shameful waste of time...
wee
2013-09-17 12:29:30 PM  
1 votes:

hubiestubert: Because I have a lot more practice at it


And I made myself a sous vide machine.  I can get a steak with a perfect crust while also having almost zero transition zone between that crust and the perfectly medium-rare exactly 128 degree interior. It's straight-up cheating.  The only trick is finding good beef.  And since the wife knows a local rancher who can get us meat from a cow that was never fed corn (and then drugs to digest that corn), it's really no trick at all.

I know it sounds like bravado, and I don't mean to impugn your profession or skills, but I can't get a restaurant steak better than I can make at home, unless I go to one of those places that has vats of constantly-reducing beef stock and a dry-aging room and the like.  But like Ruth's Chris or whatever?  No comparison whatsoever.
2013-09-17 12:28:12 PM  
1 votes:

hubiestubert: There is a reason that you don't visit chains if you want good food:


Bam.  *Never* go to farking chains unless forced.  And if you do...never order steak.  I haven't willingly been to a chain in years.  And when I did go, they nuked the fark out of anything that sounded good.  NOTE: if you get stuck going to a chain, it's hard to fark up Fettuccine Alfredo...yeah, it's not the greatest and it's probably microwaved Sysco food but at least it's edible.

revrendjim: No, they can get better steaks than you can. They have first pick of the best USDA Prime cuts, and you and I can't buy those (unless you know someone).


Here in Texas, we have HEB who started offering prime cuts last year.  It's typically around $13-$14 a pound though it comes down to $9 and sometimes, once in a blue moon, $7.  But you can also find good stuff in grocery stores if you know what to look for.  Randall's here (Val and Safeway and Tom Thumb for those in other states) will often have decent meat.  And if they ever put their uncut roasts on sale, get them and cut your own steaks as the are pretty decent for cheaper steak beef.
2013-09-17 12:17:35 PM  
1 votes:
I like that he sneaked in a dig at Robert Parker as well, so he can piss off the wine snobs as well as the steak snobs. Multi-faceted troll, always the best kind.
 
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