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(The Raw Story)   Christian TV prophet claims she can re-grow cheek bones and heal Satanic tumors. Ability to create new brain cells still in development   (rawstory.com) divider line 88
    More: Unlikely, TV prophet, self-heal, Holy Spirits, female organs, tumors  
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3716 clicks; posted to Main » on 17 Sep 2013 at 8:47 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



88 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2013-09-17 08:06:17 AM  
i1089.photobucket.com
 
2013-09-17 08:49:48 AM  
I hope I never have to worry about whether someone can regrow my cheek bones.
 
2013-09-17 08:49:48 AM  
Can she just grow extra cheekbone? Because I've always wanted more of a chiseled look.
 
2013-09-17 08:50:13 AM  
Also known as "practicing medicine without a license."
 
2013-09-17 08:51:23 AM  
PUT YER HANDS ON TEH TEE VEE!!!!
 
2013-09-17 08:51:28 AM  
Prove it, farker.

/it's faith, right?
 
2013-09-17 08:52:20 AM  
Christian TV prophet profit claims she can re-grow cheek bones and heal Satanic tumors.

ftfy.
 
GBB
2013-09-17 08:52:39 AM  
Faith healing works.   IT'S SCIENCE!!
 
2013-09-17 08:52:52 AM  
"I gave this prophecy, 'You were in a car accident, and it destroyed your right cheekbone, so literally there's a hollow under your cheek, you have no cheekbone. Where are you?'" she asked people at the meeting. "You see, that even takes faith to ask someone to stand up when you're ministering like this."

Does not the Bible say that thou should turn thy cheek so another car can hit that one as well? (The Gospel of Gieco, Chapter 7, Verse 3)
 
2013-09-17 08:53:09 AM  
Satan's tumor would be a great band name.
 
2013-09-17 08:54:18 AM  

Harry Freakstorm: (The Gospel of Gieco, Chapter 7, Verse 3)


THAT's why I couldn't find it right away.
I have the King Mayhem addition.
 
2013-09-17 08:54:53 AM  
If I could magically heal people I'd be camped out at the biggest hospital in my region, not hosting a television show asking people to send me money. But then I'm not religious.
 
2013-09-17 08:55:03 AM  
I honestly find it hard to believe that any first world person believes another person can heal someone by laying of hands or praying. This is why we'll never colonize Mars or the Moon or even the ocean floor.
 
2013-09-17 08:56:06 AM  

generallyso: If I could magically heal people I'd be camped out at the biggest hospital in my region, not hosting a television show asking people to send me money. But then I'm not religious.


But then, how would you make money?
 
2013-09-17 08:56:06 AM  
Can she heal me of my lack of large breasted Asian strippers? That would be pretty awesome if she could. Or maybe; remove the tumor of not having $20,000 in cash.
 
2013-09-17 08:58:22 AM  
Does she look like Delores Umbridge from Harry Potter to you? She does to me.
 
2013-09-17 08:59:15 AM  
Ah, yes. Because apparently fraud isn't fraud if you say you're doing it for Jesus.
 
2013-09-17 08:59:26 AM  
"I once had a grapefruit-sized tumor in my body, and the Holy Spirit showed me the source of that," the TV prophet recalled. "It had come from a root of unforgiveness and a root of wounding. And, in fact, it was near - or behind my female organs or whatever and the Lord showed me that Satan had wounded me as a woman."

And tho God did remove the Satan tumor, I did not tell my husband about it. He would have wanted to go right to tuna town and Lord knows he likes to spill his seed everywhere but in the baby garden. I know, we already have six kids and each one's a blessing. But the husband only works when "God tells him to" and I guess God hasn't been talking to him lately. The only food the kids get is when they got to school and get the free meal. Weekends are really a trial with them lamenting about their empty tummies. But I put my faith and my nose in the good book and know that God will provide. He's got to love us much more than those poor desert people in Afriker. He just has to.
 
2013-09-17 08:59:40 AM  
How is this different from greens that state with absolute faith that the melting Himalayan ice caps are going to drown brown people while there is no melting going on.

/// obviously this person's a nut, I'm just trying to see a difference between fark approved nuts and nuts fark hates.
 
2013-09-17 09:00:26 AM  

iheartscotch: Can she heal me of my lack of large breasted Asian strippers? That would be pretty awesome if she could. Or maybe; remove the tumor of not having $20,000 in cash.


i1.ytimg.com
 
2013-09-17 09:01:03 AM  

stuhayes2010: This is why we'll never colonize Mars or the Moon or even the ocean floor.


I dunno. I'd be in favor of just launching people like her at any of those destinations until it works.

Or we run out of them. Whichever comes first I guess.

/ you don't need a spacesuit or submersible, god will fill your lungs with healing faith...
 
2013-09-17 09:01:14 AM  
Nonsense and hogwash.  Christianity isn't a magic show.
 
2013-09-17 09:01:38 AM  
images2.wikia.nocookie.net

Is relevant to his interests.
 
2013-09-17 09:02:47 AM  
As a Christian, I say to Cindy Jacobs:

i1057.photobucket.com
 
2013-09-17 09:04:07 AM  
Gee, thanks, dude.
 
2013-09-17 09:05:34 AM  

stuhayes2010: But then, how would you make money?


The same way I do now.
 
2013-09-17 09:05:44 AM  
That's a weird super power.
 
2013-09-17 09:07:53 AM  

OnlyM3: How is this different from greens that state with absolute faith that the melting Himalayan ice caps are going to drown brown people while there is no melting going on.

/// obviously this person's a nut, I'm just trying to see a difference between fark approved nuts and nuts fark hates.


img.photobucket.com
 
2013-09-17 09:09:39 AM  
Faith healing Christians have it all over the old witchdoctors and shamans. They had to wear funny outfits, dress themselves with animal skins and old bones, mess up their hair with healing herbs and paint their faces with icky blood.

thomas-hopp.com2.bp.blogspot.com

All this lady does is wear Lane Bryant clothes and makes funny faces likes she's faking the big O.
31.media.tumblr.comencrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com
Seems like a ripoff to me.
 
2013-09-17 09:11:28 AM  

Harry Freakstorm: "I gave this prophecy, 'You were in a car accident, and it destroyed your right cheekbone, so literally there's a hollow under your cheek, you have no cheekbone. Where are you?'" she asked people at the meeting. "You see, that even takes faith to ask someone to stand up when you're ministering like this."


What the ever-loving fark does that even mean?

It's beyond Palin-esque in its word-salad-ity.

How is there any "prophecy" in that?  Sounds like a a description of a past event, not a future prediction.  How do broken bones just vanish?  If I break my femur, it's not like I "have no femur". And the last sentence just baffles me.
 
2013-09-17 09:12:35 AM  
Cool.

Lets smash her cheek bone in and watch as she miraculously heals it.
 
2013-09-17 09:14:33 AM  
call me when she heals an amputee.
 
2013-09-17 09:15:38 AM  
Correction:  FALSE Prophet.
 
2013-09-17 09:17:04 AM  
weknowgifs.com
 
2013-09-17 09:18:33 AM  
i560.photobucket.com
 
2013-09-17 09:19:45 AM  
""I gave this prophecy, 'You were in a car accident, and it destroyed your right cheekbone, so literally there's a hollow under your cheek, you have no cheekbone. Where are you? "

I don't think she understands what the word 'prophecy' means.
 
2013-09-17 09:28:05 AM  
For your information subby, she has cured every satanic tumor she's ever laid hands on.
 
2013-09-17 09:32:25 AM  

generallyso: If I could magically heal people I'd be camped out at the biggest hospital in my region, not hosting a television show asking people to send me money. But then I'm not religious.


Whynotboth.jpg

Cause you still gotta eat, unless your magical healing will fix hunger. What, you still gonna take 8 hours a day to hold down a day job instead of growing people new kidneys or whatever? Seems like a dick move.
 
2013-09-17 09:33:29 AM  
So she's the one behind all those "grow your cock by 3 inches!" emails, eh?
 
2013-09-17 09:38:47 AM  

Ned Stark: generallyso: If I could magically heal people I'd be camped out at the biggest hospital in my region, not hosting a television show asking people to send me money. But then I'm not religious.

Whynotboth.jpg

Cause you still gotta eat, unless your magical healing will fix hunger. What, you still gonna take 8 hours a day to hold down a day job instead of growing people new kidneys or whatever? Seems like a dick move.


Charge like five bucks for each healing, just to cover expenses. You'll have no shortage of clients. Keep yourself fed and a roof over your head, and donate the rest to charity.
 
2013-09-17 09:47:38 AM  
"It was behind my female organs, or whatever."

WAT
 
2013-09-17 09:53:09 AM  

Unoriginal_Username: ""I gave this prophecy, 'You were in a car accident, and it destroyed your right cheekbone, so literally there's a hollow under your cheek, you have no cheekbone. Where are you? "

I don't think she understands what the word 'prophecy' means.


i.imgur.com
 
2013-09-17 09:55:14 AM  

ChipNASA: PUT YER HANDS ON TEH TEE VEE!!!!


I think you're supposed to put your checkbook on the TV.
 
2013-09-17 09:56:25 AM  

Dimensio: [images2.wikia.nocookie.net image 425x217]

Is relevant to his interests.


Gus Fring could also have used her help.

/He needed a little more than a cheekbone.
 
2013-09-17 09:58:43 AM  

Anne.Uumellmahaye: "It was behind my female organs, or whatever."

WAT


I don't think they're allowed tone use any term related to a vagina/uterus/cervix. Every time they do, someone gets a Satan tumor.

Also, wtf is a satan tumor? It it different than a regular tumor? Please show your work, I'm a visual learner.
 
2013-09-17 10:02:31 AM  

Wade_Wilson: Ned Stark: generallyso: If I could magically heal people I'd be camped out at the biggest hospital in my region, not hosting a television show asking people to send me money. But then I'm not religious.

Whynotboth.jpg

Cause you still gotta eat, unless your magical healing will fix hunger. What, you still gonna take 8 hours a day to hold down a day job instead of growing people new kidneys or whatever? Seems like a dick move.

Charge like five bucks for each healing, just to cover expenses. You'll have no shortage of clients. Keep yourself fed and a roof over your head, and donate the rest to charity.


Actually, on further thought money of that seems maximally efficient.

Go start healing people in a laboratory while hooked to all manner of moniters and scopes so science gypsy can figure out what makes it work and recreate the effect.
 
2013-09-17 10:04:28 AM  

OnlyM3: How is this different from greens that state with absolute faith that the melting Himalayan ice caps are going to drown brown people while there is no melting going on.

/// obviously this person's a nut, I'm just trying to see a difference between fark approved nuts and nuts fark hates.


I hope that didn't leave stretch marks.
 
2013-09-17 10:17:23 AM  
Call me when she heals an amputee.
 
2013-09-17 10:18:02 AM  
i1089.photobucket.com
 
2013-09-17 10:19:25 AM  

OnlyM3: How is this different from greens that state with absolute faith that the melting Himalayan ice caps are going to drown brown people while there is no melting going on.

/// obviously this person's a nut, I'm just trying to see a difference between fark approved nuts and nuts fark hates.


It took some doing, but you've finally convinced me that you're just a crank.   Credit where due, you've at least at times attempted to be humorous or clever.

But it's just become torturous.  I don't envy you, and hope the pay is worth the damage to your soul.

lusipurr.com

Close Sesame.
 
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