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(Mother Jones)   If you're one of those helicopter parents who need to have all the latest and greatest high-tech gadgets to control your precious little snowflakes, here's some more   (motherjones.com) divider line 73
    More: Spiffy, helicopter parents, high-techs, Sand Hill Road, doctor's visit  
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5342 clicks; posted to Geek » on 16 Sep 2013 at 12:57 PM (44 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-09-16 12:59:37 PM
And here my mom didn't really care so long as I was home for dinner, or let her know where I was going.
 
2013-09-16 01:03:59 PM
The only one that doesn't look totally stupid is the 'whycry' thing and that's only if it works totally as advertised.  If only because I am occasionally curious why some idiots kid is screaming its head off.
 
2013-09-16 01:04:20 PM
There was just enough sarcasm in that article to make me laugh instead of weep for humanity.
 
2013-09-16 01:12:57 PM
An old friend became a grandfather for the first time, this year.  He and his wife provide day-care, while the baby mama is at work.  With little gadgetry.  Asked him how it was going, and he said "Not bad!  He only cries when he's wet, sleepy or hungry."  It was as if he'd lobbed a fat, slow softball pitch across the plate.  "Same as me!," I replied.

/whop

//standup home run
 
2013-09-16 01:16:43 PM
The Why Cry should be in the shape of a vodak bottle
 
2013-09-16 01:19:12 PM

Summercat: And here my mom didn't really care so long as I was home for dinner, or let her know where I was going.


My parents didn't really care if I was home for dinner.  Just eventually show up at home on occasion.  And yet I somehow managed to survive.
 
2013-09-16 01:26:10 PM
Why Cry Baby Cry Analyzer

Simpsons did it

i.imgur.com
 
2013-09-16 01:30:16 PM
My parents abandoned me until the age of ten, I was raised by wolves in the woods.  But I'm okay, except for a lingering preference for eating squirrel and reading rain-soaked copies of Playboy.

Ok, for serious now.  I know people who bought an Angel Care heart monitor pad to make sure their child didn't die in the night.  To me this seems crazy.  But they're not crazy people, or stupid.  Just convinced that the remote chance that their child will die in the night is worth trying to prevent for a few hundred bucks.  The problem is that there are a thousand (statistically unlikely) ways for kids to die or hurt themselves... and you can't spend a few hundred bucks trying to prevent every one.

And owning your own baby scale is just dumb.  Do you own a bathroom scale?  Congratulations, you can weigh your baby.  Not rocket science.

Maybe we just have too much money.
 
2013-09-16 01:38:18 PM
Babies' Diary

It's the new this:
i171.photobucket.com
 
2013-09-16 01:38:35 PM

Vaneshi: The only one that doesn't look totally stupid is the 'whycry' thing and that's only if it works totally as advertised.  If only because I am occasionally curious why some idiots kid is screaming its head off.


That's easy.  Babies cry because they are evil.
 
2013-09-16 01:45:41 PM
They probably sell a lot of those vitals monitors. Nothing is scarier than SIDS to a new parent.
 
2013-09-16 01:45:55 PM

No Such Agency: My parents abandoned me until the age of ten, I was raised by wolves in the woods.  But I'm okay, except for a lingering preference for eating squirrel and reading rain-soaked copies of Playboy.

Ok, for serious now.  I know people who bought an Angel Care heart monitor pad to make sure their child didn't die in the night.  To me this seems crazy.  But they're not crazy people, or stupid.  Just convinced that the remote chance that their child will die in the night is worth trying to prevent for a few hundred bucks.  The problem is that there are a thousand (statistically unlikely) ways for kids to die or hurt themselves... and you can't spend a few hundred bucks trying to prevent every one.

And owning your own baby scale is just dumb.  Do you own a bathroom scale?  Congratulations, you can weigh your baby.  Not rocket science.

Maybe we just have too much money.


Some people have more dollars than sense, that's for sure.
 
2013-09-16 01:47:57 PM
To be fair to the parents, your get through the birth with mom and child safety and sound only to have the hospital hand you materials on SIDS (SUDDEN INFANT DEATH SYNDROM). SIDS is where some infants just stop breathing for no apparent reason. Oh, and if the infant rolls onto their stomach it may increase their chance of SIDS. Something my first child did right after getting home from the hospital. Kind of hard not to get paranoid.

The wife wonders why I don't want to have another one. I'm getting too old for that little sleep.
 
2013-09-16 01:52:34 PM

Copperbelly watersnake: To be fair to the parents, your get through the birth with mom and child safety and sound only to have the hospital hand you materials on SIDS (SUDDEN INFANT DEATH SYNDROM). SIDS is where some infants just stop breathing for no apparent reason. Oh, and if the infant rolls onto their stomach it may increase their chance of SIDS. Something my first child did right after getting home from the hospital. Kind of hard not to get paranoid.

The wife wonders why I don't want to have another one. I'm getting too old for that little sleep.


Exactly. They hand you your little bundle of joy an immediately start telling you that your baby could die at any time with no warning and no real way to completely prevent it. I would have probably spent the money to get the monitor just to get my wife to shut up and go to sleep. Also, I am a telemetry nerd.
 
2013-09-16 01:58:07 PM
Oh dear lord.  A fool and their money....

The "Why Cry Baby Cry Analyzer " is hilarious though.

You figure out pretty quick what cries mean what.  "Change me" is different than "feed me".
 
2013-09-16 01:58:12 PM

fruitloop: Babies' Diary

It's the new this:


Oh come on Apple, we know what a Phone and a Pad are, and can even get the idea of a Mac, but what the fark is a Tzbeen?
 
2013-09-16 01:58:32 PM
I have to remind my wife from time to time that we were put to sleep on our bellies as kids and we survived.  So it's ok if he rolls over.  Oh, and I think we can give our 1-year-old a blanket without him hanging himself with it.
 
2013-09-16 02:02:33 PM

GameSprocket: Copperbelly watersnake: To be fair to the parents, your get through the birth with mom and child safety and sound only to have the hospital hand you materials on SIDS (SUDDEN INFANT DEATH SYNDROM). SIDS is where some infants just stop breathing for no apparent reason. Oh, and if the infant rolls onto their stomach it may increase their chance of SIDS. Something my first child did right after getting home from the hospital. Kind of hard not to get paranoid.

The wife wonders why I don't want to have another one. I'm getting too old for that little sleep.

Exactly. They hand you your little bundle of joy an immediately start telling you that your baby could die at any time with no warning and no real way to completely prevent it. I would have probably spent the money to get the monitor just to get my wife to shut up and go to sleep. Also, I am a telemetry nerd.


Jeffus Chispus so much this!
My oldest introduced me to terrors like that. And my wife's paranoia levels went absolutely nuts, special SIDs resistant mattresses, cribs, monitors, etc, then the kid ended up just sleeping in a Moses basket!
 
2013-09-16 02:03:49 PM
We actually got a baby scale from my wife's parents friend and it was really hard for me to not burst out in laughter. I can do simple subtraction. We were polite and went and returned it. It was like a $100 scale or something. I was floored.

I'm also blown away by these ~$1,500 strollers out there. You can literally buy a running used car for that.

Of course, all that said, my wife actually did use a pair of belly buds for both pregnancies...
 
2013-09-16 02:08:44 PM

error 303: We actually got a baby scale from my wife's parents friend and it was really hard for me to not burst out in laughter. I can do simple subtraction. We were polite and went and returned it. It was like a $100 scale or something. I was floored.

I'm also blown away by these ~$1,500 strollers out there. You can literally buy a running used car for that.

Of course, all that said, my wife actually did use a pair of belly buds for both pregnancies...


I love the leather and suede Eddie Bauer strollers. Who in their right mind let's a baby near a leather and suede anything?
 
2013-09-16 02:11:56 PM
i1151.photobucket.com
`Little Suzy seems to be irked about something. What does the Tantrum Meter TM say?'
 
2013-09-16 02:12:43 PM
Part of the reason there is so much crap out there for babies is that so much stuff gets given to new parents. The parents might put it on the registry not really caring if they get it, then some acquaintance buys it for them.

The other reason is that when parents are expecting their first kid they buy all kinds of crap because they're excited about having the kid and they don't really know what they need. This is especially true for women.

It'll happen to youuuuuu
deadhomersociety.files.wordpress.com
 
2013-09-16 02:13:11 PM

GameSprocket: They probably sell a lot of those vitals monitors. Nothing is scarier than SIDS to a new parent.


Yeah as much as I hate the little pukeshiat-rockets, I'm sure that's gotta rock your boat if you left it there fine a few hours ago and then you're looking for a tiny coffin.
 
2013-09-16 02:19:06 PM

FloydA: Vaneshi: The only one that doesn't look totally stupid is the 'whycry' thing and that's only if it works totally as advertised.  If only because I am occasionally curious why some idiots kid is screaming its head off.

That's easy.  Babies cry because they are evil.


No argument there.  I mean the 'whycry' comes with a little ball gag to shut the things up right?

/It's amazing how many kids go quiet when I give them 'the look'.
// If your kids screaming it's not cute, it's annoying and other people don't want to deal with it.
 
2013-09-16 02:22:47 PM
One Christmas my wife and her two sisters had this great idea of all three families going somewhere for Christmas.  Two families got a hotel room and one sister got a suite.  One sister had an infant.

One day the girls wanted to go out shopping.   That was fine, the guys would stay in the room and watch the football game.  The father of the infant put the baby in the second room of the suite with a baby monitor.  The baby cried the whole farking time.  He wouldn't do farking thing to try to shut the farking baby up so we all listened to the farking baby farking cry the whole farking game over the farking baby monitor.  You know what is more annoying than the sound of a farking crying baby?  The sound of a farking crying baby over a farking baby monitor.  If your going to get a farking baby monitor so you can know if your farking baby is crying then you better do something when the farking baby starts crying.

BTW -- the kid is a farking brat now.  They peel the farking skin off when the feed him farking hotdogs.  The kid throws himself to the ground if you don't do it.
 
2013-09-16 02:31:30 PM
I just want a toddler version of those remote-controlled dog shock collars.
 
2013-09-16 02:32:09 PM
There's a classic "Andy Griffith Show" in which Opie tries to manipulate Andy through defiance and pitching fits.  Tactics learned from a spoiled brat who has moved to Mayberry.  Andy resolves the situation by asking Opie, "What the fark are you doing?" And laughing.  Then he has a "Come to Jesus" meeting with the helicopter parent.

/the more things change; the more things stay the same
 
2013-09-16 02:33:33 PM

Muta: BTW -- the kid is a farking brat now. They peel the farking skin off when the feed him farking hotdogs. The kid throws himself to the ground if you don't do it.


Little Kaden is just expressing himself!  What kind of a monster are you to want to stifle his creativity??
 
2013-09-16 02:37:45 PM
When did Cracked start writing for Mother Jones?

/ I was suprised the article ws not split into 2 pages
 
2013-09-16 02:42:47 PM

Vaneshi: The only one that doesn't look totally stupid is the 'whycry' thing and that's only if it works totally as advertised.  If only because I am occasionally curious why some idiots kid is screaming its head off.


Really? A vitals monitor seems "stupid" to you? I have a friend whose daughter probably won't survive until 2 years old. She's in the hospital every few weeks. I guess it would be pretty "Stupid" to keep track of her vitals, in case they were able to get her in sooner.

A baby scale isn't really "Stupid", either.

Neither is the diary. When you take in the kid and they are sick, sometimes they ask how frequently you change diapers, what condition the poo was in, what color the pee was, how they've been sleeping, how much they sleep each night, what time of day they take their naps, and for how long.

The GPS is really only stupid because of the cost. Some people have to spy on their caregivers before they find out that the child is being endangered or neglected.

The speakers aren't really stupid, there seems to be some serious research into providing your kid with music. Besides, making them used to noise means that you don't have to sneak around the house when they're sleeping. With my 2 stepsons and my daughter, we continued like normal once they fell asleep so that they'd get used to noise. These would help jumpstart that.

There are really only 2 "Stupid" things on the list: A $400 car seat that tells you that the kid is buckled in, and (Are you ready for this one?) The "Baby crying analyzer". Not only is it pretty easy to figure out why a baby is crying(They are either hungry, hurting, dirty, or tired, for the most part), but I would call bullshiat on this even working(There was some stupid movie where the 'Wacky Inventor Dad' tried this, and I bet this one is about as good). The easiest way to figure out why your kid is crying is to teach them sign language. My daughter was able to start signing at about 9 months or so, and as soon as she told us that she wanted milk or where she was hurting, she would almost immediately stop crying. It worked amazingly well.
 
2013-09-16 02:49:09 PM
 o.onionstatic.com
 
2013-09-16 02:49:38 PM

No Such Agency: And owning your own baby scale is just dumb.  Do you own a bathroom scale?  Congratulations, you can weigh your baby.  Not rocket science.

Maybe we just have too much money.


Excerpt that babies are weighed in pounds and ounces when they are that small. Also, speaking from experience, have you ever tried to hold a baby in place on a regular bathroom scale without getting a faulty reading off of the scale? Any pressure downwards to hold the baby on the flat(If you're lucky) scale will tweak the results. Not only that, but the tray on that baby scale is curved on the edges and babies will roll right the fark off of a regular bathroom scale. I don't remember which baby I weighed and why, but it was a pain in the ass...

I can see a use for most of these, depending on the situation. The car seat is dumb, and I am going to bet that the crying analyzer doesn't work for shiat, but people with kids who have health problems, people who are a little worried about the nanny, and people who actually want to track their kids' eating and sleeping habits for when the kid gets sick and the doctor asks, those people could all legitimately use these...

Of course, I also don't write snark for a living.
 
2013-09-16 02:59:01 PM

Mister Buttons: Why Cry Baby Cry Analyzer

Simpsons did it

[i.imgur.com image 168x144]


There it is... It still might be in a movie, too. It seems like I saw it in something like Honey, I shrunk the Kids or Cats and Dogs has a baby translator, too... But The Sinpsons is a for-sure, I just couldn't remember where I'd seen it.
 
2013-09-16 03:03:31 PM

error 303: We actually got a baby scale from my wife's parents friend and it was really hard for me to not burst out in laughter. I can do simple subtraction. We were polite and went and returned it. It was like a $100 scale or something. I was floored.

I'm also blown away by these ~$1,500 strollers out there. You can literally buy a running used car for that.

Of course, all that said, my wife actually did use a pair of belly buds for both pregnancies...


I think we spent $250-$300 on ours, but it had pneumatic tires and the 3-wheel configuration. I wouldn't have traded it for anything. You don't know joy until you can actually get your kid's stroller over grass, bumps and curbs without having to fight it, tilt it, risk farking up the thin aluminum axles, etc... Besides, it was a "Jeep' stroller, and I'm a little partial to my Jeeps... :-)

$1,500 though? That's crazy talk.
 
2013-09-16 03:12:56 PM

Mikey1969: No Such Agency: And owning your own baby scale is just dumb.  Do you own a bathroom scale?  Congratulations, you can weigh your baby.  Not rocket science.

Maybe we just have too much money.

Excerpt that babies are weighed in pounds and ounces when they are that small. Also, speaking from experience, have you ever tried to hold a baby in place on a regular bathroom scale without getting a faulty reading off of the scale? Any pressure downwards to hold the baby on the flat(If you're lucky) scale will tweak the results. Not only that, but the tray on that baby scale is curved on the edges and babies will roll right the fark off of a regular bathroom scale. I don't remember which baby I weighed and why, but it was a pain in the ass...


1) Pick up baby
2) Stand on scale, get weight of you plus baby
3) Put down baby
4) Stand on scale, get weight of you without baby
5) Subtract.
 
2013-09-16 03:14:58 PM

Vaneshi: The only one that doesn't look totally stupid is the 'whycry' thing and that's only if it works totally as advertised.  If only because I am occasionally curious why some idiots kid is screaming its head off.


I would assume that it's due to the idiot parents not slapping the kid silly when needed
 
2013-09-16 03:16:09 PM

Mikey1969: Really? A vitals monitor seems "stupid" to you? I have a friend whose daughter probably won't survive until 2 years old. She's in the hospital every few weeks. I guess it would be pretty "Stupid" to keep track of her vitals, in case they were able to get her in sooner.


I think it's stupid that you don't know the difference between a special case and wide spread use.
 
2013-09-16 03:16:19 PM

oldfarthenry: [i1151.photobucket.com image 246x135]
`Little Suzy seems to be irked about something. What does the Tantrum Meter TM say?'


Let's throw bricks at her until the noise stops!
 
2013-09-16 03:20:52 PM

FloydA: Mikey1969: No Such Agency: And owning your own baby scale is just dumb.  Do you own a bathroom scale?  Congratulations, you can weigh your baby.  Not rocket science.

Maybe we just have too much money.

1) Pick up baby
2) Stand on scale, get weight of you plus baby
3) Put down baby
4) Stand on scale, get weight of you without baby
5) Subtract.


Shut your mouth, you're gonna ruin my puppy and kitten scales before they're even ready to launch!

/patent pending
 
2013-09-16 03:20:56 PM

give me doughnuts: oldfarthenry: [i1151.photobucket.com image 246x135]
`Little Suzy seems to be irked about something. What does the Tantrum Meter TM say?'

Let's throw bricks at her until the noise stops!


I only use BabyBricko brand throwing bricks. Sure, they're $80 each, but I can really tell a difference with each "thud".
 
2013-09-16 03:22:34 PM
I took my son in for his 2 year check-up today.  He's 75% for height and 85% for weight (31.5 lbs).  He was breastfed until he was 20 months, and I never once worried that he wasn't getting enough, because he was growing and he didn't scream at me.  People are too obsessive.
 
2013-09-16 03:24:42 PM

FloydA: Mikey1969: No Such Agency: And owning your own baby scale is just dumb.  Do you own a bathroom scale?  Congratulations, you can weigh your baby.  Not rocket science.

Maybe we just have too much money.

Excerpt that babies are weighed in pounds and ounces when they are that small. Also, speaking from experience, have you ever tried to hold a baby in place on a regular bathroom scale without getting a faulty reading off of the scale? Any pressure downwards to hold the baby on the flat(If you're lucky) scale will tweak the results. Not only that, but the tray on that baby scale is curved on the edges and babies will roll right the fark off of a regular bathroom scale. I don't remember which baby I weighed and why, but it was a pain in the ass...

1) Pick up baby
2) Stand on scale, get weight of you plus baby
3) Put down baby
4) Stand on scale, get weight of you without baby
5) Subtract.


Yeah, about those "ounces" i mentioned...
 
2013-09-16 03:25:56 PM

Vaneshi: The only one that doesn't look totally stupid is the 'whycry' thing and that's only if it works totally as advertised.  If only because I am occasionally curious why some idiots kid is screaming its head off.


I only pay attention to a kids' cry if it makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up, otherwise meh.
 
2013-09-16 03:27:43 PM

Muta: Mikey1969: Really? A vitals monitor seems "stupid" to you? I have a friend whose daughter probably won't survive until 2 years old. She's in the hospital every few weeks. I guess it would be pretty "Stupid" to keep track of her vitals, in case they were able to get her in sooner.

I think it's stupid that you don't know the difference between a special case and wide spread use.


I think it's stupid that you seem to assume that because every parent in America doesn't need these, then it's "stupid" that anyone needs them. Where would this "special case" get such equipment? You think the hospital's gonna hand it out? No, they'll end up paying a fortune because it's specialized. Instead, they could have the potential to save thousands of dollars because there is now a mass market product. So yeah, because not everybody needs it, it's obviously not needed at all. Got it.

But these concepts probably won't fit up your ass, alongside your head. I get that.
 
2013-09-16 03:31:23 PM

Xavier99: When did Cracked start writing for Mother Jones?

/ I was suprised the article ws not split into 2 pages


They have a similar article about pets just yesterday http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-pet-products-that-prove-youre-too-lazy- p et/
 
2013-09-16 03:36:15 PM
Mikey1969:
Yeah, about those "ounces" i mentioned...

What about them?  For 20 bucks, you can buy a digital scale that is sensitive enough to measure ounces.  (Hell, for 70 bucks, you can get one that measures ounces, estimates your body fat, bone density, and body water percentages.)  There is really no good reason to spend $180 on a scale that sends readings to your iPhone, but that will be completely useless in a year (when a: the baby is too big for it and b:you get a new phone and the app no longer works).
 
2013-09-16 03:39:02 PM
On a serious not, the reason that these things are big sellers are as follows:

1. Books
2. "Experts"
3. Books written by "Experts"

...all of which tell you what a horrible person you are for eating deli meat and soft cheeses, and now your baby will be born with some horrible deformity that YOU could have prevented if only you had gone and had $3,000 worth of genetic testing done beforehand.  My husband's cousin is currently pregnant with her first child, and she is posting something to facebook EVERDAY about it.  Today it was "I wish I could have a caesar salad, but I can't!" along with a litany of things.  The worst part is that she works in a hospital and has access to all that material, too.  I told her just to calm down and if she wants a caesar salad to have one...by the second child, you don't have time to even give a crap anymore, because you're too busy chasing the first one around to even think about the second baby before he came.
 
2013-09-16 03:39:04 PM
Ewok Adventure wrist monitor to tell you when your family members are dead. George Lucas is going to sue these guys for infringement.

images3.wikia.nocookie.net
 
2013-09-16 03:43:25 PM

Mikey1969: FloydA: Mikey1969: No Such Agency: And owning your own baby scale is just dumb.  Do you own a bathroom scale?  Congratulations, you can weigh your baby.  Not rocket science.

Maybe we just have too much money.

Excerpt that babies are weighed in pounds and ounces when they are that small. Also, speaking from experience, have you ever tried to hold a baby in place on a regular bathroom scale without getting a faulty reading off of the scale? Any pressure downwards to hold the baby on the flat(If you're lucky) scale will tweak the results. Not only that, but the tray on that baby scale is curved on the edges and babies will roll right the fark off of a regular bathroom scale. I don't remember which baby I weighed and why, but it was a pain in the ass...

1) Pick up baby
2) Stand on scale, get weight of you plus baby
3) Put down baby
4) Stand on scale, get weight of you without baby
5) Subtract.

Yeah, about those "ounces" i mentioned...


My cheapo digital bathroom scale reads to 10ths of a pound.  An ounce is a 16th of a pound.  The math isn't that hard.
 
2013-09-16 03:44:23 PM

FloydA: Mikey1969:
Yeah, about those "ounces" i mentioned...

What about them?  For 20 bucks, you can buy a digital scale that is sensitive enough to measure ounces.  (Hell, for 70 bucks, you can get one that measures ounces, estimates your body fat, bone density, and body water percentages.)  There is really no good reason to spend $180 on a scale that sends readings to your iPhone, but that will be completely useless in a year (when a: the baby is too big for it and b:you get a new phone and the app no longer works).


A: I don't need the thing to send to an iPhone, that's just silly.

B: Apparently you haven't heard about how people sell baby stuff all of the time. We've got t thing called "Craigslist" here on our end of the Internets. Hell, we even have stores here the do nothing but buy and re-sell baby clothes, toys and accessories.
 
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